Help me be a better mom

[onomatopoeia]

I lost my cool this morning and threw a tantrum in front of my kids.  Swearing was involved. They were running around outside and DS1 (8) stepped in dog poop 3 minutes before the bus came.  No big deal, but no time to really clean the shoes well so I just told him to put on his other pair (we keep a cheap pair of runners as backup).

Nope.  Forget it.  Not comfortable shoes, mom (they fit fine, he actually picked them out.  They're just not his fancy runners that he likes, and that are covered in dog shit).   Absolute refusal.  Situation escalates and soon I am yelling about how I don't have time to clean the goddamn dog shit off his shoes and do what you're told and god help me I will throw you on that bus with no shoes on and you'll have to explain that yourself to the principal.

He eventually got the shoes on and got on the bus, with a lot of inappropriate muttering.  I'm at work now, stewing about this.  Part of me wants to implement all sorts of consequences this afternoon (we all have a half day) but I admit I was also over the top and did not handle the situation well. 

Advice?  Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. I should add (not as an excuse, but as background) that DS is typically a handful both at home and at school.  He's a good-hearted kid but can act well outside his own best interests a good majority of the time.  Calmness and rational response are obviously the way to go (and things have been really improving), but I just hit my limit this morning.  He was 100% ready to get on the bus with poop all over his shoes, rather than wear different ones.

[malibu]

We all have our days. DD tries my patience like no kid I've ever dealt with before. It happens. Blow it off and chalk it up to a rough morning. I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[sugarbear]

I'm no expert, and god knows I've asked a lot of this board (and others). But I think it's ok for your kid to see you upset every once in awhile. You said this isn't your normal response, right? I mean, kids need to understand that parents are human and sometimes kids' crap behavior is unacceptable.

but, in case I'm wrong, I'll also say this: Shake it off. We all make mistakes and your kid will be grateful that you didn't send him to school covered in shit.

[madringal]

I think we all have mom moments we are not proud of. Don't beat yourself up. I think when he gets home, you talk to him and warn him that next time there will be a consequence - and be specific about what it will be. And I would make him apologize for his behavior, and maybe apologize yourself.

[cville]

I think it's okay for kids to see you blow your stack sometimes, because parents are human. IF it doesn't happen frequently. IF you don't abuse them verbally or physically in the process.*  And IF you follow up.

Tonight you should sit down with him and outline why you were upset, apologize for the cursing but reinforce that his behavior is wrong regardless. And then outline a plan for how to handle this going forward. Consequences? X number of bad days means Y can't happen?


*ETA:  I don't think you did that.  Just to be clear.

[flex]

Dog shit on the shoes always pushes me over the edge. I think it's okay to flip your shit every once in awhile to get your children's attention--as long as you don't use it on the regular.

Have a talk with your son tonight and like the PP said, apologies should be made all around.

[eddy]

I actually think it is good for your kid to see you upset. I mean not on the regular, but you were in a frustrating situation and it is okay for him to see it was fucking frustrating.

I don't know that I would do consequences. Mostly because if I was in the situation I knew I wasn't at my best, it was a stressful situation and it is best to just move on. You could maybe talk to him about why his response did not help, but if it were me I would want to just forget about the morning and hope for a better afternoon. No need to drudge up that misery all over again.

[phdprocrastinator]

Nov 26, 2014 10:19:40 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

He was 100% ready to get on the bus with poop all over his shoes, rather than wear different ones.

In this situation, I probably would just let him go to school with stinky shoes. Then he would have the consequences of his choices. Possibly, if he didn't fight it, I'd put the back up shots in his bag and/or give him some paper towels to clean his shoes himself.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this because I'm an outsider. We all lose our cool at some point and if he was pushing your buttons already I can see how you might snap in this situation.

This afternoon I would apologize for my tantrum. I wouldn't institute new rules - that seems extreme - nor would I grovel. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry I lost it this morning. I am going to do my best to stay calm in the future. I love you.". Short and sweet. Then get excited for the long weekend.

[thebuddhagouda]

Once he refused to change, I probably would have just let him get on the bus with stinky dog shit shoes and deal with the consequences of people commenting on that.

As for the losing your cool, you are human. It happens. As long as it's not your go to response to every situation, it won't do him any harm. Just be sure to follow up when you are more level headed, so he knows that mom losing her cool doesn't mean he gets no consequences for his actions.

[nahoku]

Nov 26, 2014 10:32:04 GMT -5 cjoy said:

No advice, just hugs. I have been there, more frequently than I care to admit.

Ditto this.  DD and I were in the same spot last night.  I usually apologize for losing my cool and let them know that we all need to do better - them with listening, me with being patient.  Easier said than done though sometimes  Hugs!

[revolution]

I think as long as it isn't a normal occurrence, it's not bad for kids to see you lose your shit. I also think it's good for them to see how you handle it afterwards. It shows them moms are people, we lose our shit. It's how we handle ourselves that they will also see and learn from.

I've sat DD down and told her I wasn't proud of how I acted, but I was mad and she needed to do c, y and z. And asked her to tell me how we could both handle the situation in the future. She usually comes back with she will listen and do what's he needs to. And then she cries and tells me she is sorry and I cry and we hug.

[marshmallowmars]

I agree that it's okay to lose your cool once in a while. My mom had infinite patience with me and I was kind of a brat. I remember the first (and probably only) time she ever lost it with me and "yelled". It was so shocking only because it was so rare. I guess I was old enough to realize that I deserved it and was being a brat and honestly after that one time I tried a lot harder not to be such a jerk. It was strange seeing my mom as a normal human being. So don't beat yourself up. You can apologize for the way you handled it, but your kid will get over it.

[lavender444]

Nov 26, 2014 10:25:53 GMT -5 cville said:

I think it's okay for kids to see you blow your stack sometimes, because parents are human. IF it doesn't happen frequently. IF you don't abuse them verbally or physically in the process.*  And IF you follow up.

Tonight you should sit down with him and outline why you were upset, apologize for the cursing but reinforce that his behavior is wrong regardless. And then outline a plan for how to handle this going forward. Consequences? X number of bad days means Y can't happen?


*ETA:  I don't think you did that.  Just to be clear.

I agree. As long as it doesn't happen frequently, I think it's good for kids to see even adults can lose their temper and no one is perfect. 

I would also also sit down and discuss it this evening so you both can help the other understand why that escalated and what can be done in the future. 

[Saint Monica]

I say cut yourself some slack

[shell24]

Nov 26, 2014 10:33:27 GMT -5 TR said:

OMG if i were his teacher I'd be so pissed if someone sent their kid to school with dog shit on their shoes.

I agree. He'd be tracking it all over the bus and school. You did the right thing IMO, making him change his shoes.

I don't think there should be consequences this afternoon, but I would maybe sit down with him and discuss what happened and why it's not ok to walk around with dog crap on his shoes when he had an alternative, outside the heat of the moment from this morning.

[onomatopoeia]

Thanks ladies. Objectively, I know it happens (losing your shit). It just sucks when it happens to you, you know? My own mom was a frequent shit-loser/yeller and I swore I'd not be like that - it was usually over minor stuff, and eventually we kids just tuned her out. So on the rare occasion (and it really is rare) that it happens, it bothers me.

Thanks for all your reality checks and advice, it really did help!

@que? - yes! That ridiculous defiance - omg. It's SO hard to deal with that.

[revolution]

Nov 26, 2014 11:35:44 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

Thanks ladies. Objectively, I know it happens (losing your shit). It just sucks when it happens to you, you know? My own mom was a frequent shit-loser/yeller and I swore I'd not be like that - it was usually over minor stuff, and eventually we kids just tuned her out. So on the rare occasion (and it really is rare) that it happens, it bothers me.

Thanks for all your reality checks and advice, it really did help!

@que? - yes! That ridiculous defiance - omg. It's SO hard to deal with that.I

I feel you. My mom yelled all.the.time. It was her normal. And, I, like you, don't want to be like that. The first time I did and walked in on DD (who was like only TWO) in the bathroom and the poor kid was just crying and trying to brush her teeth. And then I cried because I remember the horrible feeling. And then we sat on the stairs and cried together and I told her we were both going to have a re-do on the day and start over. Gah, I get teary thinking about how I lost my shit on her that day over pretty much nothing.

[Deleted]

Nov 26, 2014 10:19:40 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

I lost my cool this morning and threw a tantrum in front of my kids.  Swearing was involved. They were running around outside and DS1 (8) stepped in dog poop 3 minutes before the bus came.  No big deal, but no time to really clean the shoes well so I just told him to put on his other pair (we keep a cheap pair of runners as backup).

Nope.  Forget it.  Not comfortable shoes, mom (they fit fine, he actually picked them out.  They're just not his fancy runners that he likes, and that are covered in dog shit).   Absolute refusal.  Situation escalates and soon I am yelling about how I don't have time to clean the goddamn dog shit off his shoes and do what you're told and god help me I will throw you on that bus with no shoes on and you'll have to explain that yourself to the principal.

He eventually got the shoes on and got on the bus, with a lot of inappropriate muttering.  I'm at work now, stewing about this.  Part of me wants to implement all sorts of consequences this afternoon (we all have a half day) but I admit I was also over the top and did not handle the situation well. 

Advice?  Maybe I just needed to get it off my chest. I should add (not as an excuse, but as background) that DS is typically a handful both at home and at school.  He's a good-hearted kid but can act well outside his own best interests a good majority of the time.  Calmness and rational response are obviously the way to go (and things have been really improving), but I just hit my limit this morning.  He was 100% ready to get on the bus with poop all over his shoes, rather than wear different ones.

Yep, shake it off. Apologize later for swearing if you want. I will say, I'm a big fan of the "what's the worst thing that could happen?" train of thought. In this instance, you might have had him go inside and choose yet another pair of shoes to wear. Or let him go to school with the poo shoes. Gross for everyone involved but still not the end of the world.

[phdprocrastinator]

Nov 26, 2014 10:33:27 GMT -5 TR said:

OMG if i were his teacher I'd be so pissed if someone sent their kid to school with dog shit on their shoes.

Meh. It happens. Sometimes it happens on school grounds. I would assume that the parents didn't know. If I heard the story, I'd commiserate with the parent. And I would expect an 8 year old to get himself to the restroom to clean it up himself. That's a natural consequence for refusing to change out of poopy shoes.

[sandyapples]

Nov 26, 2014 12:27:09 GMT -5 phdprocrastinator said:

Nov 26, 2014 10:33:27 GMT -5 TR said:

OMG if i were his teacher I'd be so pissed if someone sent their kid to school with dog shit on their shoes.

Meh. It happens. Sometimes it happens on school grounds. I would assume that the parents didn't know. If I heard the story, I'd commiserate with the parent. And I would expect an 8 year old to get himself to the restroom to clean it up himself. That's a natural consequence for refusing to change out of poopy shoes.

Who is going to clean the shit off the bus floor?

OP: ((hugs))

[ECB]

Look - it happens to the best of us!! I had a TOTAL breakdown a few weeks ago w/ DS. Total breakdown. It doesn't make us bad moms. It makes us human.

[Deleted]

Sounds normal.

[bittybomb]

I agree.  Kids push the boundaries, and no one is perfect.  Everyone is bound to fucking lose it once in awhile.  You are not a bad mom because of this one episode.

I agree that I would sit down with him either today or tomorrow morning to talk about what happened and why you lost your shit.

[macmars45]

Nov 26, 2014 10:33:27 GMT -5 TR said:

OMG if i were his teacher I'd be so pissed if someone sent their kid to school with dog shit on their shoes.

Also the bus driver. Ugh.

onomatopoeia I don't have kids yet. My mom is super chill easy going lets things roll off her back. Everyone once in a while (like every few years) she'd get pissed off about something and just go around the house throwing all the kid crap on the floor for my sisters & I to clean up. We were grade school/jr high age and knew she needed a break so we'd clean up and be extra helpful for at least a few weeks following those incidents. Looking back it was good for us to see that she was human and needed a break/some help from us kids.

[cinnamoncox]

I'm sorry try not to beat yourself up. It was frustrating, you're human. I think making him change was absolutely the right thing to do, no doubt. The ridiculous stubborn behavior makes me batty too. It's so uncalled for, really.
I probably wouldn't bring it up. The natural consequence to wanting to go to school with shit shoes can be that mom got pissed, because that's foolish, kwim?

[appleaday]

Nov 26, 2014 10:30:00 GMT -5 phdprocrastinator said:

Nov 26, 2014 10:19:40 GMT -5 onomatopoeia said:

He was 100% ready to get on the bus with poop all over his shoes, rather than wear different ones.

In this situation, I probably would just let him go to school with stinky shoes. Then he would have the consequences of his choices. Possibly, if he didn't fight it, I'd put the back up shots in his bag and/or give him some paper towels to clean his shoes himself.

Of course, it's easy for me to say this because I'm an outsider. We all lose our cool at some point and if he was pushing your buttons already I can see how you might snap in this situation.

This afternoon I would apologize for my tantrum. I wouldn't institute new rules - that seems extreme - nor would I grovel. Something along the lines of "I'm sorry I lost it this morning. I am going to do my best to stay calm in the future. I love you.". Short and sweet. Then get excited for the long weekend.

I agree with this!