I am on the fence about BFing and it kills me that people will be judging me as a mom from minute 1 if I choose not to. I promise that I will still love and adore this kid and take amazing care of him. You don't have to feel sorry for him. It's just that I think I personally will be a better mom if I FF: less stressed (I can tell how much he eats), less tired (H can take some feedings) and more refreshed (I can run solo errands and recharge my batteries. Alone time is very important to my mental health and I am a better person after having some).
And at what point does the judgment stop? It is okay if you decide you don't want to after you've tried it for a week? A month? A year? Or is not wanting to NEVER good enough and only baby-led weaning is acceptable?
At a macro level I do care how people feed their children (not just babies). Is that flammable? I mean I hate hand wringing over a stray goldfish but I think we all want healthy children, not just our own. Not related to this exactly but just the general sentiment of YOU CAN NEVER JUDGE ANYTHING EVER. Like I am not sitting around judging but I think nutritional research is good.
Yes, and I think people have gone a little too far in the "mind your own business" direction on some things. I mean, it's not officially your business, but as a big picture you (general "you") should care about other people's choices, because they're not made in a vacuum.
I am on the fence about BFing and it kills me that people will be judging me as a mom from minute 1 if I choose not to.
I really hate to tell you this but there are SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS that other moms will judge you for doing. Some will judge you for doing A, but a whole other set would judge you for not doing A, and on it goes.
Best to just ignore and trust your instincts. Do what works for you and keeps you healthy, sane, and happy
If you are truly interested in breastfeeding and are just unsure about logistics, how to make it work, etc., I'd suggest going to a good class with your DH. If you really aren't interested and just feel like you should be, that is totally fine, too, but I just wanted to share because I found the class we took to be very helpful and it made me much more comfortable and confident about breastfeeding. It is 100% okay to not breastfeed, though. (ARE THERE ENOUGH DISCLAIMERS THERE?)
ETA: Forgot to say, combo feeding (breastfeeding AND formula feeding) is a thing. We did it because I had a traumatic pumping experience and can completely relate to a strong need for alone time. So, that's an option if you want it.
I just want all parents to make an educated choice. The only thing I side-eye is when people decide anything parenting related based on blatantly incorrect information, whether that be "I'm going to FF because I heard BF babies are spoiled and don't sleep" or "I'm going to BF because formula is full of ZOMG ingredients that will poison your babies." And this applies to all parenting choices. "I don't want to" is all the reason I need because I absolutely agree with h point about bodily autonomy.
FTR, C was combo fed after 6 months and I will gladly introduce formula earlier this time if I feel a need to.
At a macro level I do care how people feed their children (not just babies). Is that flammable? I mean I hate hand wringing over a stray goldfish but I think we all want healthy children, not just our own. Not related to this exactly but just the general sentiment of YOU CAN NEVER JUDGE ANYTHING EVER. Like I am not sitting around judging but I think nutritional research is good.
But formula produces healthy children. We aren't talking about a bottle containing a cheeto smoothie or something.
People who say that remind me of my fucking parents. "How do you know you don't like lentils if you don't try?" Fine. Touché. "But how do I know I won't like meth if I don't try it, mom?"
There are a million things I could TRY. But this is MY life and go fuck yourself with this try shit.
So you only enroll your son in activities he has asked to try, right?
We all play this "try it" game, no one is above that.
Touché.
But to be fair, he hated art. So no more art. Lolz.
I just want all parents to make an educated choice. The only thing I side-eye is when people decide anything parenting related based on blatantly incorrect information, whether that be "I'm going to FF because I heard BF babies are spoiled and don't sleep" or "I'm going to BF because formula is full of ZOMG ingredients that will poison your babies." And this applies to all parenting choices. "I don't want to" is all the reason I need because I absolutely agree with h point about bodily autonomy.
FTR, C was combo fed after 6 months and I will gladly introduce formula earlier this time if I feel a need to.
Yes. I've been angered much more as a FF mom by the posts that are like "I don't want to give my son formula because of the risk of obesity" than the posts that are just like the one for this poll, not understanding why you wouldn't at least try. So basically I can't stand it when people think formula = poisonous big macs in a bottle but am only slightly annoyed when they think breastfeeding is superior just because of antibodies and stuff.
I don't think that makes sense at all. I don't think I even understand what I just wrote.
Here's the thing. I think about having a second but not bf'ing at all. Then I feel bad - Iike why not try for the second if you did for the first and had no problems with supply?
So if I don't 100% support it for myself, I can't say I 100% support it for others.
Obviously I wouldn't and haven't said anything to a FF (either in judgement or support), so make of that what you will.
I don't know if you meant you weren't sure where you stood or not, but this could be said for a lot of things. Like, I'm not trying to equate BFing with abortion AT ALL. But while I personally wouldn't choose it for myself, I support others being given that choice. So I'm pro-choice. Even though I wouldn't do it myself.
Here's the thing. I think about having a second but not bf'ing at all. Then I feel bad - Iike why not try for the second if you did for the first and had no problems with supply?
So if I don't 100% support it for myself, I can't say I 100% support it for others./quote]
I don't see why you can't support it for others if you don't support it for yourself. Barring major health issues, I would carry to term if I found out tomorrow that I was unexpectedly pregnant. Yet I have zero problem supporting the right of every other woman on the face of the earth to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. Hell I would die on the proverbial hill for that right 10 times over. I don't see how this is different.
I'll admit I'm not this noble. If I were to find out one of my friends thought this way, especially knowing that I FF, it would probably change my opinion of them. It's hard not to think of someone as a dick when I think they should just mind their own business on how people feed their kids. You (general) can feel one way about how you would do something yourself and still understand and accept that others might not feel that way and are doing something different. Like, I have friends that are exclusively nursing (not even bottle feeding) their toddler but they still support my decision to FF.
And if the people that vote "no" are so hung up on thinking people should EBF, they better damn well be feeding their kids only unprocessed organic food because otherwise... glass houses.
I'm confused. 1- I did not read a no answer as saying you have to EBF.
2 - so I can't have an opinion I keep to myself but you can judge me for my opinion?
How should support look? This is the first time I've said this and would never say it in real life, probably not even if asked directly.
I think the people who are super hurt aren't as OK with it as they say. I will not change my opinion of someone who tells me I shouldn't give my 1 year old screen time. Unless they never shut up about it, in which case my problem is that they are obnoxious, not that they hold this opinion.
I'm confused too. I'm not sure what you're asking, but I personally would rather my friends keep these kinds of opinions to themselves because I don't want it to color my view of them. I think they have every right to their own opinion, but I'd like to be ignorant to the ones that offend me. Like why I don't talk about religion and politics with some people.
I'll admit I'm not this noble. If I were to find out one of my friends thought this way, especially knowing that I FF, it would probably change my opinion of them. It's hard not to think of someone as a dick when I think they should just mind their own business on how people feed their kids. You (general) can feel one way about how you would do something yourself and still understand and accept that others might not feel that way and are doing something different. Like, I have friends that are exclusively nursing (not even bottle feeding) their toddler but they still support my decision to FF.
And if the people that vote "no" are so hung up on thinking people should EBF, they better damn well be feeding their kids only unprocessed organic food because otherwise... glass houses.
I'm confused. 1- I did not read a no answer as saying you have to EBF.
2 - so I can't have an opinion I keep to myself but you can judge me for my opinion?
How should support look? This is the first time I've said this and would never say it in real life, probably not even if asked directly.
I think the people who are super hurt aren't as OK with it as they say. I will not change my opinion of someone who tells me I shouldn't give my 1 year old screen time. Unless they never shut up about it, in which case my problem is that they are obnoxious, not that they hold this opinion.
Rereading this, I would say this is where I would be too. Except I would find the statement obnoxious the first time it was said to me. And this probably doesn't make sense, but my level of annoyance would be proportional to how good of a friend they were to me. Like a random acquaintance? Eh. Slightly obnoxious. A good friend? More disappointment than anything.
I kind of don't care what stupid misconception you base your decision on as long as you are happy and don't preach your bullshit to others. Like if you think babies who are FF sleep longer and yours does, more power to you. Or if you BF because you think BF babies are healthier and your baby never gets sick, cool beans.
@littlemoxie, I didn't have any supply issues or any physical issues really, aside from typical early BF woes. I wanted to try to be happier and enjoy my time off with my second. I guess that's why I didn't feel bad about not putting in the same effort on feeding.
I think this is the main point that I'm not eloquently stating. A lot of my feelings come from reading stupid people preach their bullshit online.
The worst thing about FF is the lack of resources. Nobody tells you how much to feed, how to prepare, when to slow down, how often,
that sounds really frustrating. I always just assumed there were instructions for that sort of information the can. (This is not snarky or judgey, I have zero experince with formula, so I really don't know, but I always assumed if there was an emergency. I would be able to pull out a can and figure it out). It makes sense that people would need more support, I have just never given it much thought.
Before having DS and taking a breastfeeding class, I was in the you should at least try camp. However, after having a refluxy, miserable newborn, and realizing I spent the first 2 months of his life obsessing over breastfeeding instead of bonding with my child, I'm firmly on the do what works for you side and if it doesn't work right away with #2, I'm switching right away.
I once posted in an UO thread that I thought waking to pump in the middle of the night for a year was excessive and a few people jumped on me for that. I assume they would vote no in this poll.
Why do you assume they would vote no? Being extremely dedicated to breastfeeding/giving breastmilk (which I assume someone that's waking MOTN to pump is) does not necessarily mean you are anti-FF.
This isn't necessarily true. I have been through a lot to breastfeed my kids, especially the twins, and it is important to me and I have said so in the past. Many people would not make that same choice. But, I do not care at all if someone else chooses to ff.
For me, this is similar to being pro choice. Just as I personally could not have an abortion but fully support a woman's right to choose that option for herself; I choose not to ff but I absolutely support a woman's right to choose that option for herself. Her body, her choice.
We're up to almost a quarter of the board feeling this way FYI.
You don't know that it's "the board" though. For all we know MH's dreadful aunt is lurking and voting. I was standing outside the room when I overheard her verbally flame me to SIL because I weaned DS1 at 6 months. She just flat out thinks FF makes you a shitty mom. It REALLY upset me and still kind of does but I know I'm not going to change her mind.
I am very pro-breastfeeding. To the point that I have volunteered and been trained by the NHS to go into hospitals, groups and new mums homes to help them learn to breastfeed. I have been to pro-breastfeeding protests (for allowing public feeding). And the thing I was most excited about when I was pregnant was knowing that I would be breastfeeding again.
That said I also had post natal depression last time. And this has influenced my attitude towards lots of things, including breastfeeding. I will only help a new mom learn to breastfeed if it is something she really wants, and not something she has been guilted into. I firmly believe that a mum's happiness and mental state is way more important than how she feeds her child.
That said, I do judge the mum I saw at the gym that filled her baby's bottle with Pepsi Max.
TBH, I'm jealous of FF moms who could pass off baby to dad or another caregiver because my kid refused bottles and I had no freedom for more than a couple hours until she was 8+ months old. But I felt such pressure to BF that I hesitated on the bottle and she only took it a handful of times before refusing completely.
I'll be brave. "if they only reason is the mother has no interest" is my holdup. I mean, I know it's none of business the reason why someone chooses to formula feed vs bf, and generally speaking I don't care. If I hear someone ffs because of supply, or latch or depression or problems with bfing previous children - all are reasons I think to myself "in their shoes I would ff too!". But if someone I met told me the ONLY reason they are ffing is because of "no interest" that would be something I would judge on a (relatively small) level if I was being honest with myself. And really, a large part of that stems from my own choices not theirs. My daughter has a cleft palate (not lip) and can't bf, so I EP. And so my judgement of someone who ffs "for no reason" would stem from the fact that it would make ME feel like I was being judged for putting so much effort into giving my daughter bm and placing so much value into that and this person obviously isn't placing the same level of importance on it, as if what I am doing doesn't make a difference. That I'm just wasting my time and energy pumping when I could just ff. Which may not be their thoughts at all, but the poster above who judged the middle of the night pumping makes me think I'm probably not wrong about that 100% of the time (for the record I don't pump in the middle of the night).
And I say all that with also this - I bf'd my son for 15 months too BUT I have given both of my children formula at times without batting an eyelash because I don't think formula is bad or something. It's not about the formula at all for me - the formula is not what I am judging. It's just wanting deep down for others to place the same value on bfing that I do - and if it didn't work out, oh well.
And that was really long for something I almost never think about IRL - because I honestly have never met anyone who has given a reason for ffing as "I have no interest". It's always been that they tried previously (with that child or a previous one) and it didn't work out. Or some other factor outside of their control prevented them from trying. Or I don't know their reason, and I just assume they do have one beyond a lack of interest - I don't care enough to ask and also it's none of my business.
I think this poll should have had more options: Yes- I BF Yes- I FF Etc
Because none of the judgers are EFFers. It's only people who were successful at getting enough BM for their kid (and I'm betting those without children) who judge those who choose not to BF.
(Forgive my disjointed post. I had two ciders and it's late. I hope I made sense.)
I'll be brave. "if they only reason is the mother has no interest" is my holdup. I mean, I know it's none of business the reason why someone chooses to formula feed vs bf, and generally speaking I don't care. If I hear someone ffs because of supply, or latch or depression or problems with bfing previous children - all are reasons I think to myself "in their shoes I would ff too!". But if someone I met told me the ONLY reason they are ffing is because of "no interest" that would be something I would judge on a (relatively small) level if I was being honest with myself. And really, a large part of that stems from my own choices not theirs. My daughter has a cleft palate (not lip) and can't bf, so I EP. And so my judgement of someone who ffs "for no reason" would stem from the fact that it would make ME feel like I was being judged for putting so much effort into giving my daughter bm and placing so much value into that and this person obviously isn't placing the same level of importance on it, as if what I am doing doesn't make a difference. That I'm just wasting my time and energy pumping when I could just ff. Which may not be their thoughts at all, but the poster above who judged the middle of the night pumping makes me think I'm probably not wrong about that 100% of the time (for the record I don't pump in the middle of the night).
And I say all that with also this - I bf'd my son for 15 months too BUT I have given both of my children formula at times without batting an eyelash because I don't think formula is bad or something. It's not about the formula at all for me - the formula is not what I am judging. It's just wanting deep down for others to place the same value on bfing that I do - and if it didn't work out, oh well.
And that was really long for something I almost never think about IRL - because I honestly have never met anyone who has given a reason for ffing as "I have no interest". It's always been that they tried previously (with that child or a previous one) and it didn't work out. Or some other factor outside of their control prevented them from trying. Or I don't know their reason, and I just assume they do have one beyond a lack of interest - I don't care enough to ask and also it's none of my business.
I mean this kindly, ok? Not snarky at all.
If you met some stranger and were discussing baby feeding, do you really think she'd come out and say "oh, I don't want to nurse because I was raped/abused/traumarized" or whatever? I think that most people that say "I just didn't want to breastfeed" do have *some* reason, they just might not want to get into it with a random stranger at the mall, ya know?
I had a friend who BF her first baby for 2 weeks and stopped. I didn't find out until 6 years later, that she had a previous breast surgery and that's what made nursing so difficult for her. I had slightly judged her for "giving up" (before I even had kids and I was clueless about how hard it would be) and I felt like such a jerk when I found out about her breast surgery.
I BF and FF DD1 because my milk supply sucked, and then my boobs dried up completely at 6 months. I BF DD2 for a full year and I was (and am) SO proud of this, but really it's only because she wouldn't drink formula that I stuck with the BFing. I felt very judged and had people make shitty comments to me when buying formula. You know what, fuck them. I was feeding my baby, and that's what's important.
Like I said, I actually assume that they do have a reason other than "no interest" (because IRL for me that has always been the case when people have talked to me about it) and if they didn't tell me a reason I would never ask someone what that reason was because it's none of my business. BUT if someone said hypothetically, without my prompting, "I ff my kid because I have no interest in bfing" I would judge a little bit because that would make ME feel like I was being judged for trying so hard with pumping as if it's not important enough to even consider trying to do. But I would NEVER EVER EVER say anything outloud about that because I realize it's more about me than them and I'm not that big of an asshole. And I 100% don't judge people who bf for even a short period of time and then switch to ff, because bfing is some hard shit and you tried so I comfortably feel you probably aren't judging me for bfing/pumping because otherwise you wouldn't have tried in the first place, so I feel no reason to judge you for ffing. Like I said, selfcentered judging over here, I'll own it - I only judge when I think I am being judged. It's not even about the formula.
My daughter has a cleft palate (not lip) and can't bf, so I EP. And so my judgement of someone who ffs "for no reason" would stem from the fact that it would make ME feel like I was being judged for putting so much effort into giving my daughter bm and placing so much value into that and this person obviously isn't placing the same level of importance on it, as if what I am doing doesn't make a difference. That I'm just wasting my time and energy pumping when I could just ff.
It's not about the formula at all for me - the formula is not what I am judging. It's just wanting deep down for others to place the same value on bfing that I do - and if it didn't work out, oh well.
I really identify with this. I have no judgement whatsoever if you choose to FF. But I also really struggled with BFing for a solid 3 months, and felt like I worked so hard to get through it (to be fair, after 3 months, it went a million times better). I kind of felt "indirectly" judged when someone said they obviously would FF if BFing was a huge challenge. Happy mom, happy baby and all that - it's hard to explain. Was I wasting all that hassle? Obviously don't want to be a mommy martyr either.
Before I had DD, I was very, "whatever it takes to feed the baby" but when she was born, I had a really hard time with giving up on BFing. But there is A LOT of BFing pressure in Scandinavia - since most ppl have 9months+ Mat leave, you're sort of expected to BF. And the midwives all had LC training, and at the hospital it's assumed that all new moms will at least attempt it.
Which may not be their thoughts at all, but the poster above who judged the middle of the night pumping makes me think I'm probably not wrong about that 100% of the time (for the record I don't pump in the middle of the night).
Of course you're not wrong! That's why the shock and horror in this thread is ridiculous. For every person who doesn't "support" (whatever that means) another for FF just because, there is a person who doesn't "support" another for BF when it gets fucking hard. And that isn't some kind of secret. Many here have stated it. So all the histrionics in this thread are a mystery to me. NONE of this is news.
And I do sympathize with anyone who gets blatantly judged for formula feeding. I EP so my daughter only gets bottles and I have gotten SO MANY dirty looks and comments from strangers on their assumption that the bottle has formula in it. Listen asshole, for one thing there is nothing wrong with formula, I have given my child formula at times, and for your information this is a bottle of breastmilk so fuck you. So as you can tell, I don't make assumptions about others in regards to feeding babies and I would never say anything to anyone - I've experienced that first hand and I was shocked that people say shit and give dirty looks. I thought that was going to be the one benefit of pumping, no dirty looks or comments for bfing in public like I got with my son! Seems everyone gets dirty looks and comments no matter what.
I will only click "yes" if we can agree that any "but whyyyy" questions posed to BFers are equally as obnoxious as asking why someone chooses to FF. This includes, but is not limited to, "but why are you still BFing your child" (when there has been an issue or when the child is past a certain age, usually 12 months), "why are you pumping" (exclusively or MOTN or whatever), and "why are you doing this in public right now?" (This last one doesn't apply to Internet discussions, obviously.)
but really, mine is an unqualified yes. I just wish people wouldn't project so much in either direction. I should be able to do whatever I want without it being interpreted as a statement on what I think everyone should do because it simply isn't.
There are instructions about how to prepare a bottle and store formula, but that's it. I kept wishing I'd written down stuff like how much and how often j drank so I would refer to it after E was born. I also had to call the pedi to make sure I could use powdered formula for a new newborn bc I didn't use it with j until she was 6 weeks old.
Thanks that makes sense. I do really hope my statement didn't seem judgy, I really just wasn't sure.
I will only click "yes" if we can agree that any "but whyyyy" questions posed to BFers are equally as obnoxious as asking why someone chooses to FF. This includes, but is not limited to, "but why are you still BFing your child" (when there has been an issue or when the child is past a certain age, usually 12 months), "why are you pumping" (exclusively or MOTN or whatever), and "why are you doing this in public right now?" (This last one doesn't apply to Internet discussions, obviously.)
but really, mine is an unqualified yes. I just wish people wouldn't project so much in either direction. I should be able to do whatever I want without it being interpreted as a statement on what I think everyone should do because it simply isn't.
I felt SO bad for you when you were struggling to BF & your Mom made some assy comment to you.
I feel like on the topic of infant feeding most people need a firm " fresh prince" Mind Ya Business" reminder.