A mom was sorting her mail when she heard a knock at her front door. She opened it to see a neighbor standing there with her son. The neighbor saw her son outside, thought he was in danger because he was playing alone, and delivered him to the mom’s door step. What happens next will blow your mind.
“I whipped the door open, trying to figure out what was happening. The woman smiled. My son frowned. And as soon as the door opened he flew into the house, running as far away from the woman as he could.
“Is that your son?” she asked with a smile.
I nodded, still trying to figure out what was happening.
“He said this was his house. I brought him home.” She was wearing dark glasses. I couldn’t see her eyes, couldn’t gauge her expression.
“You brought…”
“Yes. He was all the way down there, with no adult.” She motioned to a park bench about 150 yards from my house. A bench that is visible from my front porch. A bench where he had been playing with my 8-year-old daughter, and where he decided to stay and play when she brought our dog home from the walk they’d gone on.”
So begins the story that Kari Anne Roy shared on her blog this week, Haiku Of The Day. It begins with a “concerned” neighbor delivering Roy’s six-year-old son to her door after seeing him playing outside unattended – and ends with Roy’s children being questioned by CPS.
A few minutes after the neighbor left Roy’s house, there was another knock – this time the police were at her door. The police officer asked Roy if she knew her son was playing alone outside. She asked why Roy thought it was okay for her son to play outside unsupervised. She took her ID and wrote down the names and ages of her children. Then she left without filing a report. Roy says,
“I tried to shake it off and go about the rest of the day, but I was so, so upset. Then, that night, my 6-year-old cried because he thought someone would call the police when he couldn’t fall asleep at his bedtime. We talked about how that would never happen, how this was an isolated incident, how much we love and care for each other in our family. We talked about how the neighbor thought she was doing a good thing and that it was an unfortunate misunderstanding and everything was all over now.”
Unfortunately, she was wrong.
Later that week she got a voicemail from a Child Protective Services investigator, asking her to return her call immediately. She called an attorney friend for advice, then she called the investigator back. Within an hour the investigator was at her house, questioning her children:
“Within an hour she was at the house, interviewing the kids one at a time, alone with her, while I had to sequester myself upstairs… And I understood why the process had to be that way. I didn’t like it. I DON’T like it. But I understood…
My kids reported that she asked questions about drugs and alcohol, about pornography, about how often they bathe, about fighting in the home… I understand CPS investigators have an incredibly difficult job. But the conflict I feel is immense. My children were playing outside, within sight of the house, and now my 6yo and 8yo and 12yo have seen their mother spoken to — multiple times — as if she, herself, was a child being reprimanded. They have all been questioned, by a stranger, about whether they’ve ever been shown movies of other people’s private parts. And no matter what I say, I can tell that they think they’ve done something wrong.
After Roy, her children and her husband were all interviewed, CPS came to the conclusion that her child was, in fact, just playing outside. She was also warned that the neighbor could call the police as many times as she wants, if she feels she is witnessing some sort of neglect. Translation – your nosy neighbor has made it so your kids are no longer safe playing outside.
I’m becoming terrified of strangers– or in this case “helpful” neighbors. With more and more stories like this one surfacing, I find myself giving people who glance at me and my family as they walk by my house the side-eye. This story is frustrating and infuriating. To think that a “concerned” neighbor can see your child playing outside and a few days later that child will be sitting in front of a CPS officer being questioned about all sorts of disturbing things is terrifying. I guess in light of all of the other recent stories about CPS swooping in to rescue kids that don’t need to be rescued – she’s lucky. Roy is the first to point out that it would be even worse if she didn’t have the privileges she does:
Do I know how lucky I am to be able to call friends who are attorneys, to be able to google my questions, to have a working phone to call the CPS investigator to get updates, to have a circle of friends I can trust to be supportive and indignant along with me? I see my privilege. I want to apologize for it. I know this has been just a taste of what others go through. Just as I have had tastes in the past of food stamps and medicaid and being at the mercy of government support. I get it, Universe, you have thrown open the floodgates of perspective. I am drowning in it.
Stranger danger is real – and it looks like your nosy neighbor. Not some creepy man jumping out of the bushes waiting to offer your kids candy.
Post by downtoearth on Sept 22, 2014 15:43:18 GMT -5
I saw this on my FB and sort of thought, nope, not real. But my two personal experiences with CPS (one involved a friend's child who hurt their head at daycare and another who had CPS called by a principal during a messy divorce) makes me wonder if this could really happen. CPS investigations freak me out b/c they can pretty much search every drawer and cubby in your house and if you resist, your kids are automatically removed from the home until you can prove you are innocent.
I saw this on my FB and sort of thought, nope, not real. But my two personal experiences with CPS (one involved a friend's child who hurt their head at daycare and another who had CPS called by a principal during a messy divorce) makes me wonder if this could really happen. CPS investigations freak me out b/c they can pretty much search every drawer and cubby in your house and if you resist, your kids are automatically removed from the home until you can prove you are innocent.
Is that true? The stuff I've read about fundamental Christian homeschoolers and the Homeschool Legal Defense Association has lead me to believe that you can deny them entry and not speak with no consequece.
Given the stats on abused children in this country, they have better things to do. Also, there's something developmentally important about kids learning to play independently (with some level of parental monitoring, of course).
Post by juliette21 on Sept 22, 2014 16:06:22 GMT -5
Who are these "helpful" neighbors who are so hysterical over children's safety? They must be old ladies who sit at home all day with nothing to do. I certainly don't have time to keep tabs on my neighbors' kids and call the authorities over trivial things.
This whole trend is really terrifying though. Our society as a whole has gotten really weird about kids and perceived risk.
I saw this on my FB and sort of thought, nope, not real. But my two personal experiences with CPS (one involved a friend's child who hurt their head at daycare and another who had CPS called by a principal during a messy divorce) makes me wonder if this could really happen. CPS investigations freak me out b/c they can pretty much search every drawer and cubby in your house and if you resist, your kids are automatically removed from the home until you can prove you are innocent.
Is that true? The stuff I've read about fundamental Christian homeschoolers and the Homeschool Legal Defense Association has lead me to believe that you can deny them entry and not speak with no consequece.
Sure you can. The same way you can refuse to show your cop ID or let them search your car without a warrant. Technically, you could do these things. Technically, you shouldn't be penalized. But how that goes for you depends on similar factors to how it goes for people at a routine traffic stop. Except CPS investigators don't shoot people.
From what I understand, even from HSLDA (my mom used to be a member), you can deny them entry at that point. But eventually, they will be visiting. You merely deny them the first instance so you can have time to speak to a lawyer and arrange the visit on your terms and be prepared for what to say.
Who are these "helpful" neighbors who are so hysterical over children's safety? They must be old ladies who sit at home all day with nothing to do. I certainly don't have time to keep tabs on my neighbors' kids and call the authorities over trivial things.
This whole trend is really terrifying though. Our society as a whole has gotten really weird about kids and perceived risk.
When I was a kid in the 80's, it was salty bitches who presumed single mothers were skanks who liked to sleep with married men.
I assume they are the same judgey bitches but with a new set of standards. After all, even salty, married, SAHM moms in the 80's sent their kids out to play and told them not to come home until the street lights came on.
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 22, 2014 16:12:12 GMT -5
That's so fucked up. I let my older two (7 and 5) play outside together all the time without me. They need to learn independence and that starts with letting them play unsupervised at this age, while I still glance out and keep an eye on what's going on. As they show they can handle that then we graduate to walking to and from school alone and more and more independence. Are we supposed to supervise them every minute until their 18th birthday and then set them loose on the world with no concept of how to do things without us? Because that would be a travesty, not to mention there's a good chance my oldest will move to the dorm before her 18th birthday...
I refuse to believe this or that there is more to the story or something. Because as presented this is bad. It seems that every aspect of parenting is becoming criminalized with vague, arbitrary, unknown standards. Nothing better than setting parents up to fail.
Who are these "helpful" neighbors who are so hysterical over children's safety? They must be old ladies who sit at home all day with nothing to do. I certainly don't have time to keep tabs on my neighbors' kids and call the authorities over trivial things.
This whole trend is really terrifying though. Our society as a whole has gotten really weird about kids and perceived risk.
When I was a kid in the 80's, it was salty bitches who presumed single mothers were skanks who liked to sleep with married men.
I assume they are the same judgey bitches but with a new set of standards. After all, even salty, married, SAHM moms in the 80's sent their kids out to play and told them not to come home until the street lights came on.
It's the same people who used to move away from my mother on the bleachers at our games. I guess because they were afraid her divorcedness was contagious? Ironically their husbands actually did hit on my mom (ewwww) and she put them in their damned place. But there were quite a few in our town who wouldn't let their kids associate with us because my parents were divorced.
Who are these "helpful" neighbors who are so hysterical over children's safety? They must be old ladies who sit at home all day with nothing to do. I certainly don't have time to keep tabs on my neighbors' kids and call the authorities over trivial things.
This whole trend is really terrifying though. Our society as a whole has gotten really weird about kids and perceived risk.
this happened to my mom once in the late 80's when my sister was going around our culdesac selling jewelry she had made. Neighbor across the street and four doors down called and asked if my mom knew where my sister was and what she was doing. To which her response was "yes." Cue awkward silence. Thankfully this woman didn-t call cps but if it had happened today I'm not sure she wouldn't have. Interestingly she was also a single mom, though not divorced.
It's the same people who used to move away from my mother on the bleachers at our games. I guess because they were afraid her divorcedness was contagious? Ironically their husbands actually did hit on my mom (ewwww) and she put them in their damned place. But there were quite a few in our town who wouldn't let their kids associate with us because my parents were divorced.
OH and it also reminds me that my best friend's parents (she lived across the street and down one house) didn't want her hanging out with me after my parents split because they were divorced. I remember she told me that and I was crushed and embarrassed. I told my mother about this a couple of years ago and she (quite hatefully) noted that their daughter "had washed out of medical school, had a baby out of wedlock, was living in their house with them and had gotten arrested for a DUI. Meanwhile my child -- the child of divorce -- was a fine upstanding citizen with a thriving career and talented husband. So fuck them."
Seriously, just based on these two stories your mom sounds awesome! I don't understand why people stigmatize divorce. In our case it was getting my mother and us kids out of an abusive situation. But I guess she was supposed to suck up the abuse and stay married "for appearances?" Fuck that shit!
The 80's were not a good time. It's easy to get nostalgic and shit over Skip Its and 'wholesome' sitcoms but no lol.
The 80's were also the era where my mama told people her children were Hispanic, not white because people liked that better than thinking black ladies were laying down with white men so, yeah
The 80's were not a good time. It's easy to get nostalgic and shit over Skip Its and 'wholesome' sitcoms but no lol.
The 80's were also the era where my mama told people her children were Hispanic, not white because people liked that better than thinking black ladies were laying down with white men so, yeah
I have a "friend" (I like her but she says some dumb things).
She was saying to me once "I'm so nervous because my son keeps wanting to hang out at his friends house. His mom is divorced, and that just makes me so nervous. I mean, she could smoke and stuff."
I was pissed because I was a single mom at one time. And seriously what an offensive blanket judgment. How about you just get to know the kids' mom? Trust me, I let her know how offensive her comments were.
She had a really really shitty childhood, and I know she comes from a place of wanting to protect and keep her kids from everything she experienced. But come on.
What? Seriously? So she's basically assuming that a divorced women is "damaged goods" or some shit?
I have a "friend" (I like her but she says some dumb things).
She was saying to me once "I'm so nervous because my son keeps wanting to hang out at his friends house. His mom is divorced, and that just makes me so nervous. I mean, she could smoke and stuff."
I was pissed because I was a single mom at one time. And seriously what an offensive blanket judgment. How about you just get to know the kids' mom? Trust me, I let her know how offensive her comments were.
She had a really really shitty childhood, and I know she comes from a place of wanting to protect and keep her kids from everything she experienced. But come on.
So people who are married don't smoke? I . . . uhm . . . .
I'm going to assume that by 'and stuff' she just assumes single parents have to be drunk all the time to survive all that one on one with their kids.
Post by statlerwaldorf on Sept 22, 2014 16:52:11 GMT -5
I hate that this is something we have to worry about now. It crossed my mind last Saturday when I let my dd stay up late and play flashlight tag with the neighborhood kids.
I hate that this is something we have to worry about now. It crossed my mind last Saturday when I let my dd stay up late and play flashlight tag with the neighborhood kids.
OMG FLASHLIGHT TAG!
You're like the best mom ever. Can we have smores later? Also, Katie wants to spend the night. We're gonna make forts in the living room. Her mom said it was okay and everything.
It's the same people who used to move away from my mother on the bleachers at our games. I guess because they were afraid her divorcedness was contagious? Ironically their husbands actually did hit on my mom (ewwww) and she put them in their damned place. But there were quite a few in our town who wouldn't let their kids associate with us because my parents were divorced.
At my daycare, my provider divorced her abusive husband. At that point, parents pulled their kids out. I was so pissed off for her. That woman was like a second mom those kids and they had the nerve to say to her "this is because of the divorce". She just told them "I hope you never have to go thru what I did" and left it at that.
When my friend tried to tell me the rumors that were floating around I just looked at her and said "I'm incredibly grateful for everything she has given my son. He is happy and thriving, I know that he is taken care of. THAT'S WHAT MATTERS TO ME. Not some fucking rumors."
Holy crap! Did they just look for an excuse to kick her while she was down? Taking away her source of income while going through a divorce is seriously messed up.
Who are these "helpful" neighbors who are so hysterical over children's safety? They must be old ladies who sit at home all day with nothing to do. I certainly don't have time to keep tabs on my neighbors' kids and call the authorities over trivial things.
This whole trend is really terrifying though. Our society as a whole has gotten really weird about kids and perceived risk.
Nah, my 75 year old neighbors wouldn't care if my kids were playing outside. Unless they saw them running in the street or doing something dangerous. Of course, they'd probably tell me "I saw your kids playing outside from 1pm to 5pm on Saturday. That's such a long time! They must love the outdoors!" Yes, and I know you love watching our house.
Maybe in Septimus's neighborhood, where people have, like, 3 full time nannies to make sure their children are never unsupervised, would people care enough and have enough time to call the cops.
Nah, my 75 year old neighbors wouldn't care if my kids were playing outside. Unless they saw them running in the street or doing something dangerous. Of course, they'd probably tell me "I saw your kids playing outside from 1pm to 5pm on Saturday. That's such a long time! They must love the outdoors!" Yes, and I know you love watching our house.
Maybe in Septimus's neighborhood, where people have, like, 3 full time nannies to make sure their children are never unsupervised, would people care enough and have enough time to call the cops.
They probably assume those are the poor children. You know, the ones who only have one nanny, no mandarin lessons, and only play one instrument. The kids whose parents drink alone in Starbucks.
I saw this on my FB and sort of thought, nope, not real. But my two personal experiences with CPS (one involved a friend's child who hurt their head at daycare and another who had CPS called by a principal during a messy divorce) makes me wonder if this could really happen. CPS investigations freak me out b/c they can pretty much search every drawer and cubby in your house and if you resist, your kids are automatically removed from the home until you can prove you are innocent.
Is that true? The stuff I've read about fundamental Christian homeschoolers and the Homeschool Legal Defense Association has lead me to believe that you can deny them entry and not speak with no consequece.
This is soooo incredibly not true (and I'm an attorney who spent two years representing CPS and six years representing parents who had kids removed by CPS).
Post by stephm0188 on Sept 22, 2014 17:34:37 GMT -5
Totally doesn't surprise me. There's a woman in my neighborhood who has threatened to call the police on parents who let their kids play outside alone. She claims it's neglect.
One of the things I love about where we live is that everyone knows one another. It's a social neighborhood. Kids don't play alone in fenced in backyards. They ride their bikes around the block and run between each other's backyards.
Is that true? The stuff I've read about fundamental Christian homeschoolers and the Homeschool Legal Defense Association has lead me to believe that you can deny them entry and not speak with no consequece.
This is soooo incredibly not true (and I'm an attorney who spent two years representing CPS and six years representing parents who had kids removed by CPS).
But CPS sure as shit likes to make it seem as if they will though. They can be very heavy handed with the intimidation when you show up. There's a lot of "well, this can be over quickly if you let us come in," or "you can let us in now or later because we'll be back," and my favorite, "We can remove your children from the home for the night if necessary."
And by necessary, they mean don't comply with what they are asking. It's up to you to decide if what they're asking is reasonable. Do you want to test them? I mean you're a lawyer, you know what they can or cannot do. The average person whose doorstep they show up on does not.