Ok, school me. People think it's racist if someone is asked if they are the nanny because the children don't appear to be the same race as the adult? Is it racist if someone is asked if they're the nanny when they are the same race as the children?
The way I see it.
You are white with white kids. You get asked if you are the nanny. It probably means you look young.
Black with black kids. Same.
Black with white kids. They are assuming you are the staff. Stereotypes. Racist.
White with black kids. Odds are, people won't ask if you are the nanny. They will likely ask "where you got them". Which is ignorant and weird.
But I am white so talking out of my ass.
But see, this logic is what I take issue with. You ascribe different motives to the speaker based on the color of skin of the mother and kids. This is different than what Nugget was saying, where the issue is that they were assumed to be staff, regardless of who had the dark skin and who had the light skin.
Ok, school me. People think it's racist if someone is asked if they are the nanny because the children don't appear to be the same race as the adult? Is it racist if someone is asked if they're the nanny when they are the same race as the children?
There are probably racial undertones. Like I said, it doesn't mean they're overtly racist but it does mean that they are making assumptions based on somebody's race and that's not real kosher either. People usually ask if you're the nanny because you somebody don't look "right" as a mother. And that's usually either because you look too young to be the mother, or are of a different color. And I would bet that minority mothers with "white looking babies" are asked if they're the nanny far more than white mothers with minority or "minority looking" babies. Like Papie said, usually they get asked where they came from (as in "where did you adopt them from?")
And folks are speaking to the OP. Like I said before, nobody came in here and said that all people who see people of different races than their children and asked that question are racist.
Thank you. I absolutely agree that there are racial undertones in situations like this.
Nugget, I was typing at the same time as you. I'm not trying to egg you on. I really was responding to the question of *all these kinds of comments* because several posters have given examples of when it happened to them in similar circumstances.
As I said, I do see the distinction you and Elle explained about her thought to be staff in this situation, and do believe it's possible that it was a racist assumption in this situation.
But it was NOT in similar circumstances, because most people talked about how they as a white mother got asked that about their white baby.
I don't want to have a long, drawn-out argument with you, NB. I was specifically thinking about the several mothers who mentioned this happening to then because they do not look like their biological children.
I was once a nanny for 2 children who were half AA & half Caucasian. Mom was AA.They were very fair with Blonde hair & blue eyes. I was at a park with Mom & kids when two ladies started going on & on about how nice it was to see a Mom out with the nanny & kids. Then they asked me how old MY kids were. I was 22, Mom was 40. They them refused to believe she was the Mom.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 19:38:43 GMT -5
Then we are back to disagreeing, because you are assuming that asking a person if they are a nanny is racist in some interracial situations but not in others, strictly based on who had the darker skin color, mother or child.
I think of someone like my poor grandmother-in-law, who has no filter and not a racist bone in her body, but doesn't see a whole lot of interracial relationships. She would ask a question like this without thinking, regardless of if the mother was black with white children or the other way around just because she likes to make conversation, get friendly, and get to know people
Stupid and possibly probably racist. I had someone ask if my daughter was mine and after I already told her yes she later said "no, really, is she yours?"
I asked her if she wanted to see the birth pictures. Folks are ignorant.
ETA: rereading this thread, that was suppose to say probably.
Then we are back to disagreeing, because you are assuming that asking a person if they are a nanny is racist in some interracial situations but not in others, strictly based on who had the darker skin color, mother or child.
I think of someone like my poor grandmother-in-law, who has no filter and not a racist bone in her body, but doesn't see a whole lot of interracial relationships. She would ask a question like this without thinking, regardless of if the mother was black with white children or the other way around just because she likes to make conversation, get friendly, and get to know people
My friend was asked this same question about her son (he's Black, too, but was an infant so wrapped up in a blanket) and a woman asked her if she was the nanny. We both assumed it was racist b/c we were in an upscale predominantly white area and the woman might have assumed that a Black family couldn't afford to live there, so this must be the hired help. My guess is that OP was in a similar situation.
nuggetbrain, what you are saying makes a lot of sense and answers my question well. Thank you for explaining.
I don't understand why you and Emilie are getting what I'm saying and Captain just keeps talking about everyone not being racist and her grandma's not racist and what about when people speak Dpanish to her?!?!
I AM AT A LOSS. THIS IS A RED LETTER DAY.
Because I'm not trying to prove I'm right. I just wanted some information.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 20:40:04 GMT -5
Nugget, you started our by saying it "ABSOLUTELY has racial undertones" and agreeing with elle, who said, "of course it's racist."
I'm saying it *may* not be racist. It certainly may be, but not absolutely. But I think a hard line to draw in the sand when we say it's okay to notice and comment on color and color differences on one hand and then declare that the same statement has absolutely has racial undertones in one situation and not in another, when the only thing that changes is who has the dark skin, mother or child.
This isn't a situation where the color of the speaker has changed, which I agree can absolutely change the tone of a comment. It seems that in this situation, the claim of "racism undertones" is being used as a precursor to outright racist behavior and attitudes, and that's what I disagree with.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 20:43:08 GMT -5
I realize what I'm saying may be really hard to follow at this point, because I feel like we are on the same page that it was a shitty comment and might not even be a racist one, but are down to semantics.
Can we just agree that it never should have been asked and leave it at that?
Nugget, you started our by saying it "ABSOLUTELY has racial undertones" and agreeing with elle, who said, "of course it's racist."
I'm saying it *may* not be racist. It certainly may be, but not absolutely. But I think a hard line to draw in the sand when we say it's okay to notice and comment on color and color differences on one hand and then declare that the same statement has absolutely has racial undertones in one situation and not in another, when the only thing that changes is who has the dark skin, mother or child.
This isn't a situation where the color of the speaker has changed, which I agree can absolutely change the tone of a comment. It seems that in this situation, the claim of "racism undertones" is being used as a precursor to outright racist behavior and attitudes, and that's what I disagree with.
What? Now you're commenting on a completely different issue.
Of course it's natural and ok to recognize that people are different races. It's not ok to assume things about people, i.e. that someone is the help, based on their race.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 20:51:44 GMT -5
Wandering, I never said it was.
I'm *disagreeing* with Nugget and Papie's assertion that if a person asks a white mom of a black kid if she's the nanny it's because she's young, but if the same person asks a black mom of a white kid the same question it's because she's black and the questioner is racist.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 20:53:56 GMT -5
No, it's in quotes because I think it's the same thing add saying racially motivated or racist. I don't see how you can say it *absolutely* had racial undertones but may not be racist.
I'm *disagreeing* with Nugget and Papie's assertion that if a person asks a white mom of a black kid if she's the nanny it's because she's young, but if the same person asks a black mom of a white kid the same question it's because she's black and the questioner is racist.
STOP. FUCKING. BEING. HUNG. UP. ON. RACIST.
I want to. Please explain the difference to me between racial undertones and racist.
Post by midnightmare81 on Oct 20, 2014 20:58:16 GMT -5
My mom was asked the same thing when I was a kid. She is mostly Italian with dark hair and dark eyes. Lightly tan complexion. I'm 1/2 Norwegian with blonde hair and green eyes.
She was pretty hurt She was 36 when she had me and I am the only child she had
ETA- People suck. I'm sorry they had to suck in your direction today
People are idiots. I got the opposite once, "are they yours?"
Yes you jackass. I had my first at 7.
I get this with my SDs too. I was in high school when they were born and SD2 has the same coloring I do. When they were little I got a lot of funny looks and once a mom glanced at me and told her teen daughters that this is why they weren't allowed to date. Whenever we were in the south though I never got dirty looks, just comments like "your babies are so cute!!" I thought that was interesting.
Isn't this a classic case of racial micro-aggression? The white woman assumes that Auberge is not a mother like her. She assumes a black woman is there to help the white children. I mean, being a nanny is not a bad thing - I was one - but her assumption puts Auberge in the lesser position.
I think Miso is right; "Why do you ask?" is a polite way to point out that the person asking this question should be embarrassed for asking it.
People are idiots. I got the opposite once, "are they yours?"
Yes you jackass. I had my first at 7.
I get this with my SDs too. I was in high school when they were born and SD2 has the same coloring I do. When they were little I got a lot of funny looks and once a mom glanced at me and told her teen daughters that this is why they weren't allowed to date. Whenever we were in the south though I never got dirty looks, just comments like "your babies are so cute!!" I thought that was interesting.
You don't understand the difference between viewing things through a racially distorted lens due to your own prejudices or assumptions and believing that a black woman could only be the nanny because that's all black women are good for?
Who said that's all black women are good for? That is a wild/extreme conclusion to jump to.
I don't see the difference between viewing things through a racially distorted lens due to your own prejudices or assumptions and racism. In fact, that's kind of how I define a racist person.
You don't understand the difference between viewing things through a racially distorted lens due to your own prejudices or assumptions and believing that a black woman could only be the nanny because that's all black women are good for?
Who said that's all black women are good for? That is a wild/extreme conclusion to jump to.
I'm the calmer more politically correct side of NuggetBrain, but even I can't with this. What the fuck? Read a damn history book.
You don't understand the difference between viewing things through a racially distorted lens due to your own prejudices or assumptions and believing that a black woman could only be the nanny because that's all black women are good for?
Who said that's all black women are good for? That is a wild/extreme conclusion to jump to.
I don't see the difference between viewing things through a racially distorted lens due to your own prejudices or assumptions and racism. In fact, that's kind of how I define a racist person.
Post by Captain Serious on Oct 20, 2014 21:31:16 GMT -5
Nugget, I don't want to keep upsetting you, so I'm going to let this drop. I believe I am understanding what you are saying, but we differ on two points:
I would include behavior you typically would clarify as not being racist but having racial undertones into my definition of racism; and
I also think that it isn't fair to specify that the comment absolutely has racial undertones when the mother is black and the child is white, but another meaning altogether when the situation is reversed. My position from the beginning is that if the statement could mean something not related to race in one situation, it could also have a similar, non-racially-motivated meaning even when the mother is black and the child is white.
You disagree with this, and I get that. As I said, can we just agree it was shitty and move on?