Post by lillypots1982 on Oct 22, 2014 20:07:11 GMT -5
Hi ladies, I am still pretty new here (posted once a few weeks ago). I haven't really shared my story ... lets see if I can do a short recap (edit .. sorry not short!!).
H had issues with a previous relationship I was in and demanded lots of details. I gave some and refused some, and long story short he felt like I lied about all the details (I didn't). Yes, this sounds ridiculous, but he would go on these huge tangents every couple months and get angry with me because I had this previous relationship. Eventually the name calling led to pushing, to pushing down, to throwing things, to kind of punch/smacking me in weird places (upper thigh?) like not in the face obv. When he wasn't being awful he was being great and we genuinely enjoyed each others company. I would just put the bad parts out of my mind and assume (because I thought his reasons for fighting were so ridiculous) that he would get better and stop. And he would say, once in a while that he was done being angry and he just wants to be a happy family and he loves me etc etc. ...
And then one night he was out all nite and I called him at 4am and told him to get home (we had a 2 yr old at the time, and he was "just going out for a drink"), so he comes home reeking of alcohol and he starts in on this same fight we always have. I should mention that I only "fought back" once or twice ... I would usually just try to placate him until he stopped being so enraged. This time I did not lie there limply. There was a yelling match, he squeezed my head with his arms and sat on me. I kicked him trying to get him off me. At one pt I hit his hand with my keys because he was bear hugging me to prevent me from moving/leaving. I told him I was going to call my Dad and he took my phone out of my hand and threw it at the wall and it snapped in half. I was actually fearful of him at this point. He tried to block me from leaving the house and I finally dashed to my car with him on my tail and drove to a pay phone. No shoes and in my pajamas in the middle of winter. I called my parents and my Dad came to get me. I went straight home after calling as my son was still at the house. Of course H was crying at this point, knowing now that now his behaviour won't be a secret anymore.
I called the police on him and he went thru months of court. They forbade him from contacting me. This wasn't what I wanted ... I wanted him to wake up and see what he has been doing! And apologize and want to make things right! I know, I sound like an idiot. Fast forward 2 yrs later. He is still living at his parents house, but spending nights here. We (were) still sleeping together. We were being a family for our son. He would say he wanted to get back together and move back in but nothing would ever come of it. I finally realized he is just here for the kid and him and I have zero relationship other than parents and people who can be friendly (when he is in a good mood).
Last nite he called me at 10:30 pm (he had been over for bedtime with our son and then had to work) and decided to start a fight about me mentioning that my parents wanted to come to one of my kids games. He said that in no way could they come etc etc just being crazy. Heshowed up at 11:30 and told me he was taking our son to his parents house. I tried to talk him down but it didn't work, he walked up stairs and picked up my sleeping child and turned on all the lights and came downstairs and started wrapping his jacket around him to take him outside (it was freezing last nite and my kid sleeps naked). I tried to stay calm, told him he needs to put clothes on him etc. and that if he left the house with our son I would be following him in my car. Eventually he lets me put my son back to sleep upstairs. Fights with me for another 2 hours. Finally lets me go to bed, I sleep in my sons bed.
So here we are. I know what I need to do ... lawyer up. Sell the house? I know this is going to be so so messy. I would love to co-parent like normal people but I don't see that happening. I don't want to miss out of 50% of my child's life because his Dad hates me.
Get thee into counseling stat. You are being abused. You need help to really acknowledge who he is and how you need to move forward. Your child NEEDS you to take care of yourself. Your child NEEDS you to protect him from his father. Neither of you sound safe, right now. Please do not let this be what your child sees as "normal."
Your H says the right things, part of the time, but his actions SCREAM his true feelings. Listen to him. He's telling you who he is and who he will remain. He's not going to change. You cannot scare him into realizing he's a monster. You cannot take a few more hits and hope he gets it. He WILL escalate. It WILL get worse.
I want to hug you and shake you a little. You deserve so much more than this. Your child deserves so much more than this. Please get help. Please get help now.
And since you asked, I'd lawyer up and get a restraining order while I was at it. Can you afford the house on your own?
Call the police, file a restraining order. As soon as you hang up the phone, call a lawyer. Do you have an EAP at work? You can usually get a free consult with an attorney. Even without one, ask about sliding scales if you're worried about affording it. You are not safe. Please be careful.
Post by wrathofkuus on Oct 22, 2014 22:06:21 GMT -5
You don't sound stupid at all; you sound like someone whose concept of what is normal and okay has been eroded over time. Fuck, I'm a scientist working on my doctorate, and to some extent it happened to me once. It can seriously happen to ANYONE.
The good news is, you want out! You have a great future ahead of you.
Post by 1confused1 on Oct 22, 2014 22:10:02 GMT -5
You need to get help ASAP! He abused you, moved "out", you're still sleeping together and then one day he decides to wake up your son and take him away?
My advice: take your son, go stay with your parents, find an attorney, file a police report AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, GO SEE A THERAPIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to ditto everything mentioned above- counseling, lawyer, restraining order. Also, does he still have a key to your house? And, lots of (((hugs))).
I'm going to ditto everything mentioned above- counseling, lawyer, restraining order. Also, does he still have a key to your house? And, lots of (((hugs))).
I was going to suggest changing the locks, but she needs to talk to an attorney first to make sure she's allowed to do that.
He's an abuser...PLEASE don't think it's an exaggeration to call him an abuser. I know that after being in that situation for a while, it sort of becomes "normal". It is not normal. You are not safe with someone like him. He's mentally unstable--anyone that acts like that is unstable and unfit to be around a child. You did the right thing when you called the police 2 years ago. Don't subject yourself to him spending nights with you anymore. Call a lawyer. Are you married? Have you filed for divorce? You need to, if you haven't.
Here's the most important thing ***he will not change***
Many of the ladies here have lived through similar experiences with abusers or addicts. We may sound a bit tough sometimes. That's because we've may have been there before and can relate. We know how scary this is....an abusive H, moving, being alone, finances, kids, change. It's an emotional roller coaster. But guess what? It gets better once you're out. Please get away from him. You and your child can not go on like this. It sounds like you have your parents support-lean on them and friends that are supportive..and us. Big hugs.
This is almost textbook domestic abuse. You have your good times, that are almost good enough to make you forget the bad times, then you have the bad times where you are sure that you have done something to deserve them. Read this quick definition of the Cycle of Abuse, and when you realize that you are right smack in the middle of it, do as the PPs have said and make sure you and your LO are safe.
Post by pinkdutchtulips on Oct 23, 2014 2:14:29 GMT -5
i could have written what you did ... my ex (ntc EX) was overly interested in my prior relationships and felt that i wasn't 100% honest with him and he let his imagination run WILD .... the abuse was emotional, verbal, financial and eventually physical.
get yourself a temporary restraining order w/ a kick out order IMMEDIATELY and document everytime he calls, shows up unannounced, tries to break down your door, etc. bc you're going to need it to prove that he IS a person that you and your son need protection from. include yourself, your son and any pets in the RO. when documenting things ALWAYS jot down the date, time, what happened and above all else ... CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE HIM ARRESTED for violating the RO should he appear.
i know it'll be hard simply bc you want to keep your family together but sadly, its broken beyond repair at this point. get the RO and start divorce proceedings.
I would like to also add that "being a family for your son" is most likely counter-productive. You're inadvertently teaching your son that marriage is not about love and respect, so it's not unlikely that he could end up in a similar relationship as an adult. Not to mention that your H is demonstrating that this is how a man should treat his wife.
Divorce is not an easy process, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I resisted the decision for years, and my situation was nowhere near as abusive as yours. It takes a while to get through it (counseling can definitely help), but the last few years have been the happiest I've ever been.
Post by lillypots1982 on Oct 23, 2014 9:50:48 GMT -5
Hi ladies, thx for the replies. I am in counseling. We were seeing a lady for couples counselling, but now I just see her on my own. And since she has met him she knows that he is a bit crazy so I like that about her. Him and I still co-own the house and since he pays the mortgage (I pay the bills) it's still "his house" and he has a key and comes and goes as he pleases. He usually comes over after school, stays for dinner and bedtime and then leaves. He has not laid a finger on me since I called the police 2 years ago ... he knows he would go straight to jail if that were to happen. I know I sound pathetic but I really do get it .. he is an asshole, he is an abuser, I don't deserve to be treated like this, this is not normal. I know all these things. I don't love him.
His actions the other nite were really truly the last straw for me, and I know my son does not need to see this. What scares me is that his Dad talks to him like he is an adult (he is 4). My son told my Mom the other day that "mommy lied and called the police and my daddy went to jail". He thinks that I misrepresented the events of the night when I called the police. He said he was trying to "save our marriage" and was "sitting on my lap and holding your face" when he was really straddling me so I couldn't move and squeezing my face b/w his arms. Breaking the phone was "an accident" (he whipped it at the wall so hard the flip phone broke in 2). Then I was the one attacking him by kneeing him in the groin (while he was on top of me holding my arms above my head.
I have a call into a lawyer so will be making an appt asap.
While I really don't want to sell my house (I love my neighbours, my house, my yard, my location) I secretly fantasize about what I could do with my half of the sale, as I would be getting back my $40k down payment and half of the $200k it appreciated. I run my own business from home right now, but I could open a shop in town and rent an appt.
I don't know any divorced people in real life, so I hope I can bug you all with my logistical questions (birthday parties, visitation etc)
If your STBX continues to "misrepresent" the past to your DS, make sure you mention Parental Alienation to your lawyer. I'm not a lawyer, so I don't know if what he is doing is technically considered PA, but he cannot be allowed to cast you in a bad light in front of your LO.
Also, do not engage him when he starts talking about "his house" or "his mortgage". I'm betting he's just doing it to get a rise out of you. Get your RO and change the locks if you can.