When life feels out of control-Update

[Pom]

Obviously, shit is hard these days at Chez Pom.   In additional to FIL and his Alzheimer's and our efforts to manage his entire life from 27 hours away, my mom and step dad are struggling with health and aging issues, Mr. P has some work drama. One BFF has very ill parents-one at home with hospice and we are trying to emotionally support her, and there is way more that I am just too tired to type out. FUCK. We and everyone we know are just overwhelmed and exhausted.  

Mr. Pom wants us to go to therapy.  I offered to make him an appointment, but he wants me to come with.  I want to lay down and sleep, dreamless all through the night, which never happens.  Support groups, individual therapy, couples therapy....what kind of help does a household with a clusterfuck of issues pick.

Suggestions?

Updates:  
My BFF's dad passed away last evening.  I am positively heart-broken for her.  He is one of my favorite people, but he was quite ill and in significant pain.  It's one of those situations you wish only peace and the end of suffering.
My mom was supposed to fly down here today for some family celebrations we have planned next week.  She is now in the hospital. She has a bowel obstruction/scar tissue in her small bowel, so she had to be admitted to see the surgeon (no surgery, just NG tube) but we are all so sad.  My sister was driving back to Texas but is turning around to go be with her.
My step dad had an appointment yesterday which reveals that he has a 67% blockage in his neck (he had a stroke June 2013) so I am sure a procedure is needed for that too.
Mr. Pom and I have an appointment to see a therapist together on Thursday, if I don't fly back home before that.
This week is not good.
Thank you everyone for all the suggestions...we are just going to keep managing as best we can.

[lilac05]

That's a lot on your plate. I'm sorry.

My gut reaction is all of the above, plus time for yourself, and time for date nights. However, I'm assuming part of the problem is that you don't have enough hours in a day to get everything done already, and that would just add more stress.

Can you look into online support groups for families of people with Alzheimer's? I would probably try to encourage Mr. P to go to therapy alone right now, with the agreement that you'll start couples therapy when the dust settles a bit more.

Do you have time for yoga/meditation/prayer type things? I find all of them help me literally and figuratively catch my breath when things get tough.

[Pom]

Thanks Lilac. I think meditation and yoga might help me.

I was just reading an on-line support group for AD and to be honest, that just sort of made me feel worse What a horrific disease for the person and their family.

Mr. Pom is really struggling with the state of his dad's life (that he has no friends left and has alienated everyone-FIL says he is lonely) and wondering what condition he will find his dad in when we see him next.

[spunkarella]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. It is a LOT and would take a toll on anyone.

I don't know what kind of therapy to pick, but any of those would likely be helpful and better than nothing. ((hugs))

Have you checked into the Alzheimer's Association branch near FIL? I have a friend who works in community outreach in my area. She is very passionate about the organization and says they offer TONS of support for families. Not just support groups or therapy, but things like connecting you to helpful (often free!) services that you may not be aware of - sometimes things you don't even know you need until they offer it.

I hope things get better for the pom family soon! Please vent here as much as you need.

[roseflower]

You could go to couples therapy and then ask what he/she suggests would be your best path.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using proboards

[stealthmom]

I'd probably do a combo of couples and individual. And lots of exercise.

I'm so sorry.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all this stuff. I am very much not a therapy person myself and would likely never go that route if it were up to me. That said, if H asked me to go with him I would since it would obviously be something he was feeling strongly about.

[UnderProtest]

I think that couples therapy would be a great place to find out how to support your husband and for him to find out how to support you through these very trying times. My husband and I went to counseling when we were going through fertility treatments and it really helped me to hear what he really meant versus what I was hearing him say. It can't hurt. And the therapist can direct you to things that might be more helpful to you (individual counseling, yoga, etc). Hugs. You are such a strong and good person, you shouldn't have to bear all these burdens on your own. And you should have the tools to cope with them as best you can.

[Deleted]

I think you guys would benefit from both couples therapy and individual, but if that's too much then I would actually start out with individual. You have been going through a lot with your FIL, and it might be good for you to have a place where you can talk about things without worrying about hurting your h or making him feel guilty.

[mskitkat]

When DH and I went through a difficult life patch a few months ago (1 death, 2 near deaths all within 3 weeks), the only thing that got me through was a combo of couple's therapy and individual, plus a whole lot of just taking care of myself. The best advice I have is to just survive. Let everything else go to hell and just focus on getting through. My house was a mess, we ate take out way more than we usually do, and I spent a whole lot of money on massages and manicures.

*hugs* Take care of yourself.

[Deleted]

Therapy has been life changing for us. We don't go often anymore, but going to a couple of visits when things get bad helps a lot--DH went when his friend passed away, we've both been for work stuff. We use the same therapist and he's seen us separately and together, so it's easy to do both.

I actually think in these circumstances, I would personally prefer individual unless they are causing serious stress in your relationship which doesn't seem to be the main issue. But either way works.

In my own experience, getting to the first appointment is the hardest part. You may go with him and find it more helpful than you expected.

[Pom]

Thanks to everyone here, as always. I think maybe I vent here and Mr. P doesn't have that out. I've read some horrible things about Alzheimer's patients and their caregivers and honestly, since FIL isn't with us, we seem to have it easy. That said, I still feel overwhelmed trying to keep all the balls in the air.

But I recognize that FIL is still Mr. P's dad, no matter how FIL has acted and treated others all his life. I've pretty much only seen FIL act out and be nasty to the people around him, that I love like crap, so my viewpoint is so different. Now that FIL isn't acting so hurtful to everyone all the time, it is tougher even for me.

Maybe we will see the therapist together and maybe then Mr. P can go on his own. We really don't have issues together as much as I think Mr. P just thinks/feels he needs me there. I don't have an emotion that I don't express...Mr. P isn't like that. I think he needs to learn coping skills.

[raangoli]

Hugs to you, Pom. I think therapy, or giving Mr. Pom an outlet is a good idea. 

A good friend is also dealing with a similar situation now, and it's just awful all around. I think you're right that perhaps Mr. Pom just wants you there for the moral support, so I'd go with him and then perhaps he will feel more comfortable on his own.

I also think that planning activities that you both enjoy will be a huge help as well. Something of a distraction if you will. Trips, or long weekends etc.

[dexteroni]

Therapy is a great idea. I think if your DH feels strongly about you going, there must be a reason he wants you there. Maybe he's a little apprehensive about it and will feel more comfortable if you're there? Once he feels comfortable he'll probably be ok with you not attending all of the sessions.

And certainly can't hurt for you to see someone too. I know you have us to vent to, and yes, we're awesome lol, but we're certainly not professionals. There's probably some benefit to be had for both of you.

[sicilygirl]

I have no advice, but I'm so sorry you're going through all of this (and especially all at the same time). I get overwhelmed with my life all the time, and I have very little actually going on. I really hope things start to improve for y'all soon.

[niq]

On my phone so I will write a lengthier reply, but some ideas that have helped me in the past.

Exercise
Quitting caffeine
Just try to be zen about stuff going wrong or not getting done "on time" if it doesn't /really/ matter. EASIER SAID THAN DONE, I know.

I'm also reading Getting Things Done and seeing if some/all of the strategies in there will help reduce the dull buzzing sound in the back of my brain and inability to fall back asleep.

Hang in there!

[Deleted]

I have nothing to add to the great advice you have here. You have a good head on your shoulders and good instincts. Hang In there. I'll be thinking of you.

[orangeblossom]

About five years ago, life was super crazy for me. My mother's stroke, subsequent health issues and death AND my own issues, potentially looking at a debilitating chronic illness and just life, got the best of me.

Fortunately, I realized it and went to therapy. It was a great decision.

I think if Mr. Pom wants to go to therapy, and you're not opposed if would be a good thing. I think you have enough going on that couples and individual therapy could be good.

In the meantime, try to find some downtime and just sit, I know it's easier said than done. Do you exercise/like to exercise? Sometimes just walking helps clear your mind.

It's okay to take care of your needs too, and really it's imperative for all involved. You can't help anyone if you're not taking time out for you.

Hugs.

[niq]

Sept 29, 2014 0:10:43 GMT -5 Pom said:

Obviously, shit is hard these days at Chez Pom.   In additional to FIL and his Alzheimer's and our efforts to manage his entire life from 27 hours away, my mom and step dad are struggling with health and aging issues, Mr. P has some work drama. One BFF has very ill parents-one at home with hospice and we are trying to emotionally support her, and there is way more that I am just too tired to type out. FUCK. We and everyone we know are just overwhelmed and exhausted.  

Mr. Pom wants us to go to therapy.  I offered to make him an appointment, but he wants me to come with.  I want to lay down and sleep, dreamless all through the night, which never happens.  Support groups, individual therapy, couples therapy....what kind of help does a household with a clusterfuck of issues pick.

Suggestions?

I promised a longer reply, so here I go.

(0) I would look around for a support/peer group for people caring for aging parents.
(1) Exercise is probably the biggest mood boost I've gotten. If you go to a doctor and say you feel depressed, they'll probably suggest exercise. Solo sports give you a chance to tune out life; team sports give you people to socialize with; you can set goals for yourself and hit them; etc.
(2) try quitting caffeine. It sounds horrible, and it is for about a week, but you'll feel much better after that.
(3) Find a way for you & Mr. Pom to have time for each other. msniq & I took up swing dancing, which gave us an excuse to have date nights once a week. Plus we met some friends, which brings me to ...
(4) Do you guys have some sort of social outlet that's not work or family? Sports league, swing dancing, knitting night, anything?
(5) Look into Getting Things Done for ways to stay on top of all the random crap that has to happen in life. This book has come up like four times in the past two weeks, maybe it should be an MM book club book?

I haven't really had much luck with therapy/counseling as an adult. But that's my personal experience, obviously lots of others on the board have had it work for them.

I'm sorry things are hard.

[Deleted]

niq I feel you on the constant low buzz in the back of the brain and the night time insomnia. For the third time since Friday I woke up at 5am and couldn't fall back asleep. The alarm goes off at 6:15am. Maybe I should start exercising now instead of my usual lunchtime bike ride? I'm looking up the Getting Things Done book now.

Pom: That is a LOT to have on your plates. I think therapy wiuld never hurt and be a valuable show of support for Mr. Pom. Big hugs to you both.

[lilac05]

Big hugs, Pom. I was hoping for a better update. I'm so sorry for you and your friend's loss, but try to take at least some comfort amidst your grief to be thankful that he is at peace and no longer in pain.

Re: AD, I understand, though it was my grandma, not my parent, which I realize is different. Remember that a lot of your FIL's nastiness is the AD talking and not really him. My grandma went through that, too. She and my grandpa had been married 60 years & he went daily to be with her (in the nursing home). She went through a phase of cursing at him and spewing nastiness at him. It's a phase of the disease, and it will pass. After that, she eventually became more relaxed. She didn't always recognize us (which was very difficult for us, of course), but she was content with it and no longer aware of her "craziness" (as she called it). It certainly wasn't easy, but that phase was definitely better than the anger phase.

One hour, minute, or second at a time. Hugs.

[minzy]

Hugs, Pom.  That all sounds pretty rough.  

[Deleted]

Oh man. One day at a time. We're here when you need to vent/support. Hugs to you and all the people in your world

[orangeblossom]

Man, I just saw your update. Hugs to you. I'm very sorry to hear about your BFFs day. Thoughts and prayers to all involved.

Good thoughts about your parents health issues.

I'm glad you're able to see someone so quickly.

Hugs to you.

[lurknomore]

(hug)Pom (hug2)

I'm sorry to hear the shitty update.  I wish I had magical words that would take it all away, but I don't.  Just remember that you're not alone and we're here to lend an ear (or an eye, really) if you need it.  Take care of yourselves and take some time for you.  niq had some great suggestions.  GL on Thursday and let us know how your appointment goes if you care to share.  Thinking about you...

[nomad100]

Pom ((Hugs))

So much on your plate and the update...oof, even more.

I am so sorry for your, and your BFF's, loss.

Re: your dad. My grandmother had to have an artery in her neck unblocked due to calcification and it was an easy procedure and she had a speedy recovery, even at 80 something. If I remember (this was about 10 years ago) she was home after one night and was sore for a week or so (needed to eat soft foods) but after that she was fine.

[explorer2001]

Hugs Pom

[Pom]

Sept 30, 2014 8:32:44 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

Pom ((Hugs))

So much on your plate and the update...oof, even more.

I am so sorry for your, and your BFF's, loss.

Re: your dad. My grandmother had to have an artery in her neck unblocked due to calcification and it was an easy procedure and she had a speedy recovery, even at 80 something. If I remember (this was about 10 years ago) she was home after one night and was sore for a week or so (needed to eat soft foods) but after that she was fine.

Thanks for sharing the info about the blockage, I am hoping it is minimal and goes well.


You are all so kind.  *hugs back*

[hamster]

God, Pom. I'm so sorry this is all happening at once. I just want to give you a big hug and then help you punch a wall or something. Hang in there.

[sproutmd]

I'm just so sorry. You are such a strong person. I don't know what else to say.