therapy making things worse before they get better?

[CloudBee]

Emotionally.

I went into therapy to talk about my heart/death/coping.  We quickly realized that the root of my problems point back to my childhood.  Years of abuse have come up.  Memories that have always been there, but I've never lifted, and for the most part, failed to talk about.

One benefit of therapy has been the strengthening of my relationship with my sister.  We've spent hours recounting experiences we lived through, yet hadn't even discussed with each other, after the fact.  My therapist says it's good that we've reconnected, and are talking much of this through.  (I specifically asked, as I was concerned it was bad for us to spend so much time the past few weeks dredging up the past together, over the phone.)

It's so painful.  I now have a much better understanding of my childhood, and who I am.  I'm even feeling empowered to put up stronger boundaries between my parents and my own family.  But man, I feel so emotionally raw.  My therapist is on vacation, and suggests that upon her return, I dig deeper with her, and share more of these childhood memories.  (So I can kick them aside, per se, and so she understands how we should proceed.)

I'm finding it very helpful to hear "you didn't deserve that" and "there's nothing you could have done to prevented xyz".  But it is also so, so hard to share, and to hear that feedback.

If you've been on a similar journey, how long did you feel raw, and when did you start to feel whole again?

Much of my past has been shoved under a rug.  And now I'm wanting to distance myself from my parents even more - though this is mainly based on my childhood, not their current actions.  (Though many say I should keep strong distance based on their current actions as well.)

[jerseyjaybird]

Big hugs to you. You're really brave to tackle this.

My journey has been quite different from yours, but I have had the experience of feeling emotionally drained and daunted after opening up about trauma. This feeling has always ceded to a sense of peace and strength, though that's happened very gradually---it would be hard to say how long it took. But most emotional states are temporary, as this one will be for you.

[Deleted]

I have gone through something similar, although I was on my own because my sister says that "she just doesn't think about the past" and has stood by my parents through some pretty fucked up things. It became a "me vs. them" thing which is hard, considering a main reason I started therapy is because I felt like an outsider in my own family.

It was extremely hard to unpack all of the emotions from my childhood. I did a few sessions of EMDR and it really did help me. I went back to my earliest memory of abuse (being beat with a wooden spoon for spilling my dads beer while screaming to my mom to help me) and talked it over and over. And then I "rewrote" the memory. For me, it was that I hit my dad back and told off my mom for never standing up for me. Once I was able to get through that memory it has helped me to process their actions and my own. For me personally, I've been working on being my own mother, that I wish I had. Someone who stood up for me and told me it wasn't my fault.

It has been tricky for me (again, personally) to not fall into the victim role in all of it. It does feel so unfair, but at the same time being a victim feels so powerless so gaining some of my power back has helped.

I didn't talk to my parents for 2 years. I very recently have started to slowly try and reconcile with boundaries that I am comfortable with.

Feel free to PM me, or whatever if you need to talk.

I do feel that dealing with all of this has helped me to be a better person and a better mom. It is really hard some days though.

[Deleted]

I think I'm there now. I have a really strained relationship with my mom, no contact at all with my dad (I've met him five times in my life), and very little contact with my teenage sisters.

I debated therapy for years, and held off "because I'm doing fine on my own." I am unique in my family in that I have a college education, a full-time job, a healthy, stable marriage, etc. However, the chaos my family causes started to get to be too much for me and I started to see a therapist this summer.

It was very difficult for me to talk about all of the hurtful, disappointing things my family members have done to me and to themselves. Like you, CloudBee, I was really reassured when my therapist told me similar things like, "no one deserves that," and when she validated my (successful) life choices that have set me apart from my family. I have not received much validation from many other people in my life.

My therapist told me at our last session that she is leaving therapy, and she gave me a recommendation for someone else in the area. I decided to call the new therapist, but initially I thought I wouldn't since I didn't want to dredge all of this up again. I feel like my therapist and I are just making progress. I spent my first several sessions literally crying to her (probably 5-6 hours total) and for the past few sessions (5-6 hours more) I've been able to talk/think constructively without crying. The first several weeks were really rough for me emotionally, and I wondered if therapy was "worth it" since I walked out of there so upset each week after telling my stories. Eventually though, we got to a positive place where I could reflect and analyze and come to peace with some events from my life. I don't want to start all over with a new therapist and go through all of that again, but I don't think I'm "done" yet either.

My MIL is a social worker, and she gave me the good advice to ask my therapist for "tools" to work through these things on my own. Not to discontinue therapy, but to have a "toolbox" to use in this interim period. I can use these tools now between sessions, and keep using them someday when I do stop going to therapy.

Everyone is different, and goes to therapy for different reasons, and will have different journeys. However, I think what you are experiencing is "normal." Dredging up unpleasant things from the past will be painful, but this process should help you move forward in a more positive way.

Good luck.

[CloudBee]

Sept 30, 2014 13:51:15 GMT -5 scm1011 said:

I think it's great that you and your sister are able to lean on each other, and that it has strengthened your relationship. I have NEVER had such a conversation with my own sister, and I know our lack of closeness is very tied to the way we were pitted against each other by my parents as children. Hopefully someday we'll get to a place where we can talk it through and put it behind us.

For most of my life, we haven't been close.  But on the phone about a month ago, I just blurted it out.  I told her "I'm in therapy".  We never talk about personal issues.  Our conversations are always superficial.  We ask what the other made for dinner, etc.  But I HAD to know if she remembered X, or if she ever experienced Y with my parents, or what her memories were about Z.  And from there, it all started pouring out.

We were also pinned against each other in a figurative sense.  And in once memory, she actually had to pin me down in a physical sense, when I was being abused.  Crazy shit.  I hated her for it.  But she was also not in control.

I'm happy I stepped outside of my comfort zone and told her I started therapy.  But I'm also getting sick of rehashing our memories.  It seems like we need to, though.  In a way, we don't really know each other, yet we also share the same past.
 

[ally]

For months I cried at every therapy session, in my car when I left, when I told my husband, and when I would talk with a close friend.  I said once said how silly I felt crying about it and my friend responded "when you quit crying, you will know you can move on".  I remind myself of that when - it gets hard, when I still cry, when I have the hard conversation with family I wouldn't have had a year ago, when I let go of expectations.  

I also remind myself that the process will make me stronger and happier, even if there are days I wish I could go back to the "easier" time before I started. 

[lys]

yes, very common.
Worth all the hard work for the end results, though.

[flatlan]

Big hugs! You are very brave to tackle all of this. I do think it gets worse before it gets better but is so worth it in the end.

[lime]

Oh god, yes.

It got much, much harder for me initially. I use the analogy that therapy was like being wrung out like a sponge. I literally cried until I was out of tears and had a pounding migraine at many of my sessions. I filled trash cans with my snotty, tear soaked kleenex. I ran from my therapist's office with my sunglasses on, back through the waiting room each time, praying none of my co-workers were sitting there. That casual witty banter between therapist and client that rom-coms show is total BS.

And, then, one day, I had gotten through everything. New, horrible things that were thrown my way didn't bother me because I understood that I didn't cause it or deserve it and I had better coping skills by then.

Big hugs Cloud. It's so completely worth it. I was (still am) a total different and happier person because of therapy. You'll get there too.

[livinitup]

Oh, yes. Very much so.

There is a lot of good evidence that opening a wound to clean and heal it hurts a hell of a lot more than ignoring it. In the short run. But the problem with ignoring a wound is that it festers - even if you ignore it. And it causes a hell of a lot of damage in the long run.

Open up your emotions. Give them some sunlight, even if it stings. You'll heal faster. Heck, you'll heal. 

[mushmouse]

I never understood people who felt light and airy after a therapy session. I always felt like I went several rounds in the ring with a heavyweight boxer. When I started NOT feeling like that I didn't need therapy anymore!

[tacom]

Oct 1, 2014 8:35:54 GMT -5 mushmouse said:

I never understood people who felt light and airy after a therapy session. I always felt like I went several rounds in the ring with a heavyweight boxer.

Agree. After my first session, FI ran over and wanted to ask twenty questions about how it went and how I felt. He now knows I just need to be quiet and alone those nights. It is emotionally exhausting.

CloudBee big hugs to you. I've personally found my siblings to be the most incredible allies and sources of strength when dealing with parents who have hurt you. It's comforting to have someone who has just been there for it all and can be that mirror when you need it.

[lolo]

Tagging @ukyankee, who might be able to comment on this.

[explorer2001]

I will try to post a more complete reply later.

It got a lot worse before it got better. It was in therapy I realized I was being abused (in addition to lied to and cheated on by my now exH), that what I was living with wasn't normal or right. I had to work through a ton of cognitive dissonance, social and religious conditioninh and guilt, and other stuff to admit the situation was wrong, that the things I was experiencing were not love or loving behavior. That made the abuse escalate. Then I had to get free and get safe.

Only after that could I start working on my family of origin issues that led me to believe abuse was love and all the other stuff related to that.