The default parent

[betsyray]

Stolen from MMM

I really liked this because it put words to how I've been feeling lately. I hear "mommy" approximately a million times a day, and even if H's home, they run to me first. I also always know where their stuff is, handle their clothes/closets, and manage their schedule. H needs constant reminding when we have plans and doesn't remember most things I tell him unless I put it on his schedule. I'm a SAHM so some of this goes with the territory, but sometimes I fantasize about getting in the car and just driving off (leaving them with H, of course) for a weekend.

m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6031128?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

[carawestt]

Another default parent checking in. I'm dreaming of the day when the "daddy stage" begins and I can get a bit of a break.

[lolaburns]

I'm the default parent. I still get asked how to do things that H should know how to do it handle himself. It's exhausting. I have dropped what I was doing, grabbed the keys and gone to do something by myself before for a few hours. I also turn my phone off.

[dixeedeluxe]

I think I've only met one male defalut parent

(who wasn't a single parent)

[jfh]

Things were going in this direction early on, and I'm still default for a lot of things, but it's gotten so much better. It helped that DH took over bedtime when we weaned and hasn't looked back. It also helps that Kai is into activities that are all Dad, like skateboarding. And now that I'm very pregnant DH does...well, almost everything. And once he gets in the habit of serving as default for some particular task, that's it, that task has been transferred. I'm still the Keeper of Information and Organizer of Stuff, but in terms of day-to-day parenting it's really evened out.

[rubber pants]

Me. and its been BAD lately. She doesnt let DH do ANYTHING for her. He can be right there with her and ill be clear across the house and she will want me to put her in her chair....

When I go away.... its going to be innnnnteresting.

[betsyray]

Oct 29, 2014 12:29:17 GMT -5 lolaburns said:

I'm the default parent. I still get asked how to do things that H should know how to do it handle himself. It's exhausting. I have dropped what I was doing, grabbed the keys and gone to do something by myself before for a few hours. I also turn my phone off.

I need to do this more often.

[Regina Philange]

I am similar to jfh right now. I have to say, things are pretty much equal. He usually does drop off and pick up unless hes working late, then i have to do it because i have been so sick. Hes also been taking him to swim class.

I still am the calender, and tell him where his clothes are though. lol

He has really stepped up. Before i got pregnant though, i was definitely the default parent, but i am not so sure who it is anymore.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 12:32:52 GMT -5 rubber pants said:

Me. and its been BAD lately. She doesnt let DH do ANYTHING for her. He can be right there with her and ill be clear across the house and she will want me to put her in her chair....

When I go away.... its going to be innnnnteresting.

It'll be good for them. When I went to Vegas j was super fine, and he's exactly like M. Now he's a little better about DH helping, although I'm still very much preferred.

[AndyCohen]

Oct 29, 2014 12:29:17 GMT -5 lolaburns said:

I'm the default parent. I still get asked how to do things that H should know how to do it handle himself. It's exhausting. I have dropped what I was doing, grabbed the keys and gone to do something by myself before for a few hours. I also turn my phone off.

Yup. Just last night SIL was asking if we wanted any of their old baby stuff and he just kept asking me and wanted me to call her. I just said I don't know, whatever you want. Like dude, you know what we need/use as much as I do.

[carawestt]

Oct 29, 2014 12:32:52 GMT -5 rubber pants said:

Me. and its been BAD lately. She doesnt let DH do ANYTHING for her. He can be right there with her and ill be clear across the house and she will want me to put her in her chair....

When I go away.... its going to be innnnnteresting.

Yep, here too. Everything is, "no want mama to do it!"

[creamsiclechica]

Oct 29, 2014 12:32:22 GMT -5 jfh said:

Things were going in this direction early on, and I'm still default for a lot of things, but it's gotten so much better. It helped that DH took over bedtime when we weaned and hasn't looked back. It also helps that Kai is into activities that are all Dad, like skateboarding. And now that I'm very pregnant DH does...well, almost everything. And once he gets in the habit of serving as default for some particular task, that's it, that task has been transferred. I'm still the Keeper of Information and Organizer of Stuff, but in terms of day-to-day parenting it's really evened out.

This is us too. I mean when I'm not on my own, of course. But ours started with pregnancy and evolved into this over time. He is really good about coming in from work, changing, and just taking them somewhere or kicking me out for awhile.

And when we were home with my grandmom, he did everything, full time. It was good to know he could and I didn't worry at all.

[katie]

He sticks with certain things which is great - he does bath every night (unless it's a really bad night for her), brushes her teeth, does DC drop off, takes her outside to play, gets up with her every other night, takes her to the potty 99% of the time.

I still do all the laundry, shopping, cooking (now that I meal plan), clothing, calendar, pick up from DC, take to the doctor appointments, consoling when hurt, tired, whiney.

The things he does is very helpful and I can count on him for them. But I really have to "assign" things to him or he will just wait it out. I had to do that from the beginning but it works.

With all that said I still feel like the default parent. She calls my name for everything and if she had the choice she would have mommy do it all.

ETA - I posted before reading the article. There is no doubt I am the default parent.

[fusion]

As a SAHM I am for sure the default parent, but H does his fair share when he is here so I think we are "even". No way I would have even considered having more than 2 if he didn't help out significantly. I don't mind doing all the shopping, appts, meal planning, etc since I am picky about food, clothing and healthcare, but I do want him pulling his own weight in playing with kids and keeping the house clean. We are FINALLY getting J to a point where he really enjoys spending time with daddy also, so that has been a nice change. One huge upside of no naps is that they can sometimes go places all day on the weekend and really have a fun boy's day out.

[twirlermom]

That's interesting. DH is actually the one home with them all day. He attempts to work at home and takes care of them.

However, if I am in the house, I am definitely the default parent.

[formerlyllizzyb]

Like I said on mmm, I was the default parent BEFORE kids. Lol. Doomed from the start.

Doesn't bother me most of the time. H takes plenty of responsibility in other areas.

[melmon0417]

I mean... I don't know.

I make all her appointments, and make sure all her paperwork for said appointments, daycare, etc. are complete. I know when picture day is and that she is dressed adorably. I put everything in our shared google calendar, and give DH 10 zillion reminders.

He comes to appointments if he's not working, and always comes to the important ones. He will take her alone if I absolutely can't make it, (like to her pre-op physical today. Even though I made the appointment, filled out all the paperwork, put everything in an envelope for him, and told him exactly what he needed to make sure got done... 10 times over, lol.)

But, if he didn't go food shopping and cook, none of us would eat! And, he will get up early and make her lunch for school and we are both involved in 99% of the decisions that need to be made. I really think at the end, we are even?

[dixeedeluxe]

I'm of the mindset (like the blogger) that if you make the doctor's appts or decide when doctor's appts are to be made, you're the default parent.

I also don't think being the default parent is inherently sucky.

[lauranicole91]

Due to our work schedules things are pretty equal around here care wise. HOWEVER, she is a huge daddy's girl and, hands down, asks for him first even when he isn't home. When she wakes up in the morning or from nap the first word out of her mouth is "Daddy!" regardless of whether he is home or not.

[formerlyllizzyb]

Oct 29, 2014 13:50:30 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

I also don't think being the default parent is inherently sucky.

I agree.

[Dorothy Zbornak]

I'm also the default when I'm home. Not at all DH's fault, though.

[ladydi]

So I am definitely the default parent, I feel like to an embarrassing degree. DH has changed maybe 5 diapers since we left the hospital, has never given her a bath, has never fed her a meal, has never dressed her, has never put her to bed, has woken up with her in the night two nights (while we were night weaning). At this point i'm just used to it - in the beginning it was super frustrating for me.

I am a little scared about what will happen with #2 comes and I guess part of me is hoping he will step up a little more, but I'm also preparing to do everything myself. DH goes out of town for work for a week every once in a while and MIL is always like OMG are you going to be ok? How are you going to handle it? I just want to laugh because it is exactly the same when he's gone as when he's here as far as me handling everything.

Sorry that sounds kind of depressing! I'm so used it now it really doesn't bother me that much usually!

[silverjm]

I am the default parent, but I'm not necessarily the preferred parent. I schedule appointments, do bed and bath, buy clothes, and buy groceries. However H does morning duty most days, including breakfast, lunch, and all his therapy. On the occasions when we're both home, Logan doesn't generally prefer either of us, but I think is a bit more interested in whatever H is doing.

[Regina Philange]

Oct 29, 2014 13:50:30 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

I'm of the mindset (like the blogger) that if you make the doctor's appts or decide when doctor's appts are to be made, you're the default parent.

I also don't think being the default parent is inherently sucky.

Hmmm well I make wellness appointments but he usually does the sick appointments because we get him in first thing in the morning. So both of us again!

[Regina Philange]

Oh yeah I think H has bought like one article of clothing for him.

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 12:30:59 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

I think I've only met one male defalut parent

(who wasn't a single parent)

When DH is home from work, he is by far the default. H screams "no daddy" when I help with anything...

[dixeedeluxe]

Oct 29, 2014 17:58:51 GMT -5 Regina Philange said:

Oct 29, 2014 13:50:30 GMT -5 dixeedeluxe said:

I'm of the mindset (like the blogger) that if you make the doctor's appts or decide when doctor's appts are to be made, you're the default parent.

I also don't think being the default parent is inherently sucky.

Hmmm well I make wellness appointments but he usually does the sick appointments because we get him in first thing in the morning. So both of us again!

Does he ask you if he should go? My H will take them but will never make a statement that they need to go. He'll ask me. Or suggest as a question that's ultimately up to me.

It's OK though.

[dixeedeluxe]

I also think preferred vs default is different. I already forgot what the article said though. Haha

[fusion]

Oct 29, 2014 17:59:26 GMT -5 Regina Philange said:

Oh yeah I think H has bought like one article of clothing for him.

It would be soooo interesting to see what kids would wear if only the husbands bought clothing, lol. 

[imimahoney]

I can honestly say we are 50/50. Or maybe 60/40 but that's it. We both split tasks evenly and he is actually the first one to take a sick day from work. It started when I was on mat leave and I told Dh I couldn't be the only parent. He is immensely helpful in every way.