Well, this made me ugly cry...

[Kit]

I don't even know what to say. That is so sad.

[lizzard]

Oct 21, 2014 8:04:24 GMT -5 toepick said:

I'm single. Almost 40. And in a position to help one of these children, but I'm too scared that I'm not up to the challenge. So now I feel like a selfish heartless person.

You can do it! Depending on what state you are in, there should be resources available to help you. 

[lizzard]

Oct 20, 2014 22:01:22 GMT -5 isabel said:

Oct 20, 2014 21:58:21 GMT -5 my3boyz said:

The most frustrating thing is that all the comments are about how expensive adoption is. But adoption of older kids through foster care isn't expensive at all. I wonder if people were more informed if it would make a difference.

I was actually just wondering about this after reading that. I've thought a good bit about adoption. We want a second kid, but I'm not sure I want to go through pregnancy again. But the cost has always been a deterrent. I could definitely see looking into adoption of an older child one day.

Do it! It is affordable. Meaning when we adopted our daughters, we did not have any major out of pocket costs (they were all reimbursed). Our daughters also have Medical Assistance, so almost all of their medical care (including therapy) is free. The reason I said "almost all" is because we pay out of pocket for their orthodontia (we might have been able to get it for free, but the nearest orthodontist that took their plan was 30 minutes away, and it was easier for us to pay out of pocket) AND for their glasses (again, we could get MA glasses for free, but we would rather they have glasses that they like and wear). 

[katb]

I read this on facebook and teared up instantly. Ugh, I feel so bad for that kid (and all the others).

[lizzard]

Oct 20, 2014 22:25:13 GMT -5 tacocat said:

I can't even read it. I have just read what is here.

We cannot have our own kids and have been thinking more and more about adoption. I do want to adopt a baby but I have been thinking more and more about adopting an older child via foster or what not at some point too. I hope we are able to.

Definitely keep thinking about it. We ended up not adopting babies, and adopting our daughters when they were 7 & 8. I wish we could have met them when they were babies, and sometimes I wish we also had babies, but I am so happy we were able to adopt our daughters when we did. Our state allows us to work with a private adoption agency to adopt through the foster care system (the state reimburses the agency, so we didn't have to pay more for using the agency). You should see if your state does the same. My husband and I went to a general class on adoption by the agency where we learned about all of the different types of adoption and that was when we decided to put infant adoption on the backburner and go straight to adopting older children. The class was very informative. 

[snowflurry]

very very sad

[eddy]

The other part that makes this more heartbreaking is these poor kids are so broken. the longer they stay in the system the harder it is on them obviously. And with our piss poor mental healthcare many people are scared, myself included, at the idea of taking on the enormous giant of taking a child who has suffered from rejection and lack of stable loving environment during their formative years.

[nomad100]

I just sent this story to DH and apparently this made him ugly cry too. We had been talking about adopting out of the foster system for the last 6 months and are now planning on attending an open house one of the local agencies is having. This story was just the push we needed to get our butts moving on the issue. So while I hate doing the ugly cry, especially at work, thanks kristie for posting it.

While I know the chances of our adopting any child currently listed on the agency's site are small, there is a 7 yo girl available for adoption who wants to be a cowgirl and loves dogs (and I then ugly cried again after reading her profile since the little boy in the article was 7 so I pictured her holding her report card).

[Deleted]

How heartbreaking.

This could so easily have been my nieces had H and I not been in a position to take them in. I need to remind myself of this on the days that I am so overwhelmed and sure that I am screwing them up (along with my own children).

[05heel]

Oct 21, 2014 9:27:18 GMT -5 Que? said:

This is what my Dad did for a living for many years. He would transport kids through the system, sometimes over and over. His 'Stephen' was named Cameron. He was in our home many times. He was never adopted, and he would spend holidays with us, and his birthdays sometimes. He had a positive end, he came to my Dad's funeral with his own kids, but I know there were so many who weren't as fortunate.

That broke my heart, for real. It's been a long time since I've cried like this over a stranger.

Both of my parents were in this field.  My dad was a juvenile corrections officer who worked with serious juvenile offenders, and my mom was a social worker for at-risk mothers and their children.  So many of my mom's cases ended up in my dad's facilities, but there were a few successes here and there.  Not enough though.  My dad is pretty stoic, but one time he talked about how many of his boys are now either dead or incarcerated.  He still knew so many names and their stories, and it was just an all around depressing conversation. 

[autumnfire]

If I could ugly cry at work right now I would. This is just so heartbreaking and you know the cycle will never truly end . I'm greatful that I was adopted and never went into the system like this poor boy. I realize how different my life could have turned out, how it all could have played out differently.

I wish that he could have found his family, that he could have felt loved. I was adopted but adopted into a family with a physically abusive father. But I guess at least I was adopted and stories like this make me realize how lucky I am in it's own way.

Thank you for sharing <3

[rageragerage]

Oct 21, 2014 8:04:24 GMT -5 toepick said:

I'm single. Almost 40. And in a position to help one of these children, but I'm too scared that I'm not up to the challenge. So now I feel like a selfish heartless person.

We are in the final stages to become foster parents with the end goal of adoption.

Babies are awful, so our age range is older. 

It's terrifying, thrilling and debasing.  We have to remind ourselves a lot that we aren't doing this for ourselves, because if we were, we would have quit by now.  Let me know if you ever have questions about the process.

[onomatopoeia]

Does anyone read Rage Against the Minivan (blog)? I have always liked the point she makes with this post and I thought this was good place to put it. (I hope it copies okay, link is at the bottom)

where is the mommy-war for the motherless child?

If you watch the trends of media, whether it be print, internet, or tv, you’ve probably noticed that every couple of months there is a new version of the “mommy war” being played out. Last month’s battle du jour was surrounding moms who work vs. moms who stay at home. Today, a firestorm has ignited over a provocative photo and article in Time magazine about extended breastfeeding and attachment parenting. These manufactured mommy wars are predictable because they tend to provoke strong reactions from mothers who feel judged, as well as mothers who want to feel superior for their choices. A litany of analysis, outrage, and defensiveness usually follows. Women tear each other down, while the entity responsible for initiating the battle reaps the benefit (whether it be a hot debate on a talk show or a political playing card). The insecurities of women surrounding their parenting choices are frequently pawns in the ratings game, and I think the most recent Time magazine article and photo of a preschooler breastfeeding are intended to incite such a reaction.

I don’t much care if you breastfed your kid until they started kindergarten, or if you fed them formula from day one. I don’t really care if you turned your infant car-seat forward-facing prior to age 2, or if you homeschool, or if you send your kids to daycare while you go to work. Do you cosleep? Did you circumcise your son? I DON’T CARE. Do you babywear? Push your kid around in a stroller? Use a leash for your kid at Disneyland? Whatever. Good for you.

When it comes to issues of motherhood, there is one issue I care about: some kids don’t have one. All of these petty wars about the choices of capable, loving mothers is just a lot of white noise to me, Quite honestly, I’m often astonished at the non-essential parenting issues I see moms getting their panties in a wad about. Particularly when there are so many kids in this world not being parented at all.

This is the only mommy war I’ll wage. I’m confident that most mothers are doing the best that they can for their kids, even if their choices are different than mine. I think it’s ridiculous that so much energy is spent on debating largely inconsequential parenting decisions when so very little attention is given to the children who DON’T HAVE PARENTS. Why isn’t this causing outrage? Making magazine covers? Inciting ranty twitter posts?

This is the war I’ll be involved in: We, as a society, are not doing enough to protect at-risk and motherless children, both in our country and globally.

(Because apparently we’re too busy worrying about that kid whose mom gave him formula).

The kind of war I’ll get behind will advocate for kids with bigger issues than a mom who goes to work. Or doesn’t.

I’ll get upset about the fact that LA County’s family court system is so atrocious that they recently allowed press into court hearings for minors, in the hopes that this might finally provide some accountability for social workers who aren’t doing their job. Let me repeat that: social workers are so understaffed and/or screwing up so badly that reporters are allowed into confidential court proceedings in the hopes that it will shape them up.

I’ll be disturbed by the 18-year-olds I regularly see on adoption photolistings who, despite being old enough to live independently, place themselves on national photolistings because they desperately want a mom and a dad in their adult life. Because, in one teen’s words, he "wants to become a member of a permanent family".

I’ll whine about how, when we called our Christian agency about a healthy African American boy from LA county who was in need of a home, we were told that they had no prospective adoptive parents willing to accept a placement of a black child. NOT ONE.

I’ll get my panties in a wad about a system that requires foster children to be placed in an adoptive home for 6 months before terminating parental rights, regardless of an absence of reunification efforts by the birth parents. I’ll be angry about how this scares away prospective adoptive parents, and hurts children by leaving them in a limbo even after years of no contact or even abandonment by their birth family. I’ll rant about how children whose parents have failed them should be made legally freed for adoption AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, so that more people would be willing to step forward and adopt.

I’ll get behind complaining about how the government renames orphans and calls them "wards of the state", and renames orphanages and calls them "group homes", and how we collectively turn a blind eye to the fact that we have hundreds of thousands of children waiting for families in the US.

I’ll be appalled over how many children around the world will age out of orphanages, due to lack of paperwork or other factors that make them ineligible for adoption. I’ll continue posting about the deplorable conditions of third world orphanages, and the developmental challenges that neglected children will face.

I’ll fight for the moms who don’t have access to prenatal care, or for the moms who have to abandon their children because of poverty. I’ll be mad that such inequities exist, and I’ll support organizations that help change it.

The only mommy war I support involves moms banding together to talk about the number of children in our world who are missing out on basic human needs. Security. Love. Affection. Let’s wage a war about that. Not everyone can adopt, but we can all do something. Even if it’s just using our voices for something more productive than personal parenting choices.

Let’s stop quibbling about what competent mothers are choosing for their kids, and step it up for the kids that don’t have one.

Read more: www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2012/05/where-is-mommy-war-for-motherless-child.html#ixzz3GnamN5sh

[revolution]

That makes my hart hurt and cry.

My dad was an orphan. He was never adopted and never in foster care. He stayed in an orphanage. The stories he told broke my heart. I was always so proud of him for how he managed through that. He did credit the orphanage for saving his life though. He said without it he would've never gone into the navy and never to college or had a hour and family. He said it saved his life and that he would've been on the streets and a drug addict or dead if he didn't go there. So that's something, I guess.

[ggirl]

I work with adoptions case workers, through the foster system. Sadly. This type of story is more the norm. Adoption placements can get disrupted so easily. There's also not enough resources to surround the family with all the supper they need to be successful. It's so depressing.

[cheeseandcrackers]

[bobotron3000]

I started to read it but broke down when I got to his belongings in a garbage bag so I'm going to wait until I get home.

My friend does foster care and just adopted a little girl through it. It has been so hard on her and her family but to see this beautiful little girl in a loving family is amazing.

I have no interest in biologically having a child but I'm trying to talk DH into fostering and possibly fostering to adopt. I am especially interested in older kids but it is scary and I don't know if I can convince DH.

[jess]

This is heartbreaking

[kdmac]

I just left a position in child welfare and the number of children I saw on this path was heartbreaking. In our province we have special needs adoption days twice a year and videos are shown to prospective parents. The amount of kids that get passed over and are led into prostitution and drugs by 12 and 13 drove me out of that field. It was too heartbreaking.

[8675309]

Fuck, I have a huge lump in my throat. I cannot even imagine what that poor child went through. 

SO in this boys case, he was sent from home to home repeatedly? Why? Pardon my ignorance but are foster parents just discarding these kids or is this a system issue? Why be a foster parent if that is your intention? If you are signing up to foster, you should be damn near ready to hold onto that child for as long as legally possible right? Am I missing something?

[melmel48]

I grew up with the author. When she posted it I couldn't get through the whole thing. I was crying every time I tried.  Knowing her, I can see all of this happening. We were not close friends, but she is such a friendly, sweet person I am not surprised this boy considered her his best friend. 

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

I hate everything.

I hate that the system is so broken that kids are being abused and neglected, with an entire team of professionals screaming it, and nothing gets done. I hate that I've been told by CPS to 'not bother to keep calling, we aren't really going to do anything'. I hate that I've testified in court over a mother not getting her deaf child care, leaving her dirty, and allowing her to run around with baggies of drugs, and Mom got her back that day.

I really hate that the reason CPS is so goddamned useless is because they are way too overloaded, and these kids stay in these situations because they have nowhere else to put them.

I hate that a little girl, who's not even in my clients class, plopped down next to me and, after a tiny bit of prodding she was obviously looking for, told me all about how they have no food and she didn't want to move again.

I super hate that there's no answer here.

[my3boyz]

Oct 21, 2014 9:44:19 GMT -5 nomad100 said:

I just sent this story to DH and apparently this made him ugly cry too. We had been talking about adopting out of the foster system for the last 6 months and are now planning on attending an open house one of the local agencies is having. This story was just the push we needed to get our butts moving on the issue. So while I hate doing the ugly cry, especially at work, thanks kristie for posting it.

While I know the chances of our adopting any child currently listed on the agency's site are small, there is a 7 yo girl available for adoption who wants to be a cowgirl and loves dogs (and I then ugly cried again after reading her profile since the little boy in the article was 7 so I pictured her holding her report card).

That's the thing, the odds are high that this girl will still be available. Just like the boy in the story was available at 7, 9 12 and all the way until he aged out. And he was on Wednesdays child and still didn't get adopted. I think it's great that you guys are considering this and moving forward with the exploration process.

[jellymankelly]

Before I even opened this post, I knew what it was going to be. I read this article at work today and had to go to the bathroom and hide for a few minutes because I couldn't stop crying. It breaks my heart.

[WOT?*]

Oct 21, 2014 8:04:24 GMT -5 toepick said:

I'm single. Almost 40. And in a position to help one of these children, but I'm too scared that I'm not up to the challenge. So now I feel like a selfish heartless person.

I'm married and 50 and adopted my granddaughters who are 8 and 10 (next month 9 and 11). Depending on the state, there are so many resources available. I was able to keep state insurance, despite the fact that we're well-insured with a good income, because the girls had needs that our insurance would only cover to an extent. There are so many benefits to adopting older children, especially those over 13. (Like they would qualify for a lot of college financial aid that we don't qualify for because the girls are under 13 at adoption).  Our state offers cash assistance if adoption puts a strain on the family budget (income doesn't matter as much as income:expense) or continues the foster subsidy, and so much more because they *want* these kids taken care of.

You don't have to be up to the challenge so much as willing to admit it is a challenge and you'll do your best to meet it and be there for a child who desperately needs someone there.  It's rising to the challenge, not *meeting* it, that is so important to these children.

I did foster-to-adopt for the grands and the caseworkers are so amazing for these children. They have to keep their hearts open so much, but closed enough that they don't break with all the stories and complications and hurt these children have.

I wish we could adopt again but having raised four and now raising two grands, it's hard to think about bringing another into the mix that we have currently going on. I intend to re-open my foster license however, in a few years, in order to do respite care and maybe foster another child or three.  It breaks my heart to see these children stuck in the system and feeling unloved and broken.

[midnightsnack]

Nothing hurts me more than the pain of children.