Some Jigsy fodder for discussion

[jigsy]

I am killing my final hour of work time, and I realize that most of you are probably home, so there won't be a lot of discussion, but whatevs, I like talking things out.

I think I am only half cut out for a casual relationship. I am not bothered by the idea of either of us seeing other people. I am not bothered with not seeing each other all the time. But what I am bothered by is not knowing my "place."

In all things, I like to know my place. I like to know what my expectations are, because then I can meet and exceed them, lol.

With Vegas, I have no idea what my place is. Here is what I do know.
1) He is always jazzed to hear from me
2) When I propose hanging out, as long as he doesn't have prior plans, he is down
3) He is responsive and all that, I've never felt like a text was being ignored.

But...

He also rarely will initiate talking or texting. He has a few times, but I am generally the initiator. He will also not really initiate hanging out, but like I said, if I propose something, he won't say no. I haven't talked or texted him since Tuesday afternoon (I know, its been a whole 2 days), and I kind of think I won't until he texts me...but how childish is that? 
Maybe he just isn't the initiating type. But it makes me all self conscious that, while he acts like he is happy to hear from me, he is really like "ugh, this girl will not stop bugging me!" I am pretty sure most dudes aren't thins complicated...women are the complicated ones.

So...thoughts? Am I being crazy? Should I be bothered that my causal hook-up/whatever doesn't really reach out? 

Like I said, I think I am only half cut out for this stuff

[Deleted]

I had a guy like this. And when it comes down to it, a relationship (casual or not) should be somewhat balanced. I want to feel wanted and I don't want to do all the work. I don't believe in total tit for tat, but honestly if he is that rarely proactive I lean toward he's just not that into you. He'll hang out or respond because it's easy and fun.

As an example I had a guy friend who was dating a girl who did all of the initiating. She approached about the fact that he never initiated anything. His response was "She's just not on my mind. It's cool to hear from her, but that made me realize I must just not be as into her as she is to me."

Also I with my guy I used to talk myself into oh he's just not an initiator and he totally responds to me. But when I just stopped texting him or asking him to hang out I never heard from him again. It was very telling.

At this stage I don't think it's childish to not text him. I'd just wait and and see if he steps up. If he doesn't he's giving you your answer about your place.

[jigsy]

That is kind of what I am feeling like @pdx18

I'm not really invested, more just annoyed I guess.

We have plans tomorrow, so I would think he would eventually text, lol.

[Deleted]

jigsy it is totally annoying! I've had plans with guys and then never heard from them again. Hence a reason I've just given up on dating all togetht

[Deleted]

IDK. I think pdx18 is probably right in many cases. I will also throw in there that my bf wasn't (and still isn't) often the initiator, and it has nothing to do with me - he is just not attached to his phone and often leaves it in his pants in the other room or forgets to charge it. When we started dating, it freaked me out because while I would hear from him eventually, it often wouldn't be until late in the day (like 9pm) or very early on might even skip a day. Which rationally was fine, but I'd start wondering if he just wasn't that into me or if I shouldn't always be the first to send a text, etc. He is also a lot busier than me (PhD student) so I was often the one suggesting plans.

I guess I still irrationally worry sometimes that I love him more than he loves me, but only because I'm anxious like that lol. I really think it's just his personality. And now I plug in his phone before bed when I plug mine in It still drives me bonkers when I'm out of town and he takes like 5 hours to respond to a text, but it's just how he is. Without knowing more about Vegas, I'd guess it might just be his personality too. If he wasn't into you, I think you'd know by now. I also don't think he'd agree to spend as much time with you and talk to you as much as he has if he wasn't into you. That would be WAY too much effort by now, KWIM?

I get the hard thing about not knowing your place, though. I never really did the casual dating thing and I have no idea how I would have done with it. I think I would have struggled.

[jigsy]

The one thing that makes me feel like maybe he is into me, just lazy, is that when we're together, he doesn't touch his phone at all until I tell him to deal with whatever is going on because his phone is blowing up. I really like that because it drives me crazy when I'm with someone and they are constantly on thier phone.

Yet, whenever I text, I get a response in 5 minutes or less...so he's willing to ignore everyone while with me, but he doesn't ignore me when with other people.

I don't know if that makes sense, but yeah.

[1confused1]

I don't really have advice. I'm in a similar relationship where he doesn't usually initiate, but always responds. We enjoy our time together and don't really know where it's going, so we are just going.

If I can make an observation? I feel like you and Vegas are on the road to a relationship. It might be time to have a talk to figure out where you are and where you are going.

[1confused1]

Oct 23, 2014 22:48:57 GMT -5 @stpete said:

I'm going to disagree with you 1confused1 I think if they were in the road to a relationship jigsy would be more excited about him. I think he's an excellent prod (lol) into dating for her post N, but she deserves someone who gives her butterflIes and grins.

Ok, I can see that. But i think she's not allowing that to happen because she's scared that it could turn into something more serious.

[jigsy]

Good points from both @stpete and 1confused1

I really enjoy spending time with Vegas. I always have a blast, we laugh, we have a lot of similar interests, and the sex is fantastic.

But is he what I want for the future? I don't know. I don't think he could offer the kind of relationship I would want if we were exclusive due to his crazy work situation. This is supposedly going to change in January, but we will see.

I have been thinking on it a lot, and I think if I adjust my expectations a little, what we have right now could continue to be great. Really, I have no right to start questioning how into me he is after not talking for two days because we are casual. I don't talk to my friends every day, that doesn't mean that I don't want to see them or talk to them when I do.

I like that right now, I feel like I am free to explore whatever relationship I want. I also like that I have this great guy that is super fun to hang out with. If and when one of us thinks there should be some level of exclusivity, then I guess we will have to talk about it.

I'm just going to try to slow my roll right now. I guess I just need to think about things more. I am so used to being in a committed relationship that I have almost forgotten what it is like to just be dating. I've got to keep reminding myself that it's normal to not talk to someone everyday jigsy

[berbles]

Oct 24, 2014 11:28:43 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I'm just going to try to slow my roll right now. I guess I just need to think about things more. I am so used to being in a committed relationship that I have almost forgotten what it is like to just be dating. I've got to keep reminding myself that it's normal to not talk to someone everyday jigsy

When BF and I started out, I had to remind myself of this a lot.  A LOT.  It was so natural and comfortable for both of us (he'd just broken off an engagement) to spend our down time with someone else.  But I was adamant that we NOT spend every evening or even every bored moment with each other.  It was easy to do - he lived walking distance from me (he's since moved further away), we both were regulars at a bar close by.  But I knew that I needed to learn (we both did) how to be comfortable being by myself.  I definitely understand the struggle.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 11:28:43 GMT -5 jigsy said:

Good points from both @stpete and 1confused1

I really enjoy spending time with Vegas. I always have a blast, we laugh, we have a lot of similar interests, and the sex is fantastic.

But is he what I want for the future? I don't know. I don't think he could offer the kind of relationship I would want if we were exclusive due to his crazy work situation. This is supposedly going to change in January, but we will see.

I have been thinking on it a lot, and I think if I adjust my expectations a little, what we have right now could continue to be great. Really, I have no right to start questioning how into me he is after not talking for two days because we are casual. I don't talk to my friends every day, that doesn't mean that I don't want to see them or talk to them when I do.

I like that right now, I feel like I am free to explore whatever relationship I want. I also like that I have this great guy that is super fun to hang out with. If and when one of us thinks there should be some level of exclusivity, then I guess we will have to talk about it.

I'm just going to try to slow my roll right now. I guess I just need to think about things more. I am so used to being in a committed relationship that I have almost forgotten what it is like to just be dating. I've got to keep reminding myself that it's normal to not talk to someone everyday jigsy

I'm with you on forgetting what it is like to be just dating.  I tend to go from first date right into relationship.  I don't know what dating looks like either.

[jigsy]

Shut it mp. It is what I say it is, lol. I'm actually hoping you will be able to give me insight after tomorrow...so you have full permission to say whatever you want, good or bad. I feel like I need an objective third party.