Moms of newborns

[maybebabiesrus]

I'm not a mom. I realize I need some mom perspective.

A good friend (good enough that my DH and just one other guy helped this family move into and out of an apartment twice in a year) just had her first child. She did home birth, so she's been home since he was born, last Friday. She posted pics on fb Friday night, Saturday, and Monday, so I know she's using her phone. I didn't want to be all in her business immediately, but Sunday afternoon I sent a congratulations text and asked how everyone was doing and asked if she would let me know if she was up for visitors before next Monday, as I'm off work until then. She hasn't responded.

I'm upset, but DH is pissed. The last three times we've spent time with this family was to move them into an apartment (which is now an hour from our place), attend their couples baby shower, and DH moved them into their new house (I had to work that day). I tried to get together for lunch about 3 weeks prior to delivery, and she wasn't up for it. DH feels like we've been used for help and gifts but that this family doesn't consider that we're genuinely interested in seeing them and seeing baby.

I'm trying to keep some "I don't understand what she's going through/it's the holidays" perspective, but I'm upset too. Are we out of line here? What's next?

[Deleted]

It was really hard for me to respond to texts in the beginning. I did eventually get back to people but It sometimes took a while and yes I was posting pics on FB in that time. So I think maybe give her a little slack but I do see how it seems rude. Also maybe she's not up for a visit but doesn't know how to say no? I would just text again (have you only sent one?) and say something like ".thinking of you and that sweet baby! Hope all is well! Let us know if you need anything, can't wait to meet him/her!"

[Deleted]

My suggestion for sending another text is because sometimes I would get a text right when I was about to nurse or take a nap and plan on responding later then just totally forget

[dulcemariamar]

IMO she gets a free pass. She could literally be in the middle of a shit storm. Visitors were the last thing on my mind the first few weeks.

Try texting her later in the week or just send her a happy Thanksgiving text today.

[anaps28]

Nov 27, 2014 7:00:48 GMT -5 ladybug said:

My suggestion for sending another text is because sometimes I would get a text right when I was about to nurse or take a nap and plan on responding later then just totally forget

Yup this. Also We moved away last year and I just had my 2nd 7 weeks ago.
my whole family was trying to FaceTime me for about a week after we got home and I avoided all of them. I just didn't want to "see" anyone

[maybebabiesrus]

Yes. I've only sent one. But today's Thanksgiving, so I'm sure she'll be dealing with family stuff, and I was hoping to see them Saturday or Sunday. I guess I'll wait until tomorrow to send another, and then I'll let them make the next move.

I really like this friend, but the new distance has made it hard to stay connected. She is a non-work friend, and our DHs get along, so it was always nice to spend time with them.

[sjh722]

Free pass.

She might be totally overwhelmed, or bit up to visitors, or nursing constantly, or crying constantly.

If you want to visit, don't expect to go and be entertained for hours and hold the baby the whole time. Text a happy thanksgiving and ask if you can bring a meal or drop off a pizza.

[maybebabiesrus]

Nov 27, 2014 7:11:27 GMT -5 anaps28 said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:00:48 GMT -5 ladybug said:

My suggestion for sending another text is because sometimes I would get a text right when I was about to nurse or take a nap and plan on responding later then just totally forget

Yup this. Also We moved away last year and I just had my 2nd 7 weeks ago.
my whole family was trying to FaceTime me for about a week after we got home and I avoided all of them. I just didn't want to "see" anyone

I guess I'd be less hurt if she hadn't already used that excuse the last time we tried to get together, since she wasn't up for seeing anyone then either. And while I'm hurt, I'm also balancing DH being angry. This is potentially friendship extinction level rude for him, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but I can't exactly understand it either. I feel like I'm making excuses for her, but I don't even have the background to believe my own excuses.

[undecidedowl]

Yea, she has a newborn, you don't know what she is going through. DS2 is 4 weeks old and with the craziness right now I have missed a lot of texts. I tend to read them while nursing but not be up for responding then forget to later. Maybe try again tomorrow. And give her a break for a while. This shit is tough.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2014 7:12:13 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Yes. I've only sent one. But today's Thanksgiving, so I'm sure she'll be dealing with family stuff, and I was hoping to see them Saturday or Sunday. I guess I'll wait until tomorrow to send another, and then I'll let them make the next move.

I really like this friend, but the new distance has made it hard to stay connected. She is a non-work friend, and our DHs get along, so it was always nice to spend time with them.

I would just gently keep trying. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose friends but I'm sure she is very overwhelmed and exhausted right now. Even if she doesn't respond to a second text I wouldn't "give up on her", some people have a really hard time adjusting and need a few weeks to even be able to feel normal or think about basic things like going grocery shopping, etc.
I know I personally liked when people let me know they were thinking of me and I did feel bad when I couldn't respond but I just did the best I could.

Actually, if you're up for it I would drop a meal off! Don't even insist on seeing her/baby, just drop it on the porch and let her know, she will be so thankful!

Hugs! It seems hard to be in your shoes too but I'm sure you guys will get together soon

[undecidedowl]

Nov 27, 2014 7:15:46 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:11:27 GMT -5 anaps28 said:

Yup this. Also We moved away last year and I just had my 2nd 7 weeks ago.
my whole family was trying to FaceTime me for about a week after we got home and I avoided all of them. I just didn't want to "see" anyone

I guess I'd be less hurt if she hadn't already used that excuse the last time we tried to get together, since she wasn't up for seeing anyone then either. And while I'm hurt, I'm also balancing DH being angry. This is potentially friendship extinction level rude for him, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but I can't exactly understand it either. I feel like I'm making excuses for her, but I don't even have the background to believe my own excuses.

I would seriously judge your DH for ending a friendship over pretty much anything someone did while they were majorly pregnant or recently post partum.

ETA: I get the feeling you guys don't 'believe' how hard it is. Please just trust me that she deserves a break.

[maybebabiesrus]

Nov 27, 2014 7:17:35 GMT -5 ladybug said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:12:13 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Yes. I've only sent one. But today's Thanksgiving, so I'm sure she'll be dealing with family stuff, and I was hoping to see them Saturday or Sunday. I guess I'll wait until tomorrow to send another, and then I'll let them make the next move.

I really like this friend, but the new distance has made it hard to stay connected. She is a non-work friend, and our DHs get along, so it was always nice to spend time with them.

I would just gently keep trying. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose friends but I'm sure she is very overwhelmed and exhausted right now. Even if she doesn't respond to a second text I wouldn't "give up on her", some people have a really hard time adjusting and need a few weeks to even be able to feel normal or think about basic things like going grocery shopping, etc.
I know I personally liked when people let me know they were thinking of me and I did feel bad when I couldn't respond but I just did the best I could.

Actually, if you're up for it I would drop a meal off! Don't even insist on seeing her/baby, just drop it on the porch and let her know, she will be so thankful!

Hugs! It seems hard to be in your shoes too but I'm sure you guys will get together soon

This is good perspective. I'll send another and let it ride. I'd typically be all over the idea of preparing a meal, but I had minor surgery yesterday myself, and I'm not up to it. I also don't think we're up for making a two-hour round trip to drop off a meal and not see them. If they were closer or I was less achy, I think that would be nice. Maybe next weekend.

[turtlegirl]

She has a one week old. Free pass.

When I had my first I was a crying hormonal mess and didn't really want visitors. Any free moment I had I wanted to sleep or just have some alone time to myself. One of my dear friends that I had known since jr. High was in town (she lives 400 miles away) about 2 weeks after he was born and she came over to drop off a gift and see me/the baby. My DH kicked her out after like 5 mins because I was needing to nurse and was having a bad day overall.

When my second kid was born we had like 10 people over for dinner the day we get home from the hospital. So really there is no "normal".

Just give her some time and space.

[gibbinator]

With a one week old baby, she's still recovering from a fairly exhausting experience, is probably overwhelmed with family especially this time of year, and just trying to relax when they're alone rather than host. Not to mention recover physically from the vaginal trauma if she tore.
Wait a couple more days to text again, but don't be surprised if you don't see them for a month. Parents of newborns are often tired and distracted. When you do eventually visit bring them food.
Eta: you just had minor surgery and don't feel up to cooking. Imagine having to take care of a newborn right now too! That's how she's feeling. And no, newborns don't just sleep all the time.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2014 7:21:18 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:17:35 GMT -5 ladybug said:

I would just gently keep trying. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose friends but I'm sure she is very overwhelmed and exhausted right now. Even if she doesn't respond to a second text I wouldn't "give up on her", some people have a really hard time adjusting and need a few weeks to even be able to feel normal or think about basic things like going grocery shopping, etc.
I know I personally liked when people let me know they were thinking of me and I did feel bad when I couldn't respond but I just did the best I could.

Actually, if you're up for it I would drop a meal off! Don't even insist on seeing her/baby, just drop it on the porch and let her know, she will be so thankful!

Hugs! It seems hard to be in your shoes too but I'm sure you guys will get together soon

This is good perspective. I'll send another and let it ride. I'd typically be all over the idea of preparing a meal, but I had minor surgery yesterday myself, and I'm not up to it. I also don't think we're up for making a two-hour round trip to drop off a meal and not see them. If they were closer or I was less achy, I think that would be nice. Maybe next weekend.

Oh I didn't realize the distance, ya that's probably too much. I hope you're dh can gain some perspective too, it really is hard! I still struggle some days and my son is 3 months old! (but I also have a toddler, that's a different level of crazy!)

Hope your recovery is smooth

[maybebabiesrus]

Nov 27, 2014 7:20:20 GMT -5 undecidedowl said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:15:46 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

I guess I'd be less hurt if she hadn't already used that excuse the last time we tried to get together, since she wasn't up for seeing anyone then either. And while I'm hurt, I'm also balancing DH being angry. This is potentially friendship extinction level rude for him, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but I can't exactly understand it either. I feel like I'm making excuses for her, but I don't even have the background to believe my own excuses.

I would seriously judge your DH for ending a friendship over pretty much anything someone did while they were majorly pregnant or recently post partum.

ETA: I get the feeling you guys don't 'believe' how hard it is. Please just trust me that she deserves a break.

Thank you for your edit.

[smock]

So she has a six day old baby and hasn't responded to your text in three days? And it's a major holiday?

Yes, you need to chill and give her some time. Those first few weeks can be crazy, and you have no idea how she's doing or how the baby is doing--shit they might be in the hospital or worrying about the baby losing too much weight or trying to juggle pushy family that wants to see them for the long weekend.

And honestly, your DH's reaction is ridiculous. I hate to say it, but you will both likely be embarrassed at your reactions once you have gone through the childbirth/newborn gauntlet.

[maybebabiesrus]

I appreciate that you've shared your experiences here and helped me try to understand what they're dealing with. I'll send another text tomorrow, plan not to see them until they're up for it, and eventually bring food.

I'll excuse myself from this post before it turns into something hurtful toward me or my husband. Thank you to those of you who have offered suggestions. Happy Thanksgiving to all. Snuggle your precious babies today.

[catsarecute]

I didn't want friends visiting the first week I was home. I barely wanted my family there. I didn't know how to respond to people saying they wanted to come over because I didn't want to seem ungrateful.
You guys are awesome friends for helping so much! I hope she gets back to you soon. For now, I wouldn't take it personally.

[persa]

Nov 27, 2014 7:00:48 GMT -5 ladybug said:

My suggestion for sending another text is because sometimes I would get a text right when I was about to nurse or take a nap and plan on responding later then just totally forget

This happens to me all the time, not even postpartum. Or I get like 6 texts at once and am not able to respond to all right away and then I get distracted from responding to the ones I hadn't yet responded to.

[mellymel]

This post is making me upset for your friend. Please just know the physical, hormonal, and mental exhaustion that comes with carrying, delivering, and caring for a newborn.

Sometimes I cry just looking back on those times because it was so hard.

Please, please, please give this friend a break and a free pass.

[livinitup]

She absolutely deserves ALL of your kindness and patience. These aren't "excuses" - she was very pregnant when you last tried to get together and now a bomb has gone off in her life in the form of a newborn. It's going to take a long time before they get there acts together and respond to texts and plans. They didn't use you - this is normal life craziness happening.

Why isn't your DH reaching out to the father? One text to the mother, few days after the birth of a baby seems like a tiny amount of effort to get this angry about. Tell your DH to calm down and give a call, and stop expecting anything. These are incredibly chaotic days.

[Willis Jackson]

Give her a break. She needs to recover. She needs to take care of herself and her baby. This is not about you, your H, or your friendship. Give her space.

[rugbywife]

She just had her first kid…everyone deals with it in different ways. I actually saw one of my friends in the hospital the day the baby was born, and then she went home the next day and promptly sent a text to our group of friends that essentially said "I won't be around/answering texts/etc, I am trying to figure out breast feeding". She was finding it overwhelming, she found the lack of sleep exhausting, she was a single mom and was dealing with a lot. Not for a second did I judge her…except I did a bit, because I hadn't had kids yet. Once I had mine, I totally got it, even though I didn't have a problem having guests and answering texts, I could see how someone might.

We all do what we need to do. I am sure you and your husband are coming from a place of love in your feelings, and I HATED it when people said this to me before I had kids, but you don't know what it is like until you have been there. You really just don't.

[jewel]

Nov 27, 2014 7:15:46 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

Nov 27, 2014 7:11:27 GMT -5 anaps28 said:

Yup this. Also We moved away last year and I just had my 2nd 7 weeks ago.
my whole family was trying to FaceTime me for about a week after we got home and I avoided all of them. I just didn't want to "see" anyone

I guess I'd be less hurt if she hadn't already used that excuse the last time we tried to get together, since she wasn't up for seeing anyone then either. And while I'm hurt, I'm also balancing DH being angry. This is potentially friendship extinction level rude for him, and I'm trying to be sensitive, but I can't exactly understand it either. I feel like I'm making excuses for her, but I don't even have the background to believe my own excuses.

Being 9 months pregnant and 1 week post partum are not "excuses" for not wanting to meet up. They are just life, and not a reflection of their feelings on your friendship. I promise.

For the last couple days of my pregnancy and first few days of newborn life, I literally did not sleep one blink. I posted a few things to Facebook because it was easier than responding to 9 million texts individually, but i was just barely hanging on to sanity. If I would have heard that any friends or family were upset about it, I would have immediately put them at the bottom of the waitlist for visits.

If these people are your friends, then you need to have some compassion and grace, and trust that they are doing the best they can. Be supportive, and I'm sure they'll extend an offer for a visit once they are able to do so.

[water*drop]

I posted a ton on Facebook with my newborn because it made the constant texts from our families stop since they were all getting to see pictures, etc. I was a wreck for the first several weeks postpartum, though - a colicky newborn who wouldn't latch properly, cracked and bleeding nipples that kept me topless most of the time, an allergic reaction to medication, etc. The last thing I wanted to do was see people, but I also hated to tell them no, so I was really happy that most of my friend understood. Please try to cut them a break.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2014 6:54:37 GMT -5 maybebabiesrus said:

I'm not a mom. I realize I need some mom perspective.

A good friend (good enough that my DH and just one other guy helped this family move into and out of an apartment twice in a year) just had her first child. She did home birth, so she's been home since he was born, last Friday. She posted pics on fb Friday night, Saturday, and Monday, so I know she's using her phone. I didn't want to be all in her business immediately, but Sunday afternoon I sent a congratulations text and asked how everyone was doing and asked if she would let me know if she was up for visitors before next Monday, as I'm off work until then. She hasn't responded.

I'm upset, but DH is pissed. The last three times we've spent time with this family was to move them into an apartment (which is now an hour from our place), attend their couples baby shower, and DH moved them into their new house (I had to work that day). I tried to get together for lunch about 3 weeks prior to delivery, and she wasn't up for it. DH feels like we've been used for help and gifts but that this family doesn't consider that we're genuinely interested in seeing them and seeing baby.

I'm trying to keep some "I don't understand what she's going through/it's the holidays" perspective, but I'm upset too. Are we out of line here? What's next?

I think it is really great that you reached out to ask mothers about the situation before responding. There is no way you could have known since you don't have kids of your own. Honestly, you and your husband sound like great friends to this couple! I'm sure they appreciate you and will be thrilled to see you once everything settles down with the newborn situation. Try to have patience and not to be too hurt (although I do understand why you feel that way). I had family calling/coming over all the time after LO was born, so lots of texts went unanswered. I couldn't be bothered to find my cellphone

[vmars]

The first 2 weeks after having a baby suck. It is insanely exhausting, you have the baby blues, trying to figure everything out. I remember thinking how am I ever going to function again. I didn't have time to do anything, I barely had time or energy to post to fb. If I wanted to see a friend I had DH set it up. Also, 3 weeks before I had DS I was on maternity leave, but there were nights where I was up puking and generally feeling awful. She gets a pass

[sixtwelve]

Nov 27, 2014 7:00:48 GMT -5 ladybug said:

My suggestion for sending another text is because sometimes I would get a text right when I was about to nurse or take a nap and plan on responding later then just totally forget

I agree with this. She is probably really tired and not remembering everything.

[shekels1222]

I have a 3 week old and sometimes visitors are just overwhelming when I'm tired, nursing around the clock, recovering from childbirth, my house is a wreck and my hormones are completely out of whack.

She deserves a break on this one. Having a newborn, especially your first is hard. Give her some space. It isn't your "right" to see the baby. It's her right to rest recover and bond with her baby as she sees fit.

I didn't "know" before I had kids either. Don't worry everyone does it.