How did your friendships change after you had kids?

[noodleoo]

H and I are expecting our first child in May.  We're on the older side and most of our friends already have kids, if not several kids.  Mostly in the age range of 2 to 8.  They also tend to live rather far from us, like 45 min drives one way.  Since we're childless, we normally drive out to see our friends since it is easier for us.  But once we have the baby, it won't be quite so easy anymore.  Our friends rarely come up to us and if they do, they have to bring all the kids which can be tough.  It is also hard to keep them entertained at our house.  I guess I'm afraid this means we'll never see our friends anymore.  I have other single friends that I usually get together with after work, but With daycare pickups (that will most likely be on me) I see that being tough to continue too.  I'm freaking out that we're going to lose all our friends.  Any advice? Did your friends make the effort? Or did you just end up making new friends with kids the same age as yours?

[Deleted]

To be honest I don't see my friends as much, and usually only ones with babies of a similar age. It can be done but it's going to take a lot of effort. It all depends on what you want in life. I've found that I am getting closer to newer friends I met in prenatal classes because we are experiencing the same things. Hang in there! It will work out in the end. This was something I worried about before kids but after it is like 965,789,644 on my list of concerns.

[gibbinator]

We don't see our friends at much either, although I've made new friends through mom's groups with kids the same age as ds1 that I see a couple times a month.
We do still see our child free friends but they come here rather than us going out.
We do make an effort to go to events we're invited to, and to get baby sitters depending on the type of gathering. We definitely don't do much on short notice these days though.

[cricketwife]

To be honest, it's very hard and it's something I'm sad about. I feel like I'm in that in between stage of having lost my old friends (they aren't "lost" but we can't really get together) and finding the new ones. But it's still 100000% worth it. Being our own family is wonderful. Most of my friends already have kids. The only one that's still semi-easy to get together with is the one who's still single. We can meet for dinner and I can leave DS with DH, or she can come hang out over here. I now understand why I had so many "family" friends as a single. But now get-togethers are hard on both sides.

[bowies]

I don't go out as much anymore, but I do see my friends (most are childless and live 30 minutes away). I will go out to eat with them after DS is in bed. Now that I'm back at work I tend not to make weekend plans unless we can all go (like a parade during the day).

My closest friend lives 3 hours away and just had a baby. I drove up there with H and DS to see them. We texted each other during our MOTN feedings and joked about how instead of hanging out with a glass of wine we now hang out with our tits out.

If it's important to you and your friends then you'll make it work. I don't do everything anymore but I also haven't fallen off the face of the earth.

[noodleoo]

Nov 23, 2014 11:40:06 GMT -5 cricketwife said:

To be honest, it's very hard and it's something I'm sad about. I feel like I'm in that in between stage of having lost my old friends (they aren't "lost" but we can't really get together) and finding the new ones. But it's still 100000% worth it. Being our own family is wonderful. Most of my friends already have kids. The only one that's still semi-easy to get together with is the one who's still single. We can meet for dinner and I can leave DS with DH, or she can come hang out over here. I now understand why I had so many "family" friends as a single. But now get-togethers are hard on both sides.

This is what I'm afraid of.  I know it will be tough with our old friends who have kids.  We'll see them much less often, and even now it is like once every 2 months. My 2 closest girlfriends who don't have kids also don't have cars, so getting them to come visit me in the suburbs is going to be tough. Our hospital is pretty far, so I'm not sure we'll really make any friends through the classes that live near us.  I can't figure out how we'll make new friends and I'm really worried we're going to feel isolated once baby gets here. None of our family is close by either. I'm really worried about feeling alone and having a lack of support. 

[thebreakfastclub]

It's still decently easy to bring DS to friends' houses at 21 months. As a tiny baby, he just slept and hung out. We went to a birthday party last weekend, and he stayed out until 8pm. We changed him into PJs, he fell asleep on the ride home, and it worked out great.

Not every baby is a good car sleeper, but mine was, so we could still do a lot of the same things. I would rather take one kid to a house with a bunch of older ones. My son was enthralled with what the older kids were up to.

I did feel kind of lonely after the baby came. I was happiest once I went back to work, honestly.

[ilikedonuts]

We don't even really see our friends with kids. 2 of DH's best friends from high school have little that are the same age as our youngest (a month apart and 6 days apart) and we still rarely see them other than birthday parties.

My best friend is single so we see her a lot more (she has come on vacation with us as well with the kids).

[nonsenseabound]

You have to make an effort. My core group of friends I've had since I was a kid sees each other probably 4-5 times per year. Often without significant others but usually have a dinner at someone's house at least one time per year. Other friends dh and I divide and conquer. And as kids get older it is easier to leave em with a babysitter. Plus your group of friends grows to include your kids friends parents. It isn't as easy but you can do it

[SallySparrow]

Most of my friends are the same ones I had in high school. We are all in varying stages of life, some with kids, some without. It is hard, we only see each other a few times a year. But it is what it is. The kids won't always be this little. It sucks sometimes though.

We email and text a lot.

[ECB]

So, our college friends (who are all spread out)- having kids definitely have changed freindships. Not ended them, but we don't see them nearly as often. ANd like you, we were older when we had our son so we were used to going to them all the time. We still make an effort, though, and in time you may find a way to make it work.

Single friends/ "non kid" friends - a few of them are flexible and have no issue coming to us, which I appreciate.

Then newer friends - having DS and moving to our neighborhood - we now have a lot of friends from the neighborhood and through school. These are probably the people we see the most often.

But - here's the thing - in the end, a lot of it is really about what you're willing to do. I have friends who have kids but our friendships are so entirely based outside of the "kid" world, that we only get together w/o kids. But whether these are couple friends or my girlfriends- DH/I make it a point to hire a sitter or make plans w/ friends when the other one of us can stay home.

Even my newer "mommy" friends - we have a girls night every other month.

When you first have your baby - your life will revolve aroound your child a lot. BUT you can find a way to balance it. it will nevre be the same as it was pre-kid, but you CAN find you/friend time if you want to. The only friendships that truly ENDED after having kids are people who's parenting styles were drastically different than ours or who were really just assholes and having kids made it easy to let them go.

[jena]

Things change. But I don't think it will be s bad as you think.

Also, but some toys for your friends' older kids to play with when they visit. Your kid will be able to play with them someday and trust me that one more storage box of toys won't seen like a big deal soon.