A Newbie/AE Update

[redshoejune]

So, I came here in June as an AE and asked for advice on my husband who was getting violent. I didn't want to leave, but I was thinking about it. As with most AEs/newbies, I didn't really want to take the advice that told me to get out fast.

I did go to a counselor. He sucked. He told me that of course I didn't need to leave and we could totally work on making everything perfect. I left feeling confused but saw him a few times. 

Then, he put his hands on me again. He left a big bruise on my arm, the biggest I had ever had. And still, I didn't want to leave. I honestly wasn't even thinking about it.

And then, in mid August I found evidence that he had been cheating on me. I STILL didn't want to leave, but I started considering it again. I mean, why was I putting up with so much obviously wrong (the verbal/emotional and physical abuse) if he wasn't even being faithful? After several days of trying (and failing) to come up with a reason to stay, I decided to get divorced, and told him a week later. I found a new and much better counselor and met with a couple of lawyers. It is weird to me that infidelity is what it took to wake me up, but that's how it was.

And now, 6 weeks later, I FILED FOR DIVORCE TODAY. I am feeling so many things, but one of them is excited.

We are living together with our kids, and will probably stay this way until everything is finalized. He is sleeping in the basement and I am on the second floor with the kids. I know it is a bit of a risk, but he is really afraid of losing them and he knows I am ready to do anything, so I am not worried. During the past 6 weeks he has been so nice and normal to me at times it has made me think I am crazy for wanting to divorce. I am really worried about what my future will look like with my girls and if I will be alone forever, but I know it is good for them to get out of this situation. I keep telling him I have to guarantee they never see us fighting they way we have in the past and the only way to be sure if for us not to live together anymore. 

[MauMau]

I'm glad you filed. I really hope things will get better.

Have to talked with your lawyer and counselor on what the plan is if he were to get physical with you? This is my biggest concern since you are still living together. I would just want. To have a few different ideas on what you would need to do and what would be the ramifications.

My stbx abused me emotionally, verbally, and a few times physically. I'm only safe and free because he was a cheating asshole and be kicked me out so he could continue his fling. I'm in a much better place now! Feeling much safer and 100 times happier.

[Mrs.Rad888]

I'm so happy for you that you filed for divorce. You may not think of yourself as strong, since you didn't get out sooner, but it takes so much strength to leave an abuser. Hopefully he will behave himself until one of you moves out, but if he doesn't, PLEASE don't hesitate to call the police. I'm worried about what he will do once he realizes that him being his charming self isn't going to change your mind. Of course he's being a good guy now, he's basically been called out on his behavior. Do you have friends or family in the area where you can go overnight if he gets violent again? Do you have somewhere you can stash some emergency supplies if you do need to leave with no warning? 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that things stay good while you are living together, and hope that your divorce is quick and as painless as can be expected.

Don't worry about if you're going to be alone forever. Chances are that you won't be, but even if you are, isn't it better than how you are living now?

Best of luck.

[lexxasaurus]

That situation is the hardest thing I've ever left, don't ever fault yourself for not doing it immediately, you decided to get out and that's a huge deal! You and your children will be so much better off, and you're such a strong woman for making this decision.

That being said, while it sounds like he has accepted the divorce and things are okay now, I agree with others and you do need to have a plan in case he gets violent. Someplace to go, someplace to call, just have a backup in case things go awry. Fingers crossed it goes nice and smooth for you!

[locarb]

You are strong for making the decision. You will be happier without being in an abused relationship. Your daughters will see this. I hope things go smoothly until the divorce is finalized. continue to post

[jojoandleo]

Oookay, I am going to have to give you more advice you do not want to hear. The most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when she decides to leave. Of course he is being nice right now; he is thinking he can manipulate you and win you back. What happens when he can't? You should 110% NOT be living with this man. It is not safe for you and it is not safe for your children. I am SHOCKED your attorney and counselor are fine with this arrangement.

[wampuscat]

Does he know that you have filed? I'm going to have to agree with jojoandleo. If he doesn't know about it already, he's probably going to lose his shit that you actually filed and that all of his charm this past 6 weeks didn't work. I think you need to find somewhere else to stay. Please be safe.

[Deleted]

Good for you for filing! It is really hard to leave, so you should be proud of yourself for making that decision, regardless of how long it took to get there. Most people do not get there quickly so you are in good company.

I can identify with what you said about how infidelity made it seem less worth it to put up with the rest of the abuse stuff. I had the same exact epiphany. My marriage ended because of infidelity, but it was really just the last straw on a long list of reasons why it should have ended. It really drove home the point that he was doing so many negative things I shouldn't have had to put up with, and yet he couldn't even be loyal to me in return for me being loyal to him through his behavior?

I hope you are safe.

[Wanderista]

I'm really glad that you filed as well and that you are in the process of ending that situation. Violent domestic abuse is out of my depth so I won't say more than that I hope you and your children are safe.

[redshoejune]

I was out of town for the week and wanted to come back and answer some questions.

He does know that I filed and everything is still fine. To the point that it almost makes me doubt my decision. My lawyer and counselor have both talked to me about emergency plans and I feel ok here. I do have family nearby, but so far they don't know anything about what's going on.

Telling my family is a whole other issue that I haven't broken through yet.

[gault]

I am very concerned that you are still living together. Especially when he has hit you.

He will not be nice for long. He still thinks he can manipulate you into staying at some point. Once it becomes real he will lash out.

Please please please consider getting you and your children out of there. We can help you.

You have taken tremendous steps and you should be very proud of yourself.

[1confused1]

Oct 6, 2014 23:51:05 GMT -5 gault said:

I am very concerned that you are still living together. Especially when he has hit you.

He will not be nice for long. He still thinks he can manipulate you into staying at some point. Once it becomes real he will lash out.

Please please please consider getting you and your children out of there. We can help you.

You have taken tremendous steps and you should be very proud of yourself.

This. 100 times this. Get out fast. Seriously, he hurt you before.

[gault]

And you filed just today? And it is a blessing that he is being so nice?

Honey, please get out. This is a really dangerous situation. You just filed. He has been nice because he thought you wouldn't. This could change in an instant. He could hurt your kids. You just don't know. and it is so much better to be cautious and protect yourself and your young kids than to hope it will stay the same because he has kept up appearances so far.

Please trust us with this. Many of us have been around the block and can see the signs of a bad situation brewing. Please. Please please leave, like now. Ignore your goddamn attorney who is most likely saying those things from a future marital asset standpoint and not a safety standpoint.

[WinterIsComing]

Oct 7, 2014 0:05:11 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Oct 6, 2014 23:51:05 GMT -5 gault said:

I am very concerned that you are still living together. Especially when he has hit you.

He will not be nice for long. He still thinks he can manipulate you into staying at some point. Once it becomes real he will lash out.

Please please please consider getting you and your children out of there. We can help you.

You have taken tremendous steps and you should be very proud of yourself.

This. 100 times this. Get out fast. Seriously, he hurt you before.

I agree 100%. If he has been violent before, there is a chance he will become violent again once he realizes that you are serious about the divorce. The nice act now might his way of trying to convince you to change your mind.

It sounds like you have a therapist, but I would strongly urge you to contact a domestic violence shelter/advocate to help you figure out options to leave NOW. They may also be able to provide some additional perspective on the safety of staying that your therapist might not have if he/she doesn't specialize in abuse.

Stay safe!