Advice about my sister: the serial monogamist (long)

[redredwine]

I'm at a loss about what to do about my sister.

She's a few years older than me (I'm 33, she's 36) and we've always been pretty close, with a few bumps along the way. Background on her: She's always been the "sister on a pedestal" and can almost do no wrong (yes, I've talked about that in therapy), has an amazing 8 year old daughter from a past long term relationship (dad is somewhat in the picture) and my parents have footed the bill for the past 8 years or so while my sister decided what she wanted to be when she grew up (she finally just got her first teaching job). Anyway:

For the past 4 years, she's basically jumped from one relationship to the next...either the guy breaks up with her, so she hops online and meets someone in a week and gets serious or she grows tired of the guy-citing he has too much baggage and she "just wants to be single" and then hops into something else like a week later. It's exhausting. She tends to last anywhere from 4- 9 months dating, with VERY little time in between. Yes, that means around 5-6 "serious" (like OMG! He's AMAZING! at the beginning) boyfriends. I've met all but 1 and have always gotten along well with them. She "took a break" from her last boyfriend in April. She had a laundry list of things she was over about him, but never really shared it with him, citing she just needed some space and time to focus on her and her daughter. She never actually even broke up with him, just like, stopped talking to him. Cause that's mature. Basically-she tends to repeat behavior over and over. I really tried encouraging her to go to counseling to get her to find the root of hte problem so she can find herself in a healthy relationship instead of repeating the same mistake over and over again. But she "doesn't believe in counseling" (though she's a psychology major?!) 

In the meantime, this summer in August I posted that I was really hurt she decided not to go to my (destination) wedding this summer because she got a new job and "felt it wasn't worth her time because it wasn't going to be fun" Yes, those were her words. I never quite got over it and she's never apologized. She tends to be very selfish with her thinking and this wasn't super surprising that she did this. 
I've tried to just get over it and work past it with her as life is too short, you know? 

Fast forward to September, when she was coming up to visit me. She bought a match.com subscription this summer that was about to expire so she "felt obligated" to use it. Of course. Things have been a little strained between us since the wedding-like, I don't go out of my way to call her. She called me one night and said "OMG! Guess what?! I met the most AMAZING GUY!!!! He's so perfect! I've never met anyone like him" bla bla bla. Cue the words I hear her say every time. 
I rolled my eyes, as she went on and on about him, emphasizing several times how well off her is, how nice her dresses, what kind of car he drives, etc. It seemed oddly superficial, but I know she's all about it as every other guy she's dated has money issues.
I told her my honest feelings :
"Hey, that's great you're happy. But call me in at least 6 months or a year when this guy sticks around. You get excited about this at the start of EVERY relationship and you've hopped around so much the past 4 years. I thought you wanted to take time for yourself, time to focus on your daughter. I honestly am not excited about meeting another guy that we'll get attached to that will inevitably end".
My parents are of course supportive, so I'm looking like the bad guy being like "good for you. I don't approve of you serial dating" She doesn't realize that she always gets this excited at first.

I go to find out he was married for 17 years (he's 39). He separated in March. He hadn't even filed paperwork (as of today, I believe he has). 17 years and he's out on the market dropping the L bomb on the second date? 

Then last week, she drops the bomb on me. They're moving in together in DECEMBER! With my 8 YEAR OLD NIECE?!?!? She's moving into his "great place downtown" where my niece will finish out the school year at her current school then have to move to another school district. 

They've been dating since early September. When I saw her around the end of September, they had been on TWO DATES. He also travels several days a week, so it's not like they can spend every minute together.

She defends it by saying "they're already old enough and are too anxious to wait-they need to spend the rest of their lives together starting now" (aka-she wants to be knocked up in a year, of which he said it will have to be in vitro for some reason due to his health issues?) 

They've known each other for 6 weeks and they're moving in together in 6 weeks. He's not even officially divorced yet. She has a 8 year old daughter. 

I'm not OK with it. I don't approve and I'm pissed, hurt, annoyed. 

I don't know how to deal with it. Keep to myself that "I told you so" when it's over? Pretend to be happy for her when I'm really not, just so I'm not the "bad guy". I think my parents-who are sweet and normally level headed-are totally fine with it. Blow 1 was my wedding...Blow 2 is this. I just can't handle my sister lately. 

Any advice?

[peppermint]

okay that was long and i admit i skimmed a little in the middle, but i think what i'm hearing you say is that your sister is moving in with a dude she's only known for a short while and she has an 8 year old. this is not okay, and i think that's the point you're making here (along with your sister seemingly making poor decisions).

i think the only thing you can do is tell her why her moving in with someone she barely knows is a safety concern not only for her, but more importantly, her 8 year old daughter. unfortunately, we can't control others, but we must do what we can do - and that is to genuinely and appropriately express your concern for their safety and overall well-being.

hugs. keep us posted.

[calle28]

Oh man, what a mess.

Honestly, there really isn't much you can say or do. She won't change her mind and you'll look like the bad guy. I wouldn't say anything, what's the point?

Hopefully she'll come to her senses in the next 6 weeks?? Your poor niece!

ETA: I remember the drama with your wedding. She sounds very selfish. But she's not going to change. Gotta MYOB. Sorry.

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 15:42:03 GMT -5 mp said:

Man. That sucks. I feel like the only thing you can do is state your feelings, and stay silent if you want to keep a relationship with her once you've said things. (Which it sounds like you have already.)

This would annoy me even without the daughter - but since she has a kid I'd be fuming internally. It's her life, but bringing a kid into it would piss me off enough that I wouldn't be able to stay quiet.

Thanks. That helps as I'm just like at a "WTF" point with her.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel every time I think about it. 

It's funny-when I first found out about them dating, I kept telling her "You know, you really need to wait to bring R (daughter) in the picture this time. She gets really attached." and she was like "OH, yah, I totally am taking it slow this time. I even told anyone that I was talking to on match that I wasn't going to sleep with them until at least 6 months. I'm going to take my time."

So, by taking your time, you mean, introduce R on date 3, move in together on date 9? I mean, I get being excited, but when a kid is involved? Even jojoandleo wouldn't move in that fast.    (jojo-I only joke because you joke about being a fast "mover-inner")

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 15:46:25 GMT -5 peppermint said:

okay that was long and i admit i skimmed a little in the middle, but i think what i'm hearing you say is that your sister is moving in with a dude she's only known for a short while and she has an 8 year old. this is not okay, and i think that's the point you're making here (along with your sister seemingly making poor decisions).

i think the only thing you can do is tell her why her moving in with someone she barely knows is a safety concern not only for her, but more importantly, her 8 year old daughter. unfortunately, we can't control others, but we must do what we can do - and that is to genuinely and appropriately express your concern for their safety and overall well-being.

hugs. keep us posted.

Yah. I tend to write REALLY LONG drawn out posts. But you got the jist. 

Thanks everyone...I'm going to lay low for a while. Unfortunately, my bday is this week, so I know she'll call me and I have to see her in a few weeks as I'll be in the same area and staying with her. Guess that means I'll be meeting the fiance!

[peppermint]

Oct 20, 2014 15:52:50 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Oct 20, 2014 15:46:25 GMT -5 peppermint said:

okay that was long and i admit i skimmed a little in the middle,

Yah. I tend to write REALLY LONG drawn out posts. But you got the jist. 

Thanks everyone...I'm going to lay low for a while. Unfortunately, my bday is this week, so I know she'll call me and I have to see her in a few weeks as I'll be in the same area and staying with her. Guess that means I'll be meeting the fiance!

lol i do the same thing - i'm just supposed to be working and thought i'd respond even though i didn't read the whole thing. it's a crappy situation no matter how you slice it - good luck, and sorry you're dealing with this!

[pitterwoo]

That sounds similar to DH's sister. We know from experience that she always jumps all in with new relationships and saying anything just gets us shut out. So I think you have to be quiet, but try to stay connected with your niece and be a consistent adult in her life.

[jojoandleo]

Oct 20, 2014 15:50:39 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Oct 20, 2014 15:42:03 GMT -5 mp said:

Man. That sucks. I feel like the only thing you can do is state your feelings, and stay silent if you want to keep a relationship with her once you've said things. (Which it sounds like you have already.)

This would annoy me even without the daughter - but since she has a kid I'd be fuming internally. It's her life, but bringing a kid into it would piss me off enough that I wouldn't be able to stay quiet.

Thanks. That helps as I'm just like at a "WTF" point with her.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel every time I think about it. 

It's funny-when I first found out about them dating, I kept telling her "You know, you really need to wait to bring R (daughter) in the picture this time. She gets really attached." and she was like "OH, yah, I totally am taking it slow this time. I even told anyone that I was talking to on match that I wasn't going to sleep with them until at least 6 months. I'm going to take my time."

So, by taking your time, you mean, introduce R on date 3, move in together on date 9? I mean, I get being excited, but when a kid is involved? Even jojoandleo wouldn't move in that fast.    (jojo-I only joke because you joke about being a fast "mover-inner")

Lol-no offense taken!  I am the fast mover!  HOWEVER, even WITHOUT a kid-this seems too fast.  HE ISN'T EVEN DIVORCED!  It's one thing if they are both adults, single for a while, and moving fast.  I mean, not the best idea, but they are adults.  But throw in recently SEPARATED?  Yeah, bad idea.  Add a child in, yeah, no.  Jojo "fast mover" Leo, does not approve. 

[jojoandleo]

Also-I get the MYOB comments. I would MMOB, to a point. If she ASKED if I approved, I would be HONEST. Sure, it probably won't change her mind, but maybe it will at least give her a second thought. If not THIS go around, maybe next.

I would distance myself.

[Deleted]

I'm WTFing all over the place at your sister. As you know I have a niece (okay second cousin) who's parents make continued bad decisions. I'm not nearly as close to them as you are to your sister, but I've learned to focus my efforts on what I can control. I cannot control the decisions they make, but I can make sure G gets exposed to arts and culture and is taught manners. I can teach her how to advocate for herself and know that she is loved. I can be that stable force in her life. I can praise her for the good and not stand for poor behavior when she is with me.

I would distance yourself from your sister emotionally. Sort of nod along, change the subject and not get involved for your own sanity. But I would stay on good terms with her so you can be there for your niece. God knows she's going to need you.

I'm sorry about all this it totally fucking sucks.

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 16:34:20 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I'm WTFing all over the place at your sister. As you know I have a niece (okay second cousin) who's parents make continued bad decisions. I'm not nearly as close to them as you are to your sister, but I've learned to focus my efforts on what I can control. I cannot control the decisions they make, but I can make sure G gets exposed to arts and culture and is taught manners. I can teach her how to advocate for herself and know that she is loved. I can be that stable force in her life. I can praise her for the good and not stand for poor behavior when she is with me.

I would distance yourself from your sister emotionally. Sort of nod along, change the subject and not get involved for your own sanity. But I would stay on good terms with her so you can be there for your niece. God knows she's going to need you.

I'm sorry about all this it totally fucking sucks.

Thanks. Solid advice as usual @pdx18! The hard part is living so far away from her! I did get her some goodies on my recent trip, as I try to do on every trip, so I'm excited to send it to her. 

Between N's half sister's donation campaign to lipo and my own sister, WTF IS GOING ON WITH OUR SISTERS!!! Luckily, Nevada's other 3 seem to be quite normal and drama free.  

[Wanderista]

I'm sorry, she sounds like a basket case. I can understand being really annoyed about how she acted about your wedding. It sounds like you probably haven't fully worked out your feelings about that. I know that's a different issue than her relationship-hopping. She sounds whacky but I agree that giving her space is probably the way to go.

[Deleted]

Wow, there's really nothing you can do. Is her daughter's dad in the picture? I can't imagine that he would be too happy about his kid moving in with a stranger! If it was just your sister it would be one thing, but wow, I can't believe she's moving her daughter in with him too.

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 16:52:02 GMT -5 letsgetweird said:

There's nothing you can do. It's just the way she is.

I'm not really understanding why you feel hurt about this decision though. I understand being frustrated and annoyed.

I think I'm more hurt by her behavior related to my wedding, more frustrated and annoyed by the speedy relationship thing. I'm probably letting one affect the other, I'm sure. 

[redredwine]

Oct 20, 2014 16:52:16 GMT -5 @bk said:

Wow, there's really nothing you can do. Is her daughter's dad in the picture? I can't imagine that he would be too happy about his kid moving in with a stranger! If it was just your sister it would be one thing, but wow, I can't believe she's moving her daughter in with him too.

The dad is somewhat in the picture but lives across the country and there's no court involvement, so she calls the shots. He was a mess for a number of years but has his life together more and has always made an effect to at least regularly call his daughter a few times a week. I have a feeling she just won't tell him about it and she'll have my niece "withhold it" from her dad. Healthy!

[Deleted]

Oct 20, 2014 15:50:30 GMT -5 @stpete said:

I think you mind your own business. She has already shown you she doesn't value your opinion or advice. Stay out and distance yourself from her. I would let your niece know you would love to see her and keep in touch so you can be there if she has problems. But you are not going to change your sister.

Exactly.

This is the reason I don't speak to one of my sisters.  I don't approve of her life choices, so we don't speak.  Makes life so much easier.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I've learned that the best I can do in situations like this is to tell my sister (because my youngest one has made a lot of bad decisions) "I love you but I'm worried about this situation. I'm here if you need my help with something but this is all I can offer you right now." Because anything else is met with a serving of myob.

[Deleted]

Oh boy. Seems like she has issues.  Sadly, she has a child she's dragging into this too.  You've expressed your concern and that's about all you can really do.  Try and distance yourself and maybe get your parents to see the light and help talk some sense into her as well.  Sorry.

[thejen626]

Oh dang redredwine , I'm so sorry. I would be so upset.

How do your parents feel about her and niece moving in so quickly?? Does this guy have kids?

I'd bet he's had a vasectomy and that's why they need to do IVF.

Your sister sucks. You have every right to be upset about the way she acted during your wedding, and to be genuinely worried about her decision making skills. This won't be good for your niece

[Mrs.Rad888]

Since December is still a couple of months away, I think the best you can do is to cross your fingers that she gets bored of the relationship before they actually move in. Or hope he decides to forgo the filing of divorce papers and get back together with his wife.

[Deleted]

I am a bit late to this.

Have you told her you are worried about her moving in with him so quickly? Or have you just said your think you mentioned in the OP about things "inevitably" ending?

If you haven't talked to her specifically about your worries regarding your niece and moving in together quickly, I think it's fine to say something. But I'd approach it from a place of love and concern, not judgement. Honestly, if what you said in your OP is actually what you said to your sister (and not just your thoughts behind what you said), it was pretty harsh, even if it was true. I don't know of anyone who would take that kind of reaction to heart and be like "oh, she's right!". She probably just got defensive with the way it was worded. Also, I agree that it's likely this won't work out - but it could. You don't KNOW that it won't, so saying that difinitively would also just put her on the defense. Instead I'd try to approach it in a softer, loving way and say you hope this one DOES work out but that you are really worried about her and especially about your niece, and talk through the benefits of moving slower. And then you've done all you can and should MYOB.

That being said, I am sorry your sister has treated you the way she has and I 150% understand why you'd react that way to her and why you'd be upset. I am NOT saying you did anything wrong, just that maybe what you've done so far isn't the most effective way to get your (correct) point across.

And I think it's super shitty why she said she didn't come to your wedding. WTF. I recall your post over the summer and I don't blame you for being upset with her still. It's one thing not to be able to make it, it's another not to even try because you just don't care enough...which is the way she made it sound.

[redredwine]

Thanks everyone-

@buckybells-

I expressed my concern when she initially told me about them dating, and even after date 2 it seemed to be very serious. I was pretty blunt about it and also expressed a "well, I just wonder when it is going to end"
I hadn't talked to her much the past few weeks, so I called her while I was at the airport last week, on my way out of the country (figure I should call family, right?). She texted me after the call to tell me the news, since she couldn't tell me in person as my niece was there, who didn't know about it yet. I immediately was like "Uh, what's the rush" but did follow it with a "Hey, I say this because I love you, but I'm concerned." She justified it as they're "getting older and need to do this now vs. later?"I just responded with "OK." I was too shocked to say anything else.

You're right, she's naturally going to get defensive, so I need to approach it in a "hey, I care about you but here's why I'm concerned kind of way". I'm still not ready to talk about it as I know I'LL get defensive and angry. I did tell her my honest feelings about the wedding comments/not going when it happened, but she never apologized and I need to say something because I'm still holding onto that anger. This kind of put me over the edge with her and I'm honestly just over her right now, but she's still my sister-I don't want to cut off a relationship with her completely, I just need space.


thejen626
I had a good conversation about it with my parents last night. They met the guy this past weekend. They said they liked him, he said all the right things (of course he did!) and did all the right things, but they too think that they think it's too fast. Though she's in her later 30's-what can they do, in their opinion? My dad actually asked him "What's the hurry?" and of course he gave the "we're so in loooovveee and we need to start our lives together" and all that BS. My parents were mostly concerned with how he's going to adapt to living with my niece, as she's already a bit of a handful (and I guess she's started acting out again, obviously for her mom's attention and to test boundaries). I guess he started "condo shopping" shortly after they met, as his lease was up in November. He picked out a 3 bedroom in the same area as my sister with the intention of them living together WEEKS after they met. WTF?! This guy seems to remind me of my XH where he rushes into EVERYTHING and that drove me nuts, but sister has a "We only live once!" kind of mentality.

It's hard-my parents are wonderful parents who serious practice unconditional love with us-they're SO supportive (often TOO supportive where it becomes enabling), so they're trying to accept it and give them the benefit of the doubt, while at the same time it's a "Time will tell" kind of thing. My mom is pretty concerned for my niece and actually had a nice talk with her last week, trying to get her to open up about how she feels. My niece and my mom are VERY close, so I hope this continues and my mom is a safe confidant for my niece to express her feelings to. I'm grateful my parents live so close to my niece and are a strong presence in her life.

[stephreloaded]

I don't think I would be able to stay quiet. I would tell her what are your concerns regarding your niece and how fast everything, give her some advice then back off. Most likely she won't follow your advice but at least you know you tried to warn her.