If sex drives are mismatched in your marriage...

[Deleted]

is it an ongoing problem for you? I feel like we've had the same fight for a decade. DH doesn't seem to remember it this way, but I definitely do.

I just ordered this book and am hoping we can come to some sort of resolution before I just become a nun so I never have to have this fight again.

Also, I just found the place where my embarrassment trumps my cheapness. The library has that book, but there is no way I could bring myself to check it out.

[ssmjlm]

I think our drives are the same, it's initiation that is different. I should initiate more, but I end to let small things bug me, so I don't. I think that DH feels like he initiates all the time, so he doesn't as often.

We have opportunity, I just think we need to be conscious of taking advantage of it.

[mlvmd]

It is a huge issue in our marriage. I am pretty much at my wit's end. It colors so much of the rest of out relationship and the constant diatribe of how much less I love him is getting to me. I'm close to snapping that he's created a self-fulfilling prophecy by telling me how I must not love him enough.

Sorry, it's been a bad day in this regard.

[mlt]

MH is the one with the lower drive in our marriage. His lack of interest has really done a number on my self esteem over the years. Every six months I have a "come to Jesus" with him and then we have more sex for about six weeks. Then it kind of peters out for a few more months until my next CTJ.

We have gone to counseling and it helped us with all of our issues except for this one.

[SJ]

What about your 2x/week deal? Is he wanting it more than that?

[dancingirl21]

I think we are both in a bit of a funk but I also know he wants it more than I do. Once we get going, it's all fine and good but it's just getting there that's the problem. He would happily take it whenever and I'm the one who can't be bothered. I recognize it as something we need to work on.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 13:02:08 GMT -5 SJ said:

What about your 2x/week deal? Is he wanting it more than that?

Our latest fight was more or less about me not being INTO it.

Newsflash: I can make myself do it. I can't make myself want it.

Anyway, we're going to read the book and hope it helps both of us understand the other side a bit better. I totally posted this to see that we're not alone and commiserate, so thank you to everyone for admitting you're in a similar place.

[SJ]

Neither of us have raging sex drives. We both seem kind of fine not having sex too often in this current phase of life, but that kind of bothers me. I guess it doesn't bother me enough to initiate more, but I want him to want it. It's hard to articulate.

[cinco]

Unfortunately it is a problem for us. I thought it would get better when I stopped BFing, but I still have a hard time getting out of mom mode. Frequency isn't a problem, he just gets upset that I'm not as into it as he is.

[ktw]

My H and I have been together since we were 16 and 17 years old. I've spent the better part of 14 years waiting for him to lose his 17 year old boy sex drive, and he's spent it waiting for me to hit my "sexual peak". LOL

[hilwithonelary]

This is pretty much the only thing we ever fight about. I'm with you @tokenhoser. He gets mad when we don't have enough sex, but then he also gets mad when I agree to have sex but don't seem super into it. Well, sorry to break it to you, but it's one or the other. We can not have sex or we can have sex with me being only mildly into it. If we waited until I was really excited to have sex, it would be maybe once every 3 months.

Can I ask a weird question? Does anyone play with their husband's junk when you're just hanging out without the intention of moving on to sex? The second the kids are in bed, DH constantly asks, "Do you want to play with my penis for awhile?" He says it feels nice like a backrub and isn't really sexual, but it drives me crazy and I hate doing it. He says he wishes I would do it without being asked. Am I weird that I don't just spontaneously reach in his pants?

[bunch]

Yes. It has been our biggest issue for literally 10 years (the first year I had a great drive ). That article you posted a few weeks ago was actually a kick in the butt and I've been trying a lot harder. It absolutely makes a world of difference in our marriage as my dh gets resentful and generally frustrated if it's not happening. It reminds me of that "Babyproof your marriage" book I read years ago that could be summed up with "let your h get lucky 2 times a week and he will be an awesome partner." For me it's true.

[arch01]

This is an ongoing problem for us. I'll be honest-I didn't complain when his new med lowered his drive-1x/week was fine by me.

I will say that when I had my hormone levels checked and found my testosterone was laughably low, getting on a supplement helped a bit. Otherwise, the other thing that helped was him working to satisfy me first since it takes a lot longer. It helped me be a bit more into it.

[bunch]

Oh and if my dh wasn't just as happy without actual intercourse, we'd be done for. I can't fake actual sex.

[satsuma]

It's not mismatched drives that's a problem as it was not an issue before having DS. It's that I bear the brunt of DS's shitty sleep. We've had a gazillion conversations about this. Maybe if he stepped up in helping I would want to do more than just sleep when my head hits the pillow.

[bunch]

Oct 24, 2014 13:40:38 GMT -5 @lcap said:

Oct 24, 2014 13:32:50 GMT -5 bunch said:

Yes. It has been our biggest issue for literally 10 years (the first year I had a great drive ). That article you posted a few weeks ago was actually a kick in the butt and I've been trying a lot harder. It absolutely makes a world of difference in our marriage as my dh gets resentful and generally frustrated if it's not happening. It reminds me of that "Babyproof your marriage" book I read years ago that could be summed up with "let your h get lucky 2 times a week and he will be an awesome partner." For me it's true.

It does for us too, which I think is useful in a way but also really annoying! Like, he is super super nice to me for the couple of days right after he gets laid. Goes out of his way for me in the manner he would when we were first together, etc. We never have sex during my period so he's usually very cranky by the end of that week (which sometimes I stretch out unnecessarily, lol). What am I supposed to make of this? That sex is the only or primary thing that makes him feel "in love"? Irritating.

I get what you're saying and I agree.  I just tell myself it's his love language.

[rex]

our drive is the same but i get turned off VERY easily. i am not really sure there's anything to be done on that except for
my h to work on his game lol

[kittycatlove]

A problem here too. Posting to commiserate and so I can go look up the book when I get home.

[Deleted]

Yes, it is a huge problem for us. Especially right now when I have zero drive and he still has the drive of a 16yo boy. We are constantly talking about it and I mean constantly. It's exhausting. Nearly 10 years of marriage and 15 years of being together and we are still constantly talking about it. Actually more now than ever. I wish his drive would decrease honestly.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 13:16:04 GMT -5 ktw said:

My H and I have been together since we were 16 and 17 years old. I've spent the better part of 14 years waiting for him to lose his 17 year old boy sex drive, and he's spent it waiting for me to hit my "sexual peak". LOL

OMG this is EXACTLY us. Down to the age we met.

[laurenh]

It's probably our main "issue". I am trying to make more of an effort because I know it'll be pretty much nonexistent once I get much larger and then the babies will be here and it'll likely just be chaotic. We have good weeks and bad but touch is definitely his love language.

[chickens987]

Oct 24, 2014 13:29:57 GMT -5 hilwithonelary said:

Can I ask a weird question?

Um, no. My H never got the memo that we debunked the myth of blue balls and if I kiss him for too long he wants to whole shebang.

[laurenh]

Oct 24, 2014 13:54:45 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Oct 24, 2014 13:16:04 GMT -5 ktw said:

My H and I have been together since we were 16 and 17 years old. I've spent the better part of 14 years waiting for him to lose his 17 year old boy sex drive, and he's spent it waiting for me to hit my "sexual peak". LOL

OMG this is EXACTLY us. Down to the age we met.

Raising my hand for this one too! We went to the 8th grade dance together, guys! Dated seriously from senior year of HS until we got married lol.

[dcn]

Yes, it has been an issue for almost our entire marriage. His love language is physical touch, and touch is the bottom of my list. And he seems to think that any touch should lead to full blown sex while sometimes, er, most of the time, i am good with just some cuddles. Why does every kiss have to be making out? Ugh. And please stop grabbing my ass and making moves on me while I am doing dishes or making dinner. It just irritates me, does not turn me on, i tell him this but he either forgets or doesnt belive me.

We recently had the worst fight of our marriage, and are working on a lot of things and sex in just intertwined with all of that.

Our pattern is the same as others. We talk about it, we are better for a month or two then it declines and the cycle starts all over.

Anyway. You are not alone.

[ktw]

Oct 24, 2014 13:57:40 GMT -5 dcn said:

Yes, it has been an issue for almost our entire marriage. His love language is physical touch, and touch is the bottom of my list. And he seems to think that any touch should lead to full blown sex while sometimes, er, most of the time, i am good with just some cuddles. Why does every kiss have to be making out? Ugh. And please stop grabbing my ass and making moves on me while I am doing dishes or making dinner. It just irritates me, does not turn me on, i tell him this but he either forgets or doesnt belive me.

We recently had the worst fight of our marriage, and are working on a lot of things and sex in just intertwined with all of that.

Our pattern is the same as others. We talk about it, we are better for a month or two then it declines and the cycle starts all over.

Anyway. You are not alone.

YES! My H always acts all hurt when he tries to kiss me and I will only give him a peck back. I can't kiss the man without him trying to drag me upstairs, caveman style. 

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 13:29:57 GMT -5 hilwithonelary said:

This is pretty much the only thing we ever fight about. I'm with you @tokenhoser. He gets mad when we don't have enough sex, but then he also gets mad when I agree to have sex but don't seem super into it. Well, sorry to break it to you, but it's one or the other. We can not have sex or we can have sex with me being only mildly into it. If we waited until I was really excited to have sex, it would be maybe once every 3 months.

Can I ask a weird question? Does anyone play with their husband's junk when you're just hanging out without the intention of moving on to sex? The second the kids are in bed, DH constantly asks, "Do you want to play with my penis for awhile?" He says it feels nice like a backrub and isn't really sexual, but it drives me crazy and I hate doing it. He says he wishes I would do it without being asked. Am I weird that I don't just spontaneously reach in his pants?

DH is exactly like this. I don't want to do it because I feel like it's leading him on and I DON'T WANT SEX EVERY NIGHT. He wants me to touch his junk. All the time. Every night.

I'm also at the point where I hate doing it. We're really not in a good place.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 13:55:57 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Oct 24, 2014 13:29:57 GMT -5 hilwithonelary said:

Can I ask a weird question?

Um, no. My H never got the memo that we debunked the myth of blue balls and if I kiss him for too long he wants to whole shebang.

I hate this too. I can't kiss him (more than a peck) or slap his ass or walk out of the shower without clothes, he wants the whole shebang. Even though our bathroom is attached to our bedroom, I have to bring all my after-shower INTO the bathroom to change after I get out. Otherwise he finds a reason to come into the bedroom as I'm changing, and he gets all into a tizzy. I appreciate that he likes my fat PG self, but all I want is to get dressed!

[krystee]

My H's drive is lower than mine and I always feel like something is wrong with me because other women's husbands can't stay off of them.

[Deleted]

Oct 24, 2014 14:51:25 GMT -5 krystee said:

My H's drive is lower than mine and I always feel like something is wrong with me because other women's husbands can't stay off of them.

Cosigned.

Send your 17 year olds my way.  I mean, don't, that's gross, but I know what it feels like from the other side of the fence.

[soxin2]

Oct 24, 2014 14:51:25 GMT -5 krystee said:

My H's drive is lower than mine and I always feel like something is wrong with me because other women's husbands can't stay off of them.

I'll just go with "ditto"

Also, we did an intimacy challenge thing. And I got pg, because, pheromones or something

And then like 10w in I got put on pelvic rest. And now I'm post partum....

(And I still have a libido, unlike...)