Online dating - single vs. divorced

[WinterIsComing]

I had an interesting discussion with a male friend yesterday about online dating. He said that he usually filters out women that are divorced, preferring to only date people who list single as their status. His reasoning is that there is a perception that a divorce means baggage. 

I started thinking about this in the context of my divorce. We were married less than 4 years, no kids, no ongoing financial/legal stuff. I will hopefully literally never see or talk to him again. Even though I am technically divorced, there is nothing different in my life than if I had never been married and only had been in a dating relationship.

Part of me almost wants to put single whenever I start online dating but I realize that is a lie so probably a really bad idea. Not really sure the point of this post - just thinking out loud. Have you found that guys prefer single vs divorced?

[Deleted]

Some do some don't. Some like blondes. Some like brunettes. Some want a masters degree. If that's something they don't want then it would be a waste of time to lie anyways so I don't see the point?

[calle28]

Yup, totally agree with @pdx18. Sure, some men prefer to date women who have never been married, divorce is a dealbreaker for them.

I do think it kinda sucks, but hey! What are you gonna do.

[Deleted]

Hmm. You know, I put single when it comes to basically anything else - demographic type questions. I don't want to be known as "divorced" for the rest of my life, and I AM single. I don't see how it's relevant for my employer to know that I was once married, but I'm not anymore, KWIM?

But for dating - I think if you list single, you will need to be pretty upfront about the fact that you are divorced pretty soon after meeting. Otherwise it seems kind of like you're hiding something. Like it or not, the fact that someone has been married before does feel different to me. I think it's silly to weed someone out just because of that (especially if there are no kids and no ongoing drama) but if someone really doesn't want to date someone who has been married before, it's wasting everyone's time if you pretend otherwise.

How old are you? I also honestly think it's almost weirder if someone is in their 30's and hasn't either been married or had a long term serious relationship. Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with them OR if they fear commitment or something else is off. Or they could just be unlucky, but I think most people have at least had a long relationship with the wrong person by that age

[Deleted]

What does baggage even really mean?

[WinterIsComing]

Oct 29, 2014 11:10:18 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Hmm. You know, I put single when it comes to basically anything else - demographic type questions. I don't want to be known as "divorced" for the rest of my life, and I AM single. I don't see how it's relevant for my employer to know that I was once married, but I'm not anymore, KWIM?

But for dating - I think if you list single, you will need to be pretty upfront about the fact that you are divorced pretty soon after meeting. Otherwise it seems kind of like you're hiding something. Like it or not, the fact that someone has been married before does feel different to me. I think it's silly to weed someone out just because of that (especially if there are no kids and no ongoing drama) but if someone really doesn't want to date someone who has been married before, it's wasting everyone's time if you pretend otherwise.

How old are you? I also honestly think it's almost weirder if someone is in their 30's and hasn't either been married or had a long term serious relationship. Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with them OR if they fear commitment or something else is off. Or they could just be unlucky, but I think most people have at least had a long relationship with the wrong person by that age

I'm 31. I agree that the lack of a relationship/marriage would raise more red flags to me than divorced. Maybe it's bad but I assume that if you are in your 30s and have never had a long term thing then there is a reason why.

I'm not rally going to put single but his comments just got me thinking. Since there is no connection with XH, I hope that in a little bit it will almost be like it never happened.

[jigsy]

I'll put divorced. If someone is weeding people out because they don't want the "baggage" then whatever. They are missing out.

[Wanderista]

I guess I'd just put something in your profile or else opt to quickly tell guys that you talk to what you are telling us. 

[1confused1]

@pdx18 agreed!

[1confused1]

Oct 29, 2014 11:12:51 GMT -5 @bk said:

What does baggage even really mean?

For me, it's my crazy ex husband.  

[pinkdutchtulips]

single folks have baggage too !

on my OKC profile it says Single ... I don't think Divorced is an option ? At any rate, it hasn't bothered the guys who have been interested in me that I'm in the process of getting a divorce. only one has asked me for how long I've been separated (BT) ...

[pinkdutchtulips]

Oct 29, 2014 11:12:51 GMT -5 @bk said:

What does baggage even really mean?

BSC ex who I not only have an RO against but a Criminal Protective Order against too ... also I'm THE ONLY PARENT to my daughter - it's a challenge to 'date' me simply bc she doesn't go to her dad's every other weekend. planning anything seems like a herculean task at times.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 11:46:16 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Oct 29, 2014 11:12:51 GMT -5 @bk said:

What does baggage even really mean?

For me, it's my crazy ex husband.  

You don't need to be divorced to have a crazy ex!  My craziest ex I wasn't married to

[kaneen]

If someone wants to weed out based on having been previously married, that's their choice. I personally think it's silly and wouldn't want to date someone like that anyway.

Edit: Why couldn't I get that sentence correct?  At least @pdx18 got what I was saying.

[Deleted]

Here's the thing. If someone can't recognize that being divorced doesn't equal baggage then they probably aren't going to be a match for me anyways. So really I appreciate when people self select themselves out of wasting my time.

[stephreloaded]

To each their own I guess but I find it silly. I would understand not wanting to date people with kids.

[wampuscat]

The guy I'm seeing now actually said that he was a bit relieved that I'm in the divorce process because he felt that we were at similar places in our lives when we met. He's going through a divorce too (has been separated way longer than I have though) and he said that a lot of girls would instantly rule him out because of that.

[redredwine]

What @pdx18 said.

Probably best to not starting off a relationship either lying or "hiding" the truth....

[berbles]

Like PPs said about having not been married/in a serious relationship by your 30s, if men think that divorced women are the only ones with baggage, they're deluding themselves. EVERYONE has baggage. Frankly, the divorced women are more likely to be AWARE of their baggage and be more willing to work through it with someone. IMHO.

[achase123]

Oct 29, 2014 12:04:45 GMT -5 stephreloaded said:

To each their own I guess but I find it silly. I would understand not wanting to date people with kids.

This. You can't automatically assume someone has baggage simply because they're divorced. What if both parties amicably agreed to end it and it was the best and healthiest decision for both? I think it's kind of silly.

[boing]

I decided that the 37 year old I dated that had never been married or engaged or anything had more baggage than any divorced guy that I've dated. To each their own! But I would definitely mark divorced because it's going to come up eventually.

[greysgirl]

I always list myself as divorced and I'm sure some guys next me for the same reason they next me for having a kid. It's ok. My divorce story was actually pretty drama filled but there isn't any drama or baggage anymore.

[greysgirl]

Oct 29, 2014 13:38:00 GMT -5 boing said:

I decided that the 37 year old I dated that had never been married or engaged or anything had more baggage than any divorced guy that I've dated. To each their own! But I would definitely mark divorced because it's going to come up eventually.

Yea I feel like if someone is over a certain age and if they have never been married people might wonder what is wrong with them too. You can't win!

[DirtySouth]

I have yet to meet someone my own age (35) who doesn't have baggage. At this point, if a person is single and hasn't gone through some tough stuff, I would consider them inexperienced in life and question if they are mature enough to be someone I want to date.

Embrace who you are. I'm a twice divorced single mom of an adopted biracial child, and I've gone through some tough career and financial struggles. This all shapes the person I am today, and if someone can't appreciate that and is scared away by it, then he isn't someone I want to date.

And if someone makes some big assumptions about exactly what you have gone through just because you are divorced, I'm not sure why you would be interested, because it's pretty ignorant.

[peppermint]

I always mark "divorced" but this thread has been interesting to read, especially FormerlyRR response. Just as "widow" doesn't define you, I feel like "divorced" doesn't define me, and never really thought about it that way. Thank you for that perspective, and I'm sorry for your loss.

[dreamcrisp1]

I probably have more baggage at 24 and single (well, never married) than many divorced people. Haha.

[onedayatatime]

I will put divorced - because I don't want to start off with a lie, but I think nesting someone over being divorced is silly. Unless you know their actual situation, you have no idea what "baggage" that brings.

[glitzyglow]

In my experience, very, very few men have cared that I am divorced versus single. I can only think of one and he turned out be very religious.

[GilliC]

Oct 29, 2014 12:00:07 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Here's the thing. If someone can't recognize that being divorced doesn't equal baggage then they probably aren't going to be a match for me anyways. So really I appreciate when people self select themselves out of wasting my time.

This 100%.

I went through the same thing when there was a discussion or article about how women who are overweight very often mark "curvy," so a lot of guys exclude curvy from their searches. I was hung up about it for a while, but I didn't want to change it to "thin" because I'm not. I'm normal weight, and very curvy. In the end, I just decided that someone who would go so far as to exclude "curvy" either really doesn't like curves (which I definitely have), or they're too judgmental for me anyway. I'd rather get fewer messages from better people.