feeling friendless

[Deleted]

I'll start off by saying that between work, life, J, family I'm not lonesome...but I do sometimes miss my friends of the past--as in what used to be.  The feelings brought up tonight are thanks to FB. 99% of my friends have small children/babies.  

One very good friend (E) moved about 2 hrs away and has a 11 m/o.  I never see her anymore.  One of our mutual friends from college just put up pics from her kids bday and of course E was there as well as about 5 other mutual friends and their kids.  Ok, so it's a kids bday--not my thing to go to because, well, I don't have kids.  But I don't ever get included in anything anymore.  I Feel like because I'm not married and don't have kids things just changed.  I got pushed to the side. I feel sort of hurt and angry and sad all at the same time.  I don't "fit in".  
at this point I guess what's done is done...but it is still shitty.  Anyone go through anything similar?  

[mcc]

Have you reached out to them? Just because you don't have kids doesn't mean you can't hang out

[Deleted]

I have plenty of friends with kids that I'm still actively a part of. At this age friendships take work. Do you make an effort to call them? Visit? Ask them to come visit?

[Deleted]

I reached out in the beginning when she moved before she was pg and we got together once.  I saw her at a mutual friends party when she was pregnant. I somehow did not get an invite to her baby shower (she blamed her mother) and was crushed when I saw pics because everyone else was there.  After she had the baby, I reached out and plans never materialized.  So I gave up.  I guess we both did. I've never met her daughter.  
Once she moved to her H's town, she became close with his family and friends.  It happens, but I just kinda give up at this point.  Doesn't mean I'm not hurt. 

I know lives change people change and blah blah blah...it just sucks when you're not part of the crew anymore because things in your life didn't go exactly the same as theirs.  I guess I'm feeling a little sensitive.  

[cuddlyevil]

Then maybe it's time you start expanding your circle of friends?

That's what has really helped me, finding people I like to hang out with and who like/want to hang out with me.

[Deleted]

Lol at some of these responses lacking empathy! I think how you feel is legitimate and I understand

My life is a bit different because I haven't really had a set group of friends since college, and those friends (and I) moved away from each other so nobody is hanging out without me. But I do miss having close relationships with people like I did when I was younger. I feel like as an adult friendships are just different, and although I have no interest in hanging out with friends on a daily basis, I miss the emotional intimacy that came with having girlfriends you were THAT close to. I also haven't met anyone here (where I've lived for the last 6 years) that I even wanted to be that close to. Well, other than 1 girl that I'm no longer friends with (long story).

I am lucky that most of my close friends don't have kids, so it's not really a kid thing or a marriage thing that makes me feel left out. I do sometimes feel left behind by society because the majority of the people I work with, who post stuff on fb, are on GBCN, etc are married with kids and I do feel like it separates me from becoming closer friends with them since our lives are so different and we can't relate. I feel that way with my sister right now, actually.

Anyway I do think it's a part (though a tough part) of being an adult. I bet most of your friends who still hang out don't feel as close anymore either and they may also mourn the old days when it was a given that the crew would be doing something on the weekend.

[Deleted]

Also (since apparently I'm typing novels today, sorry) I miss having a GROUP of friends. That's a big difference between now and when I was younger... it's a lot more work to plan things with different individuals and much of the time I just don't bother. When I had a GROUP of friends, it was easy to get everyone together and a lot of fun to have multiple people around. That's my biggest nostalgia at this point, I think.

[stephreloaded]

I would feel pretty hurt too and I totally understand the feeling.

Unfortunately, I lost most of my friends here while I was living in the US so when I came back I only had my BFF and she and I are in different places and don't talk to often so I am pretty friend-less too.

I don't think I would try any harder than you have. It was pretty shitty of her to not at least invite you to the Bday party.

[starburst604]

Hugs. It's tough. I'm going through a new phase of my life and finding that the friendship dynamics are changing.

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2014 18:17:31 GMT -5 @stpete said:

I don't mean to lack empathy but it depends how much the relationship matters to you. For a good friend I would send an honest message, "I miss you. I can come visit x day at x time or x day at x time. I would love to meet the baby and hear how you are doing."

If it's not worth doing that than it's a wash and look for other friends. I know it's hard to find people we connect with, which is why I give people I love extra chances when life changes come between us. I wish you luck working out whatever is best.

I didn't take it that way.  I miss the friendship we had, but I think it's day may have passed (unfortunately)

[Deleted]

@buckybells, thanks.  I do think you hit on something when you mention the nostalgia of hanging out in a group where everyone was around and it didn't really take much work.  I miss those days.  And lack of things in common are a major reason that it's difficult to maintain old friendships or create new ones.  I feel like when we were in college we were all the same.  Now...not so much.  Being an adult is hard, yo. 

[Deleted]

Sometimes I think that if I met some of my friends for the first time now (in this stage of life) we wouldn't have even become friends.  Meh...

[Deleted]

You know how everyone says relationships take work? I feel like that isn't exclusive to romantic ones. If your friendships are only sustained through getting together in a group setting or not making a real effort then are they really that important to you? I have had friends who were single when I was married who now have two kids who and are married while I'm single. Life circumstance can make it hard to actually see them, but we both make an effort to connect. Sending a text or chatting on IM while she's breast feeding and I'm working. Honestly this whole thread rubs me the wrong way with the lack of effort people want to put in, and then get annoyed when they don't get included.

But I also value my friends highly. They are my chosen family and I make a concerted effort to communicate with them and plan activities for us. Sure I've lost and gained friends along the way because we grew apart. It doesn't make sense to force a relationship. But if it's someone I love having in my life, there is always space and time for them. I mean I spend enough time lounging around on my couch that it's pretty sad if I can't find 2 seconds to send a check in text.

I might be really passionate about this issue.

[Deleted]

Oct 17, 2014 19:29:39 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

You know how everyone says relationships take work? I feel like that isn't exclusive to romantic ones. If your friendships are only sustained through getting together in a group setting or not making a real effort then are they really that important to you? I have had friends who were single when I was married who now have two kids who and are married while I'm single. Life circumstance can make it hard to actually see them, but we both make an effort to connect. Sending a text or chatting on IM while she's breast feeding and I'm working. Honestly this whole thread rubs me the wrong way with the lack of effort people want to put in, and then get annoyed when they don't get included.

But I also value my friends highly. They are my chosen family and I make a concerted effort to communicate with them and plan activities for us. Sure I've lost and gained friends along the way because we grew apart. It doesn't make sense to force a relationship. But if it's someone I love having in my life, there is always space and time for them. I mean I spend enough time lounging around on my couch that it's pretty sad if I can't find 2 seconds to send a check in text.

I might be really passionate about this issue.

I'm not sure that I lacked effort.  I've tried, but can't force it because friendship is a two way street. 

[Deleted]

blueyes my comment wasn't directed at you necessarily but you mention you miss the days when you could hang out without much effort. Thus that's what I inferred. This may have ran it's course. But friendship when someone has a baby especially under 1 isn't going to be equal. I had to make a larger efforts for those friends because things are hard. It evens out eventually.

[onedayatatime]

@blueyes623 - I have been struggling with this same issue with one of my close friends and understand how you feel. Sometimes you do need to see some effort back - it is a two way street.

She has had 2 kids in the past two years and I totally get that she is super busy. She came back to work part-time between the kids and then is planning to return to work next month part-time. Because she works part-time, she won't take lunch or coffee breaks for talking - so the only chances are outside of work.

I feel that I put in effort to invite her to things or call and see how she is. I suggest hanging out and have gone over to her place a couple times in the past year. But she never contacts first and doesn't offer her place as a place to go. Since I know she is very busy - I feel bad sometimes always being the one to call. Plus, the last few times we have made plans 1) to visit another friend who had a baby 2) to watch the movie divergent ... her husband has called her back home because he wanted to go for a run and because he made dinner and she was expected to come home. It drives me crazy that she isn't "allowed" 3 hours of the house - or that she doesn't tell him no, she is out with friends for the first time in a month.

I think all you can do is keep trying to make more friends and expand the network - while continuing to put out feelers with old friends. Hugs.