Letter to your ex?

[sunnysideup488]

Is this a thing?

My sister just told me that her therapist had her write and send a letter to her ex husband on the one year date of their divorce.

Her therapist told her it was a way of letting go, releasing her anger toward her ex, writing down all of her feelings and freeing hersef from her past.

Her new boyfriend is annoyed that communication was had.

[mrsfarmer]

She actually sent it? I can see doing this and then not sending it as a way to get everything out.

[raangoli]

Oct 29, 2014 8:59:11 GMT -5 mrsfarmer said:

She actually sent it? I can see doing this and then not sending it as a way to get everything out.

I am wondering why she actually sent it as well. I can see writing it down as a way to help get it out of your system/work through the feelings and then try to move on, but not sending it. That part seems like a bad idea.

[mbcdefg]

I've heard of writing the letter and then putting it away, or burning it, as a healing process ... but actually sending it seems like a colossally bad idea.

[ECB]

Yeah... I'm in the "she actually SENT it??" camp. That could open a can of worms that she doesn't want to open.

[Deleted]

I don't think this is a normal or good idea. The letter is good, actually sending it is not. Unless maybe she truly wants to rehash things with her XH? I'm about 15 months out of finalizing my divorce, and can't imagine any scenario where that would be beneficial for me. The last thing I want to do is actually talk about my past relationship with my XH WITH my XH.

I will say that if she's struggling a lot with her divorce at this point, her BF should be concerned about more than communication. If I were him, I wouldn't be happy that she was still so hung up on the past that this was necessary. Some wounds take a long time to heal but you shouldn't be in a relationship unless you are over the last one.

[AAM2012]

Uh yeah I bet the therapist said NOT to send it....

[sunnysideup488]

That is what I thought! She actually sent it.

And her therapist apparently told her to.

I wrote a letter to my ex, and burned it. I wanted to get everything out and then let it go. I wouldnt send it.

So. This should be interesting I think.

[Deleted]

I'm very surprised she sent it. It seems like a bad idea to open the lines of communication back up.

I occasionally day dream about writing a letter to exH and putting it on his front door with an arrow through it, Robin Hood style. I never will, but I enjoy thinking about it.

[ssmjlm]

I think your sister might need a new therapist.

[tine]

I agree with everyone else. Sending it was a bad idea! That's opening up the past, not closing it!

[ECB]

I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking. Oy.

Bottom line- this seems to be an effort in "closure", but the stark reality of "closure" in most situations is that you don't get it. I don't know what your sisters expectations are, but chances are her ex isn't going to respond with "wow- I hear you. NOW I understand.  Thanks for enlightening me! I am sooooo sorry.  You're right and I was wrong.  So wrong. ". 

Hopefully he'll just ignore it, but if he doesn't, the response she's probably going to get is anger, a reply of "WTF" and perhaps a list of what he's pissed off about what SHE did.  And then in turn, a whole bunch of shit will be brought up again.

JFC.  And the therapist thought this was a good idea?  Hell. 

[Deleted]

Do they have kids? Maybe she did need to resolve so me issue.

[sunnysideup488]

Oct 29, 2014 9:34:54 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

Do they have kids? Maybe she did need to resolve so me issue.

No kids.

I guess the letter was partly her telling him how he hurt her, but also her admitting partial fault to the demise of their relationship.

I still think it's a bad idea.

Since it has all happened she has had this deep need to know exactly where everything went wrong, and how to fix it so it doesn't happen again.

[hainesherway]

I can't believe her therapist told her to actually send it. I have written a letter to an ex and ceremoniously burned it after...and it did help me put it all behind me.

[Mrs.Rad888]

Oct 29, 2014 9:08:42 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I don't think this is a normal or good idea. The letter is good, actually sending it is not. Unless maybe she truly wants to rehash things with her XH? I'm about 15 months out of finalizing my divorce, and can't imagine any scenario where that would be beneficial for me. The last thing I want to do is actually talk about my past relationship with my XH WITH my XH.

I will say that if she's struggling a lot with her divorce at this point, her BF should be concerned about more than communication. If I were him, I wouldn't be happy that she was still so hung up on the past that this was necessary. Some wounds take a long time to heal but you shouldn't be in a relationship unless you are over the last one.

I'm not saying I disagree with you, but what stood out to me was that the current boyfriend has a problem with the fact that there was communication. This is totally some (resolved) baggage from XH, but you can't just ignore the fact that someone you are in a relationship with had a whole life before you came along. If she's still hung up on XH, or hasn't resolved her baggage yet, then no, she shouldn't be in a relationship. But it's not the current BF's call to make.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 10:53:15 GMT -5 Mrs.Rad888 said:

Oct 29, 2014 9:08:42 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

I don't think this is a normal or good idea. The letter is good, actually sending it is not. Unless maybe she truly wants to rehash things with her XH? I'm about 15 months out of finalizing my divorce, and can't imagine any scenario where that would be beneficial for me. The last thing I want to do is actually talk about my past relationship with my XH WITH my XH.

I will say that if she's struggling a lot with her divorce at this point, her BF should be concerned about more than communication. If I were him, I wouldn't be happy that she was still so hung up on the past that this was necessary. Some wounds take a long time to heal but you shouldn't be in a relationship unless you are over the last one.

I'm not saying I disagree with you, but what stood out to me was that the current boyfriend has a problem with the fact that there was communication. This is totally some (resolved) baggage from XH, but you can't just ignore the fact that someone you are in a relationship with had a whole life before you came along. If she's still hung up on XH, or hasn't resolved her baggage yet, then no, she shouldn't be in a relationship. But it's not the current BF's call to make.

IDK. I would be completely uncomfortable if my BF was sending his ex letters about their relationship at this point. It's one thing if they chat here and there as friends, but rehashing what happened to them in the past seems too much like hanging on IMO. If he had a concern about something he did in that relationship affecting his future relationship with me, he should talk to me about it.

I may always have some baggage associated with my marriage, but it would be completely inappropriate for me to talk about that with my XH at this point. I am in another relationship and any concerns I have should be talked about with a therapist, with a friend, or with my current SO. I feel like bringing it up with my XH would be super disrespectful to my BF. Not to mention opening a can of worms I don't want to open, and completely pointless since it's in the past and can't be changed anyway. Maybe I'm projecting my own life here too much I just can't imagine how this is a good idea lol.

[lys]

Writing a letter as a means to move on -- yes
Actually sending it??  NO. That is rarely suggested.