I think you can skip and let him take the kids. You need a break. They sound overwhelming. Stop worrying about what they think.
My husband has a ridiculous extended family and this is now our solution going forward. Going to all that crap was making my life miserable. Also, DD and I go hang out with my family all the time without him.
Yikes, that is a LOT of interaction. I think that your feelings are very valid. I am very close to my family but there are times that I visit without DH. Just because that is my idea of a good time, doesn't mean that he has to partake. Do the big celebrations: vow renewal, bdays and the like but avoid the smaller things. Also check in with your dh from time to time and verify that he is still ok and isn't harboring any resentments. GL. Honor yourself
I see my family a lot and it doesn't bother anyone if DH opts out. Not that they don't want him to come but everyone understands.
I'd do a combo of things.
Stop the "showing off for fun" stuff. Don't take the kids over to show off their Halloween costumes, just send a pic. Honestly, that sounds like a hassle anyway.
Go to big events like birthdays and anniversary parties.
Bow out of events that are just for fun if you don't mind skipping, like the pumpkin carving.
I'm close to my family but I get that doing multiple things a weekend with them can be too much for DH. I certainly don't want to spend that much time with his family!
If you don't want to go, don't go. It's really that simple. There is no rule that you have to attend every event - especially since your husband seems totally on board with it. I mean, obviously don't skip everything but I would not feel obligated to attend all of that.
My family is only five minutes away so our level of interaction is similar. I'd be annoyed if H said I had to scale it back for me or our future baby since I really enjoy my family. But I also know he does not want to hang out with them as much as I do, so I don't expect him to go with me on my random visits---just the bigger things, like birthdays and holidays. Maybe your H could declare that every other Sunday (as an example) is your morning to do whatever you'd like and his time to take the kids to his parents. That way they come to expect that you'll never be at those visits and you won't have to make excuses each time.
H and I both have families that are full of events, huge and overwhelming.
TBH, right now I suck it up and go because a) My kids LOVE LOVE their cousins and that's priceless b) at this stage in life taking my kids anywhere is hard so a ready made activity is fine by me to some extent.
However it does get to be a lot and these are things we do:
1. There is no shame in picking and choosing events alone. H doesn't attend all of my mine due to work, distance and he plain needs a break. I drove my kids to a gathering at my Mom's yesterday and he stayed home. I'm skipping his early family Thanksgiving for a girls' weekend. He took one kid and had dinner with his mom and SIL the other night. As long as you're not a b*tch about it (Look. I hate you all and your stupid parties! I'm not coming! EVER!) people usually understand and will carry on just fine. I use to have guilt about this and then H said, "No one cares. I promise." And they don't. I've noticed everybody from his sisters to my brother do the same thing. You can't be everywhere all the time.
2. I use my kids an an excuse to hide sometimes. "Ohh...someone needs a nap."
3. I also take a step out nicely if we're just hanging out at someone's house. "Nice day, who wants a walk?" "Coffee run?" Anything like that. It really helps. I still see people but it's more relaxed. Yesterday my sister said, "Who wants to go shopping for a bit." Obviously there's a time and a place for this (Not at grandma's 2 hour birthday obviously) but it works great for longer weekend things.
I recently started doing that thing where I leave when my Inlaws come over. "Oh! In so glad you're here! I need to run errands, see you!"
It feels so wrong and so good at the same time. Skip and have your husband take the kids.
I just started this, too. My H is their son, he can be in charge of taking DS to see them sometimes. If my family were local, I wouldn't expect H to go with me every single time I did something with them.
I wouldn't feel badly about not going. My mom lives close and I see her a lot. DH has gone probably less than five times in almost five years. He's often around when she comes to our house but we will often go do things and it's 50/50 if he comes along.
I also send DH to his parents (far away) alone at least once a year. It's okay.
Post by gibbinator on Oct 19, 2014 10:51:11 GMT -5
Oh I'd totally take him up on the offer that you don't have to go! I do that all the time. I love my in laws, but like yours we see them at least every Sunday and usually Mil visits Tuesday evenings too, and I just don't want to be that social. Anytime I don't feel like attending something that isn't an important event I just send dh with the kids. It's wonderful and my ILs don't feel slighted even though dh just outright tells them I wanted to stay home and watch TV by myself. If they're not crazy people I'm sure they would be fine with just your dh and your kids going.
We see my family (except my mom who comes up to us weekly) less frequently, maybe a couple times a month I'll drive down for a visit. Dh likes my family but he frequently bows out to stay home and work on some house projects or just to watch sports. No one minds.
I don't see what's wrong with sending DH on his own with the kids. But if you want more time as a family of 5 without all the commitments involving extended family, that's another issue and requires your DH being on board.
This is why we don't live near our families. It would never end.
ETA: sorry, hit post too soon! I agree with picking and choosing. Or putting the onus on them more. They want to see the kids' costumes? They can drive over to your house.
I didn't have the exact same situation but MIL and FIL have issues with cutting the apron strings and were always inviting us over for dinners multiple times a week and brunch every single Sunday. I had to put a stop to it because it was just too much. It was great at first to not have to cook dinners so many times a week but you know it's not just dinner but then chatting and staying for a while. As a teacher I have work to get done at night on top of housework and it became too much.
I stopped going and H would go alone. At first I felt like I was being an ass (and they probably thought I was, too) but then H stopped accepting the invites so often as well. Now we do dinner and a brunch once a month.
This is why we don't live near our families. It would never end.
ETA: sorry, hit post too soon! I agree with picking and choosing. Or putting the onus on them more. They want to see the kids' costumes? They can drive over to your house.
Oh yeah, this, too!
We don't have this situation with kids YET, but MIL does have this "thing" where all events must take place at HER HOUSE. We've had issues with just the two of us w/o kids where we had to tell them "no, if you want xyandz you can come here". Now that we have DD we're going to have to force this much more.
Example: They actually did expect us to do xmas morning at their house all the time, even with kids. As in we bring the kids over there do to gifts, even the ones from Santa. We shot that down a few years ago and hopefully now that DD is here it won't resurface.
Post by polarbearfans on Oct 19, 2014 12:27:18 GMT -5
I'm exhausted just reading that. It's fine to pass on some of the smaller events. I don't know how you get anything done hanging with his family all the time
when this happens with my h's family, i pick the more important event to go to and do not attend the other. i tell my h he should go but i am staying home.
if they are always stopping by, put an end to that on weeks where you will see them again. especially the next day!
My family is sort of like your DH's. We established long ago that my DH doesn't have to go to everything. He goes to all the big stuff - holidays, birthdays, etc. But I let him slide on minor stuff like pumpkin carving, stopping over for no reason, etc. if it's getting to be too much for him. And I'll let him know if there's something I especially want him to attend.
So for you, I would do exactly what your DH has suggested and skip some things. I wouldn't want my DH to ask me not to go to my family's events just because he doesn't want to go. I mean, if it's cutting into your family time, then definitely talk to him about that aspect of it. But if you just don't want to go and don't mind if he goes, then I say enjoy the breaks, lol.
The difference in how it looks depends on how your DH portrays you to his family. This part is important, because he can either say "lcap she has a bunch of work stuff to do tonight" or "um...I don't know, she didn't want to come." Is he likely to vouch for you? You can also handle a bit of it yourself by texting your SIL "I'm overloaded with work stuff so just DH is coming with the kids tonight. Sorry to miss you guys!" But your DH will still need to back you up once he gets there.
Post by fortmyersbride on Oct 19, 2014 14:04:44 GMT -5
We have family from both sides in town so I think it helps to balance the dynamic a bit more. DH and I go along with each other any time it's a holiday or bday celebration (assuming neither one of us has work obligations), but don't tag along for the other weekly or 1-2 times/mo visits. At first our families would ask where the other one was, if me/DH was ok, but it's become the new normal now. Plus having the house totally to myself has resolved any guilt I may have felt about not going along!
Post by leonard131 on Oct 19, 2014 14:34:52 GMT -5
I think sending H on his own is a great idea especially because you are home with them and deserve a break! It simply can be explained that way. You need some down time and they are spending time with Dad. Win/Win. You didn't say you were never going to spend time with them so they have nothing to talk about. Isn't that why it is nice to have family close by- so someone else can watch the kids :-).
Post by crazycakes on Oct 19, 2014 15:43:22 GMT -5
It may be a little different because my DH really does work most weekends, but I do a lot of our family stuff with DD solo. We live 5 minutes from my parents and DD and I see them a lot. DH comes with us only for the "big" events, like Mother's Day, birthdays, whatever. No one minds.
Of course, I have to do a lot of stuff with his parents alone too, due to his work schedule. THAT gets old.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Oct 19, 2014 15:47:59 GMT -5
I feel badly about this because I'm your husband in this situation. My family all lives here and his lives 600 mikes away. My dad is our nanny, and we do things with my parents and brother and sil usually once a week or more. It's common for us all to go out to eat , shopping or an activity on sat. So we made sun ( with the exception of a special event ) our family day only. My DH has been a good sport, but I'm sure it gets old. Don't feel pressured to attend everything, and maybe have one weekend your your selves. But unfortunately I think living near ones family makes this hard to cut out.
Post by curbsideprophet on Oct 19, 2014 16:10:34 GMT -5
I did not read any other replies. If your DH is willing to take the kids and give you time alone, I say go for it. I think it is natural that he wants to spend more time with his family than you do.
I think it would be a little weird if you never went to get togethers. However missing one now and then seems normal.
I'm pretty extroverted and like them, so it's usually not a big deal. But sometimes I don't want to see them.
DH often goes by himself which works fine for everyone. They like me too, but they don't miss me at all when I bow out once in a while.
When we have our son, I'm fully planning on just leaving him with grandma sometimes. She'll be happy because he'll be the real draw and we'll get some quiet time.
Your dh can do some PR for you too. When they ask where you are, he can say "Oh, she's taking care of the grocery shopping so I get to come over!" or "She's doing the bills" or "she's taking this chance to get with her friends for dinner", rather than "She didn't feel like coming over".
This is along the lines as to what I was going to say. This boils down to how your DH handles it. If he says "She jsut didn't want to come/ we GTG too much for her", yeah, they may think "bitch".
But as long as he explains yourt absence logically, it should be fine. And even if they do push, wonder how you can skip - he needs to keep backing you up. "We've been really busy. The choice was I come w/ the kids while she catches up on some stuff or NONE of us come." Period.
You have a life outside of them. It's o.k. to not go to everything. Your DH just needs to handle it appropriately.
I think a compromise is totally fine. Sometimes you go, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you're entertaining people who drop by, sometimes you're busy and either take off or don't answer the door.