I am not a scrooge for not going along with this, right?

[v]

My parents are going to England/Scotland for 21 days in May-June.  My father will happen to turn 65 while they're there, but that's not why they're going (they go on a comparable trip of that duration at that time every year).  I don't have their itinerary yet (because they aren't going for a while), but they're planning on driving around to a lot of places and not staying anywhere for more than a night or two.

My sister has come up with the idea of us (meaning, her family of four and my husband and me) surprising my parents on their trip -- for some short portion at the tail end that would include time in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere that my dad lived in in high school and London.  I want to say no, for the following reasons:

1.  My best friend lives in London.  I go every year.  I'll very likely go next year because my best friend will have a new baby.  But I'd want to build that trip around my best friend's availability (and make it far away from when she visits the US).  

2.  My parents live 40 minutes away from my sister and an hour from me.  So we see them a lot and it seems odd to travel so far to surprise people we see all the time?

3.  I think if they wanted company on the trip, they'd invite us?  Even if they don't see us as an intrusion, I think we'd be a distraction -- instead of doing what they wanted to do in London, for example, they'd have to adjust the activities to be kid-friendly.

4. I hope to have a new job by then and god only knows what the vacation situation will be. (Particularly because if I start this job in/before January, there will already be a pre-planned vacation I'll have to negotiate).

5.  Even if I could go work-wise, I'd only want to go for like 4-5 days, and with a redeye and all that, being in 2 destinations hours away from each other over that time sounds stressful.

6.  I enjoy London, but I've been there enough times that I wouldn't want to do the things my parents want to do (they haven't been in about 15 years, so their list of planned activities is somewhat first timer).

I wonder if this makes me a bad person though because:

1.  I will almost definitely go to London next year.

2.  I would very much like to go away over Memorial Day (well, if work permits), perhaps to Europe.  That would overlap with the trip, although it won't overlap with the dates my sister wants to go (she wants to go the weekend after Memorial Day ... over Memorial Day my parents will probably be in the middle of nowhere in England or Scotland -- not a city we can fly to).

I think I'm worried about this primarily because my sister can be prickly (to say the least) and I wouldn't be surprised if she flips out at me for turning down a family "vacation" in favor of a vacation of my own choosing and wanting to go to London to visit my best friend rather than my parents.  (Note also: I have a suspicion that my sister wants to intrude on my parents' trip because she's looking for an excuse to go).

Am I a bad daughter if I nix the plan?

 

[sa]

I don't even need to read all the reasons to not go. This sounds like a trip that your parents like taking as a couple. If they wanted you guys there they would have suggested you tag along. Surprising someone on their vacation, which most likely has some sort of itinerary, does not sound like a good idea to me.

[smock]

Making it a surprise sounds like a bad idea. You could suggest asking your parents if they'd like to coordinate a celebratory birthday drop-in since they might say no!

[Miss Phryne Fisher]

No. This is your parents vacation, you guys horning in on it would be annoying at best. You are right.

[Susie]

Oct 20, 2014 17:08:57 GMT -5 v said:

2.  My parents live 40 minutes away from my sister and an hour from me.  So we see them a lot and it seems odd to travel so far to surprise people we see all the time?

3.  I think if they wanted company on the trip, they'd invite us?  Even if they don't see us as an intrusion, I think we'd be a distraction -- instead of doing what they wanted to do in London, for example, they'd have to adjust the activities to be kid-friendly.
 

I'm Team Nix It based on these alone.  The rest are icing on the cake.  What you choose to do with your vacation time is a separate and not-relevant issue.

[aurora]

I wouldn't do it as a surprise. If you think there's any possibility you and they could enjoy a joint vacation (that would also match reasonably well with your terms), I'd start talking to them about it now so you can coordinate.

I love my parents and enjoy traveling with them. I still wouldn't want them to show up randomly on an international trip I had planned out for H and me.

ETA - in my family there wouldn't be any hurt feelings if I were to ask: "Hey, Mom and Dad, would you like us to meet up with you in Edinburgh for a couple of days to celebrate Dad's 65th?" and receive either a yes or a no response.  So I would personally just ask.  But not all families are OK with that.

[Deleted]

I love the detailed lists in your OP. This is a classic "great in theory, ok (at best) in execution" idea. Nix this now!

[msmerymac]

Don't tell her you're going on a trip at a different time. Just tell her that surprising someone on a trip (and this isn't, like, 2 weeks of laying on the beach, this is a specific itinerary) is a bad idea.

ETA: I was in Europe over my mom's 60th birthday this year. She was home. So I wasn't able to call her (I don't have a phone that works internationally). No one died. I just sent her a card before I left.

[charlotteandwilbur]

My parents are the types that would make it absolutely clear if they wanted us to join them for a vacation, so I can't ever see just dropping in.

I think it sounds like a bad plan and I wouldn't worry about your sister's reaction. That's a lot of money to spend on a trip you're not at all excited about.

[WinterWine]

Not a Scrooge. Vacation time is precious when you are working, my parents would want me to use it doing things I want to do, not obligatory trips. I'd skip this for sure and let your parents have their own vacation.

[lilibet]

I agree, if your parents wanted you there they'd have said something. I'd be annoyed if I were your parents and had already made my plans (even if my plans were purposely very vague) and then suddenly had to change them because all these people decided to surprise me. Especially factoring in the kids.

Plus, your vacation time, your decision how to use it.

[cheezer]

Surprising someone on vacation sounds like a horrible idea. I'm feeling angry right now just at the thought of someone intruding on my plans.

[Deleted]

I'm 100% sure my either of my parents would be happy for me to surprise them on a trip. But of course, only you know your parents. But if this trip doesn't fit in with your plans, then I wouldn't feel guilty not going. You can celebrate your dad's birthday when he gets back. 

[L]

Oct 20, 2014 17:50:05 GMT -5 cheezer said:

Surprising someone on vacation sounds like a horrible idea. I'm feeling angry right now just at the thought of someone intruding on my plans.

I agree!

[ECB]

No, you're not a scrooge. And you don't have to tell your sister that you plan on going next year. That's not the issue. And if she's prickly, so the fuck what? This isn't her money or her time. It's yours. She doesn't get to dictate how you spend either. ESPECIALLY when you're parents may not be thrilled about this and that you all see each other alot as it is.

[meij]

I think it sounds like a terrible idea..
I'd burst into tears on the spot if anyone surprised me on any type of vacation.

[dexteroni]

Not a Scrooge. That sounds like a terrible idea for all the reasons you listed.

"I won't know if I can go until pretty close to the date, so I'm just going to say no instead of having it hanging over both of us. If you and BIL still want to go, that's up to you. But I mean...mom and dad planned this trip as a couple. If they wanted us there, they would have invited us. And I'm sure they'll have plans that they'll be looking forward to. I doubt they're going to want to cancel those plans and find kid-friendly activities on zero notice.

But sure...go if you want to." lol.

ETA: Or if you don't want to get whether she should go or not, the first line is really all you need to say. It depends how much you want to bother getting into it with her.

[ECB]

Coming back to this.  As for discouraging your sister's idea, if you don't want to do that because she's "prickly", that's fine.  

But as far as you going- keep it simple.  "We aren't going to be able to go".  She presses for why - still keep it simple.  The less you tell her, the less holes she can poke.  

Do NOT go into the whole thing about your friend and going to London, etc.  Again, that's entirely not her business and, of anything, that will give her tons of ammo for priorities, family, etc.  

Vacation time from work/ money is the furthest I'd go - and still, that's none of yoursisters business.  

[v]

Oct 20, 2014 19:57:16 GMT -5 ECB said:

Coming back to this.  As for discouraging your sister's idea, if you don't want to do that because she's "prickly", that's fine.  

But as far as you going- keep it simple.  "We aren't going to be able to go".  She presses for why - still keep it simple.  The less you tell her, the less holes she can poke.  

Do NOT go into the whole thing about your friend and going to London, etc.  Again, that's entirely not her business and, of anything, that will give her tons of ammo for priorities, family, etc.  

Vacation time from work/ money is the furthest I'd go - and still, that's none of yoursisters business.  

Well, it's kind of a damned if I do/damned if I don't situation.  If I don't explain now, there is a good chance that all hell will break loss when I *do* end up going to London at another point in the year and/or if I go somewhere besides London in May.  (And an "I don't have time/money" excuse would go right out the window when I go on other trips).  Sure, none of this is her business but that sometimes doesn't matter much when her wrath is upon me. 

[ECB]

Oct 20, 2014 20:18:23 GMT -5 v said:

Oct 20, 2014 19:57:16 GMT -5 ECB said:

Coming back to this.  As for discouraging your sister's idea, if you don't want to do that because she's "prickly", that's fine.  

But as far as you going- keep it simple.  "We aren't going to be able to go".  She presses for why - still keep it simple.  The less you tell her, the less holes she can poke.  

Do NOT go into the whole thing about your friend and going to London, etc.  Again, that's entirely not her business and, of anything, that will give her tons of ammo for priorities, family, etc.  

Vacation time from work/ money is the furthest I'd go - and still, that's none of yoursisters business.  

Well, it's kind of a damned if I do/damned if I don't situation.  If I don't explain now, there is a good chance that all hell will break loss when I *do* end up going to London at another point in the year and/or if I go somewhere besides London in May.  (And an "I don't have time/money" excuse would go right out the window when I go on other trips).  Sure, none of this is her business but that sometimes doesn't matter much when her wrath is upon me. 

Eh, I hear you. From this point, then I guess I would focus more on "I'm not comfortable crashing their trip".  ANd try to find a way to not let her wrath bother me.    I know, I know.  MUCH easier said than done.  

[vanillacourage]

She wants to surprise your parents on their romantic celebratory vacation by asking them to modify their plans to accomodate not only other people, but specifically jet-lagged small children?  I would be PiSSED if someone did this to me. You have better sense than your sister. 

[flatlan]

I also think this is a terrible idea.

[AAM2012]

No way!!

Could you not mention your potential trip next year to visit your friend and when it comes up you could play it as a last minute trip that you had no idea you'd be doing?