Our situation is a little different, because I'm active duty military and my husband is the trailing spouse. We do our best to find good career opportunities for my husband, but it doesn't always work out well. Our next assignment is going to work out well for BOTH of us, so that's awesome. And when I retire in 9 years, it'll be all about H's career :-)
Yes our careers have ebbed at different times. When I was working basically constantly for two years (thought I might go for partner at my firm) MH actually stayed home. Now I have decided I want to get out of big law entirely after coming to the realization that I am not a saleswoman and therefore not partnership material. Being a service partner and therefore powerless does not interest me. So I'm working less and thinking about next steps while MH is working a lot to try to prove he's ready to move up the ranks at his firm. He's in finance and works regular but inflexible hours. As he advances he will have to travel more. So that's a consideration for us as well.
I did not know this about you! My parents had a pretty easy time serving together (they only did two locations on active duty, then were tentatively set to go to the Pentagon and then decided just to do Reserves), but it sounds like it is harder these days.
We're lucky -- my husband is a teacher, and he can do that anywhere :-) Of course, we have to not move somewhere two weeks into the school year, and stay a year before moving again! He's a good sport about it, but I know it's really hard for him. I'm glad that next assignment will work out for both of us!
B was born at the end of May. DH started a new job (new field pretty much) in August. I went back to work in October and started a new job that same month.
Luckily although we both moved upwards career wise the time demands aren't as intense. DH was at 50% travel or more and now does a lot less. I used to be subject to 1 or 2 late nights between January and June and now late nights are almost a rarity for me. Most importantly for us, DH isn't up all night working *most* nights anymore.
DH is already at the Director level and I would need at least a few more years to have any supervisory role so hopefully this is it for a while.
Our situation is a little different, because I'm active duty military and my husband is the trailing spouse. We do our best to find good career opportunities for my husband, but it doesn't always work out well. Our next assignment is going to work out well for BOTH of us, so that's awesome. And when I retire in 9 years, it'll be all about H's career :-)
This is us, but dh is active duty. He has pretty much been flowing for the last few years and will only increase going forward. When he gets out it is my turn!
No, but DH isn't in a forward moving job at the moment, so it's all about my career.
He did just take a temporary move in his company that will have him back doing training, which is something he enjoys doing. He also may have some OT required.
It's weird, I have a pretty high stress, high power position in my command, but work steady hours with minimal OT. DH's job is pretty stagnant, but he can have times of the team working a lot of OT for a specific project.
I feel sort of cheated (haha not really) because the past year I pretty much felt like man we have this dual income family thing down and now I am like OMG wtf. My mom was pretty much doing all the parenting for my husband this past week (because he was working, not because he is an asshole). Boo.
I envy the family support. It's been the hardest part about relocating to Texas.
Our situation is a little different since we're both in school full time (and have been since before kids). DH also works full-time and I work PRN but usually close to FT each week. DH finished one program a few months after DS1 was born. I finished when DS1 turned 1. DH was writing a paper and submitted it while I was laboring with DS2 in the hospital. Summer semester started 4 days later. Now he will be graduating in a couple weeks and, for the first time since we've been together, he will not be in school. He will get to focus on his career for a bit before grad school. I'll finish up next year and hopefully start grad school right away.
In that sense, we've never had an ebb/flow to our careers, because they're really just starting. I'm sure it will happen. It's bound to. We've had a lot of stability and will continue to do so until after grad school. Then the fun will begin!
Family support is huge. I would push harder career-wise and consider seriously job hunting if I knew we had someone here to help when C gets sick or whatever. But I know my job is flexible so I stay even though there's basically no hope of going anywhere. At least I like it?
DH got promotion and tenure exactly 1 week after C was born. Soon after I cut back to 20 hours/week. It's been good for us and I love being home with C. Still, I'm hoping something full time opens in my department in 2015. If nothing does by the time C is 3, I'll job hunt.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Nov 22, 2014 21:46:36 GMT -5
Yes, but we've also kind of taken turns.
I was in grad school when we got married, so he had a regular job while I finished. We moved for my internship and H got into grad school. Then I did post doc and started my career in that city. He finished grad school and got s post doc out here in San Diego. I took a rando job out here and then about 10 months after we moved found my perfect gig. Now we are in the spot of him needing a job. So we are balancing again. My job is really good so for us to move, it'll take a lot.
Family support is huge. I would push harder career-wise and consider seriously job hunting if I knew we had someone here to help when C gets sick or whatever. But I know my job is flexible so I stay even though there's basically no hope of going anywhere. At least I like it?
This. One if us has to be able to be there at a moments notice and that person is me. I left a job in a field that I could have moved up and advanced in when dd turned 1 bc it was too demanding and the work life balance was horrible. Now I have a job, not a career that is flexible but no upward mobility. I crave to go back to the old field sometimes bc it was exciting but then I remember the schedule. The good thing of working on a college campus is free classes so I'm in grad school and hopefully I will at least get a flexible job that I love someday, not just tolerate like I do now.
DH and I both started new jobs the same week in 2006. It was crazy, but we were still just dating at that point. We hardly saw each other the first few months.
Then in 2013 DH took a new job in March and I resigned from my teaching job shortly after. I didn't have a new job until last Dec, so it worked well that I was SAH with DD while DH worked extra hours up get his feet week. Now I am in a manager role and still trying to keep my head above water and he has a new job prospect which would be a huge promotion and a temporary increase in commute (an hour each way vs 20 mins for most of the first year until the company relocates closer). Of course this will all potentially unfold while we have a newborn.
All told, I don't think I want all this responsibility right now but I told myself I would get the experience in for at least a year. I really miss the flexibility I had when I was part time.
Post by andthentherewere10 on Nov 22, 2014 21:55:14 GMT -5
Hm. My husband is pretty maxed out in his career but luckily his job is not dependent upon where he lives or proving himself since he works for himself promoting his own books/consulting. I can pretty much take any career opportunity I want without causing damage to his job. What is more confining to us, I would guess, is our horse farm and those obligations. It would take a lot to make us leave here and there are not tons of opportunities for me in our very small town.
Our DD is only 6 weeks old, so we haven't had any of the trials or trying to hold together a household and 2 careers yet.
DH and I graduated the same year from the same college and work in the same industry for the same corporation. Promotions are typically done once a year for the entire company so we are trying to prove ourselves at the same time. Our careers are basically identical to each, right down to DH making only $0.36 more than me annually.
I'm also in the reserves, which is a separate time suck on me.
It could get pretty crazy now that DD has been thrown in the mix. I'm hoping we can help balance it by DH going in to work early and me dropping DD off at daycare, and me staying late at work and DH picking up DD. We have no family close, so hopefully we can make it work. I envy those with family.
Yes, more or less. In 2009 we both left full time jobs in Boston for DH to go to school in the south. I was pretty successful career wise down there but DH hated the program he was in. We moved back to boston so he could go back to his company.
Since then, my career has taken a back seat as DH has gotten much busier. I'm stop working, but I'm currently doing 30(ish) hours/week. This is mostly due to issues we have had with childcare, and the fact that it's not likely that my salary (non profit) will come anywhere near DH's (engineer) anytime soon.
I'm hoping that in a few more years, when our kids are older and DH is more established (and you know, making more money) that I can step it up career wise. For now though, I'm ok with taking a back seat.
Post by leonard131 on Nov 22, 2014 22:25:03 GMT -5
It is hard. I could have written your comment about a couple weeks ago feeling all smug on how we had the dual career thing down pat even with both of us having very demanding jobs and this week I feel beat down.
I had crazy travel two weeks ago only to come back a very time consuming issue which has meant working straight in some capacity for two weeks. H has also been hit hard and has had to work late 3 nights out of 5 last week, today and tomorrow. This weekend I have to be on several calls including one with M screaming in the background because I wasn't playing Wheels on the Bus because I had to use my phone as an actual phone. Silly me.
I am trying to keep in mind that it does ebb and flow, I love my job, I have worked very hard to get where I am and this is the choice I made. Even with the demands I know I am happier with things the way they are then if were less crazy but that is also the type of people H and I are. Maybe if you look at it as temporary and a choice you are making it may help. Does that make sense?
Post by fortmyersbride on Nov 22, 2014 23:17:33 GMT -5
We flip-flopped for a few years early on. DH graduated residency first and worked while I finished up. Then he went back to fellowship and I went into private practice. Our last move was for his benefit, and my career definitely took a step back.
DH recently got a small promotion (directorship), but at the same time my coworkers have been pushing for me to go FT partner track. We're thinking more about live-in childcare to help simplify life and maybe enable me to go FT in the next few years. Life would be way simpler if I could convince myself (and coworkers) that I should stay PT forever, I waiver on it a lot.
My career has been stagnant for years so my H's takes priority right now. His was stagnant until he met me and I lit a fire under his ass to ask for more. He left a thankless and underpaying government job for the Dark Side (contracting) and he's so much happier. The work environment isn't toxic and his hours are so flexible. He ended up being offered a promotion when I was nearing my due date and negotiated it just after we checked into the hospital. Now he's fielding offers to move companies.
Since he has an in-demand career I will likely always take a backseat. I still haven't figured out what I want to do when I grow up. I am talented in my narrow little field but have been told so often that it's not a career path that I've basically shut down. I need to leave my company for greener pastures but I'm holding myself back. I don't like change. And I certainly don't want to do it at a time when I need some flexibility and a longstanding relationship to make that work. There never seems to be a good time to leave. I do need to do it before the summer though, when the contract I'm working ends. The company I work for has been around for 100 years but it is failing. Hopefully the push is what I need to do better for myself.
So, all that to say that my H and I could end up switching companies around the same time. We will work hard to stagger it though. What complicates things is that we plan to move states in a few years - partly to increase H's job prospects even more, partly to finally sever our ties to an industry neither one of us are fond of, and partly to get closer to family. That's when it'll be pouring in the Bowies household.
We're both pretty chill. DH is a teacher already in his ideal job. I work government and switched from feds to municipal when I was on mat leave with DD. We both work, but neither aspires to management any time soon. DH has to work some evenings and I very occasionally travel. But like... once or twice a year for a night or two. DH has something in the evening a few times a month (for work, many more times for hobbies and volunteering). I never work OT or evenings. I wouldn't even if I was management.
We have both just started new jobs within a month of each other. His is a temp job we are hoping will turn permanent and mine is at a company with a lot of advancement opportunity. The past month has been challenging. J started daycare and we don't have much flexibility so it's been stressful worrying about him getting sick. He seems to have a perma-cold going on. I'm not really sure who's job we should focus on first. His really depends on business. Mine I have to wait 6 months to do anything but I really have more opportunities. But we're also ready to add a second kid. Ahh!
It's tough to balance two demanding careers. DH's is a little less demanding than mine and more seasonally predictable, but we both have insanely busy times or days when we absolutely have to be there. When our kid is sick, it's basically a question of who has the less important day. We have no family nearby to help. We agreed there is no way we can both start a new job at the same time, and that is one of the reasons I trailed him by several months in our last move. Single parenting at a job I was settled in was easier than it would have been for us both to start at the same time.
One of the reasons we've survived so far is that DH doesn't work the same days or hours as me, so we can split sick days, or potentially have 4 days off a week between us, leaving only 3 days that a sick kid could cause us to stay home. Of course, the disadvantage is that we don't have much couple time or family time, which takes a toll on our marriage.
My coworker recently quit for the same reason. It was just too hard to balance and her DH makes more money than she did.
Post by yellowbrkrd on Nov 23, 2014 9:11:27 GMT -5
Both of our careers kind of took off after I got pregnant. And just this summer DH started his own business while I got a pretty big promotion. We are lucky because my mom is always willing to help. It can be a little crazy, but if we continue to do as well as we are, a lot of outsourcing will be in our future. And I definitely plan to hire a nanny when child #2 comes along.
I started my own business and dh was in the middle of an accelerated masters program and working full time and coaching when ds1 was a year old. That was busy busy times. I'm thankful he finished his master's a couple months before ds2 was born.
I'll let you know in two months if DH gets that new job he applied for.
I don't think either of us has stepped back in our careers to accommodate the other, but our jobs complement each other well. DH's day-to-day schedule is more inflexible because he sees patients. I'm the only one who really travels though. We both have short commutes and I live in a different city from my boss, which gives me more de facto flexibility.
Even though we live far from family, I can only think of one time where I was OOT and DH needed help with DD. But his employer contracts with Parents in a Pinch so we were able to have someone sent over to watch her.
As much as I'm antsy to move to another state, there are some perks here that make life pretty easy for us.
H and I have both promoted several times in the last 5 years. But I work for the government so my promotions really just meant an increase in pay with no real change in my job duties (I was already doing the work of the higher paid position from the day I started). I have made a conscious decision to not pursue any further promotions or job changes unless the exact job I want is posted (unlikely for quite a while given the budget). I am currently at the highest pay grade for this position. There is one higher grade I could achieve but it would mean a complete job change. H will likely be promoted or changing positions internally soon.
For us, it is just too hard to have both of us aggressively pursuing higher career aspects with three kids this young. I make 6 figures and my job is incredibly flexible in terms of making my own hours, working from home etc. I cannot give that up and continue to maintain our quality of life!