As I mentioned earlier.....bf and I had our First major fight Saturday night/Sunday (for those that dont know, we have been together 6 months). It started off with something small, and then it turned into him breaking down and admitting he is not happy and wants to "go home" (he is not from my state). We talked some more yesterday, and it turns out....he has never been happy in any line of work he has done (military, construction, engineering, etc). Basically he is never content with present (his words) and he doesn't know what to do to feel better. He has been to a therapist in the past for this and he said it wasnt helpful. He has been given several different types of ADs and he said they never helped. I dont know what to do (if anything) to help him or what he can do to solve this. I dont think going back home (6 hours away) when his job and me are here is going to solve this problem. He is going to drive home this coming weekend and then I dont know what is going to happen next....is he going to go back home? Leave? I dunno
So a couple of questions then.....what do I do? Anyone familiar with this....as in what he can do to help himself? Is this something you would walk away from? To be honest I am really at a loss here....I dont want to lose him.....
PDQ....I will prob delete later once I get some feedback.
I don't think you should break up with him over this. Everyone has moments like this don't they? You can't "fix" it for him though, maybe he is just home sick. Give him some space and see what happens. Do you live together?
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Oct 20, 2014 9:06:14 GMT -5
Hmm. How has he handled relationships in the past? Has he had a lot of them? I think what I'm curious about is finding out if this whole "not content in the present" thing translates into that too. If so, you have a huge challenge in front of you and the odds are good he won't want to stick around very long because some people are simply restless and not truly happy in their surroundings. I'm surprised to hear that he's been in therapy for this before. Do you know what they talked about or tried?
I'm sorry. This is tough to deal with. Not impossible but definitely hard.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Post by bullygirl979 on Oct 20, 2014 9:10:41 GMT -5
Honestly? I've dated a few men like him (and married one too!). I think it is good that he can recognize that he is unhappy and has tried some methods to fix it. However, I give him a side eye for thinking that moving home will fix it. What is tricky with guys like this is that if he doesn't take ownership of his feelings, he will never be happy. My ex always blamed external factors for his unhappiness. So, he never changed because it wasn't his "fault", kwim? If you BF is the same way, he will never be happy and then you will always be stuck chasing his dream of what will make him happy. And nothing will, so it is a lose/lose.
He needs to do therapy and possibly try another AD. Trying therapy once isn't going to cut it. There are a million reason why it might not have worked. However, I really caution you from suggesting to him how to fix this. If he is motivated, he will do it. You don't want to be the source of his motivation.
As to what you can do....there isn't much you can do, unfortunately. This is his issue and he needs to fix it.
Hugs, starry. I wish I had better things to say, but I walked this path many times and it never turned out well. Most people aren't willing to change.
I don't think you should break up with him over this. Everyone has moments like this don't they? You can't "fix" it for him though, maybe he is just home sick. Give him some space and see what happens. Do you live together?
Yes we live together.....to be honest I anticipate him breaking up with me bc he will leave to go home for good.....
Hmm. How has he handled relationships in the past? Has he had a lot of them? I think what I'm curious about is finding out if this whole "not content in the present" thing translates into that too. If so, you have a huge challenge in front of you and the odds are good he won't want to stick around very long because some people are simply restless and not truly happy in their surroundings. I'm surprised to hear that he's been in therapy for this before. Do you know what they talked about or tried?
I'm sorry. This is tough to deal with. Not impossible but definitely hard.
He has had about 3 long term relationships prior to me (several years each). They all ended for normal reasons (cheating, etc)
Hmm. How has he handled relationships in the past? Has he had a lot of them? I think what I'm curious about is finding out if this whole "not content in the present" thing translates into that too. If so, you have a huge challenge in front of you and the odds are good he won't want to stick around very long because some people are simply restless and not truly happy in their surroundings. I'm surprised to hear that he's been in therapy for this before. Do you know what they talked about or tried?
I'm sorry. This is tough to deal with. Not impossible but definitely hard.
He has had about 3 long term relationships prior to me (several years each). They all ended for normal reasons (cheating, etc)
Honestly? I've dated a few men like him (and married one too!). I think it is good that he can recognize that he is unhappy and has tried some methods to fix it. However, I give him a side eye for thinking that moving home will fix it. What is tricky with guys like this is that if he doesn't take ownership of his feelings, he will never be happy. My ex always blamed external factors for his unhappiness. So, he never changed because it wasn't his "fault", kwim? If you BF is the same way, he will never be happy and then you will always be stuck chasing his dream of what will make him happy. And nothing will, so it is a lose/lose.
He needs to do therapy and possibly try another AD. Trying therapy once isn't going to cut it. There are a million reason why it might not have worked. However, I really caution you from suggesting to him how to fix this. If he is motivated, he will do it. You don't want to be the source of his motivation.
As to what you can do....there isn't much you can do, unfortunately. This is his issue and he needs to fix it.
Hugs, starry. I wish I had better things to say, but I walked this path many times and it never turned out well. Most people aren't willing to change.
Yes my EXH was like that too....blamed everyone/everything else for his problems. BF doesnt seem that way...he realizes this is a common problem in his life. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, I just wanted to see if there was anything I could suggest. I agree with the going home....its not going to fix it and I think he realizes that too (he said he has moved around a lot for this reason too). He is going home this coming weekend just for the weekend....we will see what happens.
Honestly? I've dated a few men like him (and married one too!). I think it is good that he can recognize that he is unhappy and has tried some methods to fix it. However, I give him a side eye for thinking that moving home will fix it. What is tricky with guys like this is that if he doesn't take ownership of his feelings, he will never be happy. My ex always blamed external factors for his unhappiness. So, he never changed because it wasn't his "fault", kwim? If you BF is the same way, he will never be happy and then you will always be stuck chasing his dream of what will make him happy. And nothing will, so it is a lose/lose.
He needs to do therapy and possibly try another AD. Trying therapy once isn't going to cut it. There are a million reason why it might not have worked. However, I really caution you from suggesting to him how to fix this. If he is motivated, he will do it. You don't want to be the source of his motivation.
As to what you can do....there isn't much you can do, unfortunately. This is his issue and he needs to fix it.
Hugs, starry. I wish I had better things to say, but I walked this path many times and it never turned out well. Most people aren't willing to change.
Yes my EXH was like that too....blamed everyone/everything else for his problems. BF doesnt seem that way...he realizes this is a common problem in his life. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, I just wanted to see if there was anything I could suggest. I agree with the going home....its not going to fix it and I think he realizes that too (he said he has moved around a lot for this reason too). He is going home this coming weekend just for the weekend....we will see what happens.
I don't think anything will change unless he is willing to do some hard, soul searching work in therapy. There must be a reason that he is so apathetic. And again, maybe trying another AD.
Yes my EXH was like that too....blamed everyone/everything else for his problems. BF doesnt seem that way...he realizes this is a common problem in his life. I know there is nothing I can do to fix him, I just wanted to see if there was anything I could suggest. I agree with the going home....its not going to fix it and I think he realizes that too (he said he has moved around a lot for this reason too). He is going home this coming weekend just for the weekend....we will see what happens.
I don't think anything will change unless he is willing to do some hard, soul searching work in therapy. There must be a reason that he is so apathetic. And again, maybe trying another AD.
Yea I agree. Just super sucks. We had made all these plans....had talked about getting married, etc. Just sucks to let go of that.....I dont think I will have to break up with him....I think he will do that for me when he comes back next week. What super sucks is this week.....living together and him being all weird and not wanting to talk or anything.....
I don't think you should break up with him over this. Everyone has moments like this don't they? You can't "fix" it for him though, maybe he is just home sick. Give him some space and see what happens. Do you live together?
Yes we live together.....to be honest I anticipate him breaking up with me bc he will leave to go home for good.....
Why are you waiting for him to make a decision? Honestly - you deserve better. Someone who IS happy with you and their life and their job. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I think you're wasting your time sitting around and waiting for him to see it. You could wait a long time for him to "be happy" when he's clearly showing you the signs that he has no idea how to be happy with himself.
Why are you waiting for him to make a decision? Honestly - you deserve better. Someone who IS happy with you and their life and their job. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I think you're wasting your time sitting around and waiting for him to see it. You could wait a long time for him to "be happy" when he's clearly showing you the signs that he has no idea how to be happy with himself.
Yea I get this.....I will give him the weekend to go home....if he hasnt made a decision by then.....I will do it
Why are you waiting for him to make a decision? Honestly - you deserve better. Someone who IS happy with you and their life and their job. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I think you're wasting your time sitting around and waiting for him to see it. You could wait a long time for him to "be happy" when he's clearly showing you the signs that he has no idea how to be happy with himself.
+1. I know it sucks, starryfish, but you deserve better. And honestly, it is kind of sounding like he isn't the right one for you.
Post by jellymankelly on Oct 20, 2014 9:47:00 GMT -5
Ugh this sucks. I'm sorry. I was also married to someone who is never content. He was more dramatic (if I stay in this job it will kill me, I'm afraid if I stay married to you I'll be dead in a year, etc) but he's defiantly never been content doing anything for more than a few months. It's hard to deal with. Really hard. I have no advice, but I can empathize.
I hope you two are able to find some sort of solution.
hugs starryfish. i agree with what everyone else has said in this thread: don't wait for him, make the best decisions for YOU. i know it's hard, but you deserve the best!
Honestly even if he stays this time it will be a recurring issue and staying together will just prolong the inevitable. I've experienced similar mental health issues and being in a relationship was simple not possible while working through them. He needs to be on his own, work through these issues and then maybe you guys can try again. I'm sorry! It's hard ! Hugs!
Is it like grass is greener syndrome? Or really truly just isn't happy with anything.
He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.
Is it like grass is greener syndrome? Or really truly just isn't happy with anything.
He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.
He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.
This is a giant red flag to me.
Agree completely. This guy will drag you down if you let him.
He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.
This is a giant red flag to me.
Agreed.
And, if he chooses to stay, what sort of assurances will you have that this won't happen again?
I know you're trying to be patient and give him a chance. But the more you post, the more I think he doesn't deserve a chance.
Is it like grass is greener syndrome? Or really truly just isn't happy with anything.
He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.
This is someone who sounds like he will never be happy. He is literally telling you that.