Did you take time off work, especially during the first year, for birthdays and anniversaries? My dad passed last year on December 5th, and I am taking it off this year, but mostly because I have a floating holiday that I can't use on the other days that it's really officially approved for.
It's a tough week. Last year the family Tgiving was canceled at the last minute, because he had just come home from the hospital but was still contagious (C diff), and he went back to the hospital the day after Tgiving. Today is the anniversary of the last time we talked together.
His birthday (in January) was hard, but okay. My parent's wedding anniversary in May (would have been 49 years) was REALLY hard, as was Father's Day. I don't know what next Friday will be like. I didn't take time off for the other days.
I hope you don't mind a lurker answering. I lost my mom 7 years ago. For the first couple years I took off the anniversary of the day she passed. I never took off any other days related to her.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I have not taken a day off, with the exception of already being off mother's day and father's day. Work is a nice distraction so that I am not completely consumed by the sadness.
January will be 8 years that I lost my mom. The first year I took off on the anniversary of her death so that my sisters and I could be together. I don't do that anymore. The first year or two are brutal, all the holidays, birthdays. I am sorry for your loss, but it does get easier. You don't really miss them any less, but you just figure out how to live and function without them. ((hugs))
I didn't/don't, but I was 18 at the time, and working my college job, so I might have just had those days off by coincidence. I don't remember.
For some reason, his birthday is more difficult for me than Father's Day or the holidays. Like Tamb said, I'm sort of in a general funk, a month or so around his death. We don't have an exact date for when he died, so it's all a little blurry. The date I found out isn't any more difficult then any other day around that time, so I don't take any time off.
((hugs)) It's still so fresh for you. Be gentle with yourself & do what you need to do.
Post by pegasuskat on Nov 26, 2014 11:13:25 GMT -5
I don't really take time off around the day my dad died, I do think of him a lot more around then, and get kind of depressed. But he died in 1999, so its been a long time now. He was a police office that died in the line of duty, so I tend to get more upset when I see something like that on the news and really get emotional for the family. I think you should do what is right for you, everybody has to handle grief their own way.
Post by chickenlittle on Nov 26, 2014 11:14:36 GMT -5
I was in college when my dad died, but I definitely needed time to myself on the anniversary of his death for the first couple years. Now that more time has passed, I've found I'm a mess more often in the 6 weeks or so leading up to the anniversary of his death (December 19th).
It still feels almost disrespectful to me to work on the anniversary of the day he died, but I've come to terms with it.
Do what feels right to you so that you can grieve. ((hugs))
Post by Miss Phryne Fisher on Nov 26, 2014 11:15:02 GMT -5
I lost my dad almost 13 years ago. I used to always take May 3 off but I don't anymore. I don't miss him less, and the lead up to the day is REALLY hard, but being at work helps me keep my mind off of it.
Post by revolution on Nov 26, 2014 11:15:10 GMT -5
I've lost my dad. I usually leave 2 hours early on his birthday and take flowers to his grave and then make his favorite dinner.
On the anniversary of his death, I take half a day off. That's also my birthday. I go out to eat with DH and then I take flowers to his grave with a cup of coffee and sit for a little bit. Then I can do a little better and put on a smile of some kind so my kids can see me have a happy birthday.
I try to take the day off that my step-dad died each year. I do this for a couple of reasons, one being that he passed on my niece's birthday. Some years are better than others, so I just wait and see how I'm feeling each year.
My dad was sick most of my life, starting when I was 12. Some will understand this and others won't. When he died it was a blessing, the man suffered for 34 years with one thing after another (diabetes contributing to heart, circulation, eye, kidney problems). I miss him but I wouldn't have prolonged his life.
My mom was more sudden, 2 years after dad died she started not feeling well in June. Wasn't on any meds, nothing. Doc decided she needed a heart cath and it was in mid-August. It was downhill from there and she died the end of September. 6 weeks.
My dad died Dec. 2000, my parents 50th anniversary would have been March 2001. My mom died in September 2002. Typically the surviving member of a couple that have been married a very long time lives short of 3 years. I couldn't even keep my mom alive for 2. Can you tell it is still hard?
It does get better. I have never taken their birthdays or anniversaries off but in the fall I find myself out-of-sorts, moody, easily angered, less focus. I don't know why but every year it takes awhile for me to figure out why. As I approach the anniversary of my mom's death it gets worse. A week or so afterward it pretty much lifts and I'm back to normal. Oh and my mom's birthday is Sept 17, I still have her last birthday gift. I never got to give it to her and it wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, it was something unique.
It does get easier, the saying that time heals is true. It still hurts but it gets better. Life is brighter, you see colors more vividly and you start to really live, to breath again but it takes time. It was about 18 months for me after my mom died, it is different for everyone. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
Another lurker chiming in. My dad passed away in September 2013. I did take off on his birthday (which is the day after my birthday) in January 2014. It would have been his 80th birthday, so it was a tough day. I spent the day with my brother and we had lunch and drank a toast to our dad. I also took off on the one year anniversary of his death.
I'm not sure if I will take the anniversary date off next year. Everyone says the first year after their passing is the hardest, and it's been a very hard year, for sure. Do what feels right for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
The first year or two are brutal, all the holidays, birthdays. I am sorry for your loss, but it does get easier. You don't really miss them any less, but you just figure out how to live and function without them. ((hugs))
I agree with this. Dec 14th will be 9 years since my mom passed. I never took any days off, as I was in my first year of college when she died and couldn't really afford to is class more than necessary due to my athletics schedule. The first year my dad, sisters and I all went out to dinner on her birthday. This time of year is tough regardless though, she loved the holidays and on top of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas, my birthday is in late October, my youngest sister has hers in mid November, and then my mom's is Dec 8th. ((hugs))
I took 2 days off around the first anniversary. Traditionally we are supposed to hold a mass and host a meal for friends in honor of the deceased, so I had to head up to handle all that.
Since that year, I haven't specifically taken time off, but Veteran's Day is the day after his anniversary and.I usually have that day to myself.
I lost my mom unexpectedly almost 5 years ago. (5 years in February). The first year I definitely took off on the anniversary of her passing. All the significant dates and holidays are still tough but it gets easier so to speak. It's like you have no choice but to find a new sense of normal and new traditions.
I personally find this time of year to be the hardest. My mom loved the holidays and always had fantastic thanksgiving dinners and xmas parties. I miss her like crazy.
Also, on her birthday and on the date she died, I make a starbucks run in her honor. It was like our thing so I'm comforted by that.
I don't think I'll take the anniversary off. Right now I'm focusing on keeping our family routines and traditions alive without my mom. This is why I'm in a house with a crazy person and her family in Los Angeles for Tgiving. Lol.
I lost my mom on Dec 23rd last year so this is the year of firsts for us and it sucks. I completely get what you're going though. I didn't take time off during the year and because her death was at Christmas I plan on taking off (I would have regardless). It doesn't really help that DH and I live about 1000 miles away from our families. Last year when my dad called to tell me she died at 1am (she was in hospital and I had a flight to fly back home in the am) I started taking down all Christmas decorations because I was mad at the world.
I don't know how this year is going to be. To honor her I'm decorating like crazy for Christmas.
The first year death anniversary, we happened to go skiing over that week. It wasn't planned, but I did take time alone to reflect and spend alone.
The subsequent days and holidays, I did not take off, though I thought about it. I knew that I would spiral downward emotionally if I took time off by myself, but then again, I know if I personally slow down, it's hard for me to pick back up.
Everyone has their own ways to process grief and I reserve no judgement for people who take whatever time they feel they need. Hugs. Thinking of you.
My mom died on September 2nd, just after Labor Day. Her birthday was September 30th and I went to work. I don't think I'll take any days off around the anniversary next year, but I will take time over the long weekend to grieve and reflect I'm sure. I think about her every day as it is and I've found it's better for me to stay busy as much as I can. Hugs to you.
I'm not taking it off work, but this is our first set of holidays without my Dad too. Thanksgiving is hard because it was one of the few holidays we were always together as adults in the past 4-5 years. I was also so excited to leave work early on this day to pick him up at the train or bus station.
At like 8pm on Christmas last year he code blued in the hospital so we rushed 3 hours to get to him. He then passed on New Years Day, so yeah the holidays will be hard this year since it is also the 1 year anniversary and I remember the whole awful time so vividly. I am just trying to make this all about my daughter's first holidays and not think too much about missing him.
My stepdad (raised me from a young age because my dad passed when I was 5) passed away halloween 2013 so we just passed the one year anniversary. I went to work. I broke down in the morning, but found it better to be distracted by work all day.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Nov 26, 2014 13:00:02 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss.
No, I have not taken time off for the anniversary of my Mom's passing.
The anniversary of her passing was rough, as was her first birthday after she was gone. But weirdly enough, New Year's Eve was the super hardest of them all that first year. NYE to me symbolizes the passage of time, a whole new year. I could not stand the notion of a whole new year without my Mom in it.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself on those troubling days.
Post by karinothing on Nov 26, 2014 13:11:24 GMT -5
I am sorry for your loss. I did not take the anniversaries off, but I was in school so didn't really have a set job. I did basically take the summer off right after she died and then went into intensive therapy. I found that in the end the build up to the holidays was way worse than the actual holiday itself. I remember feeling relieved when Christmas was finally over.
Post by spitforspat on Nov 26, 2014 13:20:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry for your loss.
I take my mom's birthday and the anniversary of her death off, usually. My sister chooses to work, it helps keep her mind off it. It's such a personal thing, I hope you find what works for you.