We have no premiums for health insurance through my husband's work AS LONG AS by April 1st of every year, you get a physical with the company's dr and fill out a questionnaire about how to become healthier (no actual changes need to happen, but you MUST fill out the questionnaire and turn it in by 4/1). If these 2 things are not done, the premium for health ins is $1200 for the year. This is an amazing benefit that his co offers and I do not take it for granted.
DH, despite me reminding him twice and his co reminding him in email form back in March, forgot to turn in the questionnaire. So now he gets an email sayng that $100/month will be deducted from his paycheck starting in Jan.
I am beyond furious. We just bought a new house 6 weeks ago and it needs a new section of roof and bathroom repairs to address leaks that we not found during our inspection (ugh). That $1200 would have gone a long way and this is huge. I yelled at him and he's pissed at me for making him feel bad. But I feel like he should feel bad! He hasn't even apologized...I got a text that said, "fyi: I screwed up and it's going to cost us $1200. Just a heads up." I freaked out! If I cost us $1200, I would be doubled over apologizing and expect him to be pissed at me. He wants me to be understanding, but I'm having a really hard time.
Any advice as to how to speak to him rationally about this and not kill him?
Post by polarbearfans on Oct 29, 2014 18:09:43 GMT -5
I would be livid. I yelled at my husband for not taking 5 minutes to do the health survey for $200. Like $200 means so little he can't give 5 minutes of time. I didn't share 1 penny of my $200.
Can he ask to turn it in now? Maybe they will take it late
Eh, bitch all you want here, but let it go at home. He knows he screwed up and now, literally, he's paying for it. At the end of the day, it's not the end of the world. As much as the $1200 sucks, at least it should be pretax $ to help soften the blow.
Post by imojoebunny on Oct 29, 2014 18:43:07 GMT -5
Ultimately, what does your anger accomplish? It doesn't change the expense. No doubt he feels bad about it and will learn from the experience. Shit happens. The sooner you move on and put it behind you, the better. If he does crap like this all the time, you have a bigger problem, but if it is uncommon, he made a mistake. How would you feel if you made a mistake and he browbeat you about it.
I also doubt he can get it changed (there are some pretty strict rules about that stuff), but it is worth a shot.
Post by crashgizmo on Oct 29, 2014 18:48:59 GMT -5
I don't know if this is how everyone would handle this, but do you and your DH get fun money? My DH is notorious for not turning his expenses in on time at work when he pays for something work related with our personal card, so if he doesn't I take it out of his fun money. After the 3rd or 4th $100+ expense I was done.
O.k. - so, today I looked at my dependant care FSA. I don't know what I did, but it looks like we're going to lose close to 1K. I don't know how I screwed up my caluculations to the tune of $1k (I do know where SOME of the loss comes from).
I feel like shit.
I get it that what your DH did was 100% in his control, but really.... he knows he screwed up and I would assume he feels like shit. This shouldn't be swept under the rug, but at the same time, being irate at him and not letting this go isn't going to help.
while my DH is not happy that we're losing this money, he also isn't riding my ass about it either. Which I appreciate. I'm beating myself up enough as it is.
Post by WinterWine on Oct 29, 2014 18:56:40 GMT -5
Id be super annoyed at tge added cost and how easily it could have been avoided. BIL ultimately what is done is done, and being mad won't reverse it. I'd be happy with him apologizing and agreeing to do it far in advance of the deadline for next year
This was my favorite part of being single. I didn't fvck-up a lot, but when I did, I didn't have witnesses and get tortured about it. I tortured myself.
Does your DH not care? Is he being a dick? Does this happen all the time?
I can't tell if this is a one-off or if he is an albatross around your neck. I guess that's the difference.
If I cost us $1200, I would be doubled over apologizing and expect him to be pissed at me.
I would be angry and frustrated too, absolutely, but some perspective:
The quoted isn't fair to project on him. "Doubled over apologizing"? I mean, this is MM and we're fairly fiscally conscious and all, but I don't see this as "doubled over apologizing" level. This is "sincere apology and I've already calendared it for next year so this doesn't happen again" level. Just because you would have that kind of OMFGHOLYSHIT reaction doesn't mean that's a normal or average reaction, or what you should hold him to! Meet him in the middle a little.
It's $100/mo. Not $1200 tomorrow. If $100/mo is truly going to break the bank, there's a lot more to discuss than just this.
Make a deal with him about something he'll give up or cut back on for the year to partly make up for it, elicit an apology that satisfies you in terms of sincerity, and call it done.
If this is not a common behavior for your H, I'd try to let it go. You already told him you're upset, continuing to rage isn't going to change anything about the situation and it's only going to make you both unhappy on top of it. It was a careless mistake, but hopefully he has learned his lesson and won't do it again.
If he is continually making expensive mistakes, maybe it's time to have a (calm) come to jesus talk about how to handle this sort of stuff going forward. Honestly, screaming at people rarely works or changes anything, so if you need to go this route I'd try to cool off first.
Eh, bitch all you want here, but let it go at home. He knows he screwed up and now, literally, he's paying for it. At the end of the day, it's not the end of the world. As much as the $1200 sucks, at least it should be pretax $ to help soften the blow.
This.
But you best bet the $1200 would be coming out of DH's 'fun money.'
Then try to find a way to get over it. Being angry won't fix this. Your H knows now that he messed up and he should be on board now with coming up with a solution to make sure things like this won't fall through the cracks in the future. If $1200 in a year is a huge blow to your budget, then ask him to sit down with you to find other places to cut in your spending to make up the difference.
This was my favorite part of being single. I didn't fvck-up a lot, but when I did, I didn't have witnesses and get tortured about it. I tortured myself.
Does your DH not care? Is he being a dick? Does this happen all the time?
I can't tell if this is a one-off or if he is an albatross around your neck. I guess that's the difference.
This is what I'm curious about and why I haven't responded. All the time? I'd be pissed as hell because he's likely careless and apathetic about these things. One time? Damn ok, he's probably beating himself up already, no need to egg on more.
I accidentally hit someone 18 months ago and it caused >$1k in damages to my car and a $60/mo increase on my insurance for 2 years. I was so upset and expected H to be too, but he was so calm that it was shocking to me. It actually made me feel better that he wasn't angry because I was already beating myself up over it.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Oct 29, 2014 19:59:07 GMT -5
So I literally did something very similar - but to the tune of 20k not 1200... in my case it was an honest mistake that I thought I was doing everything 'right' on and now I'm trying to minimize it by making phone calls to the insurance co and hospital begging for assistance.
If he has done everything he can to try and make it right, there's not much more you can expect him to do. What I'm not understanding is why it's just coming up now when the mistake was made in April.
I'm surprised at the responses. He fucked up. Part of fucking up is bearing the consequences. Both monetary and your spouse's ire. I would for sure yell at him and expect an apology and support in finding that money elsewhere in the budget. If I cost my family $1000 I would take my husband's venting and apologize and try to make it better.
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Post by ellipses84 on Oct 29, 2014 22:14:39 GMT -5
Hopefully he learned his lesson. This is a point I constantly try to get across to my DH. He's a budget conscious grocery shopper and doesn't buy much for himself, but he just doesn't get how his procrastination has an impact on our family finances. I completely understand your frustration, but I think you need to talk to him when you are calmer and talk about how he is going to help save money in the future or forego/postpone a big purchase he wants. $100/month pre-tax for health insurance is still an amazing benefit.
Ugh, I'd be so annoyed, and also partly at the apparent lack of remorse. MH failed to re-enroll in the child care FSA through his employer last year despite my asking about it, saying he thought it just continued unless you made changes. Anyway, his flippant attitude towards the lost tax savings was the thing that pissed me off the most. In the end, I just dropped it, and made sure to enroll in the FSA through my work this year. I know it's different because this is 100% in his control, but I seriously doubt he'll do it again!
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I'm surprised at the responses. He fucked up. Part of fucking up is bearing the consequences. Both monetary and your spouse's ire. I would for sure yell at him and expect an apology and support in finding that money elsewhere in the budget. If I cost my family $1000 I would take my husband's venting and apologize and try to make it better.
You would yell at him? Actually yell?
Maybe it's my personality but I try to never yell at my husband - or anyone for that matter. It's just not productive. Nor is verbally berating your H.
It's like when my H got a speeding ticket or when I illegally parked the car and it got towed. Shit happens. We both felt bad about our respective mistakes and a supportive spouse was more productive than a pissed off one.
When he was my boyfriend, I ran over my now-husband's mountain bike (definitely more than $1200) and destroyed it. I felt so sick, and I was sure he was going to break up with me over it. His ability to deal calmly with the accident went a long way toward setting the tone for our future relationship. You staying angry with him isn't going to do any good. You're absolutely in the right to have a talk (after you've calmed down) about the impact on your budget, and it's fair to ask him to figure out ways to make up the $, but being furious is only going to push him away.