Post by sunshineluv on Nov 26, 2014 10:15:44 GMT -5
((((HUGS))))
I am so sorry for your loss. Please allow yourself to take time to grieve. I detest when people are down, and someone tries to help by sharing stories of someone who has it worse. Yes, someone has it worse, in the world there is always someone who has it worse, but that does not negate the fact you just had a huge loss.
Post by ashleydl83 on Nov 26, 2014 10:18:33 GMT -5
I know you know this, but it's completely ok to feel however you want to feel. Your loss is just as valid as anyone else's (not to minimize hers at all) but you grieve however you like, for however long you need to. I'm so very sorry you are struggling and hurting. Please let us know if you need anything.
My in-laws do that weird, inappropriate competitive thing too and its awful. Is there anyway your H can go alone with the kids tonight? It's ok for you to feel awful and grieve. Everything you're feeling now is ok.
I'm so sorry Sally. All your feelings are valid. Your loss is no less of a loss than sil's and no one gains from those horrible comments. I agree with Andy and would sit this one out if possible and take some time for yourself. So many many hugs, I wish there was a way to help.
Post by melmon0417 on Nov 26, 2014 10:27:27 GMT -5
Oh sweetie, huge, giant hugs for you. Pain and sadness is not a competition. Your MIL cannot compare what you are going through, to what SIL went through. They are both horrible and heartbreaking. You have the right to ANY feelings you are having right now. It doesn't mean you aren't grateful and happy with your girls. It means you are mourning. As a mom who miscarried, you get to mourn your loss.
If you are not in the mood to go to their house for dessert tomorrow, then don't go. This time is for you to get through and feel better. Don't let the pressure of the holiday make you feel worse.
I'm so sorry. They have no right to minimize your feelings like that. If anything, your SIL should be able to be there more for you than others, because she understands what it's like. Don't force yourself to be happy to please them; let yourself be sad, if that's how you're feeling. If anyone who isn't privy to the details asks, you can just let them know, "There's been a lot going on lately and I'm not feeling my best."
I really hope your H sees how insensitive his family is being.
Hugs. I had a stillborn at 22 weeks almost 4 yrs ago. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter how far along you were. One is not worse than the other. When you go through it - miscarriage or stillborn - it is the worst thing in the world. My sister wrote me a letter after I lost Austin and part of it said 'We become mothers long before we meet our babies. As soon as we know of them, we hope and dream and have wishes for them'. It's something that stuck with me. You become a mother as soon as you know of that child, not when you birth them full term. You were that babies mother, and it doesn't matter if you weren't far along - you still lost a CHILD. Your other children do not replace THAT child.
I went through a very dark time in my life through our loss, and eventually I've come to peace with it. Knowing that he is up there watching over me and that I will meet him again is one of the reasons that I was able to come out of the dark. I don't know how I would handle your inlaws, but I defiantly wouldn't let them make you feel that your feelings are invalid. They are not. And your SIL should have the grace to know after being through something like that how difficult it is to even hear about babies. What she did was completely insensitive. And also - men just don't get the bond sometimes that you have with your children. My H hurt too when we lost our son, but I don't think he hurt to the level that I did and still do if that makes sense. If you need to talk, please let me know.
Post by laurensmomma on Nov 26, 2014 10:45:55 GMT -5
I'm so sorry your MIL and SIL aren't showing you all the support and love you deserve right now. You have every right to feel sad.
I would try having a talk with your dh. This situation is so, so different than other situations you have probably had with the ILs in ththe past. He really needs to stand up for you to his mother, and yell her to quit he shit about what SIL went through. You have just as much right to grieve as she did.
Please feel free to vent here as needed. We are here for you. Hugs, momma.
I want I wrap you in a comfy blanket and just take care of you. Any loss is big. It isn't a competition and what your MIL said was really inappropriate, not helpful and hurtful.
Take time to grieve how you need to. Know this is a supportive place for you, if you need us. You have been through one of the very worst things someone can go through and your feelings are no less valid than anyone else's.
If you don't want to go there tomorrow don't go. This time is about your feelings and healing. If your inlaws can't get that then they don't need to be around you right now.
Hugs. I had a stillborn at 22 weeks almost 4 yrs ago. A loss is a loss. It doesn't matter how far along you were. One is not worse than the other. When you go through it - miscarriage or stillborn - it is the worst thing in the world. My sister wrote me a letter after I lost Austin and part of it said 'We become mothers long before we meet our babies. As soon as we know of them, we hope and dream and have wishes for them'. It's something that stuck with me. You become a mother as soon as you know of that child, not when you birth them full term. You were that babies mother, and it doesn't matter if you weren't far along - you still lost a CHILD. Your other children do not replace THAT child.
I went through a very dark time in my life through our loss, and eventually I've come to peace with it. Knowing that he is up there watching over me and that I will meet him again is one of the reasons that I was able to come out of the dark. I don't know how I would handle your inlaws, but I defiantly wouldn't let them make you feel that your feelings are invalid. They are not. And your SIL should have the grace to know after being through something like that how difficult it is to even hear about babies. What she did was completely insensitive. And also - men just don't get the bond sometimes that you have with your children. My H hurt too when we lost our son, but I don't think he hurt to the level that I did and still do if that makes sense. If you need to talk, please let me know.
I'm so sorry. I agree with everyone else. Just because one person had something happen that may be worse in other's eyes, doesn't take away from what you are going through or that you aren't in pain too.
I'm so sorry your MIL and SIL aren't showing you all the support and love you deserve right now. You have every right to feel sad.
I would try having a talk with your dh. This situation is so, so different than other situations you have probably had with the ILs in ththe past. He really needs to stand up for you to his mother, and yell her to quit he shit about what SIL went through. You have just as much right to grieve as she did.
Please feel free to vent here as needed. We are here for you. Hugs, momma.
This is what I was thinking as well... The comments she is making to you are making me very angry. I am so sorry you have to deal with that right now. Big hugs, and absolutley do not go over to the house if you do not feel up to it. ((hugs))
Big hugs. I think the way you feel is totally normal and you should not have to put in a happy face. I would be devastated in your situation too and it is really wrong and unfair if your IL to keep reminding you how much worse SIL had it. It doesn't negate what you're going through.