Post by hungrycaterpillar on Oct 17, 2014 9:50:58 GMT -5
It may be because I'm so freshly divorced, but I feel like looking up and reading the divorce papers is excessive. It was just such a private time for me and I've only spoken about it with those closest to me. I especially wouldn't want someone that I'd only been on 3 dates with reading it.
I think a quick name google is okay to make sure there aren't any major news stories associated with the person, but that's about it.
It may be because I'm so freshly divorced, but I feel like looking up and reading the divorce papers is excessive. It was just such a private time for me and I've only spoken about it with those closest to me. I especially wouldn't want someone that I'd only been on 3 dates with reading it.
I think a quick name google is okay to make sure there aren't any major news stories associated with the person, but that's about it.
:::sits next to HC:::
This is where I'm at. I would often do a quick google search to ensure the person wasn't a rapist, etc. But making plans to FB friend someone, reading their divorce papers or driving by their house is a bit nutter to me.
I am a firm believer in doing a little background on potential dates. Typically, I do it before I met them. My "stalking" includes doing a criminal records check (my state has it all on a public site), FB search and a quick google search.
By doing this, I've managed to avoid going out with guys who have multiple domestics, drug issues, DOC numbers and have been found "not guilty by reason of mental defect" after being charged with killing animals.
I Google my dates and will look them up on facebook if I can. But that's it.
If I have a feeling of distrust and it's not something that can be resolved by talking it out with him, then I'm not going to pursue the relationship. I don't have time for that!
I don't always google someone but definitely do if something seems off. I've even read divorce papers before that I found online (and what I read was INSANE! so I am so glad I read it. The short version of it was she was claiming fraud b/c he lied about a lot of stuff before they got married, mostly about his financial position and even gave her a fake ring) The craziest thing I found out was that a guy was a registered sex offender.
I think anything found on the internet is fair game. I am aware of and expect that someone could look up my stuff, and I feel like I have nothing to hide. Would I rather them ask me directly? Sure. But I wouldn't be offended if someone investigated me a bit before determining if they want to be further invested in me. I'd actually be more surprised if someone DIDN'T.
Personally - I found my BF's facebook and tried googling him when we first met. His facebook is set to private and he doesn't use it much, and he has a common-ish name, so I found exactly nothing. I have googled his ex gf and stalked some of his fb friends, lol. I also did look at his phone a few months into the relationship (which he knows about, since I felt bad and confessed).
Honestly - I think this world we live in today has messed us up regarding this stuff. My BF is actually relatively anonymous on the internet and while he's happy to share things when asked, his lack of facebook and online presence used to drive me nuts because I want to know EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYONE since I generally can do that with my other friends via facebook. I mean I'm exaggerating about wanting to know everything, but to this day I have not seen many pictures of BF before I met him (since he doesn't have many printed and nothing on FB!) and that makes me both sad and curious because I just want to know stuff. I wonder if I would have felt that way 10 years ago, before it was "normal" for everyone to have their history in photographs readily available for anyone they become facebook friends with.
Post by jellymankelly on Oct 17, 2014 10:08:48 GMT -5
I'm a pretty serious Googler, and will look for things like criminal charges, but I would hate it if anyone went as far as to look up my divorce decree and settlement. My BF and I have been together 15 months, we talk about EVERYTHING, and he has no idea what the financial agreement between XH and me looks like. He's asked in vague terms about my house and the mortgage payment as I've discussed selling it, but beyond that, he has no idea.
I had a 'thing' going with a family law atty a couple of years ago...it makes me wonder if he's ever dug into my personal business like that.
Post by DirtySouth on Oct 17, 2014 10:17:54 GMT -5
I google and look at facebook. I think that anything that a person posts publicly online for the world to see is fair game. I've cancelled a number of dates after finding mugshots or other crazy things. For example, I found that one guy was posting comments on youtube videos daring cute pre-teen girls to choke each other until they pass out and to post a video. WTF. And I also cancelled a date with this guy. sportsagentblog.com/2009/03/27/andrew-moss-criminal-minded/ Another guy was posting all over message boards about pornography, being a fan of so and so porn star, what films he likes, blah blah. He has a professional job and the lack of judgment about using his real name to post a bunch of stuff publicly about porn made me cancel the first date.
This is the first time I've found something that prompted me to put a bit of effort into seeing a public record. I think there are tons and tons of liars and bad people out there, and I don't want to waste my time on them.
I think if you're suspicious enough to look up the man's personal divorce paperwork after three dates, you shouldn't be dating him.
Or, rather, HE shouldn't be dating YOU.
I think if you jump straight to looking up divorce paperwork, you're nuts and LHC is right.
I think if you facebook stalk (which is normal) and find information indicating he is married, further investigation is not crazy. If facebook had not shown multiple red flags, I hope the divorce records wouldn't have even been a consideration.
Post by stephreloaded on Oct 17, 2014 11:05:56 GMT -5
I do FB stalking and I don't think it is out of line to FB stalk an ex, if you are suspicious they still might be together.
I also Google people but where I live, people don't have much information online so most of my searches are useless. The one that I did find a lot about was the guy who called me fat because he is a journalist for a very well known paper here so I did get to read some of his articles.
I am a firm believer in doing a little background on potential dates. Typically, I do it before I met them. My "stalking" includes doing a criminal records check (my state has it all on a public site), FB search and a quick google search.
By doing this, I've managed to avoid going out with guys who have multiple domestics, drug issues, DOC numbers and have been found "not guilty by reason of mental defect" after being charged with killing animals.
Yeah, I poke around before meeting someone. Having recently encountered a 2-month separated man who initially told me he was divorced, I don't mind checking a court docket to make sure things are finalized. Or searching criminal history. Or googling for articles/searching via Facebook.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Oct 17, 2014 11:13:17 GMT -5
I always Google before a first date to see if there's anything funky that comes up. I also check social media if I know it/can find it. I will further stalk if something pings my "hmm" meter. I wouldn't go so far as to drive to look up divorce records. If I felt that uncertain, the relationship is probably DOA.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by Wanderista on Oct 17, 2014 11:19:42 GMT -5
I'm pretty guarded with my own privacy before I get to know people or decide that they are ok. When dating, I actually don't give out my name before the first date and when guys would ask me questions that I considered invasive, I would shut it down. I didn't want to feel interrogated by someone and it was a personal turn off if I felt like they wanted to snoop about me. I don't have anything to hide aside from some really awkward Facebook photos/bad hair days/goofy photos with friends and relatives that I got roped into, etc. I've had a couple of speeding tickets in the past but I have nothing to hide.
I also hide nearly everything from public Facebook searches. I use strict privacy controls with people who aren't my friends. I think I allow friends of friends to see certain things but my public info is minimal.
I'd say that I don't do much searching of people that I go on dates with but I do talk with people for a while beforehand. I pay a lot of attention to my instincts and I filter out people heavily without meeting them. I'm not saying that's the best way but that's just what I've tended to do. I've never really done any "digging" about someone. I might lightly look at their FB or something to get a sense of who they are. That's generally just out of curiosity and wanting to get to know them rather than worrying that they are hiding something.
Post by riverpestie on Oct 17, 2014 11:24:41 GMT -5
This brings up a story that my CW told me. She is an older lady, so when she was dating, the internet wasn't around, but she is super private too. She told me that she would tell all of her boyfriends that her name was Stella and none of them knew where she lived, even guys she dated a year or two. She is married now and I asked her when she finally told him her real name, and she said once they started talking about marriage! I have no idea how she pulled it off for that long.
I think I'm alone in that I add people on Facebook FIRST. I'm also not shy about unfriending. If there's something weird, I can usually tell in a 5 minute scroll down the timeline. That's the extent of my pre-dating stalking.
This brings up a story that my CW told me. She is an older lady, so when she was dating, the internet wasn't around, but she is super private too. She told me that she would tell all of her boyfriends that her name was Stella and none of them knew where she lived, even guys she dated a year or two. She is married now and I asked her when she finally told him her real name, and she said once they started talking about marriage! I have no idea how she pulled it off for that long.
Haha. I definitely don't go that far. I'll give out my first name but I don't give out my last name until it comes up naturally after we've met. I've never really been asked by someone who I was on a date with. (Like I said, I filter a lot of people before getting TO the date).
My name combo is pretty rare though and I'm easy to search because the other people with my name combo all live in the Nordic countries as far as I know. I've even gotten accidental emails in Finnish from someone who thought I lived there.
I think I'm alone in that I add people on Facebook FIRST. I'm also not shy about unfriending. If there's something weird, I can usually tell in a 5 minute scroll down the timeline. That's the extent of my pre-dating stalking.
I do this too, it's actually what lead to me meeting my H. We facebook friended and discovered a mutual friend, which gave me the courage to meet him for real.
I've learned from the abusive ex to now always do a background check of some sort. Normally if I know they lived in multiple states, I check the Unified Judicial System of each state. I find parking tickets, DUIs, and the like up to and including criminal arrests. Warrants out for their arrest come up as well. Other than that? I let him tell me.
In my current situation, RR is pretty open. Small enough world that I know his XW from my childhood so he asked her about me. We are FB friends.
I'm not okay with digging that deep. Finding divorce decrees and court mandated stipulations of him and his ex. Its none of my business.
Post by jojoandleo on Oct 17, 2014 12:53:18 GMT -5
Meh, everything in my state is online. OSCN and ODCR have almost every county in Oklahoma. Some of them you cannot look at the actual documents, some you can. I always check those two websites for friends when they are dating a new guy. I don't think I have ever read someone's divorce paperwork (but you could), but I have read other things. Like the guy my friend dated that I found three prior DV charges. I looked at the documents to find out what he did.
My name combo is pretty rare though and I'm easy to search because the other people with my name combo all live in the Nordic countries as far as I know. I've even gotten accidental emails in Finnish from someone who thought I lived there.
I just want to acknowledge the correct usage of "Nordic countries" there! Yay! (It's become a pet peeve since moving to Scandinavia.)
My name combo is pretty rare though and I'm easy to search because the other people with my name combo all live in the Nordic countries as far as I know. I've even gotten accidental emails in Finnish from someone who thought I lived there.
I just want to acknowledge the correct usage of "Nordic countries" there! Yay! (It's become a pet peeve since moving to Scandinavia.).