How do you know when you're "done"? having kids that is

[breacosmom]

I'm a lurker, but I've had a few drinks so I'm brave enough to actually do a real post. 

I have 3 kids-my oldest almost 5 and twins who will be 3 in December. I never thought I'd be contemplating a 4th, but I am. How do you know when you're "done?" Part of me wants to experience a normal pregnancy and just 1 newb again, but I'm not sure if I actually want another (though obviously I wouldn't regret any child I had). My H and I have had to use IUI (donor sperm)/an RE to get pregnant so it's not just something we can leave to chance.

Do you ever feel done?

[escrow]

I knew I was really seriously done when the thought of an oops terrified me way more than excited me. That and I called to schedule dh's vasectomy without batting an eye.

[breacosmom]

Nov 21, 2014 0:22:50 GMT -5 escrow said:

I knew I was really seriously done when the thought of an oops terrified me way more than excited me. That and I called to schedule dh's vasectomy without batting an eye.

about 6 months ago the thought of having another would have terrified me, but I've been wanting another lately. My H has major baby fever so that might be influencing me I'm sure, but our kids are so so cute. It's hard not to want to snuggle a newb again...

[escrow]

Sounds like you're not done

[shell24]

I was done after 3. It was a very different feeling from just having 2. Part of it is just that feeling, and the other part is mental - affording 4 kids, having a 4th would require someone sharing a bedroom, not thinking I'd be a very good mom to 4 kids, etc.

Also, I didn't cry when we discussed the vasectomy and when my H actually got it.

Now that my baby is 15 months I sometimes get a twinge when I see a new baby but it's fleeting. A friend of mine who has 4 kids told me her husband said to her, at some point we have to move beyond the baby stage. And that stayed with me. I love love love the little ones, but I am also loving the stages my older 2 are in and I know we have so much more to look forward to as well.

I look at my family and know it's complete. And I think it comes down to that, the feeling in your gut.

[breacosmom]

shell24 (I don't even know if I'm tagging you right)

I don't know what it's like to have only 2. So I think if I had #2 and #3 separately I would definitely be done. Twins are rough. I barely remember their first 6 months lol, so I fully admit selfishly wanting to be able to snuggle just 1 baby again.

I definitely didn't have the "done" feeling after my son, but now it's hard to say. Of course all my kids are asleep right now. Ask me at 5 o'clock and you may get a completely different response

[looseseal]

I knew right away, while I was still pregnant. It probably helps that I don't enjoy being pregnant or having a newborn, and had hyperemesis and depression during pregnancy. And we can't afford more than 2, lol.

[breacosmom]

Nov 21, 2014 0:49:23 GMT -5 looseseal said:

I knew right away, while I was still pregnant. It probably helps that I don't enjoy being pregnant or having a newborn, and had hyperemesis and depression during pregnancy. And we can't afford more than 2, lol.

well yeah I can totally get behind that. My 1st pregnancy was ok, but the twin was kinda sucked. I don't know if that was just bc it was 2 or what. I actually cried most of the day that I found out it was 2 so I definitely would have been done then. But  I want to have a baaaaaby again lol. 

[sessy]

I can related to you on the twin thing (Who btw are were also born with IUI and a donor). I think if my two had come to me as singletons, I would be done. But i really want to have one baby, with a normal pregnancy. My twins are 5 now and I'm still traumatized by the whole thing so another baby would be off in the distant future for many many reasons.

[stealthmom]

Nov 21, 2014 0:22:50 GMT -5 escrow said:

I knew I was really seriously done when the thought of an oops terrified me way more than excited me. That and I called to schedule dh's vasectomy without batting an eye.

I like this answer. It makes sense to me.

I remember that sick feeling at the thought of getting pg before I was ready (even after I married dh.) It makes sense that that feeling will come back when I'm done. I'm not there yet though.

[katfco]

A few months after Caleb was born, DH started talking about being done, and after several months, I realized I liked the idea of having another baby, but I wasn't sure I wanted another child, if that makes sense.

I did make him promise, though, to be open to adopting at some point in the future if our finances change and once my career's sorted out. It's funny; I can't see myself having another child, but I can see us with another one or two at some point.

[louie]

I am trying to figure that out too. We have two kids now and are on the fence about a third. I never thought I would ever even consider 3 kids but here I am. I remember thinking when I was pregnant with my youngest that it wasn't my last but that feeling went away and has just recently resurfaced. My h is pretty sure he is done but won't book his vasectomy so I don't know (obviously if he says he absolutely doesn't want another baby then we are done).

I just don't want to have regrets either way but I can't seem to figure it out.

[eddy]

I just knew I couldn't handle more.

I also had a oops scare and it terrified me so that solidified that I was done.

Also I am vain. And we don't have money for a third. etc etc

[eddy]

Also now that H has had the V I feel liberated. I know that sounds dramatic but that is how I feel. I can make career moves without the fear of having another baby slowing me down. We can make plans for the future and know again we won't be slowed down by a baby. I can buy clothes and know I will wear them in the future. Stupid stuff like that. I love feeling I don't have to put my life on hold again.

[papie]

I have 3. I would have a 4th but honestly I'd rather die than get pregnant again. Each pregnancy was harder than the previous so there is no way I'd go for #4.

[papie]

Nov 21, 2014 0:22:50 GMT -5 escrow said:

I knew I was really seriously done when the thought of an oops terrified me way more than excited me. That and I called to schedule dh's vasectomy without batting an eye.

This too! I took a test a couple of months ago and almost cried I'm happiness when it was BFN, lol

[KKD]

Nov 21, 2014 6:09:07 GMT -5 katfco said:

I realized I liked the idea of having another baby, but I wasn't sure I wanted another child, if that makes sense.

Makes sense to me. I love pregnancy and the newborn stage and have always said I'd have a dozen babies if I could, but I definitely don't want a dozen kids. I feel more done now that we have three kids than I did when we just had two, but I still waffle on having a fourth. I know I will always want another baby, but do I really want another child? It doesn't help that H has gone from laughing at the idea of a fourth to suggesting it himself.

I like what shell24 said – we all have to move beyond the baby stage at some point. Part of me can see the light but another part of me wants to turn back around and start over again. I don't know how not to look back.

[gummybear]

I knew before I even got pg. with #2. And while I was pg. with her, I have to be honest, I was just as excited for my tubal as I was for birth. BUT I pretty much have ptsd from TTC, losses and being PGAL.

I still have nightmares about being pg., and when I have u/s for other things (like my thyriod), the hum and smell of the u/s rooms gives me panic attacks, so yeah, I've never looked back.

[gummybear]

Nov 21, 2014 6:45:21 GMT -5 eddy said:

Also now that H has had the V I feel liberated. I know that sounds dramatic but that is how I feel. I can make career moves without the fear of having another baby slowing me down. We can make plans for the future and know again we won't be slowed down by a baby. I can buy clothes and know I will wear them in the future. Stupid stuff like that. I love feeling I don't have to put my life on hold again.

THIS!!! I say this all the time. I've never been happier. I feel like there are no more "what ifs" and "when". We can plan vacations, moves, work stuff, renovations etc. without thinking about another child. I myself feel like I have reclaimed my entire body as MINE again and I'm in the best shape of my life. Closing that chapter for good has been so healing for me, mentally.

[candreco]

To some extent while I was pregnant with my second, and then particularly after he was born, I just felt like our family was complete. I feel good about how the time and resources we have available work for two kids, I like knowing that my body is really, truly mine again, and I really just can't imagine adding another baby here. When I hold friends' babies, I don't get that same rush of gooey feelings I did before kids. DH scheduled a consult for a vasectomy, and I had zero twinges about it.

[CurlyQ284]

I got a little sad a few months ago but snapped out of it. As DS is getting older, we have more freedom and I don't want to go back. We couldn't afford another until he is in kindergarten and I just want to enjoy it. Plus we have always been stretched thin with all three kids. He will go into kindergarten about when SDs start heading to college. I would rather be able to spend money on the kids we already have. Help SDs with college, afford sports for DS. Take a nice vacation etc.

[penguingrrl]

We have always said we wanted 3 kids (and we both came from families of 3). When #2 was born we did not feel "done" and had a feeling we would want to have another. Once #3 arrived we felt like our family was complete with no questions at all. DH got a V when DS was 2 months old and, like PPs, I feel liberated. It's wonderful not to have to even think about it.

We have an added complication that I ended up with pregnancy induced hypertension with all three and with the third it started early and led to two months of very strict bedrest and my OB recommending against being pregnant again. So even if I didn't feel done, we would be done.

[Deleted]

I'm still struggling with this (about whether to have a second) but here's an observation: You keep saying you want to experience another singleton pregnancy and you want to snuggle another baaabbby ... but then what? Do you actually want another child (preschooler, teenager, college kid, etc.) in your family or do you just want a do-over on what you already have?

So far it sounds mostly like nostalgia talking. At least from your posts.

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2014 6:45:21 GMT -5 eddy said:

Also now that H has had the V I feel liberated. I know that sounds dramatic but that is how I feel. I can make career moves without the fear of having another baby slowing me down. We can make plans for the future and know again we won't be slowed down by a baby. I can buy clothes and know I will wear them in the future. Stupid stuff like that. I love feeling I don't have to put my life on hold again.

My H has not had a V but this is how I feel now. 

I still get twinges of doubt sometimes. Especially when DD is about to be two. Still having one in diapers makes it easier. It might be hard when we are truly done with baby things. Or it might make this feeling even better. I don't know. 

However... the above in bold is SO liberating. 

[noodleskooze]

Im not done, but I was just thinking the other day about eddy's point. I don't like my job, but it's great for being flexible and having babies, so I don't think I'll look for something else until after we have another.

[jreeds]

Maybe you don't just "know" or feel "done"?

This is where I am at. I definitely don't have that feeling that we are done. I'm trying to look at it from a more logical standpoint though.  Pros & cons list etc. For me, I loooooooved the newborn stage. Year 4 was hard for us with DD and DS is just now coming out of the terrible 3's. I'm trying to wait and see what the next few months bring before we decide.

Also I have a friend who has 5 kids and she STILL doesn't feel done. But she is stopping anyway because she's pretty sure her "done" meter is broken

[meganew]

I wish I knew the answer to this. I thought for sure I'd be done at 2, but I'm definitely leaning towards having another. I know it's in our best interest to stop at 2, but I've always saw myself with a bigger family and a full house.

H was feeling baby fever for a hot second and is now firmly in the "2 is enough" camp. His vasectomy is in 2 weeks : (

[eb777888]

I want the baby, it's the pregnancy and PPA I dread. I do want another baby but I do not think it will happen.

[fivechickens]

I was done the second the Dr told me I was having triplets.

[snipsnsnails]

Kind of related to you, OP, but we have a close friend that had twin boys with her first pregnancy and thought they'd add one more kid. Well, she got pregnant with spontaneous triplet girls.

As much as she loves her family, she's really wrestled with the idea that raising multiples is not the same as singletons. She didn't get to experience the one baby-the newborn stage with one like she thought she would. But now, she's come to know that's all about her and she's put that to rest to focus on not being...I don't know what the word is..resentful is too strong. Maybe wistful? But it took a long while. Her kids are 10 and 6 now. And she knew she was done, but is still wistful for the different experience.

Again, not totally the same, but something you said reminded me of my friend.