I just need to talk

[Deleted]

First of all- this isn't your fault!!! You were doing what you thought was best for her at time.

Delaney complains of vaginal pain occasionally and also acts like she's in pain when I try to clean it or look to see if anything is there (per her pedi's orders btw) she was also cathed though so maybe that doesn't help.

No matter what you shouldn't feel bad. Maybe next time she says it hurts you can ask if you can look to see what's hurting so you'll know how to help her, maybe she won't fight it as much if she realizes you're trying to help her.

Also Delaney has repeat uti's and complains of pain. They think her uti's are caused by something external becuase of the type of infection so we have to be extra good about cleaning her and being gentle. Maybe C has something similar? I know I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But hugs!!

[mala]

While that experience was horrible, and could contribute to her behaviors, it might also not have. B HATES if we try to get a look at her privates. She does not stand for it, and she's never had anything traumatic like that. I get the guilt you must feel

[Deleted]

Also when D was cathed I had a hard time with the decision too but like you, I did what I thought was best at the time.

[TrudyCampbell]

Violet had to have a catheter put in and the scenario was exactly like that- me holding her down while she screamed and tried to get away. It was awful. You did the right thing.

[fusion]

(((hugs))) you did what you thought was right, with the information from someone that is in a position of power.

[laurensmomma]

I'm so sorry. You made the decision ththat seemed like the best option at the time, and I'm sure it was the same decision most of us would have at the time. She was having issues, and you needed answers. I know it's hard, but just nlknow you made the best decision possible at the time.

Big hugs

[honeybee503]

First of all, ((hugs)). You weren't doing anything wrong by allowing them to check for a UTI. You were being a good parent and letting the doctors make sure that wasn't what was bothering her.

I know this is a little different, but we brought Natalie to the ER this summer because we thought she might have a UTI. She seemed to be in pain and wasn't dirtying her diapers. It turned out she was really constipated. The doctor had to give her a suppository and he removed some of the blockage (sorry for the TMI). She cried and hated every second of it. She talked about it for probably over a month afterward. Anytime she pooped she would tell us that it hurt and get sad saying no doctor. She wasn't constipated those times, just kept remembering what had happened. It took quite a bit of time but eventually she stopped saying that and seems to have pretty much forgotten about it now.

I know it's so hard to see your child go through any type of difficult medical procedure, but you were just being vigilant and making sure everything was all right.

[shevacc]

Big hugs sweetie! You were doing what you thought was best to help her feel better and be healthy. She knows you're coming from a place of love and care so although there might be some physical pain (hard to tell with toddlers) I wouldn't worry about emotional hurt. There's a world of difference in your intentions and she knows she's very well loved.

[alicia45]

What a terrible and emotional experience. I'm so sorry. I've had a cath put in wrong before and it really burned but not so awful that I was traumatized. I mean, I get a little nervous when they say they'll have to do it for a c-section but not debilitating. I'm sure she just remembers the emotions about it. When A gets shots, she literally cries for days about her boo boo. Every time she looks at her legs and sees the tiny needle point she starts crying all over again until they are healed. I know they don't hurt any more but she's remembering the boo boo part. Maybe she's just remembering that whole ordeal and it's okay for her to be emotional about it. Everyone was upset about it. Honestly, you did what you thought was right at the time. You can't beat yourself up for what happened. Moving forward, I'd just use it as a learning experience. Now you know that when you're uncomfortable in a medical situation that you should speak up. We're all still first time moms in a lot of ways. Having a medical emergency isn't a usual occurrence and we'll all have a first time experience when it happens. Please, you can't feel guilty for the events that occurred. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had. Just give her extra snuggles as she processes through it and be extra patient when you have to change diapers or look down there. I'm so sorry that happened.

[honeybee503]

Oct 31, 2014 22:06:34 GMT -5 pinksapphires said:

honeybee503, thank you for sharing your story. It does help. I'm sorry that happened to you as well, but it's helpful to hear that it got better with time. C has always liked going to the doctor, but ever since she's said she didn't like the doctor and was scared and that the doctor hurt her.

If she has any appointments coming up, maybe try watching the Daniel Tiger doctor episode? Natalie loves that one. We also bought her a doctor kit and she enjoys that as well.

I hope that this will pass soon.

[creamsiclechica]

Oh, honey, I am sure you are really putting yourself through the ringer for this, and you shouldn't, even though it's hard. You made the right call, because if she had one, treatment would be best. I know it's really in the forefront of her mind right now, but it won't always be. We've had the cath too, and I stayed outside the room and rocked and cried while she screamed with Matt and it haunted me for awhile. She brought it up, but it did disapate with time and reassurance.

Please know you did everything right. Please know you didn't damage her in any way, sweetie. Big, giant, super hugs.

[mala]

You were not a coward! You did what you thought was best at the time and trusted the doctors. They(she) did what they thought was best at the time too.

Have you had any discussions with C about what happened and why?

[creamsiclechica]

I will add similarly, A has fear of the doctors too because of all the ear stuff. But like honeybee said, doctor's kit and books have helped TREMENDOUSLY. We have a Richard Scarry giant word book, and there's a two page spread on doctors and dentists. We looked at that like every day for awhile and pointed things out. We let her do pretend check ups.

Maybe you could make a pedi appointment for a check up after a little while and have the doctor just show her things in the room, instruments, etc, talk to her about how doctors help not hurt, get stickers. If you think your doctor would be on board with that. Maybe you could prep her for this to happen at the 3 year well visit?

ETA: I know doc stuff isn't the primary concern. But maybe getting her more comfortable that way might lessen te association for her a little between pain down there and getting checked!

[alicia45]

Oct 31, 2014 22:16:02 GMT -5 pinksapphires said:

alicia45, I think that's the worst part for me. I was uncomfortable and even asking if they were going to numb her was a challenge for me. I trusted they weren't going to hurt her. I feel like I let her down as her only advocate and she has to pay the price for my cowardice.

I completely understand how you are feeling because I've let myself blindly trust those in respected positions before and been burned.

With that said, no no no.

We cannot wallow in that. We need to learn from it. You trusted the doctor. A doctor! He/she knew what they were doing and you trusted them, because that's what we do. We trust doctors. You've let this event eat you up for over a month but what you did in that situation is exactly what many many of us would have done. You did the right thing. You trusted the doctor. No more feeling guilty about it. We, as moms, are doing the very best we can. You did the very best you could for her and got her medical attention. What happened after that wasn't and will never be your fault.

Now, promise yourself that the next time you feel uncomfortable about something, speak up. Ask more questions. I've made myself the same promise and I feel a lot more confident going into situations now. I will not just let things happen anymore.

I promise you, if you're calm about her nether region and be patient with her, she'll eventually forget about it. I know when A is super emotional about something that if I stay ultra calm, keep my voice low and controlled, she in turn, calms right down. Do you think watching Doc McStuffin would help?

You're an amazing mom, you got this. Big hugs.

[lolaburns]

You made the right decision. I would have done the same thing.

We have a similar situation as honeybee503. He hasn't gone to the doctor for it, but L gets stopped up, we have to give him a laxative. It is BEYOND traumatic for all of us. My H and I are literally nearly in tears. Then L talks about it for days, gets scared about going to the bathroom and complains of it hurting. Eventually, they will forget about it.

You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty about this.

[mala]

In your position, with b, I would talk about it whenever she brings it up. I'd acknowledge how she must have felt but tell her it was to help her get healthy.

[alicia45]

Oct 31, 2014 22:43:47 GMT -5 lolaburns said:

You made the right decision. I would have done the same thing.

We have a similar situation as honeybee503. He hasn't gone to the doctor for it, but L gets stopped up, we have to give him a laxative. It is BEYOND traumatic for all of us. My H and I are literally nearly in tears. Then L talks about it for days, gets scared about going to the bathroom and complains of it hurting. Eventually, they will forget about it.

You absolutely shouldn't feel guilty about this.

Have you asked your pedi about Miralax? A used to get stopped up a lot, like hard rocks when she finally went. Our pedi said 1/2 the normal dose everyday. So, I would put it in 75 percent water/ 25 percent juice and she'd love it. It allowed her to go easily. Pedi said that it isn't addictive as it just binds extra water to the poop to make it easier to go. He also said she could be on it long term.

Eta: when doing Miralax, she would drink it every day. As her body got better about making poop, we went to every other day and now only when she struggles to get it out.

[lolaburns]

alicia45 yea eventually we did the Miralax. Our pedi wasn't into it , but I did it any way. I cut back his dairy, limit bananas and try to get fiber in wherever I can. I've cut the Miralax back to 2-3 times a week.

[bean47]

Big hugs. I'm sorry you're carrying that guilt. I would have made the same decision, you did nothing wrong.

[katie]

I'm sorry, it is so tough sometimes. I had to make the catheter decision for Lillian too a few months ago. She would hold her pee and then Scream when she did pee. No UTI, it was the start of PTing so she was just scared. But I had no idea, I immediately thought something was wrong.

It was not a good experience. All we want to do is help them feel better and it's hard when they can't fully explain it to us. ((Hugs))

[carawestt]

I'm so sorry I would have made the same decision if I were in your position.

[dojo]

I think what others have said have been really positive and insightful. I don't have much to add, other than guilt is a natural feeling in parenting. When I feel particularly guilty about some outcome or another I remind myself that I don't know what would have happened if I had made a different decision and I might be feeling just as guilty no matter what. If she did have a uti and you refused the catheter you'd probably feel guilty for delaying the diagnosis. If you had demanded annesthetics she might have been upset about how they were administered (I'm not sure what they do but I'm imaging a needle to the vaginal area which seems like it would be more uncomfortable) or maybe other complications would have arisen. You made the decision you thought was right the time and you were guided by medical advice. You didn't make a decision for selfish reasons. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Hugs lady.

[katfco]

I'm sorry. When Abby was this age, she developed vulvovaginitis and had to have a catheter. We explained it was to "help her pee" (she'd been holding it in because it hurt, so they did have to empty her bladder). They were very gentle, and she didn't cry or anything, but the surprised/scared look on her face was very difficult to take.

We talked a lot about how they needed to do it to help her, but up until just 2 years ago, she would occasionally say, "Remember when I had to go to the doctor and they had to help me pee?" I was really afraid she had been traumatized. Fortunately, she seems to have forgotten it.

You did the right thing. Unfortunately, medical procedures hurt sometimes. The best thing we can do is talk about, yes, sometimes it hurts, but most of the time it doesn't. Providing more comfortable experiences will help her forget about that uncomfortable one.

[artgal84]

I just saw this. When L was younger she had a very high fever and they suspected a UTI. The nurses at her doctors office kept attempting to cath her but she was so little (10 months) that they couldn't do it. They tried three times and the last time she screamed this terrible sound while staring me in the eyes and I just broke down. I still get teary thinking about it, she was even bleeding a little. We had to bring her to the children's ER, wait 4 hours and have it done there. She didn't even have a UTI, it was roseola.

I felt guilty for a long time about it because I felt like I let them hurt her. I know they needed to do it, it's just as a mother and fellow female you feel protective of that and all the connotations of fear or inflicted pain that go along with it. Your daughter knows that you will protect her and also make sure people treat her fairly because you are a great mother. I feel ok about what happened with L now because it solidified in me how I am her advocate and voice while she is little. Hugs.

[joyhart02]

You got some great advice here. I just wanted to add after potty training L she did have on and off vaginial pain for like a year. I don't know if she was more sensitive or whatnot but she we went through like 18 hours of her not peeing because she said it hurt. Diaper cream and aquafor helped a lot so I think it is just like a diaper rash but in the bag. I had talked to another mom group and it seems pretty common for little girls.

[jenbelle]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.  I can't imagine how badly you feel/felt.  But thankfully, I think she won't remember.  I doubt this helps, but J yells/screams bloody murder any time we touch his penis or testicles. (and keeps telling us it hurts). 
Big hugs!!!!

[kdrake8]

Honey. You did not do anything to her and you did not let her get hurt. I completely completely understand where you are coming from but she is ok and it was for a medical procedure. Please don't torture yourself that you didn't protect your sweet girl - you did!

Love you. Message me if you need to.

[melmon0417]

I'm so sorry. I would have made the same decision you did, because you needed to make sure she didnt have a uti. If you're concerned there is really something wrong, you could put a call into the pedi. More than likely she will forget about the cath and feel better over time. Hugs.

[jfh]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The other ladies have given really excellent advice and thoughts, and I can't add anything more. Just want to reiterate that you made the right decision at the time out of love and concern. That's what a good mom does. Like dojo said, you don't know how things would have gone if you had made a different choice. You were working off of the best information you had. And as shevacc said, she knows you were acting with loving intentions, so even though it may have hurt physically, she absolutely will work through it and not be traumatized. It sounds like you're handling it perfectly. Big hugs.

[joyhart02]

Nov 1, 2014 8:57:41 GMT -5 pinksapphires said:

Nov 1, 2014 8:24:55 GMT -5 joyhart02 said:

You got some great advice here. I just wanted to add after potty training L she did have on and off vaginial pain for like a year. I don't know if she was more sensitive or whatnot but she we went through like 18 hours of her not peeing because she said it hurt. Diaper cream and aquafor helped a lot so I think it is just like a diaper rash but in the bag. I had talked to another mom group and it seems pretty common for little girls.

that is helpful to hear. We were in the midst of potty training and the doc said that sometimes they hold their pee plus that being in diaper part time at this age can cause a uti. Something along those lines. It's comforting to hear this discomfort is possibly just a part of potty training. Thanks for the tips!

I think a big thing for us too was going straight to toliet paper. After we had the horrible thing for her holding it in forever we went back to baby wipes all the time after she peed.