Divorce Help for a lurker

[pcelurkerae]

Hi everyone, I'm the lurker who found out my husband was having an affair on Father's day.  I told him at the counselor's office last Thursday that I was done and I wanted a divorce.

I asked him to spend two nights in a hotel, which he was not happy with, but he complied.  We met the counselor again on Saturday, and the agenda for that session was to lay some ground rules so we could live under the same roof while in transition.   We did not get to any of the rules in the 2 hour session; he was emotional and unable.

He came back home, and moved to an alternate bedroom. 

Since then, he has been sobbing, not going to work, and acting distracted and out of the usual.  Now, I have empathy for this, and I understand that he's hurting.  So I guess my first question is...how long is this ok to go on for?

And then he made some comments about ending his own life.  I immediately called that counselor, because frankly I don't want to deal with that ish, and I want to be "not my problem."  He was looking at his life insurance levels on his work based portal-it was a little to concrete of an action for me to be comfortable.   Counselor spoke with him via phone yesterday, says he has future ideation, and he should be ok.  We have another appointment on Wednesday jointly.

Second question....

How much of a bitch am I because I'm just so done?  I don't care about his crying anymore, I don't care if he doesn't eat, etc.  I care because he's acting a fool around the children and that annoys me.  But I was good for a few days with his sadness, but honestly, when I found out about his fuckery I still had to get up everyday and take care of my children.   And I never once let my dismay affect them.  

Keep it real, am I just a stone bitch?  Should I care?

[pixy0stix]

Nah. You're done and he's trying to manipulate the situation through showing emotion. Frankly I'm surprised the counselor suggested staying under the same roof during transition.

[iammalcolmx]

Ok well I guess I am a stone bitch too, his behavior sounds manipulative. I haven't been in this situation so I can't say with 100% certainty how I would feel and/or behave. That said, I believe I would have a difficult time giving any fucks about his crying and lack of eating. Mofo should have thought about that before. The suicide talk would give me pause, and I like you speaking to the counselor about this.

[nomad100]

If you are a stone bitch, so am I because my first thought for your H is STFU asshole and pull your shit together. You are upsetting the kids and pissing your STBX even more.

((hugs)) on getting through this.

[downtoearth]

I am not divorced, so I can't speak from a place of empathy, but it sounds like you're not "stone cold" so much as done and not in love with him - especially the parts where he is using his uber emotional state to try and appeal to you to change your mind. It sounds like he needs a friend/family member or his own counselor to talk to about how to move past this.

From my two friends who went through divorce in the last year, the hardest part for them was not being at the same emotional state as their partner. When you're falling in love, you're both there, when content, you're both there, but during divorce one would be in a sadness/grieving state while the other was in an angry/why? state which leads to more conflict. That was just my observation, not that I know what to do in that case. Good luck, I hope he or you can move out quickly so you can start working on future plans.

[pcelurkerae]

I should also mention he sent me a huge spray of flowers yesterday and an edible arrangement is coming tomorrow. I rolled my eyes. Wanna get me something? Get me an apartment. For you.

[EllieArroway]

He was the one who took weeks to schedule an appointment with the counselor hoping that it would just blow over, right? If so I think this is just another way he is trying to manipulate you into staying with him.

[StrawberryBlondie]

You should care for the sake of your children. Not in the "stop your life to take care of the blubbering idiot" kind of way, but you want the father of your kids to be stable and you want to foster a continued relationship between them.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I don't think its realistic to expect him to be over something as huge as a divorce so quickly.

ETA: it could be attempted manipulation. Or it could be that he finally realized what he lost. You know him better than we do.

[pcelurkerae]

Sept 23, 2014 10:04:01 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I am not divorced, so I can't speak from a place of empathy, but it sounds like you're not "stone cold" so much as done and not in love with him - especially the parts where he is using his uber emotional state to try and appeal to you to change your mind. It sounds like he needs a friend/family member or his own counselor to talk to about how to move past this.

From my two friends who went through divorce in the last year, the hardest part for them was not being at the same emotional state as their partner. When you're falling in love, you're both there, when content, you're both there, but during divorce one would be in a sadness/grieving state while the other was in an angry/why? state which leads to more conflict. That was just my observation, not that I know what to do in that case. Good luck, I hope he or you can move out quickly so you can start working on future plans.

Thank you.  We are in two totally different places.   It's like I flipped a switch and all my feelings for him are gone.  I just want freedom and space and relief.  It's all I want is to be away from him and his control.   Get me outta here.

[pcelurkerae]

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:13 GMT -5 EllieArroway said:

He was the one who took weeks to schedule an appointment with the counselor hoping that it would just blow over, right? If so I think this is just another way he is trying to manipulate you into staying with him.

Yes, that was him.  I am now trying to figure out when to serve him the papers.  I obviously don't want to serve him if it will legitimately cause him harm, either self harm or a mental breakdown, but I really want to rip this bandaid off.

[downtoearth]

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:00 GMT -5 pcelurkerae said:

I should also mention he sent me a huge spray of flowers yesterday and an edible arrangement is coming tomorrow. I rolled my eyes. Wanna get me something? Get me an apartment. For you.

Nothing says, "sorry about sleeping around" like some fancy-shaped fruit skewered by a stick. ^o)

[pixy0stix]

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:17 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

You should care for the sake of your children. Not in the "stop your life to take care of the blubbering idiot" kind of way, but you want the father of your kids to be stable and you want to foster a continued relationship between them.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I don't think its realistic to expect him to be over something as huge as a divorce so quickly.

ETA: it could be attempted manipulation. Or it could be that he finally realized what he lost. You know him better than we do.

Wrong. His issues are not her issues.

[pixy0stix]

Sept 23, 2014 10:08:06 GMT -5 pcelurkerae said:

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:13 GMT -5 EllieArroway said:

He was the one who took weeks to schedule an appointment with the counselor hoping that it would just blow over, right? If so I think this is just another way he is trying to manipulate you into staying with him.

Yes, that was him.  I am now trying to figure out when to serve him the papers.  I obviously don't want to serve him if it will legitimately cause him harm, either self harm or a mental breakdown, but I really want to rip this bandaid off.

I'll say it again, his issues are not your issues. You are NOT responsible for his actions.

[katfco]

Are your children old enough to understand a bit of what's going on? Because my thought is either he really is on the verge of a mental break (unlikely) or he's exaggerating things to not only manipulate you, but also make you the bad guy in front of your kids. If they're over toddler age, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns into, "I did my best, but your mom is doing this."

I'm sorry it's happening like this and I hope he accepts it soon.

[pcelurkerae]

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:17 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

You should care for the sake of your children. Not in the "stop your life to take care of the blubbering idiot" kind of way, but you want the father of your kids to be stable and you want to foster a continued relationship between them.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I don't think its realistic to expect him to be over something as huge as a divorce so quickly.

ETA: it could be attempted manipulation. Or it could be that he finally realized what he lost. You know him better than we do.

SO true.  This is why I haven't let my complete exasperation out and have been very soothing towards him.  Because he is the father of my children and he is essential in their well being. 

So I'm bitching about it here because damn.  He is taking our youngest child and sleeping in the same bed and cuddling.  He's done it for 3 nights and I want it to end.  Of course, the kid LOVES it. 

I'm not ready yet to call it a manipulation, but I do have my eyes out.  That's why I'm a bitch;  because he has been rocked to the core.  He did not think I would ever divorce him, despite his freakin' cheating.  I would have been loyal like a puppy had he not tried to gaslight me and tell me it was all a computer virus.  

[pcelurkerae]

Sept 23, 2014 10:11:28 GMT -5 katfco said:

Are your children old enough to understand a bit of what's going on? Because my thought is either he really is on the verge of a mental break (unlikely) or he's exaggerating things to not only manipulate you, but also make you the bad guy in front of your kids. If they're over toddler age, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns into, "I did my best, but your mom is doing this."

I'm sorry it's happening like this and I hope he accepts it soon.

They are school age, so that is a possibility.  I swear to god I will shut that shit down so hard if he goes there.

[pixy0stix]

Sept 23, 2014 10:12:47 GMT -5 pcelurkerae said:

Sept 23, 2014 10:11:28 GMT -5 katfco said:

Are your children old enough to understand a bit of what's going on? Because my thought is either he really is on the verge of a mental break (unlikely) or he's exaggerating things to not only manipulate you, but also make you the bad guy in front of your kids. If they're over toddler age, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns into, "I did my best, but your mom is doing this."

I'm sorry it's happening like this and I hope he accepts it soon.

They are school age, so that is a possibility.  I swear to god I will shut that shit down so hard if he goes there.

Sounds like he already is if he's moping around the kids and being extra cuddly. He can do that on his own time at his own place during visitation.

[tacosforlife]

I'm a little touchy on the subject of suicide at the moment. So I will say that I'd you think he is serious, have him pcall a crisis line or drive him to the ER. Beyond that, I agree that the rest of his issues are not for you to worry about.

It's highly likely he's using talk of suicide to manipulate you, but please don't ignore that if you are concerned.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Sept 23, 2014 10:10:00 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:17 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

You should care for the sake of your children. Not in the "stop your life to take care of the blubbering idiot" kind of way, but you want the father of your kids to be stable and you want to foster a continued relationship between them.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I don't think its realistic to expect him to be over something as huge as a divorce so quickly.

ETA: it could be attempted manipulation. Or it could be that he finally realized what he lost. You know him better than we do.

Wrong. His issues are not her issues.

I've been up since 4:30 so I may not have been clear. I did not intend to say that these issues are her issues. But I'm a former divorce attorney so I'm thinking about this from a custody standpoint. She can only control how she reacts, not his actions, but she doesnt want to react in a way that bite her down the line.

If he really is emotionally unstable, she should care at least a little because this person has to be in her life until the kids are at least 18.

[sugarglider]

Here to send hugs. I'm divorced, but the circumstances were much different (no kids, no affair, no tears).

But just remember that even if he is 100% sincere in his feelings, they're still not your problem. Obviously since he's the father of your children and a person, you'll want to do what you can to assure that he doesn't kill himself, but only to the extent that you can do so without jeopardizing your own well-being. I like the calling 911 idea. Or maybe confide in one of his close friends...pass the buck to someone he hasn't screwed over recently.

You're not a stone cold bitch. You're just done. And justifiably so.

[pcelurkerae]

Sept 23, 2014 10:32:55 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

OK, this may be cold, but if he wants to kill himself -- a permanent solution to a temporary hurt/problem -- leave him to that. You need to be selfish and care of you and your kids.

If it was just me, hey off yourself.  But my children's lives would be forever and fundamentally altered if he killed himself and I cannot allow that to happen.  I will do whatever it takes to ensure they have a relationship with him.  He is not a bad father, and they love him.

[meshaliuknits]

I don't have any real advice, but I wanted to say that I don't think you're cold. Do what you need to for you and your children.

Best of luck to you.

[cookiemdough]

He needs to move out. You have tried to be amicable under the same roof and he is not playing by the rules by subjecting your kids to his behavior. He should go.

[hopecounts]

Next time he threatens suicide load him in the car and drop him at the ER, he can either be seen and get admitted/evaluated for a Mental health hold or track down a ride home on his own.
Not your problem.

[taratru]

Yeah, he's manipulating the shit out of you with that. My ex did the same things and I let that go on for TWO YEARS. Finally, I told him "if you want to kill yourself, go right ahead. I'll explain to our daughter what a fucking asshole you were." Calling the bluff and all that.

So take care of you and your littles. He can do the same and doesn't need you to do it. He's just seeing how much you'll do.

[Deleted]

Sept 23, 2014 10:34:51 GMT -5 pcelurkerae said:

Sept 23, 2014 10:32:55 GMT -5 @soudesafinado said:

OK, this may be cold, but if he wants to kill himself -- a permanent solution to a temporary hurt/problem -- leave him to that. You need to be selfish and care of you and your kids.

If it was just me, hey off yourself.  But my children's lives would be forever and fundamentally altered if he killed himself and I cannot allow that to happen.  I will do whatever it takes to ensure they have a relationship with him.  He is not a bad father, and they love him.

Well moping around and being a dramatic, manipulative douchecannon isn't what I would call the behavior of a decent father.

Yeah, I'm with most of the people in this thread. He's being a grade A manipulative fuckface and I wouldn't be dealing "soothingly" with him at all. In fact, I'd probably drag him back to the counselor and let them detail to this fucker exactly how his behavior is affecting his children and how it's not actually going to win you back.

[taratru]

Sept 23, 2014 10:11:47 GMT -5 pcelurkerae said:

Sept 23, 2014 10:05:17 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

You should care for the sake of your children. Not in the "stop your life to take care of the blubbering idiot" kind of way, but you want the father of your kids to be stable and you want to foster a continued relationship between them.

I don't think you're being a bitch, but I don't think its realistic to expect him to be over something as huge as a divorce so quickly.

ETA: it could be attempted manipulation. Or it could be that he finally realized what he lost. You know him better than we do.

SO true.  This is why I haven't let my complete exasperation out and have been very soothing towards him.  Because he is the father of my children and he is essential in their well being. 

So I'm bitching about it here because damn.  He is taking our youngest child and sleeping in the same bed and cuddling.  He's done it for 3 nights and I want it to end.  Of course, the kid LOVES it. 

I'm not ready yet to call it a manipulation, but I do have my eyes out.  That's why I'm a bitch;  because he has been rocked to the core.  He did not think I would ever divorce him, despite his freakin' cheating.  I would have been loyal like a puppy had he not tried to gaslight me and tell me it was all a computer virus.  

Um, no.  He can't just start changing the routines and structures of the daily life.  That shit is SO BAD for the kids.  They need that during the upheaval of him getting out.  He needs to get out.  Now.  Have you put a date on it?  Maybe a deadline would work, and if he doesn't go, can you?

[emilyj]

If you're a stone bitch, so am I. My reaction after reading that was pretty much "Fuck him." He chose to stick his dick in some other woman. Now he's manipulating you. Fuck him, and fuck that.

He needs to move out. If he's that much of a mess, then the kids are going to be affected by it all, and that's not fair to them. I'm fully expecting he will pull some shady blame shit with them at some point, but he does not need to be in the house, crying, not going to work, not eating. If he can't act like a normal human being, then he needs to GTFO.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but your priorities are you and your kids right now. Not him, not his issues, and not his manipulative, shitty behavior.

[heyjude]

He did a bad thing and you are over the marriage and that's okay. But I completely agree with StrawberryBlondie (and it sounds like you do too) that you can't just completely ignore his potentially suicidal distress if you also care for the emotional well being of your children (which of course you do!). Your children's problems are your problems. If it's simple manipulation, bye dude. But if it's real and he is really in danger then I think you have to take it seriously and get him some crisis intervention. I would err on the side of taking it seriously.

My answer changes completely if you in any way think you and your kids are in harm's way. If that's the case, get out fast and just stay safe and don't worry about his well being.

Good luck and all the best to you and your kids!!!

[tictac]

Meh, make room on the "Stone Cold Bitch" bench. He had an affair, he's not entitled to any sympathy, especially from you.

I guarantee you based off of these dramatics that he's not even remotely sorry he did it, he's sorry it blew up in his face. His damaged ego isn't your problem.

Fuck you, douche*




*your STBX, not you, obviously.