On the days that I drive the middle school carpool, I purposely choose a route that takes us past a huge river. Some mornings, the water looks like glass; others, it reflects the moody clouds above with choppy waves – either way, it’s gorgeous. Every time we drive past it, I point it out to my car full of 12-year-olds: “Look at the water today. Isn’t it beautiful?” No one in the car looks up. They are all looking down at their phones, playing games with each other, texting a friend or watching a YouTube video. Sometimes, if I am lucky, I will get a mercy grunt out of one or two of them in reply.
It struck me recently, after one of my quiet carpool rides, that my generation of parents – we of the soon-to-be or recently 40 year old Gen X variety, the former latchkey children of the Cold War and an MTV that actually played videos, former Atari-owners who were raised by the the Cosby Show and John Hughes, graduated high school with the kids from 90210, then lumbered through our 20s with Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey and flip phones – is perhaps the last to straddle a life experience both with and without the Internet and all its social media marvels. After all, I didn’t even learn to use e-mail until I was 19 and a sophomore in college in 1993, and only for a slightly cringe-worthy reason: a cute boy at another college asked me to e-mail him.
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents.
My mother, a Baby Boomer, gripes regularly that my friends and I “put everything on The Facebook,” and though she and my grandparents both have accounts, they don’t really use them. My parents still receive a paper newspaper, still read books in hardback, and only relatively recently became comfortable with texting. My children show them how to use their iPhones, and I set up their iTunes accounts for them.
On the flip side, the Internet seems intuitive to my children, who can make PowerPoint presentations as good as any professional, use Google when they are stuck on their math homework, and spend as many hours as I will let them watching YouTube videos of other people playing Minecraft, an activity I just cannot understand no matter how hard I try.
I am very much standing in the middle between my parents and my children when it comes to technology, one foot dipped in the waters of Instagram and Twitter and the other still stuck in the luddite mud of “In my day, we passed paper notes in class, sent real letters to penpals, and talked to each other’s faces!” When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, and my parenting models all came from that era.
So even though I also understand the powerful draw of the World Wide Web and social media and I participate in it enthusiastically, it scares me when it comes to my children and how it will mold and change their experience from mine. Will my children ever have their own awkward but poignant, John Hughes-worthy moments when teenagers today can have entire relationships over text messages? Would the kids in The Breakfast Club even talk to each other if they found themselves in a Saturday morning detention today, or would they spend all their time on their phones, texting their friends and tweeting about how lame it was and never actually make eye contact with one another? Would anyone today even believe that Seinfeld and friends would spend that much time talking to each other out loud about nothing?
I wrestle with demons far less First World Problematic than that of technology with my children, but I must admit that in its category, technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced, right up there with infant sleep and potty training in terms of the feelings of desperation and hopelessness it can inspire at times.
On the one hand, resistance is futile: this is my children’s brave new world, and they need to know and understand all the internet highways and byways to live in it. On the other hand, my children don’t have fully-developed frontal lobes yet. I have spent a lot of time beating myself up for letting them have screens or devices, or for afternoons when I didn’t have it in me to fight the mystifying addiction to Minecraft that all of my children have acquired. The question of managing screen time and who is on what screen and how to protect those in front of the screens from things they might not un-see or un-hear is a constant, exhausting issue that frankly makes me want to go full-on Amish on all of them and throw every last blinking screen away.
But I try to be reasonable, even though I feel like I am parenting in the dark most of the time. So my husband and I set limits and negotiate them. We allow for Minecraft, because someone somewhere said it might be “good for them,” and we debate how old is old enough to have a smartphone. We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints. We beg them not to send naked pictures of themselves to anyone, for the love of Mike. And, at the end of the day, we pray to the powers of this ridiculous universe – Zuckerberg? Gates? – that our children won’t stumble too hard or fall too far when they inevitably trip into an Internet pothole. We wonder what a high-tech childhood will mean for our little people: will they know how to go on a first date without checking in on Facebook or posting a picture of their food on Instagram? Will it matter?
My children might never understand why I talk about the river on our morning drives, but I have decided to be gentle with myself and with them on this issue – to be okay not knowing exactly how to handle it. The truth is, my generation of parents are pioneers here, like it or not. We’re the last of the Mohicans. We can try as hard as we want to push back and to carve space into our children’s lives for treehouses and puzzles and Waldorf-style dolls, but in the end, our children will grow up with the whole world at their fingertips, courtesy of a touch screen, and they will have to learn how to find the balance between their cyber and real worlds. It is scary. I don’t think I even believe there is a “right way” to parent with technology. But acknowledging that what we are doing is unprecedented – that no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people – feels like an exhale of sorts.
I’ll keep pointing out the view, and I will hope that my children will be encouraged to look up. Maybe someday they will be moved to point it out to their own children too.
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
I'm with you. One of my research interests is in studying how reading strategies have changed with technology, but I also just want to say, if parents don't like their kids' attachment to technology, don't give them any!
1) Take your kids devices away. Period. Full stop. FFS, be a goddamned parent
2) Holy fuck, this paragraph right here is fucking ridiculous and so completely stereotypical of the worst of Gen X behavior:
Will my children ever have their own awkward but poignant, John Hughes-worthy moments when teenagers today can have entire relationships over text messages? Would the kids in The Breakfast Club even talk to each other if they found themselves in a Saturday morning detention today, or would they spend all their time on their phones, texting their friends and tweeting about how lame it was and never actually make eye contact with one another? Would anyone today even believe that Seinfeld and friends would spend that much time talking to each other out loud about nothing?
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
I'm with you. One of my research interests is in studying how reading strategies have changed with technology, but I also just want to say, if parents don't like their kids' attachment to technology, don't give them any!
I have spoken with our administrators about this issue and they say they have seen a huge uptick in the number of Kindergartners who lack manual dexterity and really struggle with holding a pencil and learning to write. I've read this is a common phenomenon thanks to little ones spending so much time on devices rather than engaging in more traditional play that requires greater dexterity.
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
Yeah, I am really over parents complaining about shit they could change if they wanted to.
"My kid plays too many video games!"
Snatch the cords and make your kid earn game time. This isn't hard.
1) Take your kids devices away. Period. Full stop. FFS, be a goddamned parent
2) Holy fuck, this paragraph right here is fucking ridiculous and so completely stereotypical of the worst of Gen X behavior:
Will my children ever have their own awkward but poignant, John Hughes-worthy moments when teenagers today can have entire relationships over text messages? Would the kids in The Breakfast Club even talk to each other if they found themselves in a Saturday morning detention today, or would they spend all their time on their phones, texting their friends and tweeting about how lame it was and never actually make eye contact with one another? Would anyone today even believe that Seinfeld and friends would spend that much time talking to each other out loud about nothing?
How has a child who has managed to earn Saturday suspension STILL in possession of their fucking phone in the first damned place? Oh hell no. The schools have phones. I will pick you up when suspension is over. If the school needs me before then, they have my number.
Well, in fairness, she does say she tries to limit technology use.
I don't think it's as simple as "if you don't like it, don't let them have it." First of all, that's much easier said than done. I'm sure it's a small minority of parents who haven't handed over their phones in a moment of desperation when their toddler is having an epic meltdown in a public place. And if you judge that, you probably don't have kids yet.
Anyway, we're talking about older kids here. Like it or not, technology is a part of life. It's EVERYWHERE, embedded in our culture. My 3 year old has been in a computer class at preschool for over a year already. When she's a preteen, she will likely have her own phone, her own computer for homework and probably a social media presence that I will only be able to monitor at arm's length. The proverbial hiding the diary under a mattress so your parents can't find it.
It's like sex education. It may make us uncomfortable. We might pine for a more innocent time (even though we know we were not so innocent ourselves). But we also need to be realists and give our children the tools to navigate this world even when we're not there looking over their shoulders. Simply saying "you can't have this!" isn't a workable solution.
Well, in fairness, she does say she tries to limit technology use.
I don't think it's as simple as "if you don't like it, don't let them have it." First of all, that's much easier said than done. I'm sure it's a small minority of parents who haven't handed over their phones in a moment of desperation when their toddler is having an epic meltdown in a public place. And if you judge that, you probably don't have kids yet.
Anyway, we're talking about older kids here. Like it or not, technology is a part of life. It's EVERYWHERE, embedded in our culture. My 3 year old has been in a computer class at preschool for over a year already. When she's a preteen, she will likely have her own phone, her own computer for homework and probably a social media presence that I will only be able to monitor at arm's length. The proverbial hiding the diary under a mattress so your parents can't find it.
It's like sex education. It may make us uncomfortable. We might pine for a more innocent time (even though we know we were not so innocent ourselves). But we also need to be realists and give our children the tools to navigate this world even when we're not there looking over their shoulders. Simply saying "you can't have this!" isn't a workable solution.
So basically you have already given up on being the parent in this situation.
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
I'm with you. One of my research interests is in studying how reading strategies have changed with technology, but I also just want to say, if parents don't like their kids' attachment to technology, don't give them any!
Or just set reasonable limits. DD loves the iPad, she watches videos, does letter and number games, etc I'm fine with it in moderation and she has learned a lot from it (in her most recent testing she is reading basic sight words which I certainly have not taught her) but I limit her access. Did she have a complete melt down (one of her rare ASD melt downs) the first time I said all done and took it away yep, but now it's just the way it goes she knows when the timer goes off the iPad goes away and she moves on to another activity.
Well, in fairness, she does say she tries to limit technology use.
I don't think it's as simple as "if you don't like it, don't let them have it." First of all, that's much easier said than done. I'm sure it's a small minority of parents who haven't handed over their phones in a moment of desperation when their toddler is having an epic meltdown in a public place. And if you judge that, you probably don't have kids yet.
Anyway, we're talking about older kids here. Like it or not, technology is a part of life. It's EVERYWHERE, embedded in our culture. My 3 year old has been in a computer class at preschool for over a year already. When she's a preteen, she will likely have her own phone, her own computer for homework and probably a social media presence that I will only be able to monitor at arm's length. The proverbial hiding the diary under a mattress so your parents can't find it.
It's like sex education. It may make us uncomfortable. We might pine for a more innocent time (even though we know we were not so innocent ourselves). But we also need to be realists and give our children the tools to navigate this world even when we're not there looking over their shoulders. Simply saying "you can't have this!" isn't a workable solution.
So basically you have already given up on being the parent in this situation.
I vehemently disagree. Being a parent means teaching about RESPONSIBLE technology use.
can i talk about the stupid fucking amazon kindle fire HD or whatever the fuck it is? the commercial with the live help from the girl with red/purple hair, that tells the uncle that the thing comes with a timer so YOU dont have to tell YOUR KID that their time is up on the ipad?
I use a timer like this on the iPad for DD. It makes it way easier because it removes the option of arguing over it for my literal kid the device saying 'times up' just means it's up it makes things far easier because there is no I'm going to argue to argue. I imagine it's good for pre-teens who may be playing/reading on it before bed so Mom/Dad can say good night and go about their business without having to supervise.
Well, in fairness, she does say she tries to limit technology use.
I don't think it's as simple as "if you don't like it, don't let them have it." First of all, that's much easier said than done. I'm sure it's a small minority of parents who haven't handed over their phones in a moment of desperation when their toddler is having an epic meltdown in a public place. And if you judge that, you probably don't have kids yet.
Anyway, we're talking about older kids here. Like it or not, technology is a part of life. It's EVERYWHERE, embedded in our culture. My 3 year old has been in a computer class at preschool for over a year already. When she's a preteen, she will likely have her own phone, her own computer for homework and probably a social media presence that I will only be able to monitor at arm's length. The proverbial hiding the diary under a mattress so your parents can't find it.
It's like sex education. It may make us uncomfortable. We might pine for a more innocent time (even though we know we were not so innocent ourselves). But we also need to be realists and give our children the tools to navigate this world even when we're not there looking over their shoulders. Simply saying "you can't have this!" isn't a workable solution.
No. It is that simple and there is very little comparison to shutting up your three year old and expecting your 12 year old to put down the cellphone.
If it's like sex education, then this is the difference between those of us who are saying we teach our kids to be save while expecting them to wait while you say that 14 year olds are going to have sex so we shouldn't bother monitoring their interactions, alone time, or checking who they are spending time with.
My son is 12. He plays minecraft for two hours a week if he did all of his homework and got his shit done. If he needs to do something for school, he can sit here on the computer and do it. But when it's done, he finds other things to do.
Argue with me about when your ipad time is up and see when you get that ipad back. Just try and play me.
That being said, yeah, I like the timer because I hate repeating myself. Also, it should not be on me to recall how long you've been on the sucker and I'm tired of hearing you say you didn't realize how long you were on there. Now you have a timer and I shouldn't have to hear excuses.
Can you guys imagine our parents being this angsty over our tv watching?
I don't know about anyone else, but my folks were like "Here are the rules: you can only watch tv when your homework is completely done and you eat a good dinner. You don't either of those things, no tv. Go read a book. If you give me SHIT about the established rules, you go straight to bed." None of this negotiation bullshit or hand wringing.
Can you guys imagine our parents being this angsty over our tv watching?
I don't know about anyone else, but my folks were like "Here are the rules: you can only watch tv when your homework is completely done and you eat a good dinner. You don't either of those things, no tv. Go read a book. If you give me SHIT about the established rules, you go straight to bed." None of this negotiation bullshit or hand wringing.
This is what we do with B. It works wonderfully.
When my brothers were grounded, my mother would take the tv cords or the cable box to work with her. No tv for any of us, even the ungrounded one. Just try her.
Can you guys imagine our parents being this angsty over our tv watching?
I don't know about anyone else, but my folks were like "Here are the rules: you can only watch tv when your homework is completely done and you eat a good dinner. You don't either of those things, no tv. Go read a book. If you give me SHIT about the established rules, you go straight to bed." None of this negotiation bullshit or hand wringing.
This is what we do with B. It works wonderfully.
Exactly! Plus, we had Atari and then Nintendo. There were limits set. Kids can still learn how to use technology without being given full access.
Well, in fairness, she does say she tries to limit technology use.
I don't think it's as simple as "if you don't like it, don't let them have it." First of all, that's much easier said than done. I'm sure it's a small minority of parents who haven't handed over their phones in a moment of desperation when their toddler is having an epic meltdown in a public place. And if you judge that, you probably don't have kids yet.
Anyway, we're talking about older kids here. Like it or not, technology is a part of life. It's EVERYWHERE, embedded in our culture. My 3 year old has been in a computer class at preschool for over a year already. When she's a preteen, she will likely have her own phone, her own computer for homework and probably a social media presence that I will only be able to monitor at arm's length. The proverbial hiding the diary under a mattress so your parents can't find it.
It's like sex education. It may make us uncomfortable. We might pine for a more innocent time (even though we know we were not so innocent ourselves). But we also need to be realists and give our children the tools to navigate this world even when we're not there looking over their shoulders. Simply saying "you can't have this!" isn't a workable solution.
You can't hand you toddler the phone to shut them up and then complain that they're playing with the phone. That's stupid.
I am of two minds on this piece. On one hand, I understand the point about wondering how constant attachment to devices is going to shape kids' development.
OTOH, the entire time I was reading this piece, part of my brain was screaming, "You are the damn parent, act like one and shut down device use!" If she doesn't like the fact that her kids are busy on their phones while in the car rather than looking out the window, tell them they can't use their phones in the car. This isn't rocket science. ETA: And really, this brings me back to my frustration with my generation of parents, so there you go.
I'm right here.
I was born in the weird no man’s land between Gen X and Millenial (1978) and I feel very comfortable with techonology, but have no problem recalling the days of my childhood with no cable, no remote, rotary phones etc.
I think like all major shifts in society, the parents of young children lament about “the old days”. I’m not sure the uncertainty about raising kids in a world different than the one you grew up in is anything new at all.
In a 2012 article for the Joint Center for Housing Studies of Harvard University, George Masnick wrote that the "Census counted 82.1 million" Gen Xers in the U.S. The Harvard Center uses 1965 to 1984 to define Gen X so that Boomers, Xers and Millennials "cover equal 20-year age spans"
Read the Millennial one next.
Basically people born between 1980-1985 are this weirdo generation...of amazingly great well-rounded people.