WWYD in this situation? Poss flameful. Pls read & advise....

[lolc]

DH and I are hosting Thanksgiving this year. We have invited good friends of ours (let's give the wife the initial of J), and their two children. We have also invited DH's coworkers wife and son (since DH's coworker is stuck working on Thanksgiving) and we have also left an open invite for a few other people. We have a 19 lb. turkey and hoping we have no leftovers so I'm hoping we'll have a good turnout.

Last year, we had our friend (C) and his twins, and baby-mama. For the sake of C and the twins (who are only a few weeks apart from my daughter) we have always been nice to C's baby's-mama. C was irresponsible and got baby-mama knocked up after only dating once or twice. He did not realize how completely and utterly BSC this woman is (if you'd like examples, I'm happy to provide some). They have tried to make it work for the last 4 years, but C has finally had enough and I guess they are broken up. 

I have tried to like her this whole time, but she just rubs me the wrong way every.single.time. Regardless, I'm still nice because my daughter loves the twins, and C has been our friend since college. As they were leaving our house last year I told them that they are welcome to come next year too, since C has no family in the area and baby-mama is estranged from her entire family.

Last year was quiet and turned out ok. But it was just us. Generally S (baby mama) does NOT play well with others. She is quick to be confrontational, and about stupid things (for instance, she thinks it is completely normal to be nasty to strangers who comment on how cute her twins are. She even talks about almost getting in a fist-fight with someone once... all because they said her kids were cute and asked if they were identical or fraternal.... seriously, wth). She has a touch of munchausen by proxy, labeling her daughter autistic before the poor girl was even 5 months old, and referring to her as her "autistic child" at every turn (when the poor girl is NOT autistic, and as a mom with a son on the spectrum, she offends me!) She is just out of her mind!

So anyway, this year we have our neighbor friends, their two kids, and some others coming. S emails me asking if they are still invited, since they have "nowhere else to go." I say "Of course! We'd love to see you all" assuming C is part of "you all." She writes back,  "Well C is likely spending Thanksgiving with his new gf. But me and the girls would love to come. I'd hate for the girls to miss out on a family setting because I'm single and all"  (huh) :? THIS was when I discovered that C and her broke up. Since we don't speak to C regularly (we have the kind of friendship that we can go long periods without talking and then pick right up), we didn't know this. We do know its been rocky, but that's been the case for 4 years. I never would have said yes if I knew they were not together!!

FML. I can already sense tension if she comes here with the girls. She was here with C at my daughter's bday party months ago..... pretty much in her underwear. Well, she was wearing a miniskirt, but it was so short that the darker part of the nylon at the top was showing! I guess "yay" she wore nylons, but really? To a 4 year olds birthday party? She looked like she was ready to go to the club. My friend J remembers that, and had even asked who the heck that was. Because baby-mama actually YELLED at some kids for "cutting" in line for pin-the-nose on Olaf. Really? S is also the type to flirt with guys, without a care in the world if they are with someone or not.  I could see her trying to flirt with J's husband. Yeah, that's the kind of girl we are dealing with. 

I'll feel bad if the girls don't have a Thanksgiving, but I really don't think I want the stress of her being here. Especially without C. HE is our friend, not her! Can I un-invite her? Should I lie? Or can I just tell her we have a dress code that requires covering your cha cha? How can you tell someone that you will have others over, and that they are expected to behave like adults, without being offensive? Ugh. I don't know how to handle this situation or what to say. She wrote to me a few days ago and I have not written back. This is an awkward situation. WWYD? Sorry so long! 

[starryfish]

Sorry that is tough. I would prob just suck it up and deal with her but I would b1itch the whole to my SO about dealing with her bc I don't like conflict/confrontation. But since she's not really your friend anyways, I would be very tempted to not include her...maybe lie?

[VeryViolet]

Have you reached out to C about wtf is going on? This woman sounds off her rocker.

ETA this is definitely flameful but I would probably lie lie lie about canceling thanksgiving for some crazy ass reason. 

[lime]

I actually went to a party like this once. It would have been significantly less awkward if the host had dis-invited this woman.

[lime]

Long term, are you interested in maintaining a friendship with her for her kids sake? Or would you prefer to see the kids through your friend and not ever see her again?


My first inclination is to retract the invitation with a little white lie.

[livinitup]

What if you WANT to do ... Deep down. Really want to do?

[readyin07]

Well...that is a hot mess. Personally I just couldn't disinvited someone for the holiday. I just couldn't. I see her getting off her email and telling her kids that they are going to your house for thanksgiving and then letting them down...even if they are only 4. I would definitely warn my friends who were coming, sounds like they are close enough that you can explaint the situation and they could roll with the punches.

[Deleted]

Uninvite.

[calle28]

I would email her back and uninvite. In the nicest way possible, but uninvite. It sucks that she'll be alone on Thanksgiving, but don't let her make that your problem.

[krystee]

If you are going to cancel, you have to do it basically immediately so she can make other plans. I would say you are keeping it to family only or H's coworkers only this year but you hope to catch up with her some other time soon. And then make sure no one posts pictures on Facebook.

[eb777888]

I would not want her there. I wouldn't want to be this stressed going into it. Sometimes I wish I could take the kids and leave the parents, lol.

[flex]

I see a couple options here:

1) Uninvite her. Tell her you made the invite last year assuming you and C were still together. But I wouldn't go with sue_sue's "uninvitation". C is a family friend and his twins would be family friends too. So if you say "sorry only family is invited", what about the poor kids?

2) Still allow her to come over, BUT if she is rude or defensive or creepy, tell her she needs to follow house rules and if she doesn't, it's "hasta la bye-bye, baby!"

[Monica Geller]

Un-invite immediately unless you want to continue to be friends with this woman.

[Deleted]

Ugh. I'm usually the first one to advise cutting out the crazy people, but I feel terrible for those poor babies. They deserve a nice Thanksgiving too and have no where else to go. Sorry that's a tough one but I wouldn't punish the kids because of their BSC mom.

[speckledfrog]

Oh no, your whole family has Ebola. Now she can't come over. Big bummer.

[CakeLover]

Have you told her a time already? If not, make it later than everyone else.

[sofamonkey]

A simple, "Oh no! DH had already invited xyz people, but he didn't tell me! I am so sorry, but I am going to have to retract my invitation, because we simply don't have the room. I am so sorry for the error, and I wish things could be different. Unfortunately, that's how the butterball rolls sometimes. Happy Holidays!"

[mlt]

I would not be able to uninvite someone with two little kids who have nowhere else to go. I don't care how terrible she is. It's just not kind. I would suck it up and be nice to her and explain to J later that you didn't realize she would be without C.

[karmasabiotch]

Can you suggest getting together for lunch a different day? She will get the idea but you won't sound like you're completely blowing her off.

[wysiwyg]

"Oh, you know what? I double checked with H and it looks like we double-booked. Unfortunately, we already had plans for another couple of people to come over, so while we'd love to have you, we just don't have the room. Sorry!"

[10nille]

If she comes do not let her leave with an open invitation to next year's Thanksgiving. Shut it down. Explain you are friends with C and you do not want to make things awkward with your friendship.

[cherryvalance]

It's your house. Can't you just shut her poor behavior down? I wouldn't cut her out at the last minute, but I also wouldn't hesitate to tell her to knock it off if she did something inapproptiate.

[psychmom]

What would she do if you called her out on her behavior? If she acts up you can ask her to leave and then it's on her why her kids have a crappy holiday.

[Alex]

I would use something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't know that you were no longer with C. Since H has been friends with him for so long, I don't want to put him in an awkward position where it looks like he is 'choosing a side'. I'm sure you understand."

[blackcat]

I'd come up with a fake illness maybe on Monday ("So sorry, the kids have come down with a stomach bug, it's going around the house, we won't be able to host Thanksgiving after all."). That way you aren't uninviting and you still get to have your Thanksgiving without her presence stressing you out.

[sofamonkey]

Nov 21, 2014 23:09:08 GMT -5 cjoy said:

Uninviting her, especially when you know she has nowhere else to go, seems so incredibly dickish.

Oh, it is unbelievably dickish.  I, personally, would just have them over & deal.  Just keeping my focus on my nice guests & the kids.  Maybe bust out the, "Oh, Patricia.  Stop being so unbearable & just fucking relax for a day!" 

[Deleted]

Nov 21, 2014 21:16:00 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Uninvite.

"I did not realize you and c were no longer together. I'm so sorry but this is a family gathering; I hope you will enjoy your holiday with your own family/friends"

This woman is a pig. Cut her right now or she'll be giving you her childrens xmas list to fill.

Sue Sue is wise.  Like we didn't know that.  

[lolc]

LOL I agree, I'm don't like the term baby-mama but whenever I think of this girl, I think of "drama." And baby-mama-drama goes together so that's why I used that term in this case.  (angel) 

I am not the least bit interested in having any sort of friendship with her. Like I said, she really is one of the most BSC people I have ever met. I am nice to her for the sake of the girls, but everything about her is like nails-on-a-chalkboard for me.  

It's awkward no matter which way I slice it. This is our first Thanksgiving with our friends, and we enjoy each others company. Her kids get along great with my kids - her older son gets along with my two boys, and her younger daughter and mine play great. Our hubby's get along. I REALLY want it to go well because I could easily see us sharing more than one Thanksgiving together. But not if S is here, scantily clad, reprimanding J's daughter about SOMETHING because she's being a normal kid, then anxiously telling J that she will not stand for her "autistic child" to be bothered by something J's kid is doing... yeah. I could just see the sh!tstorm this woman will bring. I'd like to say I'm just over-thinking things...... but in her case, I'm not. And she also gives off the perpetually pissed off vibe wherever she goes. I remember asking her several times last Thanksgiving, and even at my daughter's birthday, if everything was ok (she claimed everything was, but who knows with her). 

I feel bad that she is the way she is. She's got some serious problems. But I don't want her problems to ruin Thanksgiving for others. I can handle her. My friend J? Pretty confident she'd not feel comfortable and she wouldn't hesitate to speak up if S oversteps.

J might be able to roll with the punches the day of but if she feels uncomfortable and tense on T-day, I'm sure that feeling would stick and this would be the first and last Tday we'd spend together. DH would also feel awkward because as I said, C is our friend. Not S. I really do feel the worst for the girls all around. I love those sweeties and it saddens me that they have to deal with this toxic person as their mother. I grew up with a BSC toxic mother so I know how difficult life is and will be for them. But anyway... before we cue the violins...

FWIW, a friend of hers wrote on her FB wall that she is welcome to go to their place for Thanksgiving! Can I use that to my advantage? Is there a way? Her friend offered that a few days ago and she did not respond. Her friend lives closer to her anyway, whereas coming to me would require almost an hour of travel time each way.

Hmmm.

Everything in my gut is saying "No" about her coming. Unless I can tactfully tell her that I expect she will be dressed appropriately with no body parts sticking out, not to flirt with anyone's husband, and that she will need to relax because I don't want her blowing up on any of my other guests. Any way I can do that tactfully? lol

I think Im going to reach out to C and find out WTH is going on, and maybe even let him know the situation we're in. But I don't know that I can flat out uninvite her.  

Ooh! What if I invite C and his girlfriend? No nevermind. She'd probably still come anyway. *-) 

[Deleted]

I don't think you have to honor the invitation. She tricked you and didn't mention she wasn't still together with your friend. I'd start by calling Friend, feeling him out, and MAYBE tell her there was confusion, you knew your husband had been talking to Friend and he was thinking of coming and you assumed she was coming with him. Since they aren't together anymore, and you have a longstanding friendship with him . . .

[vanillacourage]

If your kids get along with yours like gangbusters I would worry that she's already told them to look forward to the holiday with your little ones. Just warn your other guests that she's nuts and press on. It's one day.