Daycare frustration

[brady2012]

It is hard when they are so young, I feel like DCP err on the side of caution with new infants. I received similar calls with both mine when they were 3 mo olds (two different centers).

Regarding backup care, I believe care.com provides it and also found this company online when I was researching. They apparently has background checked nannies for emergency purposes (24/7) in 15-20 states. www.nannypoppinz.com/agency-locations.html

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:08:59 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 21, 2014 14:55:07 GMT -5 rbp said:

I haven't said anything about paced feeding yet because I was hesitant to tell the DCP how to do their jobs. But now that the pediatrician mentioned it, I really need to do it. Is it too passive-aggressive if I send the teacher an e-mail?

Do not feel bad. 

And the paced feeding is even more important if he has reflux, over feeding or feeding to fast can make him more uncomfortable, right? Blame it on the pedi if it makes you more comfortable. "My pediatrician is concerned about overfeeding/feeding to fast given that he has reflux. I have printed out this reference sheet (KM) to help you."

He's never had reflux before this instance, so I never thought to push the issue.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 21, 2014 15:09:57 GMT -5 rbp said:

Oct 21, 2014 15:08:59 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Do not feel bad. 

And the paced feeding is even more important if he has reflux, over feeding or feeding to fast can make him more uncomfortable, right? Blame it on the pedi if it makes you more comfortable. "My pediatrician is concerned about overfeeding/feeding to fast given that he has reflux. I have printed out this reference sheet (KM) to help you."

He's never had reflux before this instance, so I never thought to push the issue.

Gotcha!

But I would still use this as a reason to address the issue. "I took him in & it's reflux, per the pediatrician you need to feed him this way."

[smock]

I completely understand your concerns about missing work--as you know, I'm in a very similar situation, though my department and field is probably more family friendly (no lab work so I can work from home a lot).

I'm not sure what the solution is. You might end up having to miss a lot of work, or consider a nanny, or figure out some other back-up plan. Or maybe tell your dcp to relax on the pick-up calls. Either way, hopefully things won't be so rough in the future.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:12:01 GMT -5 smock said:

I completely understand your concerns about missing work--as you know, I'm in a very similar situation, though my department and field is probably more family friendly (no lab work so I can work from home a lot).

I'm not sure what the solution is. You might end up having to miss a lot of work, or consider a nanny, or figure out some other back-up plan. Or maybe tell your dcp to relax on the pick-up calls. Either way, hopefully things won't be so rough in the future.

Thanks! What is your teaching schedule like? That's what I'm concerned about. I spend like 10% of my time on research, so if I need to skip or reschedule a day of that it's NBD. But if I'm supposed to be teaching at 12:00 on Wednesday and I can't because I'm picking up M from daycare instead, then we're just out a day of class.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:14:36 GMT -5 @choco said:

rbp, yes au pairs live with you and can only work a max of 45 hours per week. Boo to the no spare bedroom, I mistakenly assumed you did since your mom was staying with you for a bit but now am realizing that is probably M's room now.

Have you called the center on the main campus to see if they have back up care resources? I never had a chance to tour there since they only accepted kids once a year and I needed care ASAP. We found our old sitter on care.com so I trust the site.

TCS doesn't have backup care, but I did just discover that the university's child care network lists two centers that do provide backup care. But does that mean that you can take them there when they're sick? I thought it was more like if your nanny couldn't make it one day or DC had an in-service day.

And yeah, my mom stayed in the nursery. No wonder she drank to excess. LOL

[SJ]

The answer is not that you can't be a professor and a mom.

We are going through this a little bit right now. DD has a cold, and DCP was giving me a little lecture yesterday. She doesn't have a fever, isn't throwing up. She said she might have diarrhea, but her poop is watery all the time?

Anyway, we realized we need a better back up list. Possible inclusions are my mom, SIL, and an older SAHM from our church who lives down the street. I don't know, it's just tough, but I do know the answer is not that one cannot both work and be a parent.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:21:57 GMT -5 SJ said:

The answer is not that you can't be a professor and a mom.

We are going through this a little bit right now. DD has a cold, and DCP was giving me a little lecture yesterday. She doesn't have a fever, isn't throwing up. She said she might have diarrhea, but her poop is watery all the time?

Anyway, we realized we need a better back up list. Possible inclusions are my mom, SIL, and an older SAHM from our church who lives down the street. I don't know, it's just tough, but I do know the answer is not that one cannot both work and be a parent.

I know. That's the frustration talking. But teaching college is a little different because there is no PTO and there are no substitute teachers. 

My MIL could probably take off of work occasionally to stay with M, but I hate to ask someone else to take days off. We have a couple of friends who SAH, but they have their own kids to take care of. I wonder if we could find someone through church?

[smock]

Oct 21, 2014 15:14:38 GMT -5 rbp said:

Oct 21, 2014 15:12:01 GMT -5 smock said:

I completely understand your concerns about missing work--as you know, I'm in a very similar situation, though my department and field is probably more family friendly (no lab work so I can work from home a lot).

I'm not sure what the solution is. You might end up having to miss a lot of work, or consider a nanny, or figure out some other back-up plan. Or maybe tell your dcp to relax on the pick-up calls. Either way, hopefully things won't be so rough in the future.

Thanks! What is your teaching schedule like? That's what I'm concerned about. I spend like 10% of my time on research, so if I need to skip or reschedule a day of that it's NBD. But if I'm supposed to be teaching at 12:00 on Wednesday and I can't because I'm picking up M from daycare instead, then we're just out a day of class.

Right now I teach T/W/Th in the afternoon, but only for 75 minutes each day (and daycare is 10 minutes away--so far I haven't had to pick her up early though). Next semester will be longer teaching days, like 11-5 on T and 11-3 on Th. But fortunately Mr. Smock is only about 20 min. from daycare and has a flexible schedule, which makes all the difference.

Canceling classes happens all the time for lots of good and not-so-good reasons; assuming your dcp stops calling you 50% of the days M's in dc, canceling a few times a semester really shouldn't be a big deal. You might even be able to design your syllabi to have some flexibility. 

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:32:04 GMT -5 smock said:

Oct 21, 2014 15:14:38 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks! What is your teaching schedule like? That's what I'm concerned about. I spend like 10% of my time on research, so if I need to skip or reschedule a day of that it's NBD. But if I'm supposed to be teaching at 12:00 on Wednesday and I can't because I'm picking up M from daycare instead, then we're just out a day of class.

Right now I teach T/W/Th in the afternoon, but only for 75 minutes each day (and daycare is 10 minutes away--so far I haven't had to pick her up early though). Next semester will be longer teaching days, like 11-5 on T and 11-3 on Th. But fortunately Mr. Smock is only about 20 min. from daycare and has a flexible schedule, which makes all the difference.

Canceling classes happens all the time for lots of good and not-so-good reasons; assuming your dcp stops calling you 50% of the days M's in dc, canceling a few times a semester really shouldn't be a big deal. You might even be able to design your syllabi to have some flexibility. 

Oh yeah, canceling a *few* classes will be NBD. But it sounds like Brie took 10-20 days of PTO in C's first winter? That's like a quarter of a semester.  :-# I don't know what I would do if we had a winter like that.

I thought that teaching was supposed to be family friendly. I guess I didn't appreciate what DC would be like.

[magpie]

That sounds pretty intense. My guess is that it will get better as they get to know your child and you get to know them. Plus, he'll get bigger/more robust. Maybe they are being extra, extra cautious because he is little now? I hope it gets better and I would definitely try and respectfully communicate the paced feedings/nothing to worry about message you got from the pedi.

It sounds like having a good backup care plan might be something to look into. My H is a prof and I work at a high/middle school, so we can't get out of work easily without a plan (I can hire a sub, at least, but even that is a huge PIA). Does your university have a work/life office or program? My H's uni has one and they have a sick child/backup care program (it's contracted through a local nanny/care company). We haven't used it yet, but we did register just in case. We also make a lot of use of grad student (and very responsible undergrad student) babysitters (a woman in his department keeps a list of them and circulates it with other faculty members in the university). Ask around to see if you have anything like this. We've assembled a good set of resources from asking other faculty members with kids who have been through it all.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 21, 2014 15:30:48 GMT -5 bailarina said:

I would look hard at backup options, at least for days you teach (not sure if that is every day). Even if you don't want to commit to a nanny full-time it would be helpful to have a few people willing to be on your call list in a pinch. In my area there are always college students who only have Tuesday Thursday classes or something who are happy to pick up extra money but not willing to commit to the kind of availability they would need to be full-time nannies.

I was going to suggest this as well.

Also, I'm not sure how many classes you teach per day rbp, but I would say you're less likely to get a call before lunch time so you might want to schedule your classes for earlier in that day if you can.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:37:33 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

Oct 21, 2014 15:30:48 GMT -5 bailarina said:

I would look hard at backup options, at least for days you teach (not sure if that is every day). Even if you don't want to commit to a nanny full-time it would be helpful to have a few people willing to be on your call list in a pinch. In my area there are always college students who only have Tuesday Thursday classes or something who are happy to pick up extra money but not willing to commit to the kind of availability they would need to be full-time nannies.

I was going to suggest this as well.

Also, I'm not sure how many classes you teach per day rbp, but I would say you're less likely to get a call before lunch time so you might want to schedule your classes for earlier in that day if you can.

Our classes are basically scheduled by seniority, and I'm the second most junior member of the department, so I get the dregs, i.e., 12:00 and 1:15 classes. (wilted)

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:37:43 GMT -5 bailarina said:

I want to add that my oldest was in a daycare for 4 (partly winter) months and I never got a call to pick her up. She was sick just once that kept her home. So hopefully this is just a blip and you are getting the hiccups out of the way early. But if it were me, I would feel better knowing I had a backup plan anyway.

Ok. I'll talk to H about backup care, and if things get particularly bad we may have to leave DC altogether and go the nanny route instead. Thanks for the reassurance!

[pinotgrig]

Re: back up care does your university have sororities? I have a great list of back up sitters from the local chapter. Each year, the members create a spreadsheet with their contact info and availability each day of the week and circulate it to the alumna each year. It might be worth reaching out to their advisor and see if they have something similar.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:43:14 GMT -5 pinotgrig said:

Re: back up care does your university have sororities? I have a great list of back up sitters from the local chapter. Each year, the members create a spreadsheet with their contact info and availability each day of the week and circulate it to the alumna each year. It might be worth reaching out to their advisor and see if they have something similar.

Thanks for the idea, I would have never thought of this!

[catsarecute]

I'm a worry wart and this would make me insane. If they were calling so much about things that ended up being fine, I would still be stressed about if the baby was doing okay from one day to the next. And the 3 bottles in 3 hours? HELL NO. That is way over the top in my opinion. If they did that to DD and she ran out of food for the rest of the day, I would be in a pickle as daycare is in the town where I live and I would have to leave work for the day to go get her more bottles.

I hope things work themselves out. I agree with asking them to feed him using paced bottle feeding. I hope that solves some of the problems!

[catsarecute]

Oct 21, 2014 14:55:07 GMT -5 rbp said:

Oct 21, 2014 14:53:50 GMT -5 @upnorth said:

I agree with spk926 if it is something like, "DD was coughing and woke herself up from her nap". Well, yes she has a cough and cold. There is absolutely nothing that anyone can do for her about it so "Thanks for letting me know, let me know if she gets worse" is the route I would go.

That said, I would definitely have reservations about this daycare. They have called you 3 times to pick him up in 7 days for issues like this-it's nice of them to let you know but you are the parent and you get to decide how to proceed. Also, it sounds like they are not listening to your concerns with paced feedings which would be a major issue for me b/c I would not be sending my 10(ish?) week old with 6 ounce bottles.

I haven't said anything about paced feeding yet because I was hesitant to tell the DCP how to do their jobs. But now that the pediatrician mentioned it, I really need to do it. Is it too passive-aggressive if I send the teacher an e-mail?

Their jobs=caring for YOUR kid! When DD started daycare, we were stopping every ounce during a feeding to burp her and take a break to minimize her spit up. She screamed during those breaks but we had to do it. I made sure DC knew that was our routine and they were happy to know it! It makes it easier on them to have a happy baby. It can be hard to speak up but it will benefit you and your baby!

[cricketwife]

rbp I have so many things to say!!  I'm sorry this is so long!

First, just an fyi, you may not be able to schedule shots on a Friday. My pedi doesn't give them on Friday b/c if there is a rxn, it's the weekend and there's just the nurse line, but no one to see you   Not what you want to hear, but just a heads up.

You sound so much like me when we started daycare just two months ago.  I was miserable and always panicked.  They called me to pick him up THE FIRST DAY (which was a Friday) and then the following Friday.  So By 6 days back to work, I had missed two b/c I had to pick up my kid.  GRRRR.  I was panicked that I couldn't work and be a mom and how would this ever work?  But since then, there's only been one other day that he was sick.  So 3 days in two months is more time than I would normally miss, but it's not the end of the world.  And the fact that you're part time, you have the odds in your favor the M will be sick on days that you're off anyway.  I'm saying all this b/c when you first start, it's really easy to go into panic mode when it's not warranted yet. 

It's true that you could have a terrible winter like Brie did, and have to take a lot of time off, and that's when I'd look for a nanny or whatever, but I think you're still really far off from being fired from your job.  It probably doesn't feel like that to you b/c you're super conscientious, but try not to go down the road of "What if?" 

I do think it would be great if you could find some back up plan and/or a nanny/babysitter instead of the daycare.  I can tell you that I had a lot of frustration with our daycare and things are better now, but I still don't love our dcp and don't think I ever will. You said it was your only option; we are in the same boat.  I do think that colors our ability to think clearly b/c we feel trapped by our circumstances. 

Anyway, lots of hug.  It's really hard to juggle everything.  I've find that if I try not to think too far ahead, it actually helps more, which is counter-intuitive to my planning self.

[rbp]

Thanks cricketwife. I'm frustrated about the situation now, but what I'm truly worried about is what is going to happen when I go back to work full time in January. Faculty at my institution don't get PTO, and anyway it's frowned upon to cancel a quarter of the term's class meetings.

[rbp]

Oct 21, 2014 15:54:25 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

I've find that if I try not to think too far ahead, it actually helps more, which is counter-intuitive to my planning self.

And lol because this is literally what I was talking to my therapist about this morning when DC was calling. He sent me a link to a book on mindfulness after our session. So yeah, you nailed it.

[Ashley&Scott]

Oct 21, 2014 15:59:47 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks cricketwife. I'm frustrated about the situation now, but what I'm truly worried about is what is going to happen when I go back to work full time in January. Faculty at my institution don't get PTO, and anyway it's frowned upon to cancel a quarter of the term's class meetings.

But you don't know that you'll cancel that many. Set up a few back up options & you'll be fine. If it were me I would rely on your MIL & also try to find a college/grad student. 

[cricketwife]

Oct 21, 2014 15:59:47 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks cricketwife. I'm frustrated about the situation now, but what I'm truly worried about is what is going to happen when I go back to work full time in January. Faculty at my institution don't get PTO, and anyway it's frowned upon to cancel a quarter of the term's class meetings.

Oh, yeah, I wasn't focusing on the fact that you'll be full time in January.  It is hard in your position.  I would give it some time to truly weigh  what your options are. You may decide that the price of a nanny is worth your peace of mind.  Good luck.  I know that it's hard.

[barefootcontessa]

I do not know.  A very young baby with blue extremities and cold to the touch -- I think they did the right thing calling us.  Underarm temp of 99 -- wouldn't that be close 100?, which is why they tell you to call the pedi at that age.  I understand your frustration, but it does not sound extreme to me. 

[robot]

The nurse's issues sounds really excessive to me, and I'm usually the breeziest of breezy on most of the daycare issues people post about. Yes, daycares have strict fever cut offs, but there is difference between that and "your kid has something NEAR a fever, so come pick him up". I also remember your post where the nurse basically told you you were required to give him Tylenol that day. WTF? There is no such thing as being *required* to give your kid Tylenol by a daycare provider. For a 99 degree fever, no less. For some reason, I'm irrationally annoyed for you about this! To answer your question, no, I don't think that crazy nurse is par for the course at a daycare. Kids getting sick is par for the course...as is poor napping..some crying..adjustments/struggles in terms of eating. (too much or too little)..and a myriad of other common concerns. But not alarmist nurses...lol

It is true that the first winter may be tough, with actual illnesses (esp since this nurse is calling you even for non-illnesses, argh). But, don't give up hope - perhaps you can find a back-up babysitter? I know how difficult that is..especially finding someone who can care for a sick kid. Maybe a student? I feel for you though. Good luck !

[anna7602]

Oct 21, 2014 14:45:55 GMT -5 rbp said:

Oct 21, 2014 14:44:04 GMT -5 Brie said:

You are both still in the adjustment period. I suspect this won't last forever and they are erring on the side of caution because he's so little.

I won't lie, the first winter was really tough and I used a lot of PTO. It kinda comes with the working mom territory.

I am the first female faculty member at my college to have a baby in ten years. Faculty don't have PTO. It is fine to cancel class if I am sick/baby is sick, but I can't really cancel ten classes in a semester when we only meet 40 times. My H is a medical resident and therefore no help in this matter.

If working part-time is this stressful, I'm sort of thinking I have made a terrible decision. Have a baby or be a professor, but not both.  :-#

(((Hugs))) this is a tough situation.Maybe a nanny would be a better fit?

[lilac05]

I know it seems like the nurse overreacted, especially since your doctor feels that the issue was reflux. But remember 1) your baby has never had issues with reflux before and 2) the nurse was the one who was THERE. Seeing it first hand and jotting a note about it, sending it to the doctor, and then expecting the doc to come up with a definite diagnosis hours later leaves a lot of room for error. Hindsight may be 20/20, but a baby who stops breathing for the first time, for ANY reason, is cause for concern and a trip to the doctor. Yes, usually it ends up being nothing, but it's always good to have it checked right away the first time.

I don't know that you need a nanny necessarily (though most people I know who work full time and have good nannies say they are worth their weight in gold), but you do want to have a backup plan for sick days. Some places have childcare centers specifically for sick kids, so you might want to look into that, too. There is no way to tell at this point if your child is going to be one of the unlucky ones who catches everything or one of the lucky ones who stays healthy. FWIW, DS1 was in daycare 4 afternoons a week for a year and I only had to miss 2 days (if even that...I don't remember) of work because of it, he is VERY rarely sick.

ETA:  DS1 took an 8oz bottle at daycare every day from 3 months on.  I know that's a lot (breastmilk), but that's what he required.  He was a 10lb baby & stayed long & lean (but HEAVY).  He is SUPER active and must have a really high metabolism because he continues to be a big eater at almost 4.  If the paced feedings and other stuff don't work, he may just be a big eater.

[niq]

I wanted to offer commiseration. We have this same problem and are saved by a combination of
(1) msniq's university employer offers backup child care
(2) and sick kid TLC
(3) and I just blow off work because HOORAY ENTITLED TECH EMPLOYEE. Still we had a bunch of sick kid incidents during the past two months, and it just added to stress all the way around.

and yeah cricketwife is wise. Though, for me, the key to not thinking ahead is to know that the plan is already written down somewhere, and therefore i can forget about it. I should give motivational speeches!

[feistypants]

Definitely call the centers that you found that say they do backup care. I know of one center here that has a sick room and will take sick kiddos on a drop-in basis. Also, if you have an eap, try calling them. I know that ours has had options for backup sick care for some friends.

[electricmayhem]

Oct 21, 2014 14:51:53 GMT -5 Brie said:

Oct 21, 2014 14:45:55 GMT -5 rbp said:

I am the first female faculty member at my college to have a baby in ten years. I just can't picture how this is going to go when I'm teaching. I can't really cancel ten classes in a semester. My H is a medical resident and therefore no help.

Not to scare you, but C's first winter in DC was really bad. He was hospitalized with RSV for 5 days, and we also dealt with croup, ear infections, strep, norovirus, and HFM in his first year.

I'd start looking for backup care for sick days then. Or, maybe switching to a nanny FT might be a better fit if both of your schedules are that inflexible.

I'm kind-of glad I read this thread, b/c I thought we were an anomaly--we just moved our kids to a new center in August and my DD (11 months) has missed like a ridiculous amount of days already for all sorts of issues.  Frustrated doesn't begin to cover it, but at least DH's work provides backup for sick care.

And to OP--ditto on finding someone who could possibly cover days when your LO is sick.  I know someone I work with who retired last year, and she offered to be a sick backup on days when we needed it.