XP from ML: Need courage to leave

[regae]

This is an XP from ML, where I've gotten really great advice.  A poster suggested that you guys would have some wisdom for me as well.  I need the courage to leave my husband but I'm scared.  And I love him and he'll continue indefinitely with the status quo, so that makes it all the harder.  

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I've been married for nearly six years, no kids, 36-years-old.

DH isn't affectionate with me, often rejects my kisses (turns cheek away or allows the quickest peck), and our sex life isn't good (few times a month, no foreplay, just right to the action).

DH is also critical of my body, urging me to workout more, eat less... He's told me before that my lack of a perfect body is a reason why he doesn't feel affectionate. (FWIW, I'm 5'4" and weigh 115 pounds, am actually quite attractive, and appear to be in my late 20s.)

DH is short-tempered and snaps at me a lot. He goes into "funks" in which he ignores me and these bad moods can last for days. When this happens I feel so, so alone. I often walk on eggshells so as not to set off one of these bad moods.

There are some other issues, but the lack of affection and the crippling bad moods are what keep me up at night. He is a glass is half empty type of person. Always finds fault in everything, including me.

Our relationship was mainly long-distance until we got married and I didn't see this side of him until a few months after the wedding. I've held on because I'm a fighter, I'm scared, I truly love him and just want for us to be happy. It's been like way for years and in some ways I've grown used to it.

But now I'm at a crossroads - I want children at some point, but I can't bring myself to do it with him. I don't want to bring a child into this toxic house and I can only imagine how terrible he'll make me feel about my body during/after pregnancy.

He doesn't want to go to therapy - we've done a few sessions in the past, but they didn't really help. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but he also just ignores/neglects my needs. I tried to bring up therapy again today. His response: "No marriage is perfect. You need to lower your needs." And then he walked away.

Everything looks perfect on the outside: beautiful house, attractive couple, financially secure. And I love him. But I'm dying inside. Please give me the courage to leave.

Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/400039/give-me-courage-leave#ixzz3Lz60lT1a

[cuddlyevil]

You need to leave. My stbx told me I had irrational expectations regarding our marriage and our kids (because I actually wanted him to participate in the family and help me out some).

You deserve better and are worth more than what you're getting. Love is a two way street.

That all said, we can't give you the courage to leave--you have to find that within yourself. At some point, you will have to decide who you love more--you're husband or yourself.

SPOILER: Click to show

This is one of those situations where it is okay to be selfish and do what you need to in order to get what you deserve.

[1confused1]

We can't give you courage, you have to find that yourself. But we can all tell you it's hard, it hurts, but it's likely the best decision we made to help ourselves.

Best of luck!

[cuddlyevil]

I want to add: if you're not in individual therapy, you need to find someone and start going. It made all the difference when I was looking for the strength to leave.

[prettyinpearls]

I read this on ML but got distracted at work and couldn't reply.

You absolutely need to leave, but you already know this. It's not fair to you to hold back on your life dreams (having kids) because you know it's not the right thing to do with this man. Taking the first step is absolutely 100% the hardest part, but once you make that move it's amazing how freeing everything else that follows feels. I'm not saying it's easy by any means, but you'll find a sense of empowerment from taking back control of your life.

Definitely get into individual counseling. I can't recommend that enough.

I hope you stick around here; the ladies are fantastic!

[Deleted]

Please leave, but be safe about it. Tell someone and get help.

[jojoandleo]

I replied on ML. Like I said, it is so easy for an outsider to tell you to leave, it's much harder to actually be the one in the situation and do it. You logically know you need to leave, it's your heart you need to work on. I know how to give you the logical reasons for leaving, I don't know how to convince your heart. Maybe you just have to ignore your heart and let it break. Follow your head, here.

It's going to hurt, it's going to be hard, but it's also going to be freeing. You will feel that elephant you have on your chest when you tip-toe around your H lift when you leave. Those constant knots in your stomach of worrying you will set him off or be disappointed will ease. Not right away, but over time. Life will be hard at first without him, but over all, it will be better.

[Emerald1486]

It's ok to be scared. Many, if not all, of us were scared when we had to start over. I was terrified. But looking back it was the best decision I could make. I wasn't happy. He wasn't happy. The way you are living is not right or healthy. You CAN do this and you WILL be better for it. It will be hard at first, but it will get better with time and you will be happy again.

[Wanderista]

I wasn't married but I lived with a guy where our relationship was very much like yours. Indeed, I see a lot of how I felt (minus the age and wanting kids soon) in your post. I was also very hesitant to leave him and honestly he did me the favor of finally melting down and breaking it off. 

I cried for a week solid. For the next 3-4 weeks, things were kind of bleak. From there I started to get more of an internal sense of emotional balance and the longer that I was away from him and his influence, the better I felt. It helped tremendously to reach out to friends, both old and new, and to create a new and different life without him. I am so much happier away from him but I also felt like I learned to appreciate life generally so much more because I wasn't around such a negative, toxic person who didn't treat me well anymore.

I guess what I'm saying is that it can be hard when you are in the situation to face change and get out but it really will be so much better for you. Life doesn't have to be like that. People in your life don't need to treat you the way that he does. He's full of shit, that doesn't mean that you have to take it.

Also, you aren't responsible for him, his personal problems or his lack of desire to work on them. Basically, you need to drop this guy and cut off contact if you want long-term happiness. If you don't, you will have what you have now. Whatever happens in your future, you will be better off without him.

[doglove]

I think you may be in love with the idea of your husband and not actually your husband. Definitely get yourself into therapy, check out the book Codependent No More. I responded to your ML, but you absolutely have the right to get your needs met and to put yourself as first priority.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

I know it's hard to leave a miserable situation, I really do. But I don't think there's a single woman on this board who regrets her decision to take the leap of faith and walk out and trust that she would be okay and trust that she could be happier.

[Deleted]

These situations can be so hard. My husband was like this. I was miserable every day but didn't feel like he was "bad" enough to leave. What kept me was feeling guilty about him being sad. Once I left I realized he didn't care about my feelings. Calling me fat and ugly was okay?

We can't give you the strength to leave, but I can tell you that it's something I've never once regretted.

[prettyinpearls]

Dec 15, 2014 12:35:47 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

These situations can be so hard. My husband was like this. I was miserable every day but didn't feel like he was "bad" enough to leave. What kept me was feeling guilty about him being sad. Once I left I realized he didn't care about my feelings. Calling me fat and ugly was okay?

We can't give you the strength to leave, but I can tell you that it's something I've never once regretted.

I agree so much with this. While it was my XH who had the affair, I was the one who filed for divorce a few months later. While it took me several weeks to reach the point of being ok with officially ending my marriage, I have never once regretted my decision.

I don't think there's anyone here who has regretted their divorce/separation regardless of what role they played in it.

[Eureka1984]

As other pp have said, we cannot give you the courage but are always around the boards if you need support. It isn't easy but you are stronger than you think and you deserve to be happy!

[callunafirefly]

Just one other little thing to add as I don't want to repeat everything everyone else has said - which I agree with all of it...As bad as you think things are now, when you step away and out of the situation, you are going to realize how much worse it was, how much unnecessary BS you put up with. You will get to the point where you have no doubts you made the best decision ever to leave. You'll probably also realize again how bad things were for you when you meet someone who does fulfill your needs, and you'll be so thankful you didn't waste any more years with someone who neglected you and didn't respect you.

[regae]

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your encouragement.

[DirtySouth]

The decision to leave is usually the hardest part of divorce, especially if you don't have kids.  Once you just make the leap and do it, it's like a giant burden being lifted.  It sounds like your mind is made up about the right course of action.  Dragging your feet just puts your life on hold or that much longer.  You deserve to be happy and you say you are miserable.  Life is way too short to spend it that way.

[wrathofkuus]

Just imagine a life where no one is cutting you down, criticizing your body, or telling you that you're unworthy of affection. Doesn't that sound great? Don't you kinda wish you were already in that life?

I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to get your financial ducks in a row first, and maybe tear him down some while you're at it, but life is short. Time to get rid of this fucking asshole.

[achase123]

Are you in therapy by yourself? Sounds like an abusive relationship so it may take awhile for you to find the courage to leave.

[Deleted]

Im sorry you're going through this.  The truth is we can tell you that you should leave, you already know that, but you will only do it when YOU are ready.  Being in an unhappy marriage is really shitty.  Why stay when you can be happy without him?  You're used to him?  Well, you'll get used to being without him...no one criticizing you.  You eventually will begin to date...and you get to be a little pickier next time around.  You can learn to be happy on your own, with yourself and then find someone who truly appreciates you for you.  
The best thing I ever did was move on after divorce.  I became ME again--a happy, healthy, better me!!  Now I have a man who loves me for me.  I can be myself, he never criticizes me, he makes me laugh every single day.  I actually look forward to coming home to him every night--it's the best part of my day.  

[ashley11]

therapy has helped me a lot - it took a year for me to file for divorce and my XH cheated on me, making it a lot easier to divorce but it has gotten better and I just filed last week.

Also meet with a divorce attorney just to find out initial information - I think it was helpful for me to get my "ducks in a row" regarding finances and obligations.....

good luck

[abcdefu]

I just want to add what helped me get through leaving. I imagined my life with someone that truly loved me for me. Not because of my weight or the way I looked. I imagined being able to be myself, dorkiness and all and not have someone saying I was acting immature, or embarrassing him. I also imagined living on my own and decorating my space the way I wanted.

I'm still single, but it's my choice. The thing is if I meet the right guy tomorrow, I won't be held back in a loveless, abusive marriage to prevent me from meeting him. (okay that made better sense in my head, but you get my point)

It sounds like you are done and there is only one step left to take. Also I would rather be living in a shack, living paycheck to paycheck, than live in a beautiful home with someone who cuts me down all the time.

[girlsownlove2218]

I want to ditto everything everyone here is saying.. these are some pretty smart ladies who've been through a lot.

You say you're a fighter. I think of myself as one too. I'm in the process of divorcing a man I'd been married to for 5 years, with two kids. I learned that the real fight wasn't hanging onto an unhealthy relationship. On the contrary, hanging on kept me from having to fight a battle I was terrified of, even though I knew 100% it was the best thing for me. It sounds like you know what's best for you. That first step is terrifying, but everything else really does begin to "just happen" after that and you get through it.

You and your happiness are worth it. ((Hugs))