Can we talk about ADHD and/or anxiety?

[glw]

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[darkling_glory]

Hugs! This sounds really rough.

One thing that has helped us is keeping our event calendar on the fridge. It's in a very visible spot and we can both pen things in.

While, I use a combo of outlook and Google calendar, my husband hates electronic calendars. I'm no longer reminding him "we have a birthday party on Saturday" or "game night next week!"

[glw]

Oct 17, 2014 14:47:40 GMT -5 darkling_glory said:

Hugs! This sounds really rough.

One thing that has helped us is keeping our event calendar on the fridge. It's in a very visible spot and we can both pen things in.

While, I use a combo of outlook and Google calendar, my husband hates electronic calendars. I'm no longer reminding him "we have a birthday party on Saturday" or "game night next week!"

Thanks

We do have a calendar on the fridge that I write on. Do you write every single thing on there? Like, every Tuesday is recycling day and every Friday is trash day, but MH can't remember that.

ETA: I mean he does "remember" but when he's heading out the door for work and has already had to find his keys, wallet, phone, work bag, not put on pants with a hole in the crotch (lol) he doesn't also think about taking the trash out.

[darkling_glory]

Oct 17, 2014 14:57:26 GMT -5 glw said:

Oct 17, 2014 14:47:40 GMT -5 darkling_glory said:

Hugs! This sounds really rough.

One thing that has helped us is keeping our event calendar on the fridge. It's in a very visible spot and we can both pen things in.

While, I use a combo of outlook and Google calendar, my husband hates electronic calendars. I'm no longer reminding him "we have a birthday party on Saturday" or "game night next week!"

Thanks

We do have a calendar on the fridge that I write on. Do you write every single thing on there? Like, every Tuesday is recycling day and every Friday is trash day, but MH can't remember that.

ETA: I mean he does "remember" but when he's heading out the door for work and has already had to find his keys, wallet, phone, work bag, not put on pants with a hole in the crotch (lol) he doesn't also think about taking the trash out.

No. I don't write everything. But every Thursday morning I remind him about the trash. Hmm... let me think about this a bit more.

P.S. he doesn't mind that I remind him about the trash.

[glw]

Oct 17, 2014 15:15:15 GMT -5 @stellarsailor said:

How does your H view your reminders? Does he view them as nagging?

I mean, I've got a million post it notes, e-mail reminders, people texting me, for things I need to do so I welcome them.

No, he doesn't feel like he's being nagged. But, it does increase his sense of anxiety to be reminded of another thing that he has to do/remember (and he usually doesn't remember anyway).

[glw]

I'm heading home from work now, but will check back later.

[jennynumbers]

I think I actually would nag him to see a doctor. His anxiety is obviously effecting you as well now. He might not be looking at it that way, which is why he hasn't made the commitment to go. I would let him know that in a sense it makes you feel anxious too. You are always thinking about ways to help him or remind him without "setting his anxiety off." KWIM?

As for helping- could you place a "G's Bowl" (Not that kind of bowl)   near the door where he can at least throw his keys, wallet etc RIGHT when he gets home? Did he just buy a messenger bag or was that Sit's H? Anyway, maybe one of those to keep things contained. 

I would suggest taking the trash out at night but I am pretty sure he gets home ridiculously late as it is most nights. I think it's just one of those things where he is going to have to be reminded about. Maybe the more he's reminded the more likely he'll see a Doctor.

Hugs

[lizardesque]

Automated reminders for things that occur every week or month are pretty handy. There are various apps for that, and some of them will keep reminding you until you mark a task as done. Also, creating routines for things that need to be done regularly can help a lot. It's sometimes hard to get into the habit of certain things, but once they do become habit, tasks can become less stressful since they're just part of a routine.

[lexxasaurus]

I agree with Jenny about seeing a doctor. I dealt with my anxiety for a long time but after a while I just figured I didn't NEED to feel overwhelmed all the time and my partner didn't NEED to worry about being super supportive and there were other alternatives.

I'm another with visual reminders. Calendar on the fridge, sticky note pad so I can leave a note on the front door so he'll remember to grab things before he gets out the door, etc. We have a garage and I'm always up first so I'll leave his lunch on his car for him.

[glw]

Thanks, everyone! Helpful stuff here.

I will push seeing a doctor (again). I've even gone so far as to put together a list of dr.s with phone numbers, but he "doesn't have time" or "forgets" to call them. I wonder how often they hear that! hehe

[sitnspin]

Because I know YH, I agree with the ladies to get him to a doctor at some point.  Would he think a holistic practitioner is a bunch of nonsense or would he be more willing to go?  Not sure what side of the fence he would be on for that, but I have heard that acupuncture can be a great stress and anxiety reliever.

[pitterwoo]

Crashing from the app. I've almost made the same post before. My Hs ADD is so frustrating! He doesn't really recognize that he has a problem. We're just now getting to the point of connecting all these behaviors and forgetfulness and lack of follow through as actually ADD.

I do a lot of lists for him and reminder emails. A calendar doesn't work because he doesn't look at it. The list has to be NEW or he doesn't look at it. We try to rely on routine as much as possible so he can go on autopilot. I wish he would follow his lists more instead of trying to do it on his own.

Making him see someone is probably a matter of time. I can't take not being able to count on him and running circles around him in terms of household tasks.

[sapphire bou]

I don't know if this will be of any help or insight, but I came across it today. www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/20-things-remember-you-love-person-with-add.html

[alabasterangel]

Kill him in his sleep.

[glw]

Oct 20, 2014 9:14:33 GMT -5 milsaroo said:

As Jenny suggested, what about a bowl, a specific shelf, or just one place that he should be keeping his stuff? 

We've tried a basket by the door, hooks, shelves, nightstand, etc. He just never puts things in the same place twice, despite reminding. This is why I find socks everywhere. I can't tell you how many times he's freaked out over losing his wedding ring!

Oct 20, 2014 9:03:06 GMT -5 pitterwoo said:

I do a lot of lists for him and reminder emails. A calendar doesn't work because he doesn't look at it. The list has to be NEW or he doesn't look at it.

Exactly!

Oct 20, 2014 9:23:35 GMT -5 sapphire bou said:

I don't know if this will be of any help or insight, but I came across it today. www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/20-things-remember-you-love-person-with-add.html

Thank you! My mind is SO not like that-- I really try to be understanding!

[glw]

Oct 20, 2014 8:42:13 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

Because I know YH, I agree with the ladies to get him to a doctor at some point.  Would he think a holistic practitioner is a bunch of nonsense or would he be more willing to go?  Not sure what side of the fence he would be on for that, but I have heard that acupuncture can be a great stress and anxiety reliever.

I really don't know how he'd respond to that. I mean, it took him 2 years to set up an eye doctor appointment and he was in desperate need of glasses...so I doubt he'd ever schedule something less dire.

[alabasterangel]

He's really lucky to have someone being as helpful and patient as you've been thus far. I hope he schedules something soon.

[MyName]

I don't think it's fair for you manage everything and he only has to worry about his work because he can't handle anything else. I totally understand why you are doing it, but it is only enabling him to keep on like this while you pay the price. Sure, he's always been able to deal with it, but it doesn't sound like he's dealing with it (effectively) now. There is a whole long list in the OP (that you are actually looking to add to!) of things you are doing to make things easier for him, and he hasn't made any effort to make things easier for you. That is bullshit.

You need to be honest about how it is affecting you and not make/accept excuses for/from him.

He needs to be an adult, make his mental health and the wellbeing of his spouse a priority, and go to a fucking doctor.

[alabasterangel]

Oct 20, 2014 14:22:54 GMT -5 MyName said:

He needs to be an adult, make his mental health and the wellbeing of his spouse a priority, and go to a fucking doctor.

(star)

[glw]

Oct 20, 2014 14:22:54 GMT -5 MyName said:

I don't think it's fair for you manage everything and he only has to worry about his work because he can't handle anything else. I totally understand why you are doing it, but it is only enabling him to keep on like this while you pay the price. Sure, he's always been able to deal with it, but it doesn't sound like he's dealing with it (effectively) now. There is a whole long list in the OP (that you are actually looking to add to!) of things you are doing to make things easier for him, and he hasn't made any effort to make things easier for you. That is bullshit.

You need to be honest about how it is affecting you and not make/accept excuses for/from him.

He needs to be an adult, make his mental health and the wellbeing of his spouse a priority, and go to a fucking doctor.

We have both made efforts to make things easier. Not everything has worked, but some has. Ultimately he does need to see a doctor. But me pushing him just makes him shut down and lash out, so in the interim we need to find a way to cope. I'm not making excuses, I recognize that he is not able to do things different right now. He knows exactly how I feel and he feels very guilty about it. 

[MyName]

glw, sorry, I didn't mean to come off as unsympathetic since I really do understand how exhausting and frustrating untreated mental issues can be. I just think if this was something considered more "serious" like bipolar or depression then this timeline would be unacceptable. The fact is, it's serious enough to affect other areas of your lives, and it should be addressed ASAP.

I'm sure he's tried a lot of things, but it's really a shame that the one thing that has the highest probability of success is not even an option right now.

[sitnspin]

I have been thinking about this post since yesterday.  Are there "online" or "over the phone" therapists that you could seek out?  Maybe bring them to him instead of the other way around?

[glw]

Oct 22, 2014 10:29:56 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

I have been thinking about this post since yesterday.  Are there "online" or "over the phone" therapists that you could seek out?  Maybe bring them to him instead of the other way around?

I'm not sure, I'll look into it. I doubt anyone prescribes over the phone, though. And he doesn't really need "therapy"...he needs drugs, lol.

[sitnspin]

Oct 22, 2014 10:34:09 GMT -5 glw said:

Oct 22, 2014 10:29:56 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

I have been thinking about this post since yesterday.  Are there "online" or "over the phone" therapists that you could seek out?  Maybe bring them to him instead of the other way around?

I'm not sure, I'll look into it. I doubt anyone prescribes over the phone, though. And he doesn't really need "therapy"...he needs drugs, lol.

Ah, that makes sense.  I had anxiety (still have it sometimes) when I was managing restaurants and was on medication (and a sleeping pill).  His job probably triggers it to some degree.

[alabasterangel]

My psychiatrist was online but I still had to go to an actual office to see his nurse each visit. Just as an FYI.

[OrangePixyStix]

Oct 22, 2014 10:34:09 GMT -5 glw said:

Oct 22, 2014 10:29:56 GMT -5 sitnspin said:

I have been thinking about this post since yesterday.  Are there "online" or "over the phone" therapists that you could seek out?  Maybe bring them to him instead of the other way around?

I'm not sure, I'll look into it. I doubt anyone prescribes over the phone, though. And he doesn't really need "therapy"...he needs drugs, lol.

There is an app called "Dr. on Demand" that my mom has used a few times already and they were able to call in prescriptions for her after she just used the app's online Doctor's visit. I believe one time it was for antibiotics and another time for some sort of sinus related medication.

I have absolutely no clue if they will issue harder scripts or not, but it may be worth checking into.   I downloaded the app and just haven't had a need to use it yet, but she said it was very easy to use and obviously way more convenient than setting up an appointment with her regular doctor and having to spend time doing that and/or being around other sick people in a waiting room.

Good luck, I hope his stress subsides and he can focus on being healthy for himself and to take some of that worry off of you.