My friend is having a boy UPDATE

[FastHands]

Does she know about your situation???

Sorry, no advice, just mild rage.

[iamali]

Gender disappointment is a real thing. I'd tell her that if she's that upset perhaps she should consider counseling.

[Deleted]

My SIL went through this when she was pregnant, to the point that we seriously considered the option of taking my nephew in after he was born. Her OB, a psychiatrist, and a counselor were able to get her on some medications to help her out. Family was also involved to watch for any triggers or signs that things were not progressing. That said, she's loved her son since he was born and is a great mother to him. My SIL didn't have any gender issues beforehand, but did have to go through 10 years of fertility treatments/issues before she was able to have a viable pregnancy, so I think emotionally and mentally it was rough for her just in general, but the psychosis (if you could call it that) focused on gender.

[stellas]

I can't stand this. Especially bc it seems like gender disappointment surrounding boys is often about "OMG no SHOPPING WITH MY DAUGHTER!".

Wtf? Is this what having kids is about now?

[Deleted]

How long has she known? Sometimes it just takes a bit of time for the mind to shift and adjust. I wasn't quite this bad, but I did have girl names and nursery ideas and not much in mind for a boy, so it took a few weeks to feel truly excited (and this was even after two losses, where a healthy baby was all we really wanted). I agree counseling might help if it's not letting up after some time passes. Who knows, 5 yrs from now she may be thankful she can avoid that whole American Girl scene (and enjoy nieces, cousins, friends daughters who do go there)

You're a good friend to be concerned despite your own challenges.

ETA: sometimes it's just a panic mode too. I was a girly girl, all about dance, Barbies, clothes, etc. What the heck would I do with a boy, how would I play with or understand them? Turns out Transformers, Super heros and Ninja Turtles are pretty cool (C naturally chose those, not directed that way), he loves to dance, and you figure out understanding any child as it goes.

[Deleted]

Gender disappointment is a real thing sure.

But the attitude that "boys suck" and "life would be perfect if I were having a girl" are . . . Outside the bell curve of normal responses, I think. I'm WTF at your friend big time.

[stellas]

Sept 22, 2014 14:17:59 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:16:45 GMT -5 stellas said:

I can't stand this. Especially bc it seems like gender disappointment surrounding boys is often about "OMG no SHOPPING WITH MY DAUGHTER!".

Wtf? Is this what having kids is about now?

YES, DUH.

I know this seems rich, coming from me. Lol. But I legitimately hear from gender disappointed friends "I wanted to go shopping with her, and have pink and glitter and ruffles!".

Bleh.

[eddy]

Little boys are wonderful. She will learn this soon. :-)

[stellas]

I had some gender disappointment with Payne. When they said he was a girl I went home and cried, but the only person that knew was dh. I came around and was excited pretty quickly.

Then he was a boy anyway. Thanks for the character building exercise, God!

[LLL]

I hope she gets over it quickly. 

[eddy]

I also had a day of gender disappointment with Leo. I always wanted one of each and that was when I realized that wasn't going to happen for me. You couldn't pay me a million dollars to have it differently now.

But we could maybe talk for 5 million though. :-)

[ZoeHart]

I'm sorry littleduck honestly, I would find it really hard to hear that, I'm sure you do too.

[stellas]

Sept 22, 2014 14:22:55 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:20:59 GMT -5 jillianashley6 said:

And lol at shopping with a daughter. Maybe when they're older....but you couldn't fucking PAY me to shop with my kid now.

I'd probably even turn down a free shopping spree if I had to take her with me. lol

lol, I was about to say.. I shop with them all the time, but I don't especially enjoy it. I do like pink and ruffles, though.

G is a frighteningly good shopper. She gets confused when we're not shopping for her, though.

I've started doing most of her shopping solo now bc I'm scared of what I've created.

[Deleted]

Gender disappoint is real- I definitely experienced it but not to this degree.

I will say that now I absolutely love my son so much and couldn't even imagine him being a girl. Like if I could go back and choose I would now choose boy (and he's only 5 weeks old) so hopefully once he's born she will have a change of heart. But in the meantime I agree maybe some counseling or something.

I'm so sorry you have to listen to her though - that sounds awful

[Deleted]

I think the fact that she continues to voice it so openly coupled with the fact she won't even discuss names with her H shows that there truly is something off here.

[sparkythelawyer]

Sept 22, 2014 14:19:58 GMT -5 stellas said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:17:59 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

YES, DUH.

I know this seems rich, coming from me. Lol. But I legitimately hear from gender disappointed friends "I wanted to go shopping with her, and have pink and glitter and ruffles!".

Bleh.

Ha!  So, my husband does not want to find out what we are having.  The only way I have reasoned that I can deal with this is that "Well, its not like if it was a girl I'd be drowning it in pink and glitter and ruffles and shizz :-)"

Its one thing to be bummed that you wanted a) and you are havng b).  But I would have a hard time not telling her to snap out of it and move on and start getting excited about her wonderful little man coming. 

[stellas]

Sept 22, 2014 14:24:27 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:23:11 GMT -5 stellas said:

I had some gender disappointment with Payne. When they said he was a girl I went home and cried, but the only person that knew was dh. I came around and was excited pretty quickly.

Then he was a boy anyway. Thanks for the character building exercise, God!

I remember all the flack you got for doing a dino themed nursery. lol

That would never happen now! People would gender stereotype rage out if someone suggested Dino's were only for boys.

[CurlyQ284]

Sept 22, 2014 14:20:59 GMT -5 jillianashley6 said:

And lol at shopping with a daughter. Maybe when they're older....but you couldn't fucking PAY me to shop with my kid now.

I'd probably even turn down a free shopping spree if I had to take her with me. lol

My SDs are preteens and it legit sucks. I would rather scrub toilets than take them shopping. My favorite incident was when I had to keep telling her to put back inappropriate clothes and finally she yelled "What do you know about fashion? All your clothes are UGLY!"

No one is skipping through the mall hand in hand with an arm load of shopping bags when we shop. Actually now DH takes her because nope!

[CurlyQ284]

Sept 22, 2014 14:27:46 GMT -5 jillianashley6 said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:26:04 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

My SDs are preteens and it legit sucks. I would rather scrub toilets than take them shopping. My favorite incident was when I had to keep telling her to put back inappropriate clothes and finally she yelled "What do you know about fashion? All your clothes are UGLY!"

No one is skipping through the mall hand in hand with an arm load of shopping bags when we shop. Actually now DH takes her because nope!

Omg, I'm sorry but lol!
I could definitely see this being the issue with DD and I down the road. She is headstrong and opinionated.

I am sorry that it sucks though. Hopefully they'll eventually come around. My mom and I have a great time shopping now! (Now that I'm 30. lol)

It's ok she's kind of right. My clothes are pretty plain. Pink zebra print is not great with my coloring.

[my3boyz]

First, I am so sorry about your struggle. I can imagine how difficult this is for you to hear constantly.

That being said I can somewhat relate. I had my oldest sons at a young age, was a young single mother and life was hard. I met and later married my husband and at the time I wanted no more kids and he wanted one. I ended up agreeing to having one because I didn't think it would be fair for him to not have his own child. I felt like if I was going to go through everything again (keep in mind my youngest was 8) I really wanted a girl. I wanted to have someone to dress up in all the dresses, someone to plan a wedding with, to one day have that mother/daughter experience with.

Well, I had another boy. And I cried when I left the ultrasound room. And during subsequent ultrasounds I always half-jokingly asked if they could double check. As time went on I got used to the idea, bought the appropriate clothes and items for the baby. And I love him as much as his brothers and always have.

Your friend sounds a bit extreme, especially if its a first baby. Maybe she's just always pictured herself as the mother of a daughter for some reason. I'm sure she'll come around but in the meantime maybe you can start pointing out all the fun that little boys can be. And if you really don't want to hear it ( and I wouldn't blame you) just tell her that. Maybe she just needs someone to jolt her back to reality.

[lilybug]

I had gender disappointment every time. And with #2 I bought girl clothes before finding out the sex because I'm a dummy.

Your friend is being oddly blunt / flippant about it (I was sad, but wouldn't have said so in a IG comment, jeez) but give her a few weeks. Once I started buying boy clothes, planning a nursery, etc, I got much more excited. It was the initial "I'll never get to raise a daughter" panic that hurt the most. And it wasn't about shopping or even pink clothes, it's just the whole experience. Babies are mostly the same, boy or girl. I had to mourn for the future I had imagined.

ETA, that sounds extreme. Obviously I got over it and love all of my boys more than life itself. Ezra being a boy was actually the easiest to accept - I was on a roll at that point, lol.

[cville]

Sept 22, 2014 14:24:52 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

I think the fact that she continues to voice it so openly coupled with the fact she won't even discuss names with her H shows that there truly is something off here.

I agree.  I had visions of SISTERS and blah blah and totally cried in the parking lot when I found out O was a boy.  But even though it was another week or so before I embraced it (through buying adorable mini-man clothes, naturally), during the time I was sad I did not breathe a word about it to anyone IRL.  I mentioned being nervous about not knowing what to do with a boy, but even in my low moments I recognized intellectually that I should be happy that at that same anatomy scan we learned that he was healthy and developing normally.*

Which leads me to believe there's something extra here.  This isn't "aw, man, now who will read the Little House books with me!"  This is . . . too much.

This is also not your problem, Little Duck, so don't feel compelled to address it if being the voice of reason only to be met with more stuff from her will make your current IF struggles too acute.  You're absolutely not the only person who has noticed she's nuts here.




*And it goes without saying that HOLY CRAP I LOVE MY SON.  He's the best.  I just cannot get enough of him.  My coworker called me out the other day for (apparently) using a totally different gooey voice when I talk about him.

[readyin07]

Mom of boys weighing in with a big sigh. There is gender disappointment and then there is something more extreme, which to me it sounds like your friend is experiencing. 

I would give her some time, but if this continues I would legit recommend counseling. Anecdote alert...my very good friend has a very good friend who had gender disappointment to the extreme. When she found out her chikd was a boy she completely shut down, stopped taking care of herself, shopping for the baby etc. he was born with a minor physical defect (probably not related to her prenatal care but still...) My friend says that while she parents him she is not really checked into his life. He is not quite to middle school and dealing with some pretty serious psychological issues. You can't say that her behavior has caused them obviously, but from what my friend says it is pretty clear her behavior towards him Isn't helping matters or getting him the help he needs. It is very very disturbing.

[CurlyQ284]

readyin07 that's awful

[WOT?*]

Sept 22, 2014 14:26:04 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:20:59 GMT -5 jillianashley6 said:

And lol at shopping with a daughter. Maybe when they're older....but you couldn't fucking PAY me to shop with my kid now.

I'd probably even turn down a free shopping spree if I had to take her with me. lol

My SDs are preteens and it legit sucks. I would rather scrub toilets than take them shopping. My favorite incident was when I had to keep telling her to put back inappropriate clothes and finally she yelled "What do you know about fashion? All your clothes are UGLY!"

No one is skipping through the mall hand in hand with an arm load of shopping bags when we shop. Actually now DH takes her because nope!

Ohmilord, don't I know this.  GD2 is obsessed and loves the design-an-outfit "games" on her tablet. I've seen some of the stuff that comes across, and some of the stuff she wants to wear and even at 8 we're having the "hell-no" discussions. I'm terrified she's going to inherit some "gotta have the boys lookin' over here" genes, even at her tender age, because...yeah. Leopard print and sheer and belly-baring tops are where it's at.  The girl wears camisoles under shirts and takes off the over-shirt because it's too hot (though I blame that on metabolism and infections because she does run hot to feverish at least 4-6 times/year for days at a time.)

I am NOT looking forward to the tween/teen years with her hard-headed self.

[Saint Monica]

I hope she feels better soon.

[alzi]

Sept 22, 2014 14:24:30 GMT -5 stellas said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:22:55 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

lol, I was about to say.. I shop with them all the time, but I don't especially enjoy it. I do like pink and ruffles, though.

G is a frighteningly good shopper. She gets confused when we're not shopping for her, though.

I've started doing most of her shopping solo now bc I'm scared of what I've created.

I'm on my way to creating a monster too. At 18 months she walks up to her closet and says hmmmmmm. And she sifts through mine telling me what is "pitty"

Eta, to address OP, I hope your friends gets the help she needs. And I'm sorry if this is painful for you. I can't imagine.

[awick14]

Sept 22, 2014 14:33:44 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Sept 22, 2014 14:24:52 GMT -5 @bettyhomewrecker33 said:

I think the fact that she continues to voice it so openly coupled with the fact she won't even discuss names with her H shows that there truly is something off here.

This.

It's kinda gross for some posters to be all "I'm WTFing her" and making snarky comments about her 'wanting ruffles and glitter' when it seems to be more complex than just her being "bratty". 

As usual I agree with AR.

I think something is wrong, medically not just because she wants a girl over a boy.

It maybe something as simple as the stress from school/work/life changing or it could be something more serious. littleduck I think she really needs to see her OB about this. She needs help, and I don't think it's fair for people here to judge so harshly.

((littleduck)) you are an amazing friend, she is very lucky to have you.

(Said as someone also suffering to have children)

[Deleted]

I can understand gender disappointment to a certain point but she's being ridiculous. The only thing you should be concerned about is the health of the baby.

[CajunShrimp]

I think she crossed the line from "normal disappointment" to "in need of therapy" when she came home with a stack of dresses. That just does not seem like a normal coping mechanism. I hope she can get some help quickly. I was initially bummed when we found out DS was a boy too, and now I am so glad that he is a boy (and #2 is a boy too). The first few times I saw little girls throwing temper tantrums because they couldn't wear their $75 princess dress to the supermarket sealed it. Give my kid a $5 car and he is happy.

And big [[hugs]] littleduck. After our infertility problems with #2, and the news at the anatomy scan last week, I would want to shake her silly as well.