Confronting my cyberbully 13 years later

[summer]

The Atlantic

I was thirteen, I had a falling-out with my best friend, after which she tortured me over the Internet for the next three years. We were so close that she knew the answer to my security question, so it didn't matter if I changed my password. Over the course of three years she would periodically go in and delete all of my emails, leaving only cruel notes for me, from my own account, as the sole messages in my inbox.



The worst part were the calendar reminders. Written in the first person, they notified me of my own plans to kill myself. I would be quietly browsing, then the reminder would pop up: "Throw myself off the ____ bridge." (There are a few rivers and creeks in my hometown, so she could be specific.) These reminders were always set for midnight, in the dead of winter. I was an imaginative child, so they would bring up the whole scene for me immediately: I would see my own hands on the bridge railing, the darkness of the water below.



I told few people about this and never any teachers or parents. One of the first times I talked about it to an adult, I was an adult too, almost 29 years old. I was cyberbullied in 1998. That's why it was over email and also why I didn't change my security question. Yahoo didn't even offer that option until I was in my late teens. At the time, I didn't want to get a new account and let my ex-bestie know she'd won.



More than ten years later, I got in touch with Amanda. (That’s not her real name. None of the names in this article are real. But it doesn’t really matter.) I didn’t want her to say sorry. It doesn't matter to me, either way. Instead, I thought about the strangeness of our young minds. How could I have suffered for three years instead of changing my account, or going for help? What kind of person sends suicide notes to another girl for three years straight? I saw on Facebook that Amanda had children now. Had she changed?



I remember my consternation when some of the first cyberbullying stories starting making the news in the late 2000s. I was in college. I kept reading about the parents and the bullies, but I wished I could hear from the girls who had been bullied. This was impossible, however. These girls had made the news because they had killed themselves. I thought about how good it would have felt if I had known, at 13, that I would survive, and that I wasn't alone.



* * *



Amanda is now a fat, happy mom in the suburbs and I'm still terrified of her. I know this because, for this story, I started contacting her on Facebook Messenger. I soon developed a Pavlovian response to the Facebook pop. It made my hands shake and my heart race. Sometimes I buried my face in my palms for two breaths before I checked the message.



Amanda and I are not Facebook friends (I know, shocking), but we have friends in common. Coaxing her to talk to me took weeks and not a few messages to our mutual friends. The whole time, my anxiety never lessened. I spent a lot of time hyperventilating on trains and on my couch at home.



At first, Amanda said she didn't remember anything. "We were friends, and then we went different directions socially. I don't remember many details, it was a long time ago," she wrote.



With prompting, she recalled signing into my email, "likely multiple times." As a kid, I had asked her face-to-face if the person disappearing my entire inbox was her. At the time, she had always denied it.



"Do you remember what it felt like to sign into the account? Was it fun or exciting?" I asked.



"I think I probably felt smart," she replied. I thought that was the most I would get out of her.



When I finally felt I'd buttered her up enough—and how painful it was to have to feign sweetness and sympathy with her!—I asked the Big Question. "Do you remember leaving calendar reminders for me to kill myself?"



"Omg no! That's horrible," she wrote. "I'm really sorry."



She has still never admitted to leaving the calendar reminders. Later, she said they "sound plausible"—plausible that she could have set them—but she also wondered if someone else might have been in on it, too, because she couldn't recall doing it. How would I know? "Did you share my information with anyone else?" I asked.



"I can see it as something I *may* have done, because, who knows what goes through a teenager's mind, but I really have no recollection," she said. "I can't remember if Diana was involved or not." Diana was a friend Amanda had had since elementary school. She, and two other girls, made up Amanda's core of closest friends at the time.



What I really wanted to know was what kind of person sends another girl prompts to kill herself. But it seemed like I would never find out. She didn't remember setting the calendar reminders, she kept saying. Either she was lying to me, or they mattered so little to her, she forgot.



* * *



Amanda chose to befriend me soon after we started at the same junior high. I'm not sure why. I was still kind of a kid who liked books and fantasy and playing pretend. Amanda came with a ready set of three other girl friends she had made in elementary school, who showed me how to play the things older girls played. Mall-loitering. Truth or dare. Spin the bottle. I was fascinated. After we friend-broke up, I used everything she taught me with my next girl friends, from how to do my nails, to how to talk on the phone for hours.



When Amanda decided to excise me from the group, two of her other friends called me to tell me they were thinking of dropping me because everyone else in the group was kind of cool—they gave examples of the other cool friends and activities they had/did—but I wasn't. Then they made my life at school as unpleasant as possible for a few weeks.



I have little memory of what happened with us away from the keyboard. Amanda recalled over Facebook that she and Diana would pretend to talk about me in the halls when I walked by, which I didn't remember. I do remember watching Amanda excise other girls while we were still friends. One effort involved Amanda saying loudly at lunchtime, ostensibly to those of us still in the group, "Don't you hate when people try to sit with you when you didn't give them permission and you don't even like them? You try to shake them off, but they keep following you, like a little dog. It's like they can't take a hint."


That other girl sat a foot away from us at the cafeteria table, weeping, while we avoided eye contact. I felt guilty, but also relieved that Amanda was willing to make sure that other girl never came back. She seemed sweet, but she was much less popular than us, and I didn't want other students to see I was friends with her.



I went to college out of state, so after we graduated, I never saw Amanda, or anyone I didn't want to—at least until Facebook came to my campus. Suddenly I was getting a friend request from the boyfriend I'd had when I was 14, which I declined. Eventually Amanda joined, which I could see through our mutual friends. I saw photos of her walking down the aisle as a bridesmaid at the wedding of one of her three, original, elementary-school friends. They were all there. I could have been one of those bridesmaids, I thought. Weird.



I mostly avoided Amanda's online presence because it made me queasy, but once in a while, I would check her public photos and information. I saw she gained a lot of weight, which I told myself shouldn't matter. It's misogynistic and plain bitchy to feel glad a woman you don't like has gained weight. I was glad, anyway, and then I felt gross about it. I also felt gross about checking on her in general, but about once a year, I'd give in to temptation. Perhaps it was an echo of what Amanda used to do to me. Those suicide reminders had been an annual thing, on New Year's Eve.



Eventually I learned that I could see all of Amanda's wedding pictures if I searched her and her husband's first names on her own photographer's website. I could find who Amanda's wedding photographer was, of course, by looking at the watermark on the white-veiled photo she used as her Facebook profile picture. I discovered not only her wedding and engagement photos, but also the professional shots she commissioned while she was pregnant, and later with her children in post-fetus form. Oh, Jesus Christ, this crazy woman has two children, I thought. Also, maybe I'm the crazy one for doing this.



"How do you think you would advise your kids if something like this happened to them when they were teens?" I asked Amanda over messenger.



"Change email accounts, go to the school," she said. "Did you go to your parents at the time? Did they help?"



One thing I think about now is how horrified I would be if this happened to my daughter and she didn't tell me. But at the time, I would have never dreamed of telling my parents. I thought I could handle it. I thought my parents would freak out and make things worse for me.



When I told Amanda that, she said, "I don't think I would've told my parents, either."



I remember wanting to die, when I was in junior high. I was just… in a lot of pain, and I didn't see an end to it. A few weeks, a few months, is a long time for a junior high girl. Three years is a long time for any kind of person.



Obviously, I didn't die, partly because killing myself was too scary and partly because I had a strong sense that the person in my email must not win. Then, as I got older, I found new friends. I began caring a lot about getting into college out of state. The desperation faded. The reminders stopped coming as often, too, although I once got the message: "Did you miss me?"



By the end, I thought I was holding down the fort well. I was smart and put together, I was going away to college, and meanwhile, I could ride this out longer than she. I don't know what I would have felt if my 16-year-old self had known that in ten years, I would be checking Amanda's wedding pictures on her photographer's website.



* * *



Did she ever do anything over the Internet to anyone else? I asked her. She didn't. Why not?



"Maybe it wasn't as easy?" she wrote.



After I told her I was writing this story, with or without her cooperation, we talked a lot more, but it was still hard to get a sense of how she was thinking. She said sorry, and she said she didn't remember. Her not remembering shut off a lot of the conversations we could have had next. What were you feeling. What were you hoping for. What would you have done if.



"What I'd want to know, is what you would have felt if I had killed myself. Did you think that far ahead?"



"I honestly don't know. I don't remember telling you to do that."



Near the end of our talks, Amanda said sorry more and more. "When you first contacted me, I felt it to be awkward and annoying. I didn't realize I had hurt you so deep. I forgot about the email, and I have no recollection of the calendar. For whatever it is worth, I'm sorry." I started to believe her.



I even started to believe it could have been someone else who picked up where Amanda left off, which was what Amanda said she thought. When we were 14, I stole my gentle neighbor Kari's boyfriend. Wouldn't that do it? Kari never confronted me about it. We just drifted away from one another. If it was her, I forgave her immediately.



In my heart, I've been fighting Amanda, or whoever was in my email, for about 15 years now. I'm really tired. I'm tired of being afraid. I built my life and I survived and I won and it is easier not to think about who really did it, and why.



"What do you think changed for you as you became an adult?" I asked Amanda. "Like what makes the 28-year-old you not the kind of person who would sign into someone else's email anymore?"



"I probably wouldn't take the time to get into petty disagreements that would warrant that? I try not to spend time with negative people...people that would compel me to do something like that. I'd rather write off the friendship/move-on instead of trying to annoy someone."



"What kind of things make someone a negative person, to you?”



"Someone who is disrespectful."



"Was I disrespectful to you when we were kids?"



"I don't think so. Whatever it was, was probably some petty argument."

[IIOY]

I am only partway through this piece, but this woman is absolutely lying when she says she does not remember doing these things.

[Michelle]

Oct 1, 2014 6:27:54 GMT -5 IIOY said:

I am only partway through this piece, but this woman is absolutely lying when she says she does not remember doing these things.

ITA. Even after finishing it. Amanda is a massengil dripping suburban cuntwitch. She has an opportunity to admit she was horrible and take full accountability but she doesn't. Because deep inside she thinks she wasn't THAT mean... Although now she may have a kid that experiences it and that does probably does cause her some concern and is probably partly why she never admits to the worst part of what she did.

[wawa]

Oct 1, 2014 6:55:53 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I'm one of those people who think that people don't really change. Not on some huge metamorphosis type scale. They just don't. I was bullied by three girls one summer when life guarding and then by a different group of girls when I was swimming. Both groups based on accounts from people we know in common, are still in the "cool girls" game. They refuse to speak to certain women and gossip about others...

And judging by Amanda's explanation of why she wouldn't do such a thing again, she also hasn't changed a BIT.   She doesn't associate with negative petty people, DON'TCHAKNOW?   I mean, that's why she'd never terrorize somebody again, because now she just avoids those negative people instead of wasting her time being an awful human being toward them.  Which pretty clearly implies that she thinks that 1. she didn't do much of anything wrong and 2. the author of this piece probably kinda deserved it.

[FloFTW]

Oct 1, 2014 7:16:30 GMT -5 wawa said:

Oct 1, 2014 6:55:53 GMT -5 asdfjkl said:

I'm one of those people who think that people don't really change. Not on some huge metamorphosis type scale. They just don't. I was bullied by three girls one summer when life guarding and then by a different group of girls when I was swimming. Both groups based on accounts from people we know in common, are still in the "cool girls" game. They refuse to speak to certain women and gossip about others...

And judging by Amanda's explanation of why she wouldn't do such a thing again, she also hasn't changed a BIT.   She doesn't associate with negative petty people, DON'TCHAKNOW?   I mean, that's why she'd never terrorize somebody again, because now she just avoids those negative people instead of wasting her time being an awful human being toward them.  Which pretty clearly implies that she thinks that 1. she didn't do much of anything wrong and 2. the author of this piece probably kinda deserved it.

Exactly. "I just don't hang out with losers that deserve to be bullied."

[cookiemdough]

I think the author would have been better served going through counseling. Her continued engagement with this woman after she lied about not remembering things seems unhealthy.

[wawa]

Oct 1, 2014 8:02:27 GMT -5 cookiemdough said:

I think the author would have been better served going through counseling. Her continued engagement with this woman after she lied about not remembering things seems unhealthy.

Her continued following of this women's life online is the part that screams "OMG counseling!" but I think her continued direct engagement with her was entirely for the sake of writing this piece.

[Alyssa]

"We were so close that she knew the answer to my security question, so it didn't matter if I changed my password."

See I don't get this. If someone knows the answer to a security question, just up and make a new account. Answer the question wrong but know the correct answer. For example, 'What is your mother's maiden name?' Answer the question with your grandmother's maiden name....simple.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see how you can allow a person to torture you through the internet without making some sly moves of your own. Don't take that shit, don't let someone have that type of power of you.

[catmt]

Oct 1, 2014 10:50:32 GMT -5 Alyssa said:

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see how you can allow a person to torture you through the internet without making some sly moves of your own. Don't take that shit, don't let someone have that type of power of you.

Good job victim blaming.  If it were that easy, no one would ever be bullied or abused.

She did address in the article why she didn't want to get a new account.  She didn't want her ex-friend to "win".

[taratru]

Oct 1, 2014 10:50:32 GMT -5 Alyssa said:

"We were so close that she knew the answer to my security question, so it didn't matter if I changed my password."

See I don't get this. If someone knows the answer to a security question, just up and make a new account. Answer the question wrong but know the correct answer. For example, 'What is your mother's maiden name?' Answer the question with your grandmother's maiden name....simple.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see how you can allow a person to torture you through the internet without making some sly moves of your own. Don't take that shit, don't let someone have that type of power of you.

Because teenagers don't think that way.  They just don't.  If they did, there wouldn't be any bullying in schools.

[downtoearth]

I read this and it's terrible that someone send e-mail reminders for suicide - really terrible. But I was not the nicest person in late middle/early high school and I don't remember the specifics. I have a terrible memory and my sisters have reminded me of terrible things I have said to them when we were young and I don't remember them. Maybe I was a selfish kid who thought she was "telling the truth," which was actually mean, but I don't remember these things and both sisters do.

If one of the girls who I stopped hanging out with came to me now and told me that I was a first-class bitch, I would probably agree with them and not know what else to say. I remember that I was mean at times and fiercely loyal to some friends at the mercy of others, but I don't remember everything I did or said. I know my best friend from high school remembers WAY more things we did/said than I do. A couple years ago she even brought up a big friend fight that we got into with two other girls where I drafted mean notes to the other two people to let them know they were "out of our group" and detailed the reasons why and I have about zero recollection of that. I remember falling out of friendship with them b/c they seemed to be posers/fake, but I don't remember detailing all the times they were "fake" in a back-and-forth-note event, as my BF remembers. My girlfriend from HS remembers this and felt bad, so I guess she reached out to both of them when we started facebooking to apologize for doing that.

This all paints me as very callous, but I honestly don't remember good or bad things from high school and especially middle school. Another example is that I live in my hometown again now and I ran into a guy at the brewery that we went to high school with and he started telling all these stories about me in class and how funny I was at something. It was sweet, but the thing is, I don't even remember his name or face, let alone that he was in several classes with me and would actually remember me challenging the teacher on some flawed representation of history.

Oh and a girl at the grocery store the other day said hi to me and started asking about my sisters and parents and knew where I went to college and that I was back in town and introduced me to her husband and talked about high school/middle school and I still can't tell you her name or that she looked familiar at all. I was lucky to get out of there without having to use her name and could just mumble things like, "It was good catching up with YOU, and meeting your family."

[orangeblossom]

Oct 1, 2014 10:50:32 GMT -5 Alyssa said:

"We were so close that she knew the answer to my security question, so it didn't matter if I changed my password."

See I don't get this. If someone knows the answer to a security question, just up and make a new account. Answer the question wrong but know the correct answer. For example, 'What is your mother's maiden name?' Answer the question with your grandmother's maiden name....simple.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see how you can allow a person to torture you through the internet without making some sly moves of your own. Don't take that shit, don't let someone have that type of power of you.

You do realize this happened over thirteen years ago, when security questions were VERY basic and not nearly as varied as they are now. Not to mention, if you're that close to someone it wouldn't be out of the realm of possibility that the knew grandmother's middle name.

That's nothing to say, of your victim blaming and how she should have done this, that and the third. One she was a child when it happened and two, just WTH. Is that what you say to every victim of bullying/abuse.

[wawa]

I wouldn't expect the assholes who were casually cruel to me in high/middle school to remember the specifics of what they did/said to me. I would expect anybody that did something as planned and targeted as deleting all my emails and sending suicide reminders to remember that shit...because that's not just a "oh, we didn't get along" type thing. That's some very specific and very fucked up shit.

[gault]

She absolutely remembers and probably got a high off of it. You don't forget shit like that.


I had a few bullies in elementary/middle school and had them come back later in adulthood to apologize to me. One even wrote a legit handwritten letter. The bullying that happened to me came nothing close to something like this. I kind of want to strangle Amanda and light her on fire.

[secretlyevil]

Both of these women need some legit help.

[emilyj]

Amanda sounds like a giant cunt, both then and now.

I was bullied pretty horribly in middle/high school. I don't know how to say this like I want to, but I think the author should drink a nice big cup of "Fuck them." I pretty much have no desire to confront anyone that bullied me. If I see them come up on FB, I don't stalk their page. I don't search the internet for them. I pretty much don't give one tiny rat's ass about any of them. Why continue to let these people have power over you?

From my perspective, what good is confronting them now going to do? I don't want to hear that they're sorry 15-20 years after the fact.

[pinkeggs]

I did an AMA once about being terribly bullied for several years and I identify with a lot of what she is saying. However, I would never contact that bitch now because it would STILL make me feel like she "won" after all these years. And frankly, I think it probably came off that way to this Amanda girl too. Like, "Wow, so many years later and this loser is still obsessing over me and out lost friendship", *hair flip*

I agree with the above post that people really don't change that much. At least not ones that are so cruel. They may mellow out and become more petty or snarky, but they're not going to be the sweet girl next door-type.

[stealthmom]

Oct 1, 2014 10:50:32 GMT -5 Alyssa said:

"We were so close that she knew the answer to my security question, so it didn't matter if I changed my password."

See I don't get this. If someone knows the answer to a security question, just up and make a new account. Answer the question wrong but know the correct answer. For example, 'What is your mother's maiden name?' Answer the question with your grandmother's maiden name....simple.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't see how you can allow a person to torture you through the internet without making some sly moves of your own. Don't take that shit, don't let someone have that type of power of you.

ooooooooohhhh so she allowed the other girl to bully her? So it wouldn't have happened without getting permission or some shit?

Yeah, you're wrong.

[origami]

Amanda is an asshole for not owning up to what she did. You can't even type what you did in a PM? You suck. I agree she hasn't changed. It would actually horrify me more if she was capable of forgetting that she repeatedly told a friend to kill herself. But I don't believe that.

I knew someone like her. Thank goodness it was before the time of the Internet. I knew her in HS when she was a pathological liar and bully. I met her again years later in our mid-twenties. She was exactly the same. I wonder now if she manages to have any friends at all. I can't imagine someone in their late 30s-40s being able to maintain close relationships with women while being such drama whoring life sucking liars. Does anyone have any stories of what these catty bitch bullies are like when they're old enough to have kids in HS? Just curious.

[Michelle]

Oct 1, 2014 15:39:45 GMT -5 emilyj said:

Amanda sounds like a giant cunt, both then and now.

I was bullied pretty horribly in middle/high school. I don't know how to say this like I want to, but I think the author should drink a nice big cup of "Fuck them." I pretty much have no desire to confront anyone that bullied me. If I see them come up on FB, I don't stalk their page. I don't search the internet for them. I pretty much don't give one tiny rat's ass about any of them. Why continue to let these people have power over you?

From my perspective, what good is confronting them now going to do? I don't want to hear that they're sorry 15-20 years after the fact.

what if they reached out to you?

There was a girl who was bullied by my close friend in middle and high school. I came across her on FB, friended her and then after some time of reconnecting I apologized to her for not being of stronger character to stand up for her when I knew how she was being treated was wrong.she had been nice to me when I first got to the school but I was sought out by the popular girl and went with it, quietly distancing myself from the bullied girl. I delighted in revenge she took on my friend and cheered her on in the background.

She said she never really associated me with my friend's behavior but appreciated greatly that I wish I would have done something differently. But she forgave me.

[wawa]

Oct 2, 2014 6:00:19 GMT -5 origami said:

Amanda is an asshole for not owning up to what she did. You can't even type what you did in a PM? You suck. I agree she hasn't changed. It would actually horrify me more if she was capable of forgetting that she repeatedly told a friend to kill herself. But I don't believe that.

I knew someone like her. Thank goodness it was before the time of the Internet. I knew her in HS when she was a pathological liar and bully. I met her again years later in our mid-twenties. She was exactly the same. I wonder now if she manages to have any friends at all. I can't imagine someone in their late 30s-40s being able to maintain close relationships with women while being such drama whoring life sucking liars. Does anyone have any stories of what these catty bitch bullies are like when they're old enough to have kids in HS? Just curious.

I'm pretty sure these are the people who grow up to be the moms that do shit like this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wanda_Holloway

I mean...usually less extreme.  But you hear stories about moms spreading rumours about girls that "wronged" their daughters and shit...those women are the bitches like Amanda.   My husband dated the daughter of one of these people in high school.  When they broke up the mom told all the other moms in the choral group (MH both sang and was the sound guy so he spent a lot of time with these people) that he was just generally a terrible person and implied more. 

She also instigated weird drama about who was signing which parts and spread ridiculous rumors and just said shitty things to people all in this fake nicey nice way.  Like asking all "concerned" whether one of the bigger girls was going to be able to fit in her costume.

Yup.  Grown woman.  Making 17 year old girls cry.

I had a friend who's mom was one of these bitches in grade school.  The news that my mom was gay was just starting to filter through the school, and this bitch made it her personal mission to destroy my birthday party when I was...11?  maybe?  by calling all the parents and asking them if they were REALLY comfortable with their DAUGHTERS sleeping over at a house with a LESBIAN.  I ended up having a sleepover with just one friend, who's mom told her to fuck right off.

[IIOY]

Oct 2, 2014 7:36:57 GMT -5 wawa said:

Oct 2, 2014 6:00:19 GMT -5 origami said:

Amanda is an asshole for not owning up to what she did. You can't even type what you did in a PM? You suck. I agree she hasn't changed. It would actually horrify me more if she was capable of forgetting that she repeatedly told a friend to kill herself. But I don't believe that.

I knew someone like her. Thank goodness it was before the time of the Internet. I knew her in HS when she was a pathological liar and bully. I met her again years later in our mid-twenties. She was exactly the same. I wonder now if she manages to have any friends at all. I can't imagine someone in their late 30s-40s being able to maintain close relationships with women while being such drama whoring life sucking liars. Does anyone have any stories of what these catty bitch bullies are like when they're old enough to have kids in HS? Just curious.

I'm pretty sure these are the people who grow up to be the moms that do shit like this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wanda_Holloway

Absolutely.  You can tell early on who is going to be like this, too.  My older child is merely 8, but when dealing with the parents at school, I can already tell who is going to be trouble.  Frankly, you can see it in their children's behavior, too, which brings us back to my hate boner for certain other parents.

[emilyj]

Oct 2, 2014 6:49:59 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Oct 1, 2014 15:39:45 GMT -5 emilyj said:

Amanda sounds like a giant cunt, both then and now.

I was bullied pretty horribly in middle/high school. I don't know how to say this like I want to, but I think the author should drink a nice big cup of "Fuck them." I pretty much have no desire to confront anyone that bullied me. If I see them come up on FB, I don't stalk their page. I don't search the internet for them. I pretty much don't give one tiny rat's ass about any of them. Why continue to let these people have power over you?

From my perspective, what good is confronting them now going to do? I don't want to hear that they're sorry 15-20 years after the fact.

what if they reached out to you?

There was a girl who was bullied by my close friend in middle and high school. I came across her on FB, friended her and then after some time of reconnecting I apologized to her for not being of stronger character to stand up for her when I knew how she was being treated was wrong.she had been nice to me when I first got to the school but I was sought out by the popular girl and went with it, quietly distancing myself from the bullied girl. I delighted in revenge she took on my friend and cheered her on in the background.

She said she never really associated me with my friend's behavior but appreciated greatly that I wish I would have done something differently. But she forgave me.

Maybe at a different point in my life, I would have appreciated it, but at this point?  Meh.  I'd probably thank them, but if they have kids, I'd ask them to look at it from a parents perspective - how would they feel if their kid was being put through the hell they intentionally put me (and others) through?      

[Michelle]

Oct 2, 2014 7:57:33 GMT -5 emilyj said:

Oct 2, 2014 6:49:59 GMT -5 Michelle said:

what if they reached out to you?

There was a girl who was bullied by my close friend in middle and high school. I came across her on FB, friended her and then after some time of reconnecting I apologized to her for not being of stronger character to stand up for her when I knew how she was being treated was wrong.she had been nice to me when I first got to the school but I was sought out by the popular girl and went with it, quietly distancing myself from the bullied girl. I delighted in revenge she took on my friend and cheered her on in the background.

She said she never really associated me with my friend's behavior but appreciated greatly that I wish I would have done something differently. But she forgave me.

Maybe at a different point in my life, I would have appreciated it, but at this point?  Meh.  I'd probably thank them, but if they have kids, I'd ask them to look at it from a parents perspective - how would they feel if their kid was being put through the hell they intentionally put me (and others) through?      

if they were the bully that would probably be what prompted them to apologize in the first place. I always felt like a wimp and asshole and wanted to apologize to the person I watched being bullied. But it got even worse imagining that my daughter would not have someone stand up for her if she was bullied.

[origami]

Oct 2, 2014 7:36:57 GMT -5 wawa said:

Oct 2, 2014 6:00:19 GMT -5 origami said:

Amanda is an asshole for not owning up to what she did. You can't even type what you did in a PM? You suck. I agree she hasn't changed. It would actually horrify me more if she was capable of forgetting that she repeatedly told a friend to kill herself. But I don't believe that.

I knew someone like her. Thank goodness it was before the time of the Internet. I knew her in HS when she was a pathological liar and bully. I met her again years later in our mid-twenties. She was exactly the same. I wonder now if she manages to have any friends at all. I can't imagine someone in their late 30s-40s being able to maintain close relationships with women while being such drama whoring life sucking liars. Does anyone have any stories of what these catty bitch bullies are like when they're old enough to have kids in HS? Just curious.

I'm pretty sure these are the people who grow up to be the moms that do shit like this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wanda_Holloway

I mean...usually less extreme.  But you hear stories about moms spreading rumours about girls that "wronged" their daughters and shit...those women are the bitches like Amanda.   My husband dated the daughter of one of these people in high school.  When they broke up the mom told all the other moms in the choral group (MH both sang and was the sound guy so he spent a lot of time with these people) that he was just generally a terrible person and implied more. 

She also instigated weird drama about who was signing which parts and spread ridiculous rumors and just said shitty things to people all in this fake nicey nice way.  Like asking all "concerned" whether one of the bigger girls was going to be able to fit in her costume.

Yup.  Grown woman.  Making 17 year old girls cry.

I had a friend who's mom was one of these bitches in grade school.  The news that my mom was gay was just starting to filter through the school, and this bitch made it her personal mission to destroy my birthday party when I was...11?  maybe?  by calling all the parents and asking them if they were REALLY comfortable with their DAUGHTERS sleeping over at a house with a LESBIAN.  I ended up having a sleepover with just one friend, who's mom told her to fuck right off.

My phone is about to die so please imagine a gif of one girl punching an older woman in the face.

I'm sorry. And unfortunately I'm guessing that is how these bitches grow up.