Ugh, H and I got into a tiff tonight

[pantsparty]

We were eating dinner and talking about house stuff. This month I bought a chandelier and wood for our living room. The chandelier needs to be hung sooner rather than later, since it's massive and taking up the guest bedroom, but I am in no hurry to get to the living room quite yet.

As we were eating, H said, "I'll pay for installation of the chandelier and wood for the living room for your birthday." I kind of um...snorted, maybe. I don't remember what I said exactly. Maybe, "That's not a gift..."

But the thing is, I DON'T WANT any birthday gifts this year. We (mainly my H) have spent SO MUCH on this damn house I just don't feel the need to spend solely money on me. And also...installation is NOT a gift. Right?!?! Am I being mean about that? I don't expect H to pay for those things AT ALL, like I said, I will likely do them later this year or next year, but I don't know...in my mind mind those are household expenses, the shit we have to do when we own a house, and I'd never re-paint the living room and say to H, "Merry Christmas!"

Anyway, he's pissed. I'm ungrateful and have a bad attitude and don't appreciate all he's done. We have retreated to different floors of the house. Ack. I know I had a...not-pleasant reaction, but shit, who expects to hear about installation birthday gift plans!

Ugh. Now I just want to go to bed.

[papie]

Team you! That's the shittiest birthday gift ever.

[cbwm1]

I'm sorry you got into a tiff over it.

However, this is what we do for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. like, the dog was our gift for all giftable occasions for a year. This year, birthdays/anniversaries were our iPhones. Somtimes it's furniture. Or flooring for the living room. You get the picture

[killercupcake]

That's not a birthday gift! Tell him to YouTube chandelier installation videos, hang it himself, and take you out.

Team you.

[pantsparty]

Those who know Mr. Pants know he is SO NOT shitty.

I just think he and I are on different "complete the house" timetables. Like, it would take me YEARS to get the house to the point where it is now if it were up to me.

But...installation is not a gift. Maybe he misinterpreting how quickly I want things done? LOL. I don't know how to resolve this nonsensical fight!

[papie]

Oct 24, 2014 21:47:34 GMT -5 cbwm1 said:

I'm sorry you got into a tiff over it.

However, this is what we do for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. like, the dog was our gift for all giftable occasions for a year. This year, birthdays/anniversaries were our iPhones. Somtimes it's furniture. Or flooring for the living room. You get the picture

But at least it is something!
Buying the chandelier would be a gift in that case. Not paying for the installation!

[pantsparty]

Oct 24, 2014 21:47:34 GMT -5 cbwm1 said:

I'm sorry you got into a tiff over it.

However, this is what we do for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. like, the dog was our gift for all giftable occasions for a year. This year, birthdays/anniversaries were our iPhones. Somtimes it's furniture. Or flooring for the living room. You get the picture

Well, totally. The thing with this year (and the past year) is I don't want a gift. At all.

But I also don't want "installation" to be a gift. LOL! Gifts should be frivolous, or not at all.

[stellas]

Oct 24, 2014 21:49:44 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:47:34 GMT -5 cbwm1 said:

I'm sorry you got into a tiff over it.

However, this is what we do for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. like, the dog was our gift for all giftable occasions for a year. This year, birthdays/anniversaries were our iPhones. Somtimes it's furniture. Or flooring for the living room. You get the picture

Well, totally. The thing with this year (and the past year) is I don't want a gift. At all.

But I also don't want "installation" to be a gift. LOL! Gifts should be frivolous, or not at all.

I don't get it.

[cbwm1]

Oct 24, 2014 21:49:44 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:47:34 GMT -5 cbwm1 said:

I'm sorry you got into a tiff over it.

However, this is what we do for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. like, the dog was our gift for all giftable occasions for a year. This year, birthdays/anniversaries were our iPhones. Somtimes it's furniture. Or flooring for the living room. You get the picture

Well, totally. The thing with this year (and the past year) is I don't want a gift. At all.

But I also don't want "installation" to be a gift. LOL! Gifts should be frivolous, or not at all.

LOL

Well, just pretend it's not a gift. It's *just* installation, and you're not getting a gift at all. ;-)

[papie]

When we first got married, MIL asked DH what I would like for Christmas. He said "oh how about AN INK CARTRIDGE".
I overheard and made him call back and say whatever else he wanted but not a fucking ink cartridge. I might have actually cried.

[pantsparty]

Oct 24, 2014 21:51:07 GMT -5 stellas said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:49:44 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Well, totally. The thing with this year (and the past year) is I don't want a gift. At all.

But I also don't want "installation" to be a gift. LOL! Gifts should be frivolous, or not at all.

I don't get it.

I would rather have no gift than a year's supply of toilet paper. Which would save me money, but is a sad, sad gift.

[cville]

I am team you. And I specifically asked for new lighting installed in the dining room (and kitchen and hall) for my birthday one year.

[stellas]

Oct 24, 2014 21:52:15 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:51:07 GMT -5 stellas said:

I don't get it.

I would rather have no gift than a year's supply of toilet paper. Which would save me money, but is a sad, sad gift.

But if you're getting nothing anyway, what's the harm in accepting something that you want/need done as a gift?

[pantsparty]

Oct 24, 2014 21:51:48 GMT -5 papie said:

When we first got married, MIL asked DH what I would like for Christmas. He said "oh how about AN INK CARTRIDGE".
I overheard and made him call back and say whatever else he wanted but not a fucking ink cartridge. I might have actually cried.

Well, that's almost as bad as the JELL-O.

[pantsparty]

Oct 24, 2014 21:53:22 GMT -5 stellas said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:52:15 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

I would rather have no gift than a year's supply of toilet paper. Which would save me money, but is a sad, sad gift.

But if you're getting nothing anyway, what's the harm in accepting something that you want/need done as a gift?

You're my H, aren't you?

ANOTHER ML CATFISH!!!!

[pantsparty]

THE CHANDELIER WASN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO SHIP UNTIL MARCH!

Thanks, RH! YOU are the cause of this fight!

[cville]

Oct 24, 2014 21:53:22 GMT -5 stellas said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:52:15 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

I would rather have no gift than a year's supply of toilet paper. Which would save me money, but is a sad, sad gift.

But if you're getting nothing anyway, what's the harm in accepting something that you want/need done as a gift?

Because now you're all thanking someone and being magnanimous about something they were going to do anyway.

My light installation WAS a gift because otherwise it would never have been done. He was not bothered by our awful lights.

[Deleted]

Because if it's a gift that implies it is just for her and she has to be thankful for something that is for BOTH of them. It's about shifting the burden of gratitude. Valuing goodwill and intangibles and stuff.

[pantsparty]

Oct 24, 2014 21:52:48 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Oct 24, 2014 21:48:47 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Those who know Mr. Pants know he is SO NOT shitty.

I just think he and I are on different "complete the house" timetables. Like, it would take me YEARS to get the house to the point where it is now if it were up to me.

But...installation is not a gift. Maybe he misinterpreting how quickly I want things done? LOL. I don't know how to resolve this nonsensical fight!

see, and I'd be insane if dh bought something today for a house project he might get around to in six months, and let it lay around and clutter up our guest room. Then I have two fucked up undone rooms, instead of the one. And if he did this and then told me I couldn't get him a bday present but then got pissy when I wanted to get the damned stuff done professionally, I'd burn his butt. 

And, I don't think installation is a gift, unless the two of you do things like house projects as 'gifts'. 

I guess I can see this perspective.

I reacted poorly, I just didn't expect him to say installation would be a gift. LOL. I mean, I turned down a birthday trip to Vegas because it would be too much money! LOOK AT HOW SENSIBLE I AM!

[milosh]

That is not a gift, it's a household expense.

[flamingeaux]

Oct 24, 2014 21:46:40 GMT -5 papie said:

Team you! That's the shittiest birthday gift ever.

You may need to run this sentence by @bettyhomewrecker33....

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using proboards

[tulip]

This isn't a gift. It's just... Not. Also, I missed what this chandelier is but can't he do it himself? I don't have fancy things, lol.

It would be different had you suggested it but him declaring it would be what would make it an issue for me.

[snipsnsnails]

Time to say Viva Las Vegas, Baby!

[maggiemoo]

I get VS. Always. Alway too small. 32 B? Sure. I'm really 36 D. I hate birthdays.

[Kit]

Team you, that's a lousy gift!

Similarly, I told my H once he better not ever give me anything that plugs in for a gift, unless I specifically ask for it. Lol

[Deleted]

Even if he surprised you one day with it installed, that wouldn't be a gift. It'd be a cool surprise.

It's not a gift because, not only does he also benefit from the installation, but you guys would've installed the chandelier at some point anyway, special occasion or not.

[tinybride]

I feel like I shouldn't be laughing...

From an outsider's perspective, married fights can be pretty funny. I get you though. DH and I have butted heads over something like this.

[tictac]

1) crap should NOT be lying around the house just waiting to be installed/whatever, and your H is right for wanting to get the freaking thing installed already, instead of leaving it just hanging around in a box for absolutely no reason

But

2) Things that qualify as basic "household upgrades" do not qualify as "Birthday/Christmas/Anniversary/Whatever gifts"

So, if he wants to get the damn chandelier installed instead of leaving it hanging around the house for absolutely no reason, fine, he can have that.

But de-cluttering the place still doesn't count as a "gift" to you in any form of the word.

[annyong]

My H has done something similar and I reacted in the same way as you. I totally get the, "I don't want any gift at all, but don't call this household thing that we were going to do anyway a gift" perspective. It sets a precedent for future gifts (in years you actually want a real gift) to be equally crappy. Not okay! Just don't give any gift at all and let the house projects get done as originally planned!

He might as well have bought you a ratchet set for your birthday for you to install the chandelier yourself.

[elleblue]

Nope. 

Early on in our relationship I taught H that appliances and household items do not count as gifts. Gifts are individual and frivolous* and solely for the giftee. They need not be expensive, in fact they can be free, but practical gifts are not welcome here (unless specifically requested).

Stuff for the house is for the two of you together. So if there is something that you really want, that's more than he wants to spend, you can decide together how that works within your budget. Forgoing birthday gifts is something that you are to suggest, if that is what you want to do. 



*Unless specifically requested - if I put down an appliance on my wishlist because I want it enough and would never get it otherwise, that's fair game. But it's for sure a pre-determined thing.