If you cut someone out of your life...how long did it take

[hopenotlost]

for the pain to go away?  

My MIL is a monster.  We are done with her.  My heart still hurts though because my girls lost a grandma, but one that never ever cared about them.  

So how long did it take for you to not think about the situation, to be hurt/angry about it?

[rubytue]

Daily guilt? Honestly, that went away fairly quickly. I think it was a few weeks of disbelief of what just happened, but within 2 or 3 months the fog of depression lifted and I realized just how much she was affecting me.

Occasional guilt? Well, it's been 13 years and it still comes up about once or twice a year. Although guilt might not be right. More just mourning what should have been. She does lay the guilt on, but I try not to let it be guilt. I can't be guilty for putting myself and my mental health first. Nope. I won't let her delusions of reality control what I do.

[lime]

To completely go away? A long time. Maybe 5+ years.

But I also had people, most noticeably my sister, who kept pushing me to rekindle the relationship.

If it makes you feel any better, my grandparents didn't care about me either. And I lost nothing by not having them in my life.

You are doing your girls a huge, huge favor by teaching them that people cannot treat you poorly. This is an excellent lesson for them to see.

[hopenotlost]

lime I keep telling myself that we are doing them a huge favor. My oldest (she's 7) notices when "grandma" doesn't pay attention to her or her sisters. She points out how "grandma" favors her cousin. It breaks my heart. We attempted to talk to MIL about things, but she just pushed us away...it really does hurt. I think a lot of it is because when I was a kid, my grandma preferred one of my cousins over the rest of us, and I swore up and down I wouldn't allow that for my children. But then it happened, and it pissed me off.

So yeah...I'm definitely not losing anything by cutting her out, and our lives will be better without her. But I'm just...ugh. I hate having so many emotions.

[Susie]

I never really know what it means when people post here about "cutting someone out" because I've never seen or done it actively. It sounds so dramatic! I have a grandfather, an uncle, aunt, and cousin with whom I have no relationship, and haven't seen in years (decades?) in spite of laughable geographic proximity. But there was no "cutting out," no falling out, no drama attached, just a bunch of emptiness and nothing where I wish there was something. But they had other priorities in their lives, "favorites" if you prefer, and it was not worth getting into it, so I didn't and neither did my dad (whose family it is). Sort of like, I let friendships fade when it's time, but I don't call someone up and declare that I'm ending the friendship. I spend my time with other people and family members with whom I have good relationships and dwell on that instead.

[lime]

Yeah, it's hard. Really, really hard. I like to think of all the crap I won't miss - like the dysfunctional family Thanksgivings. And all the guilt over the holidays and the underhanded passive aggressive comments.

Your emotions will settle down and you won't feel so torn, eventually. It will get easier and you will feel more sure about yourself.

The first time you hear from a 3rd party about something absolutely awful that she did, you'll have a huge sense of internal relief. And maybe the slightest bit of glee.

[Deleted]

My grandmother is a heinous bitch. She has told my dad that since I'm adopted I'm not her "real" grandchild and she has some weird mommy attachment to my father and still hates my mother for "taking" her son decades ago. Of course it makes me sad at times, because all of my other grandparents are deceased and I'd really like to have a relationship with her like I had with my other grandmother. BUT, my parents make it incredibly easy because they have also cut her off. It still pains my father and I don't think he'll ever be completely over it.

A little more similar to your situation, my MIL is an addict and we've cut her out of our life. We briefly started seeing her again this year before FIL passed but have since reduced that to once per month or so, and I see us stepping out completely lately.

I'm not sure the pain of ending a relationship with a parent ever goes away completely, especially when they raised you. I know DH still wishes he had some sort of normal family. But not dealing with her drama is a positive life change and a special kind of peace we enjoy.

[rubytue]

Susie - I can give you an example of how I cut someone out. In response to me setting reasonably boundaries (eg lets talk by email so we don't antagonize each other, or I will not continue this conversation when you say those thing), she said "fine! I'll just get out of your life and never contact you again." It wasn't there first time she pulled that line, but that time I said "ok" And held her to it

So, it can be a fade away thing, but often when it's so unhealthy, it has to be a dramatic, explicit "cut."

@hopemotst - I went through a lot of counseling. One thing my counselor worked with me on was writing 2 letters. One, with what I wanted to say ("what kind of mother calls her daughter such vile names ?!") The other with a "nicer" version of what I should say. Things like "I cannot continue this relationship" and how "we get into this vicious cycle where we both say things we don't mean and it's unhealthy for both of us," I mailed the second. And told her I did not want to continue a relationship with her and to please stop calling me. Something yu might want to consider. The second was not quite how I felt, but it was a beter way, acknowledging that we both has issue without stating that her issue was batshit crazy, while mine was her being batshit crazy. (Eta: if you do something like this, I highly recommend getting a counselor to help you/your H. I found mine through my EAP, and we did the whole thing within the free sessions allocated for EAP coursing. Like 4 or 6. It also helped me to have professional validation that she was the batshit crazy one and it was ok to cut out a mother).

[lime]

Oct 20, 2014 21:01:28 GMT -5 Susie said:

I never really know what it means when people post here about "cutting someone out" because I've never seen or done it actively. It sounds so dramatic!  

I'll field this one!! LOL

I do have a number of relatives like you posted about that you were never close to and never maintained a relationship with. And my paternal grandmother sounds almost exactly like papercherri's. 

The only person I actively said I was done with was my father. He's a verbally abusive narcissist and I almost never feel good around him. He's the 7 foot tall giant that is always kicking a puppy, so to speak. 

When it was obvious that my parents were going to get divorced (they were off and on in this stage for about 2 years), I slowly began to come to the conclusion that I didn't want my father in my life. Therapy helped solidify that. Well, I never wanted someone like him in my life. But therapy helped me decide that I would be able to successfully make this choice and stick to it, no matter the consequences. If you have been raised by a narcissist, you know how hard this is. 

He caught me on the phone one time near the end of their marriage when I called to talk to my mom and he was playing the whole "I don't want to let your mom turn you against me card.", which my mom had never done. I told him flat out that the reason we weren't close is that he never wanted me as a child, that he viewed me as an inconvenience in his life and punished me for it daily. (All true.)

He sent me a holiday card that year and a birthday card the following year, but didn't try to initiate any further contact. He did guilt my sister into attempting to guilt me into recontacting him. That was really the only level of effort he was willing to make. 

I'm pretty open about this - despite being very closed about my life in other aspects - because I truly hope it will help other people.  

[Deleted]

Oct 20, 2014 21:01:28 GMT -5 Susie said:

I never really know what it means when people post here about "cutting someone out" because I've never seen or done it actively. It sounds so dramatic! I have a grandfather, an uncle, aunt, and cousin with whom I have no relationship, and haven't seen in years (decades?) in spite of laughable geographic proximity. But there was no "cutting out," no falling out, no drama attached, just a bunch of emptiness and nothing where I wish there was something. But they had other priorities in their lives, "favorites" if you prefer, and it was not worth getting into it, so I didn't and neither did my dad (whose family it is). Sort of like, I let friendships fade when it's time, but I don't call someone up and declare that I'm ending the friendship. I spend my time with other people and family members with whom I have good relationships and dwell on that instead.

That's a good way to do it, unless your family member is crazy and won't allow the relationship to fade.

[hopenotlost]

Thanks for the responses.

Susie It all boils down to her blatantly treating my girls like they mean absolutely nothing. One of them wanted to sit on her lap, and she said no and pushed away, and instead picked up DH's niece (her favorite grandchild) and put her on her lap. Posting passive aggressive things, mainly to make digs at us.

[Susie]

Yeah... I guess I still just don't understand, but that's ok. I'm really not looking for an explanation. Just sharing my own experience.

To the extent that I made it sound like things were pleasant with the family we lack relationships with, that's a glossing over, and to say we never had relationships with them isn't really accurate either. We did, until my grandmother (sort of the familial glue) died. Then shit went south, as shit does, and shit was said, that wasn't really recoverable. We all got ditched for my grandfather's new wife's family. I'm sure it was really hard on my dad. I mean, it's his dad FFS. But still with the active cutting out, I guess I just don't understand the sort of situation that demands it, or is helped by it, over just declining to return calls, to respond, to engage, etc. It seems simpler and less hurtful that way. But I am sort of 'less is more' sort when it comes to all that.

[cheezer]

I didn't have a dramatic cutting someone out of my life incident. However I needed to do it to remain healthy myself, even though many others did not understand or found me cold.

I didn't really feel guilt just some occasional anger & sadness at this is not how relationships are supposed to be.

[rubytue]

Oct 20, 2014 21:24:32 GMT -5 papiercherri said:

Oct 20, 2014 21:01:28 GMT -5 Susie said:

I never really know what it means when people post here about "cutting someone out" because I've never seen or done it actively. It sounds so dramatic! I have a grandfather, an uncle, aunt, and cousin with whom I have no relationship, and haven't seen in years (decades?) in spite of laughable geographic proximity. But there was no "cutting out," no falling out, no drama attached, just a bunch of emptiness and nothing where I wish there was something. But they had other priorities in their lives, "favorites" if you prefer, and it was not worth getting into it, so I didn't and neither did my dad (whose family it is). Sort of like, I let friendships fade when it's time, but I don't call someone up and declare that I'm ending the friendship. I spend my time with other people and family members with whom I have good relationships and dwell on that instead.

That's a good way to do it, unless your family member is crazy and won't allow the relationship to fade.

Totally agree here. It works fine with mean, but sane people. It works when both sides are just angry and bitter. It does not work with crazy.

Signed,
The girl who had to explain to the police man at the door why a missing persons report was filed for failing to return a phone call.

[ECB]

This is kind of to what susie is questioning.  We have this one couple that we "cut out" of our lives, but it was a SLOW process.  Our entire friend group basically "ousted" them.  But they had also moved 3 hours away so it made things a LOT easier.  But from the time they moved to the last time I saw or talked to either of them was probably about a 2 year process.  And it's been about 5 years since the last contact.  So we cut them out, but it wasn't really ONE moment or anything drama filled.

These were friends of over a decade.  People who we really considered close friends at one point.  The issues we had built up over time and they just simply hurt enough people enough times that we were all basically "done" with them.  Nothing to quite the extreme that you dealt with, OP.

For awhile there would be times that I'd miss them.  But now, 5 years later.  Good grief.  Me, my DH, many of my friends - our lives are just simpler and nicer w/o them in it.  They just created strife and hurt people.  While I can remember some of the good times, we just so do not miss the negativity and it's just NICE.

[wildfloweragain]

The timeframe depends on a lot of things. I have friends who I have cut out, an ex boyfriend who I cut out completely and think about daily (not in a romantic way.) Family who I have very limited contact with.

With family and having kids involved, I'd say that is the hardest because kids and their grandparents stuff keeps coming up as reminders. You just have to remember that your reasons were good ones.

[tine]

You'll be glad you did it in the long run. For me, it was never a day to day guilt but ignoring phone calls was hard sometimes because the person I had to cut out had very few others to turn to. The guilt crept up again years later when something happened but went away again quickly. I've questioned my choice sometimes but have never regretted it. The hardest actual decision I had to make was not inviting this person to my wedding. After I made it I was happy and so were the people who meant the most to me.

Good luck to you and your family. You are being a good mama to take this pain away from your girls! If they want a relationship later, they can always initiate one.

[Pom]

I am sorry this is happening to you, hope and all of the posters here.

We'd go long spells in the past without talking to or seeing FIL, but we never made the complete cut. But I can certainly appreciate the need to do this. :::sigh:::

[pinkdutchtulips]

whenever dd hits a milestone of sorts it comes back in a HUGE wave ... as in omg another event that her dad is going to miss bc he made some REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD choices.

we (dd, the dogs and I) left a year ago ... at first it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders then the reality set in on how much he would miss and it made me sad and angry.

a year out and it still bothers me but only on rare occasions, not a daily thing. I'm sure in due time, it'll all pass but for now as dd grows up,  I'll be painfully aware that there are moments when her dad SHOULD be here but he's not.

[ssmjlm]

Oct 21, 2014 8:22:06 GMT -5 Pom said:

I am sorry this is happening to you, hope and all of the posters here.

We'd go long spells in the past without talking to or seeing FIL, but we never made the complete cut. But I can certainly appreciate the need to do this. :::sigh:::

This is us, but with DH's brother.  We've minimized contact enough that despite them living nearby we rarely see them and only at big family events.

It truly came down to a safety issue though.  Once we had a kid it was so much easier to remove the toxic.  I feel sorry for him, but he's made his choices.

[Deleted]

OP-to be honest, I don't think it ever does get easier. I had to cut out my siblings because they like to cause all sorts of drama ALL.THE.TIME. Its very hard because my mom always tries to mend fences--though I think its starting to sink in after I made the mistake of trying to create a relationship for my DS's sake and it blew up once again. My one sibling is a very bitter and jealous ahole and will do anything to make you unhappy. Unfortunately, they rallied my other sibling (to do the dirty work--gossip, call my parents, etc). So its 2 against 1 and they will NEVER take responsibility for their actions.
I feel sad all the time when I hear about people doing things with their siblings or even when I hear my parents did something fun with my own.
I try to remind myself that I can only control my own actions and I will shield my DS from it. When I tried to create some sort of relationship after cutting them out the first time, H saw just how mean and nasty they were. He had tried to remain neutral about it, but now he doesn't even like to be around them. Is your H supportive of cutting his mom out?

ETA-its a lot easier to cut someone off or drift away when you have no one in common.

[laurensmomma]

I have cut out a grandma (mine) and a best friend. For both, I was angry for like a year afterwards. I still think about both often, but it's been 14 years and 12 years, respectively, and so the pain is gone.

Eta: my mother tries to mend fences every once in awhile between her mother and I, but her actions were unforgivable,  and so my mom is wating her time. That is the only time I get sad about it, because it makes my mom sad.

[WinterWine]

I have cut my Mom out of my life at two different points. She is not mentally well and is incredibly emotional abusive and toxic. Throughout my life, she has said and done things that no parent should ever say/do to their child. Bottom line is in order to protect myself and my mental wellbeing, I cannot have a relationship with her. Though unfortunately it hasn’t always been easy to completely stop contact due to pressure from other relatives.

At both points where I have cut her out, I have made it clear that I am done having a relationship with her and have asked her to not contact me moving forward. The pain gets better over time (my periods of no contact have lasted around 2 years each), though I still have guilt occasionally (Holidays, when prodded by my Grandpa – her father). I would strongly recommend going to therapy – it has helped me a lot to realize that I can put protecting myself emotionally above the “needs” of others to see/contact me.

I will say that if your MIL is the crazy type to ignore these requests, it makes it more challenging. My Mom is that type. Despite blocking her phone numbers and on all social media, she will still reach out through other people or call from random phone numbers. She also consistently sends emails to my old email (I created a new one that I use for everything else after cutting her out). She will also send letters through other family members and send flowers to my work. These things make the guilt/emotions all come back, but hopefully you won’t have to deal with that. Sorry for the verbal diarrhea, this has been therapeutic for me. (I had to see her this weekend after 2 weeks of no contact in order to see my ill Grandfather – crazy family is the suck

I wish you and your H strength and peace with this decision. You are doing the right thing to look out for the emotional well-being of yourselves and your girls, though it certainly is not easy.

[Mrs.Rad888]

I cut my bio dad out of my life 20+ years ago. It wasn't because he did anything, actually it was because he never did anything. All the work in maintaining the relationship fell on me, and one day when DS was a baby, and meeting the family for the first time, it suddenly occurred to me that bio-dad had never really been a dad to me, while step-dad had really been my dad for those 20 years. I didn't have to do anything as far as blocking e-mail or anything like that, I just stopped making any effort to have a relationship, and he apparently didn't care enough to try to keep it going. I hadn't heard from him in 20+ years, until a few months ago, when I got a Facebook friend request from him. You don't so much as call me for 20 years, and want our first contact in all that time to be on Facebook? Fuck that.

[doobeedoo]

I think when it is extended family or family you don't see/speak to that often, the fading away is a possibility. There doesn't need to be a singular event in those cases and to have one would be unnecessarily dramatic. But when the person you wish to cut out is your mother, father, sibling...and that person does not simply fade away, you may need to communicate what your plan is or else they will simply not get it.

I think a big factor in these scenarios is that the toxic person has no idea just how toxic he/she is and doesn't pick up on cues that they're doing major damage. Or if they do, they don't care...both equally problematic. This is why you may need to have that "cutting you off" event--because they won't just back off.

[hopenotlost]

Oct 21, 2014 12:06:42 GMT -5 flygirl said:

OP-to be honest, I don't think it ever does get easier. I had to cut out my siblings because they like to cause all sorts of drama ALL.THE.TIME. Its very hard because my mom always tries to mend fences--though I think its starting to sink in after I made the mistake of trying to create a relationship for my DS's sake and it blew up once again. My one sibling is a very bitter and jealous ahole and will do anything to make you unhappy. Unfortunately, they rallied my other sibling (to do the dirty work--gossip, call my parents, etc). So its 2 against 1 and they will NEVER take responsibility for their actions.
I feel sad all the time when I hear about people doing things with their siblings or even when I hear my parents did something fun with my own.
I try to remind myself that I can only control my own actions and I will shield my DS from it. When I tried to create some sort of relationship after cutting them out the first time, H saw just how mean and nasty they were. He had tried to remain neutral about it, but now he doesn't even like to be around them. Is your H supportive of cutting his mom out?

ETA-its a lot easier to cut someone off or drift away when you have no one in common.

He's actually the one who said it this time.  The first time shit hit the fan, which was about 4 years ago, I'm the one who pointed stuff out and said I was done.  He went along with it.  The second time, he saw it for himself.  His eyes opened and he saw what horrible things his mom was doing (not to us, but to our kids), and he had enough.  So he's not blind to her bullshit.  He has never needed her like his brother and sister do.  He's always been the independent one, so I think that is the biggest reason she prefers the other two siblings over him.  A few years ago she threw in his face that he "left his family."  What she was referring to was him enlisting in the Marine Corps.  She was not a mother to him growing up, she chose her boyfriend over him time and time again, and he actually moved in with my aunt and uncle (this is how I got to know him) for about a year because his mom couldn't stand up to her boyfriend and DH finally walked away.  

When DH was little his mom got into it with her parents about something (I still don't know what it was about) and she didn't talk to them for about 20 years.  DH didn't know them at all.  Only when MIL found out that her mom had cancer and was terminal did she start talking to them again.  Her mom died shortly afterwards.  So really, MIL is a volatile person, and we are definitely not the first people to have an issue with her behavior.  SIL and her DH got into it with her a year ago, but MIL worships SIL's DH so she has sucked up to them ever since.  With us, she doesn't ever try.  She says she thinks I don't care for her.  I do (well I did) but I don't appreciate her behavior and how she treats my kids.  I told her that too, and she couldn't handle it.  

We never see her since she lives about 25 miles away and when she comes to our town, it is to go to walmart or the bank, and we are rarely at those places or are there at different times.  Crossing paths doesn't happen often with her.  My anger towards the situation is what is causing me the most stress, and I am trying to let it go.  I actually feel a lot better today than I have in a long time, and I think it is because I am stronger than I was a few years ago.  My girls are my world and I will not allow toxic people to be around them.  They are much better off.

Sorry for the verbal diarrhea...venting on here is probably the best therapy for me.  

[margarita]

Like tine was saying, I think you will both be glad you did this in the long run. For now though, I would expect lots of tests and "change back" pressure from your MIL. Those will be the times where you both have to be strong and remind yourselves of why this decision was necessary. Therapy can help.

Take care of yourself. You're definitely doing the right thing for your girls.

[hopenotlost]

Oct 22, 2014 9:17:45 GMT -5 margarita said:

Like tine was saying, I think you will both be glad you did this in the long run. For now though, I would expect lots of tests and "change back" pressure from your MIL. Those will be the times where you both have to be strong and remind yourselves of why this decision was necessary. Therapy can help.

Take care of yourself. You're definitely doing the right thing for your girls.

I honestly don't think MIL will come back around.  She deleted/blocked us both on facebook (apparently we are in junior high?), and when we suggested we all sit down and discuss our issues, she refused and instead went with her other kids and grandkids and rubbed it in.  In the past she came crawling back a few months later, but as angry as DH is this time, I think it's done for good.  I don't want to go back to the nonsense, because it's not worth it.  It always ends up in the gutter anyway.

I think I am going to see if I can find a therapist for this situation...it would be nice to talk to someone and really get my feelings out.  Talking to DH is one thing, but it's his mom and i know he feels guilty for having such a shitty mom and her being a shitty grandma.  

[fromage]

We cut out MIL almost a year ago. Initially all I felt was relief because even the thought of seeing her brought on a huge amount of anxiety for me. As the year has gone on, those feelings have mostly turned to anger toward her. We cut her out because of an unforgiveable decision she made and continues to make, yet we hear through the grapevine how hurt she is by us. Prior to finally cutting her out we laid out the ground rules for her if she wanted to mend her relationship with us and have a relationship with her grandchildren. She decided not to follow those. She could have had a relationship with her grandkids but she chose not to for the most vile reason. 

I guess to answer your question, I'm still clearly angry a year later. I don't really see that going away anytime soon. But she comes up less and less often, so those feelings come up less often as well.