A birthday vent

[teatimefor2]

Can I post a selfish vent please?

My DH sucks at birthdays - actually all events that you are suppose to celebrate a person you love. I know this and I don't know why I'm disappointed every year. We've been together for nine + years.

It's my birthday and my sister is also in town. I go downstairs with the baby and he's making breakfast - nothing fancy. Oatmeal for me and English muffin for me son, who is two.

He asks when I want to open my present and I say what do you have planned? When should I open it? He says well, I thought maybe your sister could babysit DS1 and we could go to lunch. Sister looks surprised as we are doing small business Saturday shopping and she was plan to leave at noon. She says sure anyways. I ask him where should go because I'm a dairy/soy free vegetarian due to DS2. He says he doesn't know and it was just a thought but we can skip it. That the dairy/soy thing is new.

Great.

DS1 says open present mommy so we go to open my present. A card from my DH, no card from my sons and driving gloves that are not what I wanted at all. I've dropped hints, I've linked to driving gloves in the past. DH says he'll think of something for dinner.

I want to f' cry. Mother's Day was also awful this year. I ended up driving my sister all over NYC and spent four hours in the car. DH gave me a book on the perils of the food industry because im interested in that and a picture for my future desk of him and DS that I may need in 5/6 years.

Again, zero planning. And the damn gloves need to he returned. He couldn't have asked my sister to babysit in the three days she's been here, or googled a freakin vegan resturant?

I feel like an after thought. This happens nearly very damn year. I hate my birthday now, I'm always disappointed.

[cricketwife]

I'm really sorry.

[brooklyn]

Ugh, I'm sorry. I hope you have fun shopping with your sister today.

[MadamePresident]

I'm sorry. It's hard when someone doesn't meet your reasonable expectations.

For mothers day my husband was kind of like that. He went to the store and found something, but it was kind of random. Plus, my daughter didn't have any part in picking out the gift. This year for Christmas I asked if he thought about when he and Nods were going to go shopping together for my present.

I can't get too upset though. I'm not always a good gift giver. I'll have several years of mediocre gifts followed by one awesome gift, then I switch back to mediocre.

[ssmjlm]

I'm sorry.

This year's birthday was awful. I don't think I'll ever forget what DH did or didn't do.

I still tried to make his birthday nice.

[redheadk]

My DH is the same way. I'm so sorry, it really is very hurtful.

[bbonanza]

I'm so very sorry about your birthday. ((Hugs))

[carolinagirl831]

Ugh I'm sorry! I've learned my DH is not a planner either.
So instead of being disappointed, I plan. I say hey we're going to x for dinner, this is what I want exactly.. Sucks not to be surprised but at least I'm celebrated and don't feel let down

Hang in there! As far as the vegetarian / soy free I think men just don't think.
You tell him what you want for finner

[lolo]

Nov 29, 2014 10:15:18 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

I'm sorry. It's hard when someone doesn't meet your reasonable expectations.

This.

My DH is not great in this area either. It also sucks because his birthday is four days before mine, so I usually have just some something nice for him and then mine is completely anticlimactic. He's not typically the best gift give either, although he did great for mother's day this year.

Anyway, I feel you. And I'm sorry.

[hermione]

I say this with love but you need to adjust your expectations. Seriously. This isn't your husband's strong suit. You should either tell him exactly what you want him to plan or plan it yourself.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.

[Deleted]

He should do better.

He probably never will.

Either put yourself or someone that will do a great job (like your sister, mom, or BFF) in charge of making your birthday not suck. You don't have to rely on someone totally unreliable to do that. I know you wish he would - and it's totally reasonable to wish he would - but if he's disappointed you on many occasions, he's really not likely to get it together spontaneously.

[nancybotwin]

DH is terrible at planning, so I do it. I am disappointed that he doesn't plan but I get to do what I want. This year I even got my own cake and dinner (we brought in) because I wasn't about to feel disappointed. I figure doing it myself is better than not having/doing anything.

[mlvmd]

Yeah, DH is a good gift giver except that I don't really like gifts. He is good at picking out something I like but will spend so much money and I know I could have gotten it much cheaper so it takes a lot of the enjoyment out of it (it's all our money so it affects me). If we do something I have to plan it.

We don't really do gifts anymore. If there is something big we want we will hold off until a holiday/birthday and get it then. It's taken a lot of pressure off of us.

[waterchurch]

Aww, I'm sorry. I would be disappointed too. I hope you guys can work out how to pull off not making holidays stink for you.

[justjen]

My DH is terrible at god stuff too. He's so great with so many things, but I come from a family with awesome gifts and fun surprises. I love good surprises. It's just not his thing. I keep hoping though

[livinitup]

How would today have been different if you had ordered the gloves you wanted, and given it to DH to wrap a few weeks ago? And then planned a little spa morning with your sister while your DH watched your LO. And then you all met-up in a restaurant that you picked (with a good vegan menu) for lunch?

How would your birthday have been then?

[livinitup]

How would today have been different if you had ordered the gloves you wanted, and given it to DH to wrap a few weeks ago? And then planned a little spa morning with your sister while your DH watched your LO. And then you all met-up in a restaurant that you picked (with a good vegan menu) for lunch?

How would your birthday have been then?

[teatimefor2]

Thanks for your comments. It's going better over here. DH has done some great birthdays, it's a hit or miss for him. For my 30th, he planned a week of Tea with a different activity every night agf we flew to Germany for the weekend. Tea at the Ritz, the West End, it was fabulous. Apparently, he likes to hit it out of the park once and then rude on that for the next five years -lol!

We talked and he understood. I went shopping with my sister and my son painted me a card.

Our eight year wedding anniversary is in a fortnight, so he'll be trying again.

[chickens987]

I agree with others to adjust expectations. My h is awesome in the every day but he kind of sucks at "events". I bought myself cake this year because I knew he wouldn't think about it. I even bought him a gluten free cupcake so he could have something but I do it without guilt or expectation.

[CloudBee]

You need to start giving him a list or filling your joint Amazin cart and telling him to go through the purchasing motions. You also need to start telling him where you want to eat out. If most of us left these details up to surprise, we would surely be let down.

You've posted about this several times, and it's always the same. I feel for you, as I want my birthday to be planned by my husband, too. But in reality, I specifically tell him where we are eating, and often make the reservation myself.

Seriously. Next year, order what you want, or set the expectation that he purchase a verrrry specific item. And heck, put in a breakfast request. He needs pointed directions, not suggestions. He's proving such.

Or even state that your birthdays activity is to go shopping as a family, or alone (get a sitter) for your gifts...?

I'm sorry you felt let down again. But I think he did try.

[CloudBee]

Nov 29, 2014 15:21:58 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

Our eight year wedding anniversary is in a fortnight, so he'll be trying again.

Anniversary celebrations should be joint ventures. Teamwork, here!

[lulu21]

I'm sorry, it's a sucky feeling! My H is like that too. I once got a vonage? Phone for my birthday because I complained about bad cell reception at our house... I finally gave him lists of exactly what I'd like, and it's gotten much better.

[mrspost08]

I'm sorry! I now give links of stuff I want. I plan out & tell him what we will do in my birthday in order to avoid the nonsense. I've had to nicely tell him to buy things I pick out otherwise it's usually a flop. He bought me a granny leopard cardigan one year. Along with some horrific scarves. I'm in my 30s not 60s lol

The first year we were together he outdid himself. Took me away to a beautiful resort and gave me diamond earrings.

[teatimefor2]

Nov 29, 2014 16:16:54 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Nov 29, 2014 15:21:58 GMT -5 teatimefor2 said:

Our eight year wedding anniversary is in a fortnight, so he'll be trying again.

Anniversary celebrations should be joint ventures. Teamwork, here!

Oh, they are?. I think part of the issue was until the last few, we never really gave gifts. We just went on trips, but it's two boys in two years, buying a hind and lots of moves, we are giving gifts now. I use to just plan trips for our birthdays and he did our anniversary. I think we are still getting use to our new normal.

[Deleted]

I have had SO many shitty birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day, XMAS' that I have just said FUCK IT, & told H to just stop buying me things. Instead I will buy myself really thoughtful & nice gifts & gifts from DS.

My H does not care AT ALL. Last year I picked out a piece of jewelry I really wanted & left him in the store with it. On XMAS he gave me a bracelet from another STORE that he bought on clearance & couldn't return. I asked why he didn't just buy the ring I wanted when I asked for it & he said " he got confused" WHUT??? HUH??

[faith194]

My husband is hit or miss with gifts. I don't expect anything, so I am not disappointed. When he does come through, I truly am surprised. He shows he cares in other ways.

[oliviapope]

Nov 29, 2014 17:17:36 GMT -5 jenny1980 said:

I don't think it sounds that terrible, honestly. If you know he's not great with the planning, it seems a little...passive aggressive? to be like, "Oh, what do you have planned?" If you wanted to do something outside of him making dinner, giving you a gift, etc. I think you needed to be more clear about that. 

I hope your day got better, but I am here. I mean do you want the whole day to be a surprise or would you rather do whatever you want? It sounds like he wanted to have an idea of what you wanted to do.

Also, it sounds like he doesn't usually meet your expectations on birthdays and holidays. I mean he did try. He might be thinking:

I made breakfast (but it wasn't special/good enough)
I gave her a card (but she was upset there wasn't one from the boys)
I gave her a gift she said she wanted (but it was right and she is unhappy)
I wanted to go to lunch (but she was upset I didn't think of it sooner)
I said I would plan dinner (but she doesn't look happy about that)

Maybe instead of planning trips you just plan what you want to do on your birthday.

Also, good luck on the diet. I have been doing the same thing. You can pretty much find something to eat at most restaurants though!
Happy birthday!

[holly116]

DH's love language is NOT gifts. And he can be an ass and refuse to see any other way than his way of thinking as a viable option. So, as far as a tangible gift goes, he's probably not ever going to get me what I want. So if I want something, I buy it and tell him that he's getting me that and everyone is happy. I bought a purse that he's giving me for Christmas today, in fact.

Point being, as others have said, he's amazing at several other things, I married him for lots of reasons. I'm sure you adore your DH as well. Setting traps and hoops for him to jump through which he does not care about is a recipe for failure over here. So I don't do it. Asking him to try and figure out what I want is just asking him to be frustrated. He bought me a new washer for Mother's Day and a robot floor cleaner for Christmas last year lol. I mean, he's trying to make my day to day easier, it's what HE would appreciate in a gift. So that's what he gives. I don't take it as a personal front to how he sees our relationship. He shows his love and appreciation in other ways.

As far as anniversaries go, we follow the traditional and modern gifts because then he at least has a category to guide him. One year he went to the book store, bought a book on the history of china and then bought a yard of cotton fabric to wrap it in (china/cotton). That was a miss. I bought myself a nice leather purse afterwards (the following year's gift) to grow on. This year, he took guitar lessons and played me the song we had our first dance to at a function in front of several of our friends (wood). That was a hit out of the park.

Your DH's loves you, you know this. He just sucks at giving you gifts. I would just plan your birthday, buy what you want and appreciate him for the ways he does show you that he cares and loves you.

[anna7602]

I hate ordering physical gifts for myself, but don't mind planning experiences. So, I don't expect gifts from DH anymore. Instead, I tell him what trip I want to go on or what restaurant i want to try for my birthday/Valentine's Day/our anniversary, etc. and then I make it happen. My birthday is next week, but DH already got me a yoga workshop I attended a few weeks ago as my birthday gift, I also plan to go get a pedicure next weekend while he hangs out with the kids.

Happy birthday!

[erbear]

Nov 29, 2014 10:53:51 GMT -5 hermione said:

I say this with love but you need to adjust your expectations. Seriously. This isn't your husband's strong suit. You should either tell him exactly what you want him to plan or plan it yourself.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.

This. I mean, you know this about him. He's not going to change. Plan it yourself - he'd probably appreciate it.