Share your Sadz

[just]

I seem to come here when I'm sad but can't talk about it IRL

Anyone else want to share too so I don't feel like I'm hogging all the depression?

[just]

I'll go first ....



I mentioned last week that my dad has Alzheimers. He was diagnosed just over a year ago a couple of months after my mam died of cancer. It's hard mostly because I'm away and my sisters have to look after him.

However, I find that him not remembering me isn't as devastating as it 'should' be. I really don't mind so much that he asks me who I am, why I'm there, etc.

I was really upset when I leaving last time, and he was trying to ask for my phone number. He calls my sisters - CONSTANTLY - probably about 15 times a day. He doesn't remember who they are, that he called, what he wanted to say but he finds some comfort in calling them. When I left, he was trying to ask for my number. He couldn't even remember the words. I can't give him my number because I'm 6 time zones away, and the cost of 15 calls a day would be ridiculous. But it broke my heart to try and refuse/distract/pretend like I didn't understand.

I think I know why it's not upsetting when he doesn't recognize me. Is it because when he doesn't know who I am - I'm just a person in his house chatting to him. But when he had this inkling of something more he was hurting, he knew he wanted more, but didn't even know why or what.

Thanks for listening.

ETA: The song I linked to last week... cos I can't stop listening to it youtu.be/U8TsAh-zYFI

[Deleted]

((Hugs)) I'm sorry.

[winelady]

I'm sorry ((((hugs))))

my sadz. We had to put my furbaby down, it was a year ago in June. It's hitting me hard this week for some reason. I miss him so much.

[just]

Oct 21, 2014 23:22:14 GMT -5 winelady said:

I'm sorry ((((hugs))))

my sadz. We had to put my furbaby down, it was a year ago in June. It's hitting me hard this week for some reason. I miss him so much.

We have dogs and we can't think about the day when one of them won't be around.

Was it a cat, dog, other? Do you have any others to keep you company?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.

[Deleted]

I have spiraled into a deep depression. I saw my therapist today and told him everything. I see my neuro-psychiatrist on Friday.
I think I'm going to stay in Texas indefinitely and not come back to Tennessee until I'm better. My brother has graciously offered his home to stay as long as i want.
I'm so torn amor leaving mh here in Tennessee but I can't get better here

[just]

Oct 21, 2014 23:25:06 GMT -5 @gracie6414 said:

Hugs. Feel what you feel, there is no wrong or right. Your dad sounds well supported.

I, for one, was relieved when my dad finally forgot my number, but we do not have a healthy relationship. For us, mental illness has provided the final cleave between us. It was obviously difficult on me going through it, but how he isn't mad or disappointed in me and I'm not breaking myself in two trying to please.


My reply has no point aside from telling you you aren't alone, and neither is your dad.

The one thing I've learned from lurking here for 6 odd years is an appreciation for the women here. Y'all have dealt with the crappiest of situations. I'm sorry that your relationship is broken/cleaved. But I am thankful that it's been a good move for you. And I really appreciate you sharing it - it does make me feel less alone.

[winelady]

Oct 21, 2014 23:34:54 GMT -5 just said:

Oct 21, 2014 23:22:14 GMT -5 winelady said:

I'm sorry ((((hugs))))

my sadz. We had to put my furbaby down, it was a year ago in June. It's hitting me hard this week for some reason. I miss him so much.

We have dogs and we can't think about the day when one of them won't be around.

Was it a cat, dog, other? Do you have any others to keep you company?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.

He was a dog. A lab named Bullet.  We have 2 other dogs and 2 cats but he was my baby. He got sick and I had a vet appt. for him (Monday) and ended up with ds in the hospital for his appendix. The vet appointment got pushed back, obviously, and by the time dh got him in, there was nothing they could do. I couldn't even tell you what happened. I talked to his vet and he assured me it was the best thing to let him go.  He cried with me .  (love our vet) I didn't get to say goodbye.  I think that was the worst. He was my baby, I chose him, brought him home and he was mine and I wasn't there for him at the end.  I can find comfort that my fil was there and he was his second favorite person next to me.

[just]

Oct 21, 2014 23:36:42 GMT -5 @scar said:

I have spiraled into a deep depression. I saw my therapist today and told him everything. I see my neuro-psychiatrist on Friday.
I think I'm going to stay in Texas indefinitely and not come back to Tennessee until I'm better. My brother has graciously offered his home to stay as long as i want.
I'm so torn amor leaving mh here in Tennessee but I can't get better here

I know that you've dealt with a lot in the last year and I think you need to be gentle with yourself. DH and I have been separated  a number of times for different reasons. It's really hard but sometimes you need a different environment in which to heal. Having said that, when the time is right, your DH can be an important part of that recovery. When you're ready to return to TN, you'll know.

[just]

Oct 21, 2014 23:46:04 GMT -5 winelady said:

Oct 21, 2014 23:34:54 GMT -5 just said:

We have dogs and we can't think about the day when one of them won't be around.

Was it a cat, dog, other? Do you have any others to keep you company?

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.

He was a dog. A lab named Bullet.  We have 2 other dogs and 2 cats but he was my baby. He got sick and I had a vet appt. for him (Monday) and ended up with ds in the hospital for his appendix. The vet appointment got pushed back, obviously, and by the time dh got him in, there was nothing they could do. I couldn't even tell you what happened. I talked to his vet and he assured me it was the best thing to let him go.  He cried with me .  (love our vet) I didn't get to say goodbye.  I think that was the worst. He was my baby, I chose him, brought him home and he was mine and I wasn't there for him at the end.  I can find comfort that my fil was there and he was his second favorite person next to me.

I'm tearing up right now. We've talked so much about how it will happen for our dogs, but this is a good reminder that - damn life can screw that up. I'm cuddling our puppies a little tighter right now because of Bullet, so maybe that means something.

Thanks for sharing.

[winelady]

Oct 21, 2014 23:36:42 GMT -5 @scar said:

I have spiraled into a deep depression. I saw my therapist today and told him everything. I see my neuro-psychiatrist on Friday.
I think I'm going to stay in Texas indefinitely and not come back to Tennessee until I'm better. My brother has graciously offered his home to stay as long as i want.
I'm so torn amor leaving mh here in Tennessee but I can't get better here

I'm sorry. ((((hugs)))) If you think it will help you get better than it's a good decision.  I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Dezi]

So many (((hugs))) for you. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, I'm watching my best friend deal with this right now and it's heartbreaking. Reading this makes all of my sadz seem pretty superficial.

[lilybug]

Group hugs all around. just, alzheimers can be such a unique kind of heartbreak slash giant guilt trip slash huge frustration. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

I have been kinda out of control the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I think I'm sabotaging the good things in my life, and I'm not sure to what end. My mind has wandered to really dark places. And I think I need a new therapist. I saw one, and she was trying to be comforting when she said "Well, suicidal ideation would be expected in your situation, now that you have two children living and two that are dead. The score is tied." The fucking score, excuse me?

[just]

Oct 22, 2014 0:18:35 GMT -5 lilybug said:

Group hugs all around. just, alzheimers can be such a unique kind of heartbreak slash giant guilt trip slash huge frustration. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

I have been kinda out of control the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I think I'm sabotaging the good things in my life, and I'm not sure to what end. My mind has wandered to really dark places. And I think I need a new therapist. I saw one, and she was trying to be comforting when she said "Well, suicidal ideation would be expected in your situation, now that you have two children living and two that are dead. The score is tied." The fucking score, excuse me?

Anyway, rant over. Life is busy and I don't have time for the sadz. They just creep in when I have a moment to think.

I'm glad that you can focus on the present and spend your time on the joy in today. I will say though ... Wtaf to your therapist!

[mrsukyankee]

Oct 22, 2014 0:18:35 GMT -5 lilybug said:

Group hugs all around. just, alzheimers can be such a unique kind of heartbreak slash giant guilt trip slash huge frustration. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that.

I have been kinda out of control the past couple of weeks. Sometimes I think I'm sabotaging the good things in my life, and I'm not sure to what end. My mind has wandered to really dark places. And I think I need a new therapist. I saw one, and she was trying to be comforting when she said "Well, suicidal ideation would be expected in your situation, now that you have two children living and two that are dead. The score is tied." The fucking score, excuse me?

WTF?!!!  Definitely find a new therapist.  That's horrifying.  As a therapist, I apologise on her behalf and all other idiotic people who say such things.  I would suggest, if you can find one, a cognitive behavioural therapist.  And I'm sorry that things are feeling so out of control. Hugs.

And hugs to the OP!

[lilybug]

Oct 22, 2014 3:53:36 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

Oct 22, 2014 0:18:35 GMT -5 lilybug said:

WTF?!!!  Definitely find a new therapist.  That's horrifying.  As a therapist, I apologise on her behalf and all other idiotic people who say such things.  I would suggest, if you can find one, a cognitive behavioural therapist.  And I'm sorry that things are feeling so out of control. Hugs.

And hugs to the OP!

Thanks for the suggestion. I was thinking I should try a new method. It's hard because I have moments when I feel totally fine, stable, rational, etc, and then moments when I'm spiraling the drain. And those usually happen at night. So when I go to therapy or dr appts or see my friends, I don't think anything comes across as serious as it really is.

That probably doesn't make any sense. I need more coffee.

[mrsukyankee]

Oct 22, 2014 4:02:33 GMT -5 lilybug said:

Oct 22, 2014 3:53:36 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

WTF?!!!  Definitely find a new therapist.  That's horrifying.  As a therapist, I apologise on her behalf and all other idiotic people who say such things.  I would suggest, if you can find one, a cognitive behavioural therapist.  And I'm sorry that things are feeling so out of control. Hugs.

And hugs to the OP!

Thanks for the suggestion. I was thinking I should try a new method. It's hard because I have moments when I feel totally fine, stable, rational, etc, and then moments when I'm spiraling the drain. And those usually happen at night. So when I go to therapy or dr appts or see my friends, I don't think anything comes across as serious as it really is.

That probably doesn't make any sense. I need more coffee.

It makes sense to me. I have clients that have those sorts of moments and we work together on how to deal with them.  What I like about CBT is that the client is really involved in the therapeutic process - what you put into it, you'll get back.  There's a lot of work to be done between sessions and so you'll get a chance to write down what's happening in the moment when it's very clear and then discuss it in session.  

[mrsukyankee]

Oct 21, 2014 23:17:40 GMT -5 just said:

I mentioned last week that my dad has Alzheimers. He was diagnosed just over a year ago a couple of months after my mam died of cancer. It's hard mostly because I'm away and my sisters have to look after him.

As someone who lives overseas from parents and friends, I totally get this.  The one thing that the IN board shares with each other is the pain of being apart from family, especially when things aren't going well.  

[Waffles]

I'm so sorry you're going through this just.

My sads seem pretty self centred and irrelevant in contrast (bitches being bitches at work) and me freaking out about next steps in life.

Hugs all around.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry just. Alzheimers is a terrible disease--it fucks with your sense of emotion, and kind of flips the switch on how you feel you are "supposed" to feel. I don't think there is any right response for this terrible disease. Hugs.

[Deleted]

I'll bury my sad here. I've been miscarrying since Monday. Blah. It was early and mostly I'm OK but uncomfortable and disappointed. I need to call my doctor but I've been avoiding it all week because I don't have a private space at work to talk, and by the time I leave, their office is closed.

[marsh127]

Oct 21, 2014 23:22:14 GMT -5 winelady said:

I'm sorry ((((hugs))))

my sadz. We had to put my furbaby down, it was a year ago in June. It's hitting me hard this week for some reason. I miss him so much.

I'm sorry for your loss. I have a similar sadz. On Monday, my husband and I had to make the very difficult decision to put our male cat to sleep. He started having kidney issues last month and we thought we were managing it well, but we found out he won the genetic lottery and only had one kidney. He got really sick again and our choices were to do a difficult surgery in which he had a very high chance for death due to complications or say goodbye and end his suffering. He was only 4.5 years old.

[Deleted]

lilybug I'm horrified by your therapist. You deserve better. I hope you find someone that helps you.

[luckyval]

Serious hugs all around. I am so sorry missusbee, take care of yourself.

just I don't have any words of advice, my heart breaks for you. ((hug))

[Deleted]

Oct 22, 2014 6:50:39 GMT -5 @missusbee said:

I'll bury my sad here. I've been miscarrying since Monday. Blah. It was early and mostly I'm OK but uncomfortable and disappointed. I need to call my doctor but I've been avoiding it all week because I don't have a private space at work to talk, and by the time I leave, their office is closed.

I'm so very sorry; even when it's early it really is sad.

[Deleted]

My sMIL has a weird/rare type of leukemia. I've known for a couple of months but I haven't shared. At first her white blood cell count was staying even but then recently went up. She lives a very healthy lifestyle so when she got the DX, it was shocking. The doctors at first said it was the kind of leukemia that you just watch until it gets bad, and when it gets worse then you start chemo. Her lymph nodes started swelling and she may have to start chemo sooner than she expected. The news just keeps getting worse every time she goes to the doctor as of late.

[Deleted]

hugs to everyone in here ((hugs))

I will send good thoughts to you and your families!

[isabel]

@missusbee, I am so sorry! Take care of yourself.

winelady, I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye. I've been missing my guy lately too. I comfort myself in knowing that he knew nothing other than falling asleep and that he's no longer in pain. But God do I miss that dog. I'm very sorry for your loss.

[justemily]

*hugs* to everyone here...

Nothing specific to add, just been blah in general lately :/

[winelady]

Oct 22, 2014 8:11:38 GMT -5 isabel said:

@missusbee, I am so sorry! Take care of yourself.

winelady, I'm so sorry you didn't get to say goodbye. I've been missing my guy lately too. I comfort myself in knowing that he knew nothing other than falling asleep and that he's no longer in pain. But God do I miss that dog. I'm very sorry for your loss.

thanks. I really miss my guy too. I'm sorry for your loss too.