Okay, I need some help here....

[starburst604]

Oct 20, 2014 11:07:49 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Oct 20, 2014 10:53:19 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

This is a giant red flag to me. 

Agreed.

And, if he chooses to stay, what sort of assurances will you have that this won't happen again?

I know you're trying to be patient and give him a chance. But the more you post, the more I think he doesn't deserve a chance.

I agree with this. He's either using this as an excuse to back away from the relationship, or he has issues that are not yours to fix. I also agree that it shouldn't be up to him to decides if this is over or not. I know it's hard because it came out of nowhere, and you thought that things were great. But really, do you want to stay with someone when you know in the back of your mind you'll always wonder if he's dreaming of greener pastures? Could be that this isn't quite the right relationship for him and he's been trying to talk himself into it because it's great on paper, or it could just be that he can't be happy in any situation. Do you really want either of those things for yourself?

And, I'm saying this with love, not to kick you when you're down - when people caution against moving in with someone so quickly, it's because of things like this. Maybe these issues would have shown themselves sooner if everything didn't move so quickly, and saved you a little bit of heartache.

[starryfish]

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:22 GMT -5 mcc said:

Oct 20, 2014 10:28:43 GMT -5 starryfish said:

He says that finally he has everything he wanted....good job, me, traveling, house, future, etc. But he isnt content with it. Always wondering what if, what could have been, and having major regrets about past.

This is someone who sounds like he will never be happy. He is literally telling you that.

I know.....I feel so sorry for him as a person bc that must SUCK to feel like that

But also, if this has been SUCH a major problem, why and HOW has he been hiding it so well? We have been having SO much fun lately together....ugh this blows

[starryfish]

Oct 20, 2014 11:28:24 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:07:49 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Agreed.

And, if he chooses to stay, what sort of assurances will you have that this won't happen again?

I know you're trying to be patient and give him a chance. But the more you post, the more I think he doesn't deserve a chance.

I agree with this. He's either using this as an excuse to back away from the relationship, or he has issues that are not yours to fix. I also agree that it shouldn't be up to him to decides if this is over or not. I know it's hard because it came out of nowhere, and you thought that things were great. But really, do you want to stay with someone when you know in the back of your mind you'll always wonder if he's dreaming of greener pastures? Could be that this isn't quite the right relationship for him and he's been trying to talk himself into it because it's great on paper, or it could just be that he can't be happy in any situation. Do you really want either of those things for yourself?

And, I'm saying this with love, not to kick you when you're down - when people caution against moving in with someone so quickly, it's because of things like this. Maybe these issues would have shown themselves sooner if everything didn't move so quickly, and saved you a little bit of heartache.

I hear ya. As for the moving in thing....I would not have done it if it wasnt my house....at least I dont have to go anywhere, which makes that a little easier ya know?

[mcc]

Oct 20, 2014 11:29:17 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:22 GMT -5 mcc said:

This is someone who sounds like he will never be happy. He is literally telling you that.

I know.....I feel so sorry for him as a person bc that must SUCK to feel like that

But also, if this has been SUCH a major problem, why and HOW has he been hiding it so well? We have been having SO much fun lately together....ugh this blows

I think plenty of us are here because of someone who hid something well in a relationship...I get it though, it sucks. I'm sorry.

[bullygirl979]

Oct 20, 2014 11:30:36 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:28:24 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

I agree with this. He's either using this as an excuse to back away from the relationship, or he has issues that are not yours to fix. I also agree that it shouldn't be up to him to decides if this is over or not. I know it's hard because it came out of nowhere, and you thought that things were great. But really, do you want to stay with someone when you know in the back of your mind you'll always wonder if he's dreaming of greener pastures? Could be that this isn't quite the right relationship for him and he's been trying to talk himself into it because it's great on paper, or it could just be that he can't be happy in any situation. Do you really want either of those things for yourself?

And, I'm saying this with love, not to kick you when you're down - when people caution against moving in with someone so quickly, it's because of things like this. Maybe these issues would have shown themselves sooner if everything didn't move so quickly, and saved you a little bit of heartache.

I hear ya. As for the moving in thing....I would not have done it if it wasnt my house....at least I dont have to go anywhere, which makes that a little easier ya know?

Sometimes I think it is easier to get wrapped up in things when you live together. It gets kind of whirlwind feeling. So it is easier to spot the red flags if there is a bit of distance, if that makes sense. 

[bullygirl979]

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:50 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:07:49 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

Agreed.

And, if he chooses to stay, what sort of assurances will you have that this won't happen again?

I know you're trying to be patient and give him a chance. But the more you post, the more I think he doesn't deserve a chance.

I agree.....i think if he WANTS to stay, it would be conditional on him getting into therapy and meds

Also, just an FYI, its my house, so at least I dont have to move out

My only word of advice would be to not tell him what to do or make "ultimatiums". 

I have a good friend who started dating this guy. He complained about things he wasn't happy with, but never made the changes to fix them. My friend ended up being unhappy with the same things. She would get tired of him not making any changes, so she would tell him that she was done and tell him why. Then he always took *just* enough of a step to make it look like he was doing something to change. Lather, rinse and repeat about 20 times over. 

It is now 3 years later and she is JUST seeing that this guy never wanted to change for himself, and only did just enough to make her stay. He never made the changes he said he was going to do, and she feels as though she wasted the last 3 years of her life. 

[starburst604]

Oct 20, 2014 11:44:34 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:50 GMT -5 starryfish said:

I agree.....i think if he WANTS to stay, it would be conditional on him getting into therapy and meds

Also, just an FYI, its my house, so at least I dont have to move out

My only word of advice would be to not tell him what to do or make "ultimatiums". 

I have a good friend who started dating this guy. He complained about things he wasn't happy with, but never made the changes to fix them. My friend ended up being unhappy with the same things. She would get tired of him not making any changes, so she would tell him that she was done and tell him why. Then he always took *just* enough of a step to make it look like he was doing something to change. Lather, rinse and repeat about 20 times over. 

It is now 3 years later and she is JUST seeing that this guy never wanted to change for himself, and only did just enough to make her stay. He never made the changes he said he was going to do, and she feels as though she wasted the last 3 years of her life. 

I dated this guy too, for 9 months and that was long enough. I thought I could help him be happy and when I would be ready to walk he would tell me how he was going to change, and learn to be happier. RIGHT. If he hadn't figured that out on his own by age 35, he wasn't going to. He was a total Eeyore, and it really brought me down when that's not my nature. Funny thing was he swore the reason he felt incomplete is because he wasn't a father, and that was the only thing that would bring him happiness and purpose in life. Shockingly, he is still unmarried and has no kids.

[onedayatatime]

Big hugs - I agree with everyone that his past pattern of not being happy with jobs, life is a major red flag.

Xh was like this about everything - and I was still surprised when he decided he needed to trade me in to be happy.

Also, I was exactly the same way - hating the limbo but waiting for him to make a decision. Easier said than done, but I now think once it feels like limbo, you have to take action - even if it isn't the outcome you want.

[bullygirl979]

Oct 20, 2014 11:50:12 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:44:34 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

My only word of advice would be to not tell him what to do or make "ultimatiums". 

I have a good friend who started dating this guy. He complained about things he wasn't happy with, but never made the changes to fix them. My friend ended up being unhappy with the same things. She would get tired of him not making any changes, so she would tell him that she was done and tell him why. Then he always took *just* enough of a step to make it look like he was doing something to change. Lather, rinse and repeat about 20 times over. 

It is now 3 years later and she is JUST seeing that this guy never wanted to change for himself, and only did just enough to make her stay. He never made the changes he said he was going to do, and she feels as though she wasted the last 3 years of her life. 

I dated this guy too, for 9 months and that was long enough. I thought I could help him be happy and when I would be ready to walk he would tell me how he was going to change, and learn to be happier. RIGHT. If he hadn't figured that out on his own by age 35, he wasn't going to. He was a total Eeyore, and it really brought me down when that's not my nature. Funny thing was he swore the reason he felt incomplete is because he wasn't a father, and that was the only thing that would bring him happiness and purpose in life. Shockingly, he is still unmarried and has no kids.

Again, external factors. Sigh....Why won't people learn that THEY are responsible for their own happiness/unhappiness??

[starryfish]

Oct 20, 2014 11:44:34 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:50 GMT -5 starryfish said:

I agree.....i think if he WANTS to stay, it would be conditional on him getting into therapy and meds

Also, just an FYI, its my house, so at least I dont have to move out

My only word of advice would be to not tell him what to do or make "ultimatiums". 

I have a good friend who started dating this guy. He complained about things he wasn't happy with, but never made the changes to fix them. My friend ended up being unhappy with the same things. She would get tired of him not making any changes, so she would tell him that she was done and tell him why. Then he always took *just* enough of a step to make it look like he was doing something to change. Lather, rinse and repeat about 20 times over. 

It is now 3 years later and she is JUST seeing that this guy never wanted to change for himself, and only did just enough to make her stay. He never made the changes he said he was going to do, and she feels as though she wasted the last 3 years of her life. 

Agree....I will keep you all posted on what happens.

[LoveBug]

Good luck starry. My STBX is like this. It's really draining. You got a ton of advice here and I hope you can come to peace with whatever the outcome may be. Just remember, it's not your job to make someone happy and enjoy life. You deserve someone that truly wants to be with you with no conditions.

[lexxasaurus]

I dated this guy too. He told me about 9 months in (we'd lived together about 4 months at that point) that he just wasn't happy for some reason and we had to be done. Then a day later it was crying, I'm so sorry's and I love you but I need a change.. hop forward to 9 months later, it was that he just wanted to go home, he was so homesick and that was destroying him. HE was going to go. I lost it, and the next day it was more sorry, I love you, WE should go home. In between all the big things he'd quit jobs and go on the hunt for something to make him happier, so on and so forth. I was with him for years and if I hadn't finally left I would still be struggling to be perfect enough to make up for his underlying unhappiness, and waiting for the next explosion. You will always live in a state of wondering when your life is going to come crashing down if you are with someone that cannot be happy in life. That's no way to live.

[LoveBug]

Oct 20, 2014 13:56:42 GMT -5 lexxasaurus said:

I dated this guy too. He told me about 9 months in (we'd lived together about 4 months at that point) that he just wasn't happy for some reason and we had to be done. Then a day later it was crying, I'm so sorry's and I love you but I need a change.. hop forward to 9 months later, it was that he just wanted to go home, he was so homesick and that was destroying him. HE was going to go. I lost it, and the next day it was more sorry, I love you, WE should go home. In between all the big things he'd quit jobs and go on the hunt for something to make him happier, so on and so forth. I was with him for years and if I hadn't finally left I would still be struggling to be perfect enough to make up for his underlying unhappiness, and waiting for the next explosion. You will always live in a state of wondering when your life is going to come crashing down if you are with someone that cannot be happy in life. That's no way to live.

You said it all so well. It's not fun wondering when he might change his mind again.

This is so what happened to me. My STBX was always a future thinker and would fixate on what he would have (house, material things, bonus) and what we would do (wedding, house, baby, etc) that he never was happy in present tense. When he was unhappy, he would change an external factor and hope for the best. He never changed internally. Even hi therapist told him this, but it didn't matter. Everyone and everything around him had to change, while he stayed the same....as a miserable prick.

[Deleted]

I'll also jump in here to say that I was (am?) this person. I had this unattainable idea of what I should feel like everyday. That I should be totally euphoric and if I wasn't there was something wrong with my life. Because well life isn't going be euphoric everyday I had to do things to get that "high." This could be changing jobs, jumping into dating, shopping, running a marathon. Inevitability euphoria isn't sustainable. So I would be really, really low. It was a horrible yoyo. After about two years of weekly therapy and finding a good combo of meds, I can finally appreciate being content. Things can be nice and consistent and I feel good. I can find pleasure in the mundane or very simple things. But it took a really really long time to get there. And I fucked up several dating scenarios and friendships along the way. He has real work to do on himself. You also mentioned he was deployed. Do you think he is suffering some ill effects from that?

[bullygirl979]

Wow, @pdx18, I give you a lot of credit. That sounds so exhausting and sad and I'm sure it took a lot of hard, hard work to change those expectations. You get a lot of respect from me, lady! I'm sure it wasn't easy.

[Deleted]

awww thanks bullygirl979 I probably had about five "false starts" along the way. I still sometimes notice myself slipping back, but overall I'm so much happier with my life. My family says it's like being around an entirely different person. Just wanted to give some perspective!

[WinterIsComing]

Oct 20, 2014 11:29:17 GMT -5 starryfish said:

Oct 20, 2014 11:27:22 GMT -5 mcc said:

This is someone who sounds like he will never be happy. He is literally telling you that.

I know.....I feel so sorry for him as a person bc that must SUCK to feel like that

But also, if this has been SUCH a major problem, why and HOW has he been hiding it so well? We have been having SO much fun lately together....ugh this blows

I agree with everyone else that this is a big red flag.

You've only been dating for six months, right? He probably hasn't been purposely hiding it - you're probably just starting to enter the phase where your true selves (the good and the bad) start to come out.

Just remember that you get a vote in this relationship too. Don't feel like you have to hang out in limbo till he makes a decisions. You deserve someone who completely wants to be with you and is happy with the life you have together.

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 14:31:54 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

awww thanks bullygirl979 I probably had about five "false starts" along the way. I still sometimes notice myself slipping back, but overall I'm so much happier with my life. My family says it's like being around an entirely different person. Just wanted to give some perspective!

@pdx18 -even though we haven't seen each other much (which we need to remedy!) I can also say I notice a big difference, too! Cheers and high fives, girl!

[starryfish]

Oct 20, 2014 14:18:52 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'll also jump in here to say that I was (am?) this person. I had this unattainable idea of what I should feel like everyday. That I should be totally euphoric and if I wasn't there was something wrong with my life. Because well life isn't going be euphoric everyday I had to do things to get that "high." This could be changing jobs, jumping into dating, shopping, running a marathon. Inevitability euphoria isn't sustainable. So I would be really, really low. It was a horrible yoyo. After about two years of weekly therapy and finding a good combo of meds, I can finally appreciate being content. Things can be nice and consistent and I feel good. I can find pleasure in the mundane or very simple things. But it took a really really long time to get there. And I fucked up several dating scenarios and friendships along the way. He has real work to do on himself. You also mentioned he was deployed. Do you think he is suffering some ill effects from that?

No, he was only deployed in the USA (just away from family/XW).

I appreciate your prospective. My sister is like that too and shes not there yet...i hope she does get there somebday!

[Deleted]

Oct 20, 2014 16:01:58 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Oct 20, 2014 14:31:54 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

awww thanks bullygirl979 I probably had about five "false starts" along the way. I still sometimes notice myself slipping back, but overall I'm so much happier with my life. My family says it's like being around an entirely different person. Just wanted to give some perspective!

@pdx18 -even though we haven't seen each other much (which we need to remedy!) I can also say I notice a big difference, too! Cheers and high fives, girl!

Awww thanks lady!!! And yes we do! I'm really open all this week. I want to hear all about your travels and wedding and other excitements!