Grabbing someone's ass could be a way to hit on them. Maybe not the way many of us would like to be hit on, but not unquestionably intentionally hurtful.
I feel like your advice is not only incorrect, but actually harmful. Women should not have to put up with being groped and unwantedly kissed in the presence of their CHILD, and have it be written off as harmless flirting in any way, shape or form.
You are not helping her or her state of mind with that bullshit. Telling HR is exactly the right thing to to, and even if they can't act on anything right away (WHICH YOU HAVE NO CLUE IF THEY WILL OR NOT), they will get the ball rolling.
Things are infinitely more problematic for her in the future if she does NOT contact HR and document and let her workplace know that a coworker groped her in FRONT OF HER CHILD.
JESUS.
OP, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry that this happened to you. He is a jackass and I hope they suspend him or fire his ass.
Post by bobotron3000 on Sept 29, 2014 13:01:14 GMT -5
I am late to this discussion but I wanted to throw in my support. I've been in situations where I've been so stunned that I haven't said something I should have or shut someone down right away. That doesn't mean that you have any blame in what happened. Pulling away is the same as saying no. I think he expected that you wouldn't make a fuss in front of your daughter and used that to his advantage.
I 100% agree with the posters who have said to think about this as if it happened to your daughter. What would you want to happen to this guy and what would you want her to do? Hugs.
You are not helping her or her state of mind with that bullshit. Telling HR is exactly the right thing to to, and even if they can't act on anything right away (WHICH YOU HAVE NO CLUE IF THEY WILL OR NOT), they will get the ball rolling.
Things are infinitely more problematic for her in the future if she does NOT contact HR and document and let her workplace know that a coworker groped her in FRONT OF HER CHILD.
JESUS.
OP, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry that this happened to you. He is a jackass and I hope they suspend him or fire his ass.
I said in every single post that I made that she should tell HR so that it is documented. Did you actually read what I wrote? Of course I don't know how her actual HR department will handle it (as I also acknowledged multiple times) but I typically think going into something like this with reasonable expectations is more helpful than expecting he'll get fired and being disappointed (or feeling further wronged/unsupported) if he's not.
You work in HR, right? What do you think your organization would do with a first time complaint about an otherwise decent employee who did something like this outside of work? I'm really basing my thoughts on what I believe my past employers would do to handle it. Perhaps my experience is too conservative.
as someone that works in HR, please talk to your HR person. OP, we have your side of the story (which is awful - I'm so sorry you had to go through that), but at the end of the day with harassment, the person doing the harassing needs to know it was unwanted and it needs to be documented - so please go talk to HR so a larger conversation can ensue. This guy is a legal nightmare waiting to happen, and your HR person will recognize that and know how to respond.
First, thank you so much for all your advice and thoughts. The discussion and back and forth that's in this post and the other spin-off is all the stuff that's been going on in my head and it's helped me think things through.
Brief update- I asked my therapist yesterday if she could see me today, and I ended up being able to see her at 8:30 on my way into work. She was adamant that I needed to talk to my boss to get my story recorded first, and then coached me through how to interact with X based on how boss/HR responded.
When I left my appointment I got a text from X (last time he had texted me was a year and a half ago saying he would be late to work) that said "how are you? Are you coming to work today"? That text prompted me to call my boss while I was on my way to the office requesting a confidential meeting with her and HR ASAP,
I got to work and X had left a box of chocolates on my desk for my daughter.
As soon as my boss finished her meeting, she took me and HR director to a coffee shop off site and I told everything that had happened. She took notes, and I gave them the flier for the networking event. They were extremely supportive and receptive. She kept saying she was sorry this had happened to me, She told me to take my laptop and work from home the rest of the day, if I could focus on work. Her and HR director are talking to legal and they said they would keep me informed as they could.
So I'm not sure what will happen, but I do feel like I did the right thing going to them. And they did seem to think it was work related since it was clearly a networking event (and professional development is part of our goals). Legal might tell them that nothing can happen, but clearly things with X were only going to get worse so at least I have them dealing with it now.
Anyhow, thank you all very much. I really did need to hear over and over again what I should do in order to actually do it.
Post by LoveTrains on Sept 29, 2014 14:31:39 GMT -5
OP, thank you for the update. I am so sorry that this happened to you, but kudos to you for calling your boss and HR. I hope that this gets resolved quickly.
Post by vanillacourage on Sept 29, 2014 14:33:07 GMT -5
Holy shit at the texting and chocolates.
OP- document all this. Write up your version of events, including the actions that your boss and HR have taken to date. Email them to your boss and HR, saying "so we are all on the same page, these are my notes to date. Please let me know if yours do not agree."
Post by drloretta on Sept 29, 2014 14:33:23 GMT -5
For some reason I'm thinking they were not totally blindsided that he pulled this nonsense. And the chocolates make my skin crawl. I hope you threw them away.
I'm really proud of you for doing this, even though it was a really hard thing.
Thanks so much for this update. I'm really glad your boss and HR are taking this seriously. Don't be surprised if this is not the end of t or even if it gets worse before it gets better, but be proud of the fact that you stood up for yourself and for what is right.
Post by margarita on Sept 29, 2014 14:50:10 GMT -5
Good for you! You should be very proud of yourself for this. You absolutely did the right thing, and I'm glad that your boss and HR are supporting you.
Grabbing someone's ass could be a way to hit on them. Maybe not the way many of us would like to be hit on, but not unquestionably intentionally hurtful.
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?
This whole thread has me wanting to throw shit. Some of it at posters in this thread.
Post by sapphireblue on Sept 29, 2014 15:27:01 GMT -5
I lurk over here sometimes and I wanted to say that was a great idea to meet with your therapist first thing this morning. You handled it all very well. I am very happy that your boss and the HR person were so supportive.
That is creepy that he texted you and left the chocolates for you! Has he ever brought you candy or cookies for your daughter before? What an asshole.
Grabbing someone's ass could be a way to hit on them. Maybe not the way many of us would like to be hit on, but not unquestionably intentionally hurtful.
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?
This whole thread has me wanting to throw shit. Some of it at posters in this thread.
Agreed. Why not take it further? Holding someone down and forcing yourself on them could be a way to hit on them. Maybe the guy just didn't realize that would be hurtful.
This whole thread has me wanting to throw shit. Some of it at posters in this thread.
Agreed. Why not take it further? Holding someone down and forcing yourself on them could be a way to hit on them. Maybe the guy just didn't realize that would be hurtful.
Post by rosiedozie on Sept 29, 2014 16:12:19 GMT -5
carifly - I'm sure that you still have a lot of emotions swirling around this, but I hope that you can find some pride and comfort in knowing that you did the right thing here. I'm glad that your boss and HR took the action that they did.
Post by dexteroni on Sept 29, 2014 19:31:05 GMT -5
carifly, thanks for updating! It sounds like you handled this extremely well. I'm glad your boss and HR were supportive. What a creepy ass dude. I really hope he's fired.
carifly, I am just now reading this thread. First, I am so sorry that you are going through this. But I am so, so proud of you for seeing your therapist to arm you with the skills to tell your boss and HR. I am so glad that your boss and HR seemed receptive and are taking this seriously. Be kind to yourself and keep us posted. {{{hugs}}}
OP---thank you for the update. I've been thinking about you all day and am so glad you did the right thing and reported it. Please keep us updated and let us know if you need anything.
Relatively new poster ... But I read your Thad. So, so glad you reported him. Battery is an uninvited / unpermissible touching (if I am remembering torts 101 correctly).
What this guy did is wrong on so many levels. The chocolates for your DD especially scare me though. After what he pulled with you, there's no saying he wouldn't (eventually) try to get close to your daughter. I'm sorry to go there - but that's what the chocolates made me think of. Good for you for getting this reported ASAP. Not just for you, but your DD too. Glad you got to talk to your therapist too - you sound much stronger now.
Agree with the poster who said that he has created a hostile work environment.
I hope HR / your boss take this seriously and keep you guys apart (or better, get rid of him). You should be proud of what you did today!!
carifly I am so glad to see that you spoke to your therapist and then to HR. It sounds like they are supporting you in this which is great. Take care of yourself and please let us know if you need anything.
If you aren't in the employee relations side of HR, maybe it's best not to comment on what HR will or will not do. I'm certainly not qualified to comment on recruiting issues.