The Child I Didnt Adopt

[dulcemariamar]

www.huffingtonpost.com/scary-mommy-/the-child-i-didnt-adopt_b_6028670.html?utm_hp_ref=parents&ir=Parents

[karinothing]

Ugh, that is such a sad story. That poor boy. I can't imagine the strength it takes to be a social worker. I don't think I could ever do it.

[justjen]

Oh, Lord. We need some kind of "tears ahead" warning on this thing.

[krystee]

I sobbed after reading this. I feel like this needs to be a national issue that is given so much more attention. How are we failing these children and how can we convince more loving families to become foster homes and adopters?

I really want to adopt #2, but I am also nervous. Whenever I tell people I am interested in adoption, I usually just hear horror stories and all the reasons not to do it.

[cincodemayo]

 

i so badly want to do foster care someday. 

[lb2006]

so sad - we're adopting (internationally) and are also starting the process to become licensed in our county to foster. It is shocking how many children are in need of foster/permanent homes.

[bowies]

I didn't read the article but I can imagine. My mom was a social worker for years. I'm full up on sad stories.

[Deleted]

This is so sad. My parents were foster parents for many years while I was growing up. After the first year we became what they called a therapeutic family. This meant that my parent had received additonal training and that we were licensed to accept some of the most troubled children. No training could prepare someone for what we saw and experienced. It was incredibly difficult. The thinges I saw other children experience will be with me forever.

[matildasun]

I am sobbing as I sit here in my car after gymnastics. I have my own kid I didn't adopt. He luckily at 21 is still alive, and is now a parent himself. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I don't have time right now.

[mrsfarmer]

Oct 24, 2014 8:16:28 GMT -5 krystee said:

I sobbed after reading this. I feel like this needs to be a national issue that is given so much more attention. How are we failing these children and how can we convince more loving families to become foster homes and adopters?

I really want to adopt #2, but I am also nervous. Whenever I tell people I am interested in adoption, I usually just hear horror stories and all the reasons not to do it.

We adopted from foster care.  PM me if you want.  Yes, it's hard, but it's worth it.

[mrsfarmer]

DD1 was "unadoptable" at 14 months old when we took custody of her. She had already suffered abuse in a previous foster home at 6 months old. The screaming was terrible. We have worked through it and the resources are there. I don't know if we will adopt again, but I wouldn't mind being therapeutic foster care.

[scribellesam]

This was very sad. I used to work with older foster children at my old job and it was heartbreaking to see them struggle as they moved from home to home and what they would do to self-sabotage any progress made.

[Marmee]

My husband showed this to me & this inspired him wanting to adopt again. It made him cry & I teared up a bit. But after what happened in my family, I'm just not sure I can adopt anymore. I always thought I would but now I'm leaning toward no. I wish it wasn't so.

[marina007]

I read this the other day - on my phone at the grocery store. One of the store employees came and asked me if I was ok, since I had tears streaming down my face . Heartbreaking.

[cowboyjoe]

This kills me inside.

We struggled with infertility for several years before deciding that we would be happier adopting. We were saving money for the process when I got pregnant with DD. I had conflicting feelings when I found out I was pregnant. On one hand I was over the moon that we were finally getting the thing that we had tried so long for. On the other hand I grieved the family that I had settled on in my mind. We were still researching the best adoption path for us, but I still have sadness that somewhere out there is a child that was going to be ours, but will not be now. It breaks my heart.

DH would like to still adopt child #2, but honestly I don't feel that we have the emotional or financial resources for more than one child. I've always felt I would be happiest with just one. DD is only 10 days old now, so maybe I will feel different as she gets older.

[amandakisser]

Oct 24, 2014 9:32:04 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

DD1 was "unadoptable" at 14 months old when we took custody of her. She had already suffered abuse in a previous foster home at 6 months old. The screaming was terrible. We have worked through it and the resources are there. I don't know if we will adopt again, but I wouldn't mind being therapeutic foster care.

Ok, the thought of someone labeling a baby as unadoptable has me in tears, especially considering she had already experienced abuse in her lifetime.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 9:32:04 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

DD1 was "unadoptable" at 14 months old when we took custody of her. She had already suffered abuse in a previous foster home at 6 months old. The screaming was terrible. We have worked through it and the resources are there. I don't know if we will adopt again, but I wouldn't mind being therapeutic foster care.

That is so awful. That someone could abuse a BABY. To be considered " unadoptable" at 14 months. I literally just got ill to my stomache. You are so lucky to all have found each other and become a family. 

[teatimefor2]

I read this yesterday morning and came down stairs sobbing. So so sad.

[mrsfarmer]

Oct 24, 2014 12:43:48 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

Oct 24, 2014 9:32:04 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

DD1 was "unadoptable" at 14 months old when we took custody of her. She had already suffered abuse in a previous foster home at 6 months old. The screaming was terrible. We have worked through it and the resources are there. I don't know if we will adopt again, but I wouldn't mind being therapeutic foster care.

Ok, the thought of someone labeling a baby as unadoptable has me in tears, especially considering she had already experienced abuse in her lifetime.

After the first week I could see it would be a challenge, she still is a very challenging child.  However, most people want the perfect little baby, which does not exist no matter what.  You also have to understand the undertaking it took to bring her into our house.  We had early intervention appointments 3 times a month, CPS still has to come and visit along with the guardian ad litem (child's lawyer).  I was and still am in constant contact with her therapeutic foster mom for support.  We just went through her traumaversary of her broken arm at 6 months old.  The children grow and change, but in the back of their minds they know something happened at some time.  The abuse is what made her "unadoptable".  The terror and the tantrums were over the top.  Our CPS worker has been at it 30 years and said she had never heard a scream on a kid like that.

[jeaniebueller]

Oct 24, 2014 13:18:46 GMT -5 @upnorth said:

This is really sad but I don't think it starts the right conversation or really gets anywhere. I mean, I would be interested in fostering but it seems like the population in the most need is older children. Unfortunately, with older children, there are many more issues to address and if they are a danger to themselves or others, it is hard to take the risk of putting them with your kids.

So I guess I wish this would be focused on what we can do. Is this a call to provide more funding for foster homes? Is this a call to get more people to learn about foster programs? It is heart-wrenching, for sure, but how do we make it better?

We need more experienced foster homes, more therapeutic foster homes, more foster homes who are willilng and able to accept children who have been exposed to abuse, who may have delinquency issues, who may have their own mental health issues, behavioral issues, etc. Finding an adoptive foster home for a kid under age 3 is typically easy. Its the older kids and kids who have more experiences where its really difficult to find any placement and maintain that placement. I don't fault foster families for not having the ability to keep a child who could harm them or their other children, or if they aren't able to get that child to stabilize enough to keep that child in a daycare or school, etc.

[kershnic]

I'll come back and read the comments. But I work I this field... What needs to happen is that the system needs to change to not drive good decent well intentioned foster parents crazy.

[jeaniebueller]

Oct 24, 2014 14:01:56 GMT -5 kershnic said:

I'll come back and read the comments. But I work I this field... What needs to happen is that the system needs to change to not drive good decent well intentioned foster parents crazy.

What do you suggest? Not being snarky, I am curious, as I am in that field as well.

[amandakisser]

Oct 24, 2014 13:12:05 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

Oct 24, 2014 12:43:48 GMT -5 amandakisser said:

Ok, the thought of someone labeling a baby as unadoptable has me in tears, especially considering she had already experienced abuse in her lifetime.

After the first week I could see it would be a challenge, she still is a very challenging child.  However, most people want the perfect little baby, which does not exist no matter what.  You also have to understand the undertaking it took to bring her into our house.  We had early intervention appointments 3 times a month, CPS still has to come and visit along with the guardian ad litem (child's lawyer).  I was and still am in constant contact with her therapeutic foster mom for support.  We just went through her traumaversary of her broken arm at 6 months old.  The children grow and change, but in the back of their minds they know something happened at some time.  The abuse is what made her "unadoptable".  The terror and the tantrums were over the top.  Our CPS worker has been at it 30 years and said she had never heard a scream on a kid like that.

Thank you for your explanation. It makes sense, and I get why it would be a daunting task. I'm glad there are people like you with the ability to give her love.