Lonely.....and constantly thinking about the future.

[shauniemae]

I'm sure this is posted every once in a while...but I'm just regularly depressed, sad, or frustrated when thinking about the future, which I think about all the time. I am not currently dating any one person. Haven't really been on any dates or anything, which is ok since my break up is somewhat recent (end of August/beginning of September). Would I like to? Sure. It just hasn't seemed to work out. I am in therapy, which also doesn't seem very helpful. Just kind of in a lull period.

The 2 biggest things that are bothering me are medical issues and having children. It seems that I'm constantly hurt or sick. I sometimes wonder how I'll manage that in the future. I've already had knee surgery, have arthritis, and right now have been having ongoing back pain for the last month that I'm seeing my doctor for tomorrow. As far as kids, I'm just sad that I haven't experienced that yet, though I've gone back and forth. I am 30 and I know that that doesn't mean I'll never have kids, but it just seems like meeting a guy in a decent amount of time is slipping by. The women in my family start menopause somewhat early, and it's just always on my mind.

This might seem disjointed or weird or even stupid. I know some of it is. I don't have many people to talk to about it, though. My 2 friends I usually talk with have so much drama going on in their lives that I'm trying to give space for that......and keep my distance because I've heard about enough myself. They may feel the same way.

I guess this is more for commiseration or hair pats. I dunno.

[jigsy]

I think it is totally normal to start feeling this way, especially when you have health problems because I feel like when your body is not feeling or performing well, your mind can easily follow. Seriously, good health is the one thing I continually remain grateful for Because that can so quickly change.

If you are in therapy, but not feeling better, is it maybe because you are not with the right therapist?

Also, I am the same age, and I sometimes feel like you do, like my time has passed. But being in a city with a lot of young people who are not in the married/baby stage makes me realize that I am really ok. So many people are not starting that stuff until their mid-30’s. I am also trying to remind myself that timelines change. When I was dating N at 19, I knew that marriage and all that would happen YEARS down the road because I was a baby! Now that I am more mature and I know what I want from life, I will be able to make the choice on a different timeline.

Another thing that has helped my future anxiety is to try to remain in the present. I had an idea of what my life would be like, and surprise surprise, it isn’t working out that way, but that doesn’t mean I am doing it wrong…when you make plans, often times you will end up somewhere different, so I am trying to focus on enjoying what I have now and not putting the extra pressure of the future on me…I have enough pressure to deal with.

And to close out my long ass post. When I met N, I was in the process of planning a move to LA with a girlfriend that was going to be about 6 months out. At the time of the planned move, I decided to stay in Utah and see where the thing with N was going to go. I often thought about that choice, and I wondered “what if”…well…guess what, 9 years later, I ended up moving to LA, and so far, things have been pretty great. I feel like things happen the way they are supposed to. I learned a lot in the 9 years with N, and while it ended in a heartbreak, I honestly wouldn’t change it. I don’t know where my future is, if there will be kids, or a white picket fence, or a boss job. And I just have to be ok with that.

[peppermint]

i will 2nd everything that jigsy said above, and also commiserate with you and let you know that you're not alone. i don't have any answers for you and i wish i could just give you hair pats and tell you it will all be okay - but no one knows that! the posters above give great advice - sometimes there will be lulls, but doing what we can (therapy, remaining grateful for all the things we do have, and keeping perspective) can help. hugs!

[Deleted]

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. Personally I'd focus on getting yourself well first, because when we don't feel good physically nothing really can go right. I've been through some similar things with back issues and now my knee is flaring up again and the next step for me might be surgery.
Regarding your age, really you have plenty of time. I'm going to be 40 next month and I'm still considering having another child if the planets aligned.
I'd try to stop thinking about the future so much and just try to change some things right now to make life pleasurable again. Think about what things make you happy and do them more. Are you on anti-depressants or maybe would that be helpful (Idk, I'm not a doctor but just something to think about).

[Deleted]

One of my favorite quotes is "It will be all okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." You just went through a recent break up so sure, things are going to seem rather bleak right now. But you're going to come out on the other side of this. And I ditto about learning to live in the present. Don't wait around for life to happen to you. Make your life happen. Determine what things make you happy and do them. Focus on kicking ass at your job (even if that means setting yourself up to move careers). SOs are just one aspect of life. And while they can be great, life can be great even if someone isn't in the picture.

I've been single for four years (minus two couple month "relationships"). I'd love to have someone in my life. But I don't. And really it's not something I have much control over. But I do have control over my job, my friendships, my relationships with my family, getting better at hobbies, etc. So I put energy into those making me feel happy and fulfilled. And it's made a world of difference. I love my life as it is. Genuinely being happy and content has just continued to build in making it even better. New opportunities at work, opened up new friendships, etc. I have a great group of people around me and I never feel lonely. I have developed a super strong support system and network. These people are all there for me at a drop of hat for any medical issue or anything else I need. Okay I'm totally rambling now so I'm going to stop. Hahah. The point is a life without a man doesn't equal lonely.

[Deleted]

Hugs. I am sorry you are struggling right now.

Your breakup was pretty recent, so I'm glad you're not really dating yet. It's a good idea to take some time, at least a few months. 2 months is so fresh, it's totally normal for you to feel this way and probably even necessary. It won't last forever, though.

I guess my best advice that hasn't really been said yet - after a period of feeling similarly to you (worried about the future, though for different reasons), I have come to accept and actually enjoy the idea that the future is unwritten and uncertain. Sure, some days I feel like I'd be more relaxed if I knew where I was going to live in a few years or if I was going to marry my BF or if a number of other questions were answered, but it's kind of fun to think that ANYTHING could happen and life is mine to make what I want out of it. I don't HAVE TO stay in a certain place or with a certain person or do any of the things I used to think were inevitable parts of being an adult or even of my life. Maybe I'll buy a house someday, maybe I'll move to Europe. Maybe I'll move back home and maybe BF and I will live happily ever after or maybe we'll break up and I'll get to meet some other fun person/people. Of course I have preferences on how this will all turn out, but it's kind of neat to see where life takes me, too. If there is one thing I've learned in the last 18 months or so, it's that life is unpredictable but pretty awesome overall. The bad leads to the good, eventually. I guess what I'm saying is to try to enjoy the ride rather than focusing on the destination. I'm sure that's easier said than done at this point in your starting over process, but it's a perspective that helps me a lot (and has taken some practice to believe).

[cam13]

hugs and hair pats.

Everyone has given great advice so I'll just tell you that I understand you so much. I worry about the future so much more than I'd like. I saw that you said you were in therapy but that it doesn't seem to be helping. Maybe try a different therapist? Sometimes it's just a matter of finding someone you mesh with better, for a lack of better words.

[Wanderista]

Others have said it all really well. It's true that a lot of what happens in life is out of our control (random events/cultural trends, the actions of other people, health issues. etc). What isn't out of our control is how we react to these challenges. There are times when it is hard not to feel bad, especially when bad things happen. I know the feeling because I had a lot of bad luck mainly with my health for a few months this year and that made me so cranky. It's hard to feel good when dealing with prolonged health issues, especially physical pain. I spent most of the summer not really being able to walk much or do much. (I was battling tendonitis as a complication of allergic asthma/medication). I usually love summer so it was kind of depressing. As I am feeling a lot better now, I am pushing myself to appreciate new activities and to have a new perspective. I didn't used to like fall but now I'm getting out there and doing things to embrace it more. That's just an example.

I guess what I'm saying is to not be afraid of trying new things and getting outside of your comfort zone. Are there things that you always wanted to do but never tried? If you haven't then it's a good idea to make a list of things you want to do, things that you really like, interests that you haven't pursued yet, books you want to read. Think of positive characteristics of yourself (you can ask for help if you're finding it hard). Basically, it's a good opportunity to learn more about yourself. You can't control the actions of other people but you can come up with steps to achieve your goals. 

I think others on here have said similar things. They are giving you great advice as well. Most of all, don't be too hard on yourself. 

[shauniemae]

There is some great advice in these posts. I very much appreciate all of it.

I am in therapy, and had changed from another therapist I was seeing because he wasn't a good fit. I'm trying to determine if this person is good for me or not. I guess I'm not 100% sure how you figure that out? It doesn't feel like I've accomplished much with her, but that could be because she does just stare at me for a good deal of the time I'm there. I know she's waiting for me to process, etc., but I still need a little more direction.

I'm not necessarily saying I need a man or partner to feel better or less lonely (I'm sure it'd help), but just need to fill some kind of void and also try to focus less on the future and live now. The physical pain I'm in really is probably pushing me over the edge at this time. I've grown accustomed to my knee pain and know I'll have that forever, but the back pain is something else!

I do need to get out more and take some chances with new things, a lot of the time I don't feel like doing that. I start on an anti-depressant (prozac) a couple months ago, but it limited my sex drive at the time and also I've randomly put on some weight in the last couple months and thought that could be contributing. I might see about some other options.

Again, thank you. I know my mindset is kinda crappy right now but it's good to get it off my chest and also realize that a lot of it is normal - or at least other (awesome) people have experienced these thoughts as well.

[doriswe]

I think you've gotten some great advice.

I wanted to comment on the therapist thing...I would ask your therapist for more direction. She may not know that you are seeking more guidance from her. And if you ask for it and don't get it, you've gotten a clear answer that she's not a good fit for you.

[onedayatatime]

Hugs and hair pats - there is a lot of good advice.

I just want to let you know I understand - I've always been a planner and have a very hard time "living in the moment". And I am 30, with all the same fears.

It is getting better though - I separated in March- and in the last month I noticed that I have been in the future zone much less. I try and look at a week or month maximum - what am I excited for this week? If there isn't anything, then I know I need to find something.

Also, saying yes to things becomes a chain reaction - once I started accepting more invites, even ones I wasn't sure about, I started getting more invites. I also think it is helping me be better at taking risks (still small), which has been helpful for turning off some of the future worries

[Deleted]

Hugs and hair pats. Medical issues and kids are things that can cause stress and worry. Pps have given good advice. I can relate a bit on the kid thing. I'm going to be 33 and although I'm in a relationship, we aren't in a rush/dont really feel ready for kids. Then sometimes I think I'll never be ready or it won't happen. But we don't know our futures. And spending endless hours dwelling on the what its can really be stressful and depressing. Try and take it one day at a time for now.

[shauniemae]

Thank you again, everyone. I think I'll have to try to tell my therapist that I need more from her in the sense of guidance and direction. If not, I'll find someone else.

And I'll be bookmarking this thread to give me some perspective and all that jazz when I'm feeling this way again.