My bday is Monday, I figured we'd go out to dinner Sunday(me, J, my mom and her bf ugh). So my mom just called me asking if we were going on Mon and I told her i prefer Sunday. I thought we'd go to a local casual Italian place that my family has been going to for years. She said, well we thought we'd take you to xyz place and J can come too and we will drive. (Xyz place is her bfs favorite place that he introduced her to and is a buffet and 45 min away). I told her I'd prefer the local place. (And side eye her comment about J) She proceeds to tell me that it must be that J doesn't want to go (I'm in my car alone having this convo) and that I take the joy out of every birthday and holiday. I got defensive and told her it's MY bday!!! Why can't I go where I want to go?!? She said " whatever, bye" and hung up! Did I say something wrong? Am I unappreciative? She's making me feel like I'm in the wrong here.
Post by 1confused1 on Nov 20, 2014 16:59:38 GMT -5
I think I asked this before, but have you considered going to therapy with her? My parents and I do and it has made a WORLD of difference in our relationship.
I think I asked this before, but have you considered going to therapy with her? My parents and I do and it has made a WORLD of difference in our relationship.
Her reaction to me suggesting therapy last time was just short of her spitting fire like a dragon.
Post by jojoandleo on Nov 20, 2014 17:15:45 GMT -5
Hell to the no! As the self labeled birthday expert- YOUR birthday, YOUR choice. I'd tell her that is your Sunday plan and she is welcome to come, otherwise, you all will miss her! Said brightly.
Post by glitzyglow on Nov 20, 2014 18:44:08 GMT -5
Why does your mom so desperately want to hate J? She is not treating you in a healthy or respectful manner. Maybe it's time to take a break from her for a while.
Post by stephreloaded on Nov 20, 2014 18:44:39 GMT -5
The more you tell us about her, the more I dislike her. It is always about her. I love it how she blames everything on J when she is the one who has the co-dependency issues.
Why does your mom so desperately want to hate J? She is not treating you in a healthy or respectful manner. Maybe it's time to take a break from her for a while.
I don't know..because he's introverted??? I could bring home the king of the world, a total knight in shining armor and she'd have something to pick at. I will have a break from her probably for a month or so while she's down south beginning at Christmas. I've never had serious issues with her like this before so it's really shitty and a mind fuck for me.
The more you tell us about her, the more I dislike her. It is always about her. I love it how she blames everything on J when she is the one who has the co-dependency issues.
Ding ding ding! You got it. It sucks for me as an only child who's been close to her all my life. She hasn't a clue how to be alone. And I think it secretly pisses her off that I'm not at all like her personality wise. I'm independent and goal oriented and always have been. She is not. At all.
Post by Wanderista on Nov 21, 2014 10:16:06 GMT -5
Wow, I'm sorry, she sounds so stressful and emotionally draining. I agree that if she isn't willing to own her role in the problems then it is a good idea to minimize your engagement with her for a while. She isn't treating you very well. Actually, it sounds like she is trying to control you, trashing J to you is part of that. She is undermining your life choices.
I guess what you need to do is to create some boundaries. I know it sucks but definitely stand your ground. Also, if she keeps badmouthing J, tell her directly to stop. This is also easy for someone from the outside to say but try to avoid letting her toxic energy bring you down. Also, feel free to talk about your feelings when you need to. It is an emotionally difficult situation.
Wow, I'm sorry, she sounds so stressful and emotionally draining. I agree that if she isn't willing to own her role in the problems then it is a good idea to minimize your engagement with her for a while. She isn't treating you very well. Actually, it sounds like she is trying to control you, trashing J to you is part of that. She is undermining your life choices.
I guess what you need to do is to create some boundaries. I know it sucks but definitely stand your ground. Also, if she keeps badmouthing J, tell her directly to stop. This is also easy for someone from the outside to say but try to avoid letting her toxic energy bring you down. Also, feel free to talk about your feelings when you need to. It is an emotionally difficult situation.
Thanks. Sometimes it helps to just vent here. She is draining.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Nov 21, 2014 10:41:58 GMT -5
Your mom seems to have a mental illness.
I would say "it's my birthday and I would really prefer to go to this local place. I really had my heart set on it. It seems like you really want to go to this buffet, so let's plan a time to go there next week."
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Obviously you are not wrong. I would definitely not drive 45 minutes for a fucking buffet ON MY BIRTHDAY. Your mom is ridiculous - she talks all this shit about J, but now she wants to overrule YOUR birthday choice and go to her bf's favorite place? Wtf?
I hope she decides to get some help because it seems like she is really damaging your relationship. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, and I hope you have a great birthday!
DUDE! I saw this post and I was like how did @blueyes623's mom top herself now. And wow just wow. I don't know how you do it. I would be so pissed. It would be on thing if the buffet was ON TOP of the italian plans. Then I'd be like well you're being a little ungrateful these people just want to take you to dinner. But that is CLEARLY not the case. She is being so ridiculous and rude. I would go with well I'm celebrating my birthday at 7pm on Sunday and (delicious sounding btw) Italian place. You're welcome to join us.
God I'm really sorry. I wish I didn't live almost as far as possible from you or I'd take you out dinner at anyplace you wanted to go.
Why does your mom so desperately want to hate J? She is not treating you in a healthy or respectful manner. Maybe it's time to take a break from her for a while.
I don't know..because he's introverted??? I could bring home the king of the world, a total knight in shining armor and she'd have something to pick at. I will have a break from her probably for a month or so while she's down south beginning at Christmas. I've never had serious issues with her like this before so it's really shitty and a mind fuck for me.
Do you think it's because she knows you don't like HER boyfriend? Was she always this way about your BFs?
My mother and sister went through this completely weird jealousy stage where they acted like peers instead of Mother/Daughter (boyfriends, clothes, parenting skills were all up for grabs). I'm glad they finally got over it because it was weird as fuck and extremely uncomfortable for the rest of us.
The reason I'm asking is because you make it clear (maybe just here) that you don't like him and don't want him around, maybe it's a tit for tat thing? I have no idea, but I hope she gets over it soon and accepts that your BF is going to be around. And likewise, that her BF is her person of choice.
Of course you aren't wrong about wanting to have your BD dinner at the restaurant of your choice. I'm sorry all your holidays are so stressful.
ETA I thought my mom was at fault for that, just to be clear. I'm not saying you're at fault for the way she's acting.