I'm so sorry. I have been in your shoes. It is an emotional rollercoaster. Let yourself feel how you feel. Focus on yourself and lean on people when you need to.
Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed. - G. K. Chesterton
I'm so sorry, BC. Be prepared for the upcoming roller coaster. It will be rough, but you will come out on the other side stronger and happier. All of the luck and hugs to you. Come talk to us on SO, when you're ready.