Sticky family situation, who should spill the beans? update

[jlt19]

in replies

FIL is getting remarried. He's been with the woman for 15 years, but she's also the woman he left MIL for. It's a weird/awkward/unhealthy situation all around. MIL's been upset about this other woman for 15 years. She's going to flip when she finds this out. No need to tell me that she needs to get over it, I know this, but I also know it won't happen. I just wonder who should be the one to tell her. One of her kids? FIL? FIL's parents, whom she's very close with? Surely no one wants to, but she needs to know at some point.

[rosiebear]

Draw straws?

If your H knows, I think he can tell his mom.

[noodleoo]

Not it! That's all I've got.

I'm guessing FIL should probably be the one to tell her if they still talk. Otherwise, I'd just stay as far from it as possible.

[rosiebear]

There will probably be fallout, and if your H is planning on attending his dad's wedding, he should brace for it.
My ex is the one who told me he was getting remarried (and vice versa), but it wasn't 15 years after we divorced, and we were (and are) still raising our kids together, so it was different.

It's going to come up, so not telling her isn't really a good option, imo. Just bite the bullet and decide how you're going to handle her accusing you of betrayal if you want to attend the wedding, go to "that woman's" house for holidays, etc. Good luck; I hope she reacts better than you expect.

[berbles]

Leave an anonymous note in her mailbox? LOL

[eav2c]

Nov 21, 2014 14:18:54 GMT -5 mp said:

Not to be dumb - but why does she *need* to know? If she's going to flip her shit, I wouldn't bother telling her.

If she was sane & handling the situation healthily, I would. But otherwise, I would distance myself from this situation and not put myself in the middle of it.

If she isn't told and somehow finds out I would think that it would make it even that much harder. I cannot I imagine finding this out and knowing that everyone else knew. That would hurt even more, I would think?

[jlt19]

Nov 21, 2014 14:25:41 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

There will probably be fallout, and if your H is planning on attending his dad's wedding, he should brace for it.
My ex is the one who told me he was getting remarried (and vice versa), but it wasn't 15 years after we divorced, and we were (and are) still raising our kids together, so it was different.

It's going to come up, so not telling her isn't really a good option, imo. Just bite the bullet and decide how you're going to handle her accusing you of betrayal if you want to attend the wedding, go to "that woman's" house for holidays, etc. Good luck; I hope she reacts better than you expect.

She's going to have to eventually know. They're from a small town, everyone knows everyone else's business. Even though she doesn't live there right now, she visits often and is friends with people on FB. It should come from a family member IMO.

And holy hell, the fallout. The first time she found out we took our baby (now 4 year old) over to the FI's house? She cried b/c we had hurt her so badly. It's a fucked up situation, to say the least.

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2014 14:39:15 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

Nov 21, 2014 14:25:41 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

There will probably be fallout, and if your H is planning on attending his dad's wedding, he should brace for it.
My ex is the one who told me he was getting remarried (and vice versa), but it wasn't 15 years after we divorced, and we were (and are) still raising our kids together, so it was different.

It's going to come up, so not telling her isn't really a good option, imo. Just bite the bullet and decide how you're going to handle her accusing you of betrayal if you want to attend the wedding, go to "that woman's" house for holidays, etc. Good luck; I hope she reacts better than you expect.

She's going to have to eventually know. They're from a small town, everyone knows everyone else's business. Even though she doesn't live there right now, she visits often and is friends with people on FB. It should come from a family member IMO.

And holy hell, the fallout. The first time she found out we took our baby (now 4 year old) over to the FI's house? She cried b/c we had hurt her so badly. It's a fucked up situation, to say the least.

UGH. I'd have zero sympathy for that. My FIL pisses me off regularily because he brings up all the time how terrible MIL was for just up and leaving them all and all the stuff she didn't do as a result - it's been over 25 years, he's remarried and has an adult son with 2nd wife. Move on.

I guess DH should tell her and be ready to say "I thought you would like to know, so I've told you.  However I'm not listening to this.  He's my dad and I love him." and hang up or leave.

[eav2c]

Nov 21, 2014 14:38:41 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Nov 21, 2014 14:32:07 GMT -5 eav2c said:

If she isn't told and somehow finds out I would think that it would make it even that much harder. I cannot I imagine finding this out and knowing that everyone else knew. That would hurt even more, I would think?

If after 15 years she gets angry at her son or family for not keeping her informed on her ex-H's life then she has major fucking issues. It's not a situation where she will be co-parenting with this woman. 

I don't think anyone owes her anything at this point in time. 

That's true. I just wouldn't want to be involved in the fallout if she isn't told. I also guess it depends on if they were having a big wedding or what not. I mean, if they have a big ceremony and reception I truly cannot imagine purposely not telling. A quick courthouse wedding? I can see "forgetting" to mention it.

I always tried to remain quiet when it came to what was going on in my parents private lives once they divorced so I don't know why I am seeing this differently. I guess the cheating... That's sucks.

[rosiebear]

Right, so you know it'll be ugly on her end. Well, then, I'll tell her for you.

Kidding. If you decide to have your H tell her,and honestly I think it's best that someone does asap, just be quick and matter of fact about it.

It's good that you and your H are not indulging her and are just doing your own thing with regard to your FIL and his wife-to-be. That can't be easy, but imo you're doing the right thing. Good luck. She's not being reasonable or fair to you when she heaps on the hysterics and the guilt, but it sounds like you already know that!

[CurlyQ284]

Jesus. How was your wedding? Drama free? All three of them in the same room, should have been a breeze.

My SIL has the exact same setup and the shenanigans that went down at their wedding - pure insanity.

[jlt19]

Nov 21, 2014 14:41:27 GMT -5 mp said:

Nov 21, 2014 14:39:15 GMT -5 jlt19 said:

She's going to have to eventually know. They're from a small town, everyone knows everyone else's business. Even though she doesn't live there right now, she visits often and is friends with people on FB. It should come from a family member IMO.

And holy hell, the fallout. The first time she found out we took our baby (now 4 year old) over to the FI's house? She cried b/c we had hurt her so badly. It's a fucked up situation, to say the least.

I'll be honest - I would tell her I am distancing myself from her until she deals with this issue in therapy.

Well, if I were your husband, that's what I would do.

We have actually. We've seen her maybe 4 times this year? And it's so superficial and "small talk" b/c if we talk about "real" stuff she'll just get upset that everyone is ganging up on her to either a) get over FIL or b) get a job (a whole other HUGE issue).

I'm sad for DH b/c he's closer to my mom than his. And I'm sad for my kids, but again, at least they have my parents as a "good" set of grandparents.

I was still wondering who should tell her the "big news" even though we rarely speak to her. We will be seeing her soon for a Christmas get together.  

[jlt19]

Nov 21, 2014 14:48:58 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Jesus. How was your wedding? Drama free? All three of them in the same room, should have been a breeze.

My SIL has the exact same setup and the shenanigans that went down at their wedding - pure insanity.

Drama free because up until a couple of years ago no one really acknowledged the girlfriend. She was never "welcome" at any family gathering. In fact, my SIL's didn't even "meet" her until about a year ago. Everyone kowtowed to MIL for FAR too long. I was always the one speaking up and always got labeled the bitch. Now everyone is on the same page at least. But now we're ALL mean in her eyes so she barely talks to anyone.

FWIW the FI has shown her crazy as well, so the family had a right to not want to have anything to do with her. I'm hoping that's all worked out and FIL is truly happy and isn't just doing this b/c he feels he has to.

NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL!

I have NO clue how DH and his sister's turned out so well because they are all pretty awesome.

[CurlyQ284]

Ok with this update I think the only option is to fake your own deaths and change your identity.

[sergey]

I have no idea but this is sooooo going to be my mom in 15 years. Ugh. I guess I'd just tell her, probably over the phone so I could hang up after she goes completely crazy.

[Deleted]

Is there an actual wedding? If there is, someone needs to tell her. I think an email would be fine if nobody wants to deal with it. But you can't exactly go to the wedding and have her find out later your family was there.

If there is no wedding... maybe I would avoid. When she inevitably finds out, your H can just say "I guess I didnt' think to mention it to you, since it doesn't invovle you."

[jlt19]

Nov 21, 2014 15:27:34 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Is there an actual wedding? If there is, someone needs to tell her. I think an email would be fine if nobody wants to deal with it. But you can't exactly go to the wedding and have her find out later your family was there.

If there is no wedding... maybe I would avoid. When she inevitably finds out, your H can just say "I guess I didnt' think to mention it to you, since it doesn't invovle you."

I don't know yet. I know it's not until after the new year. I'm trying to convince FIL they need to get married on a beach (so I can take a vacation). Doubting he's going to go for that though!

[MixedBerryJam]

See, I think even calling it "Big News" is making it more than it needs to be. "Hey, mom, did you hear that Dad and Sally are getting married? I don't have any details yet, but that's what I heard." delivered all breezy and matter of fact, maybe even over the phone. No big sit-down or "Mom, we have something to tell you" etc.

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2014 16:21:11 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

Nov 21, 2014 15:27:34 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Is there an actual wedding? If there is, someone needs to tell her. I think an email would be fine if nobody wants to deal with it. But you can't exactly go to the wedding and have her find out later your family was there.

I don't think that OP's husband should have any obligation to keep his mother informed of events he attends in his father's life. 

Of course he can attend a wedding that, at this point in time, does not involve his Mother in any way without having to tell her about it beforehand. 

If she finds out and get angry at him for going to his Dad's wedding, that's on her and after 15 years, nobody should have to feel like they need to appease her in any way.

Of course he is allowed to do anything he wants. If he actually wants a relationship with his mother, I don't think hiding things he knows she'd be upset about is going to be any better than just telling her. He doesn't need to ask her permission or engage in a lengthy conversation, but I think doing stuff behind her back is only going to strain things more.

I mean I can't imagine going to any wedding without telling my mom. Not because I need her to know or ask her permission, but because we're involved in each others' lives and a wedding is a major event that is unlikely not to come up in conversation unless I was purposely avoiding tellling her. IDK. I just feel like this is something likely to blow up and cause even more hurt feelings if people try to hide it.

[adhdfashion]

Just went through a situation very similar to this. We had Mil's parents come out to tell her and stay for two weeks. Mil is unstable so this was the best solution we could come up with.

[jlt19]

DH talked to his sister's and they talked about all sitting MIL down and telling her. But then they decided that there's no reason to treat her like it's something she SHOULD be upset about at this point and they need to not use kid gloves with her. They also think someone has probably already told her b/c, again, their hometown is tiny and they're convinced someone probably messaged MIL on FB to tell her. Those people love to gossip.

[flamingeaux]

Because of the small town dynamic, I would say the best thing would be for someone in the family to tell her. Otherwise, not only is her ex husband getting remarried, but her own children set her up for embarrassment, by letting her be the last one to know about it. Don't give her an extra reason to play the martyr.
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