Has a friends behavior totally shocked you?

[Deleted]

You guys...PDQ....I just learned something about a friend of mine and I am sworn to secrecy yet my mind is blown. So...I can only share with my MM pals.

For you...have you ever been totally shocked by a friends actions?

My story: I just learned that the reason a friend of mine ... Let's call her Kara...left our firm is she was having an affair with another coworker, let's call him Matt.

Apparently affair went on for a while. Jesus. Matt still works with us. Matt divorced and was super private as to why. Kara is still married, 2 kids, fabulous life on paper.

My head is spinning, because I would have never guessed, ever. I learned all this tonight from coworker Sam who promised me to secrecy. Oh my.

[roseflower]

Wow that is a lot...

Ive definitely been caught way off guard by some friends...realizing I may not have know them as well as I thought.

Sad situation!

Sent from my SCH-I535 using proboards

[sjh722]

That's a lot to process! It really shakes you up to hear something like that.

We had a friend "mike" leave his wife "Ellen" when they had a 3-day old baby. Swore nothing was going on, but wife suspected he was carrying on with our mutual friend "Jane". Sure enough, 2 months later Jane turned up pregnant. You can't make this stuff up!

[Deleted]

Woah! That's juicy stuff.

I've only been shocked by how some of my friends spend money. They traded up in houses and both bought brand new vehicles this year, while she has NO, NONE, NOT ONE RED CENT in retirement savings and they're not saving for their kids to go to college.

Yes, I'm judgmental about how people allocate resources. Should have seen this coming since I'm on MM, right?

[Deleted]

sjh722 do you feel like you were just missing things when this stuff happens? That story is insane...like, oops here Jane is all knocked up isn't that a coinky dink

[Deleted]

Nov 20, 2014 23:54:31 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

That's a lot to process! It really shakes you up to hear something like that.

We had a friend "mike" leave his wife "Ellen" when they had a 3-day old baby. Swore nothing was going on, but wife suspected he was carrying on with our mutual friend "Jane". Sure enough, 2 months later Jane turned up pregnant. You can't make this stuff up!

Do you happen to have "mike's" address? Because I'd like to cut his balls off... 

[Deleted]

@idaholakelady, I pulled a legit Elaine Benes "get out" when Sam coworker told me. He said he expected to see a bruise on his arm tomorrow morning because I pushed him so hard.

Is my Midwest showing? Am I too trusting?

Kara is still with her husband who works with us. #MindBlown

[Deleted]

A friend of DH's has the most jealous wife (she cried at a wedding because he was in the WP and had to dance with a bridesmaid) they were having problems and she eventually moved out. They decided to work things out and she moved back in but was still under a lease agreement. Anyway, one night she was having a ladies night out and did not come home...DH's friend went to her house and saw a guy jet out the back door, they are still working things out. I get trying to reconcile but when she leaves mid reconciliation to cheat???

[Deleted]

Whoa.

Nothing in my immediate circle, but I think dh's mom's life would make one hell of a lifetime movie (she hid a pregnancy fro, FIL after they spit up (not his), and DH's half sister, who is 7 years younger than him, showed up on his doorstep when she turned 18 to introduce herself).

[crashgizmo]

OMG yes. My close friend J, who actually became my boss for a short time, was married for a few years when I met her. About a year in to me knowing her, she hooked up with a client of ours. Just once. And then, when I pried, I learned that her marriage was horrible and he was an abusive dick. My now exH and I had gone out with them tons of times and didn't see it at all. That doesn't excuse her actions, but it was an eye opener.

THEN, she stayed married for like 5 more years with no other issues....then started seeing a mutual friend of ours. They actually had an affair for almost 2 years (he was also married) until her H found out. He left her and her guy left his wife. They've been married for 4 years now. I honestly think they are really happy, and while I don't agree with her actions, I feel like I am a little more understanding that not every situation is exactly what it seems.

Walking a mile and all that....

[heygrey]

my (former) BFF pulled some crazy shit and it just got to be too much. she rekindled a relationship with an ex, married him quickly, and within weeks was crying over marital issues. they tried counselling among other things, but less than a year into their marriage she confessed that she was sleeping with another guy. she thought she was pregnant, didn't know who the father might be (husband or other dude)... it just kept getting worse and worse. her husband finally filed for divorce. I tried to support her in an "I love you, but I don't agree with your choices" way, but she would get really angry if I ever called her on her shit. I couldn't passively condone her actions with silence so I bailed. sometimes I still feel bad that I just walked away from our friendship, but I don't know what I would have done differently. the whole year-ish this was going on was so surreal. h and I kept asking, "is she for real? is this actually happening?" every piece of the story just made it more bizarre.

[dexteroni]

One of my most reasonable, thoughtful, and respectful friends carried on a long-term affair with a married man. We all knew the guy and his family, and some of us had known his wife even before they married. It was sooo awkward, and it went on for like four years off an on. She finally came to her senses, and now can't believe she ever did it, but it affected our friendship while it was going on. Whenever I'm reminded of it, I still can't believe she did it at all, let alone for so long.

And that couple is now divorced, which was long overdue even before this affair happened, and each party is happily remarried.

[dexteroni]

Nov 21, 2014 0:38:14 GMT -5 heygrey said:

I tried to support her in an "I love you, but I don't agree with your choices" way, but she would get really angry if I ever called her on her shit. I couldn't passively condone her actions with silence so I bailed.

I was getting close to this point myself, not even so much out of judgment, but because it was such an incredibly uncomfortable situation, I just didn't want to be anywhere near such a miserable train wreck. At one point I had to tell her I didn't want to hear her speak his name ever again. My friend didn't get angry when we called her on it - she would actually agree with us, but never did anything about it. Until she finally did, and thank God for that.

[h]

Years ago, I was very close friends with a woman who worked at my law firm. We had lunch every day, socialized with our H's most weekends, she was the first person I told about my first pregnancy, etc.

Then she left our firm fairly abruptly and went to another law firm. I started seeing less and less of her, and she was always busy getting ready for a massive trial. Eventually, she asked me out for drinks and confessed that she was having an affair with a partner at the new firm and was leaving her H. She and the guy she was sleeping with left the firm in rather dramatic fashion and moved to California together. Shortly thereafter I ran into her ex-H and learned that she had been telling him that she was staying with me to help with my new baby because I was "had terrible PPD and couldn't function." Meanwhile, she had not even bothered to stop by to see the baby until he was over a month old, I was totally fine and quite functional, and she was fucking her boss while using my newborn as her alibi.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

The only shocking one I can think of was years ago when my then single, 26yo CW turned out to be pregnant. It later came out that the father was our 52yo married-with-kids assistant manager.

I remember being so shocked bc I thought he was a really decent guy, but it did teach me to be a little less quick to judge. Apparently he had been sleeping on the couch for years & was waiting for his last kid to graduate hs before divorcing. He ended up divorcing his wife & marrying CW & having a few more kids with her. They were actually pretty good together & as far as I know they're still together.

[heygrey]

dexteroni, I wish I could have gotten even the slightest hint of "I know I'm making stupid choices, but I'm doing it anyway." I could have worked with that, like you, ivy agreeing to never discuss it. instead, when I asked her how her husband reacted to learning of her affair she got SO angry that I would accuse her of such a thing and that it wasn't an affair because she was already divorced in spirit. how do you respond to that?!

[dexteroni]

Nov 21, 2014 1:29:54 GMT -5 heygrey said:

dexteroni, I wish I could have gotten even the slightest hint of "I know I'm making stupid choices, but I'm doing it anyway." I could have worked with that, like you, ivy agreeing to never discuss it. instead, when I asked her how her husband reacted to learning of her affair she got SO angry that I would accuse her of such a thing and that it wasn't an affair because she was already divorced in spirit. how do you respond to that?!

Divorced in spirit? Oh lord. Yeah, I would have bailed too.

[crashgizmo]

Nov 21, 2014 1:38:05 GMT -5 dexteroni said:

Nov 21, 2014 1:29:54 GMT -5 heygrey said:

dexteroni, I wish I could have gotten even the slightest hint of "I know I'm making stupid choices, but I'm doing it anyway." I could have worked with that, like you, ivy agreeing to never discuss it. instead, when I asked her how her husband reacted to learning of her affair she got SO angry that I would accuse her of such a thing and that it wasn't an affair because she was already divorced in spirit. how do you respond to that?!

Divorced in spirit? Oh lord. Yeah, I would have bailed too.

What does divorced in spirit even mean? I'm divorced. I was either divorced or I wasn't. 

[Deleted]

h omg on your baby as her alibi....jesus..

[gibbinator]

That's a lot of sudden information.
My best has twice dated married men. I'm going to chalk it up to youth, since she was early 20s, but it definitely made me think less of her (I was especially offended as I was recently a married when I found out)

[tacom]

My dad was always disgusted by cheating and dishonesty. Once he called my aunt's boyfriend (she was mid-20s, things were pretty serious but no engagement) to tell him that she was cheating.

Then he had an affair with my cheerleading coach (and years later they eloped). They both had young kids and spouses at home. Her family and friends don't know the relationship started before her marriage ended. She has lied and asked us to lie, too.

[pattieice]

What perfect timing! I heard some news last night and had no where to share it.

My SIL has been married for 13 years to a great guy and they have 2 kids. She told him that she wanted a divorce in July. She couldn't understand why her parents didn't want to meet her new boyfriend.

I found out last night that her divorce was finalized last week and her and the new guy are now engaged. Her and the kids will be moving into a house that the new guy just bought. The kids have met him 3 times.

We think that she has been seeing the new guy for about a year. Her exH had no idea. And the kicker? She is 36 and he is 25!!!

[sjh722]

Nov 20, 2014 23:57:41 GMT -5 @shoegal said:

sjh722 do you feel like you were just missing things when this stuff happens? That story is insane...like, oops here Jane is all knocked up isn't that a coinky dink

Ellen, the wife, had hinted at having problems but she thought it was exhaustion/lack of communication/just being busy, both working FT, being pregnant with a toddler...Mike had lost a bunch of weight in a weight-loss contest at the fire house, and so had Jane, who was an EMT. He kept swearing up and down that they were just friends, even after he moved out of his and Ellen's house and in with his parents. Then Ellen called me and was like, "So, guess who's pregnant?"

So, I guess we suspected it AFTER they split up/noticed it in retrospect, but that was a shocker when it happened.

Oh, AND he didn't want Ellen to tell anyone they were split up, because it would make him look bad. Naturally, no one kept that a secret, because he was a magnificent asshole and anyone who leaves his wife and newborn doesn't really deserve a lot of privacy. AND THEN, he had 2 daughters from his first marriage, Jane had a daughter from her first marriage (she also got divorced after this cluster), THEN, she got pregnant, THEN, she had another accidental pregnancy like 14 months later. So now Mike, who thought he was hot stuff having an affair and too cool for his wife, has 5 children ages 2 - 9 to support. The fun of that affair was over quickly.

[Deleted]

This thread has really reinforced the life lesson that you really truly do no know what happens behind closed doors.

I am supposed to go to lunch with Kara in 2 weeks. How can I keep a straight face?!

And, how am I going to keep this to myself...thank god for you MMers

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2014 7:16:19 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Nov 20, 2014 23:57:41 GMT -5 @shoegal said:

sjh722 do you feel like you were just missing things when this stuff happens? That story is insane...like, oops here Jane is all knocked up isn't that a coinky dink

Ellen, the wife, had hinted at having problems but she thought it was exhaustion/lack of communication/just being busy, both working FT, being pregnant with a toddler...Mike had lost a bunch of weight in a weight-loss contest at the fire house, and so had Jane, who was an EMT. He kept swearing up and down that they were just friends, even after he moved out of his and Ellen's house and in with his parents. Then Ellen called me and was like, "So, guess who's pregnant?"

So, I guess we suspected it AFTER they split up/noticed it in retrospect, but that was a shocker when it happened.

Oh, AND he didn't want Ellen to tell anyone they were split up, because it would make him look bad. Naturally, no one kept that a secret, because he was a magnificent asshole and anyone who leaves his wife and newborn doesn't really deserve a lot of privacy. AND THEN, he had 2 daughters from his first marriage, Jane had a daughter from her first marriage (she also got divorced after this cluster), THEN, she got pregnant, THEN, she had another accidental pregnancy like 14 months later. So now Mike, who thought he was hot stuff having an affair and too cool for his wife, has 5 children ages 2 - 9 to support. The fun of that affair was over quickly.

Holy moses. Wow.

That story reminds me of what a family member is going through....her H got all in shape and behavior changed. He was cheating. Ugh.

[scout8]

One of my good friends had an affair with her boss for years and she didn't tell any of us. She eventually told us when he left his wife. I had no idea and was shocked. They are now happily married.

Another friend of mine (although we aren't very close anymore) has been in a relationship with another man for years. He isn't married, but is also in a relationship with the mother of his children. They both know about each other and allow this to continue. He lives part time with my friend, part time with the other woman. I think that is about all the details I can give without making people identifiable here. It is so fucked up.

[scout8]

Nov 20, 2014 23:54:31 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

That's a lot to process! It really shakes you up to hear something like that.

We had a friend "mike" leave his wife "Ellen" when they had a 3-day old baby. Swore nothing was going on, but wife suspected he was carrying on with our mutual friend "Jane". Sure enough, 2 months later Jane turned up pregnant. You can't make this stuff up!

It sounds a lot like this book:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/9300.Watermelon

[sjh722]

Nov 21, 2014 7:24:13 GMT -5 scout8 said:

Nov 20, 2014 23:54:31 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

That's a lot to process! It really shakes you up to hear something like that.

We had a friend "mike" leave his wife "Ellen" when they had a 3-day old baby. Swore nothing was going on, but wife suspected he was carrying on with our mutual friend "Jane". Sure enough, 2 months later Jane turned up pregnant. You can't make this stuff up!

It sounds a lot like this book:

www.goodreads.com/book/show/9300.Watermelon

LOL, it does. I should tell Ellen.

[cajunmom]

Yes. My BFF has been having an affair with a professor she had in college. It's been going on for at least three years now. I was shocked when I first found out, but at this point she technically just has an open marriage. She and her husband never have sex, she's flat out asked him what he thinks she's doing since they're not having sex (she's much higher libido than him...he only wants to have sex when they're actively TTC) and he said she's probably having an affair. She asked him if that would upset him and he said "No, just don't tell me." They're very nice to each other, there's no fighting or animosity, they're just terribly matched for marriage.

ETA: I should add that my friend is 33. The professor is 63, and he's married as well.

One other story, but this girl wasn't a friend, just a co-worker. She had married into money and started having an affair with another of our co-workers, who was married with one child and another on the way. He ended up leaving his wife while she was still pg. The girl's ex-husband ended up suing her to get her e-ring back because it was a family heirloom. It was such a mess.

[barefootcontessa]

my friend's stepmother who raised her since since was about 4 had an affair with my friend's husband. not surprising, it sent my friend into a tailspin of depression.  I was close to all three persons.