I need to get this off my chest

[ohyouknow]

PDQ, I will DD because I know my boss saw GBCN on my computer a couple weeks ago and I don't ever want him to see this. This has just been weighing on my mind and I don't work with any women anymore. DH is aware of everything.

My issue:

I work for an Army O-6 on a small team not on a base.  I really liked him for the first 10 months - he was friendly, not flirty. Married with kids, as am I.  I did start to noticed he seemed to give me preferential treatment over the men on our team. He texted me a lot, although nothing inappropriate. Then my birthday was a month ago. A few days before it, he asked me to lunch - just me and him. It was weird.  Then the next day he came in my office, shut the door saying he didn't want anyone to interrupt, and said he had a birthday gift for me. I opened it while he watched and it was 4 items, including a gift card to my favorite lunch spot and an expensive maroon Italian leather journal with a heart stamped on the front. There was also a card that he wrote a long letter about how much he enjoyed working with me and admired me and I was so awesome, blah, blah. I was weirded out by how much time and effort and money went into putting together the gift.

Since then I cannot act the same around him. About 3 days after my birthday he came in my office and shut the door again and said he noticed I was acting strangely and apologized and admitted lunch was awkward. THEN he says he noticed he couldn't see my FB page (he requested me several months ago) and asked if I blocked him. (I hadn't, I had accidently set my page to "me only" for viewing. BUT STILL. Who asks that?) I had noticed in the past that he FB stalked me, because he would know details that I had posted about 2 years earlier, or something I had posted on an outside page that he would have had to click on to read.

I don't know what his deal is - my gut tells me he developed this little crush on me and was just testing the waters without being overt. All I DO know is I can't seem to act the same. I really thought he was a great boss before, and within a week it turned weird and creepy and I hate going to work. There isn't a solution, but I wish things hadn't changed. :-(

Update: So this thread died but funny story: I moved to Germany and the O-6 moved to Italy. I had a conference there last year after not seeing him for 2 years and lo and behold he was our small group’s guest speaker. He caught me afterwards to talk. It was very brief. I got a lonnnnng email from him a week later. I read the first part then stopped. And never replied.

[NomadicMama]

Uff, that sounds really uncomfortable. I'm sorry work is a stressful place for you now. Maybe time and some space will help things get to a place where you feel comfortable again.

[ohyouknow]

I am scheduled to move in June/July, so not too much longer. Asking for new placement earlier than that would be a big deal and definitely career-ending for him, which I am not willing to do. He is not a bad person, I think he just got stupid and forgot he's a married colonel and can't be giving heart-stamped leather journals and handwritten cards to female subordinates.

I just wish he'd back off. He just told me that tomorrow when several of us are driving to a meeting that he is going to ride with me. Why wouldn't he go with the other male colonels on our team who are driving? As one data point that is not a big deal, but when it's put together with all the other times he makes a point to be alone with me, it makes my skin crawl.

[panicked]

Dec 3, 2014 13:05:14 GMT -5 ohyouknow said:

I am scheduled to move in June/July, so not too much longer. Asking for new placement earlier than that would be a big deal and definitely career-ending for him, which I am not willing to do. He is not a bad person, I think he just got stupid and forgot he's a married colonel and can't be giving heart-stamped leather journals and handwritten cards to female subordinates.

I just wish he'd back off. He just told me that tomorrow when several of us are driving to a meeting that he is going to ride with me. Why wouldn't he go with the other male colonels on our team who are driving? As one data point that is not a big deal, but when it's put together with all the other times he makes a point to be alone with me, it makes my skin crawl.

You need to tell him no. Make it firm. Make it clear. The more you dance around his behavior, the more awkward it's going to get. "I'm actually riding alone so I can have some time to myself. I will see you there!"

[ohyouknow]

It's easy to say "be firm, be clear" but it's not so black and white in reality. I have to work near him for another 6 months on a super small team, I have a performance report coming up, and frankly he affects a lot of things as far as my quality of life (leave dates, etc.) I have resigned myself to the awkwardness - I'm just pissed/annoyed that it came to this.

[panicked]

Dec 3, 2014 14:12:10 GMT -5 ohyouknow said:

It's easy to say "be firm, be clear" but it's not so black and white in reality. I have to work near him for another 6 months on a super small team, I have a performance report coming up, and frankly he affects a lot of things as far as my quality of life (leave dates, etc.) I have resigned myself to the awkwardness - I'm just pissed/annoyed that it came to this.

I know. Trust me. But you should not have to subject yourself to a workplace that makes you uncomfortable for the next six months. You never know when things can escalate. He's an o-6; he thinks he's untouchable. You know why he thinks that? Because he has power over your career. How many times has it come out that people like that took advantage of lots of women/people/situations because they scared people into keeping quiet? It's not fair and it's not right.
Can your husband stop in more frequently? Make his presence known?

[ohyouknow]

Dec 3, 2014 14:18:39 GMT -5 panicked said:

Dec 3, 2014 14:12:10 GMT -5 ohyouknow said:

It's easy to say "be firm, be clear" but it's not so black and white in reality. I have to work near him for another 6 months on a super small team, I have a performance report coming up, and frankly he affects a lot of things as far as my quality of life (leave dates, etc.) I have resigned myself to the awkwardness - I'm just pissed/annoyed that it came to this.

I know. Trust me. But you should not have to subject yourself to a workplace that makes you uncomfortable for the next six months. You never know when things can escalate. He's an o-6; he thinks he's untouchable. You know why he thinks that? Because he has power over your career. How many times has it come out that people like that took advantage of lots of women/people/situations because they scared people into keeping quiet? It's not fair and it's not right.
Can your husband stop in more frequently? Make his presence known?

This is what I tell people when it's not me. :^) 

He's not lurking in the hallways waiting to grope me though. More like a weird interest in me.  :-(

[ohyouknow]

Dec 3, 2014 14:36:20 GMT -5 Stan said:

Fuck this. I'm sorry. I have no advice because I was one of those scared into shutting up. At least keep a log of this behavior. With dates and such.

Stan, that sucks. :-( I don't know what goes through some men's heads. Seriously.

[panicked]

Dec 3, 2014 15:44:45 GMT -5 Stan said:

Dec 3, 2014 15:25:32 GMT -5 ohyouknow said:

This is what I tell people when it's not me. :^) 

He's not lurking in the hallways waiting to grope me though. More like a weird interest in me. 

That's what people don't understand. It's so much easier to protect others than yourself.

And it's also why women are victimized more than men. We are too scared of the consequences, make excuses like "oh, he's just being friendly" or it's not that bad really.

[audette]

I'd come up with an errand you have to run en route to the thing that would preclude him getting a ride with you.


And if he insists on still riding with you, tell him flat out that his interest is starting to look and feel inappropriate, and you don't want either of you to suffer repercussions because of it. It will suck to have to say it, but it really does need to be said. This is at a point where you should be able to simply say "dumbass - this attention is unwanted and incredibly stupid... you are smarter than this".

[amaristella]

He cannot ride with you. (Ever.) I am so sorry. I'm probably the most oblivious person about that kind of stuff and I usually don't realize that someone has a crush on me until they or someone else blatantly tells me. And even then when it's a co-worker we've always been on the same pay level so to speak.

I agree with Audette. You might not have to "tell" on him to make it stop. If you just look at him in the eye and tell him to quit it with the special attention I have a feeling that he would. You can be nice about it but still be direct. Pretend like you're talking to a brother or a male cousin or something. I find that helps. Also, and this is sort of a guy thing but you may have to be specific about which things are not okay. "It looks like favoritism when you ride with me instead of the other guys, and go out to lunch with just me, and buy birthday presents that probably go over the spending limit for gifts to a subordinate." I'm pretty sure DH told me once he is not allowed to spend over a certain amount on gifts for a subordinate (birthday, wedding, baby shower, whichever) because of the favoritism thing. The amount was pretty low like $20 or $25.

[ohyouknow]

A small update and clarification:

I did have the awkward "this isn't professional" conversation at the same time he asked me about my FB page. I told him I wanted to be treated like everyone else and I'm not interested in anything inappropriate, which then he totally nods and agrees and says "of course, me neither!"

The meeting (the one that he wanted to ride with me) was yesterday. My boss hopped in with me despite me telling him that I had carseats and the other vehicle going would be more comfortable. It annoys me he'd literally rather crawl to the very back row of my 10 year old minivan and sit wedged between two car seats than ride in the front seat of the other guy's Lexus.

I honestly wish I could just act normal around him at work, but I'm so creeped out by him now that I have a hard time even being fake nice. Thank God I'm TDY next week.

[panicked]

Uh, you told him not to ride in your car and he did anyway? HUGE GIGANTIC RED FLAG

[ohyouknow]

Yes Stan! You read my mind.

[panicked]

Dec 5, 2014 17:06:48 GMT -5 Stan said:

That's a fucking weird update man.

I have to say that while I understand the advice in this thread (can your husband stop by more, make his presence obvious, etc.), it really bothers me. He shouldn't have to! It shouldn't matter if you're married/single/gay whatever. This is why I know it's a systematic issue that is a long way from getting fixed no matter how many damn classes we all go to.

Good point. And an idea, actually can you contact your SHARP rep and have them do a "totally random" sharp training?

[amaristella]

I don't want to quote anything....just Yiiiick on the update. I probably would be stunned into silence if that happened.

I really hate that this is happening to you.

[audette]

Ick. (to the update)

Fuck trying to be nice. Report his ass. You've had the "let's be professional" talk, and he is obviously not responding to it. I'd be done with trying to be polite at this point.

[blt08]

Dec 6, 2014 6:28:55 GMT -5 audette said:

Ick. (to the update)

Fuck trying to be nice. Report his ass. You've had the "let's be professional" talk, and he is obviously not responding to it. I'd be done with trying to be polite at this point.

Ditto this. I've been the only female on small teams, hell I still am even as a contractor and even these guys know I'd throw a complete shit fit I'd they tried this garbage. You should not have to feel awkward at work. Report him. For all you know he could have done this in the past or may do it again in the future. Use your voice, be your own advocate.