2yo dislikes grandma....

[Deleted]

So, my ILs live in another country. They stay with us 2-3x a year for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks at a time. We don't regularly videochat or anything when they're not here (they don't initiate, either....). DS is very, very uncomfortable with both FIL and MIL, and MIL is overly sensitive about it. But she tries to push him into stuff on her terms instead of letting him take the lead. H and I have discussed it, but aren't sure what to do.

MIL is here by herself til Monday. They won't see DS again until next April.

He's 2.5 yrs old (approx.) and constantly cries if left alone with her, tells her not to touch him and says he doesn't like her ("mama, I don't like ganma...."

What do we do in this situation? I'm at a loss.

[Deleted]

I think you have to respect him and force anything. Dot leave them alone?

Our kids are nervous around ILs...they don't engage...they like to watch the kids play? My mom is all about them and plays and they adore her...ILs are nice of course...but just don't let them adapt and don't really try to engage much then get offended when my kids don't rush to hug them or something.

I suggest they can give a high five or something and we talk about them/show pictures when they're not here...but...If my kids aren't comfortable around them, then they just aren't ya know? We try to have fun while they're here and remind them how much they are loved when ILs aren't around.

Rambling...hope any of that helps?

[Deleted]

I'm torn @sing4mysavior. We've always said we wouldn't force DS to play or do an activity or say hi/hug/etc. if he wasn't comfortable. And he's shy and a bit introverted when it comes to big groups/unfamiliar situations. For the most part we've managed fine.

But by the same token I don't think it's right to allow him to say "I don't like grandma" when she's standing right there. So I really don't know what to do....

[Deleted]

Yeah...I probably wouldn't allow the "I don't like grandma" stuff...but we also don't force affection. Like...you don't have to fake affection...but you can't be mean. It's a tricky line with kiddos.

[quesyrah]

My 4 year old has never liked my parents and won't be left alone with them. We've talked about loving everyone in our family and I emphasize the good things about my parents and their house. I know what it is about my parents that DS doesn't like so I just limit his time around them and never leave him alone with them so I can help diffuse the situation. I fell for you, it's really hard when they don't like a family member.

[olivegoose]

I would encourage MIL to do some side by side playing. Just get on the floor and start playing with his toys. That has always worked with DD. I don't know if she will do that, but maybe it could help?

[Deleted]

Oct 29, 2014 19:44:42 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

DD went through a phase of saying she didn't like grandma. It turns out she was just mad at my mom, but I always insisted that she be respectful and saying you don't like grandma to grandma's face didn't meet my definition of respectful. I would tell her that we don't talk like that about grandma and if there was a problem we would love to work through it as a team. Privately, I would tell her that she didn't have to be around grandma if she didn't want to.

I would try to give him different words to use to express how he's feeling. He's saying he doesn't like her, which he might not, or he may not have the words to express that he's scared, needs a moment to warm up, doesn't like the way she's engaging him or countless other things. If you can get to the root of the issue maybe you can help him express it to her in a better way.

Your MIL also needs to buck up. He's 2.5. You shouldn't let a 2.5 hurt your feelings that bad. My mom was hurt by DD's comments, but I would remind her that DD is 3, has limited ability to communicate and is trying her best to let us know something isn't sitting right to her. Nothing more. Eventually we got DD to express that she was mad because grandma didn't come over to play with her. That's an easy fix. I haven't heard anymore about it since then. Hopefully you guys can get some resolution or at least give him so other words to use.

How do we do this? I'm totally open for suggestions.

I have a strong feeling that it's not that he doesn't like her, but he doesn't a) like how she engages him and b) is more comfortable if me or my H is present with her. He clearly doesn't want to be by himself with her.

[lexus]

Oct 29, 2014 19:48:24 GMT -5 @mrsmuq said:

Oct 29, 2014 19:44:42 GMT -5 @tooshort said:

DD went through a phase of saying she didn't like grandma. It turns out she was just mad at my mom, but I always insisted that she be respectful and saying you don't like grandma to grandma's face didn't meet my definition of respectful. I would tell her that we don't talk like that about grandma and if there was a problem we would love to work through it as a team. Privately, I would tell her that she didn't have to be around grandma if she didn't want to.

I would try to give him different words to use to express how he's feeling. He's saying he doesn't like her, which he might not, or he may not have the words to express that he's scared, needs a moment to warm up, doesn't like the way she's engaging him or countless other things. If you can get to the root of the issue maybe you can help him express it to her in a better way.

Your MIL also needs to buck up. He's 2.5. You shouldn't let a 2.5 hurt your feelings that bad. My mom was hurt by DD's comments, but I would remind her that DD is 3, has limited ability to communicate and is trying her best to let us know something isn't sitting right to her. Nothing more. Eventually we got DD to express that she was mad because grandma didn't come over to play with her. That's an easy fix. I haven't heard anymore about it since then. Hopefully you guys can get some resolution or at least give him so other words to use.

How do we do this? I'm totally open for suggestions.

I have a strong feeling that it's not that he doesn't like her, but he doesn't a) like how she engages him and b) is more comfortable if me or my H is present with her. He clearly doesn't want to be by himself with her.

What makes you think he doesn't like the way she engages with him? What does she do?

[feffy]

I mean, do you really care? I used to get all upset because DD can be really cold. But, meh. It's not really your job to force chemistry. But it is your job to teach him that words hurt and that when he says that stuff it makes grandma sad. Is she a fun grandma? Does she smile or tickle or anything? If she's ice cold, then I don't really blame him.

But I'm bad because unless my kid is screaming, I will toss her into a relative's arms and let her do her awkward/mad stare. If she wants off after that, then that's that. I try not to let her be straight up mean though.

[gastro]

My DS was the same way with MIL and I would just say , " that hurts momma because I love grandma and I know you love grandma".
My MIL didn't seem to take it personally. she actually just left on Monday and they had a really great visit so I'm sure in a few months your DS won't say that.
My DS even went as far as to say she smelled funny and that he wanted other grandma (my mom who lives nearby). I cringed every time he said something, but he outgrew it!
I would point out things about her that are postive all the time - like grandma made such a delicious soup she's such a great cook or if they gave him a toy point out how great it is. I would continue to say these positive things even when she isn't around and maybe encourage more telephone or video chats.

Edit: I never left DS with mil because he seemed so uncomfortable with her, but after this last visit I definitely would let her babysit if she offered.